Reminder

I have been nothing nice to you and you keep saying mean things to me..... I SWEAR ... I DON'T DESERVE TO BE TREATED LIKE THAT..... even if it's a joke....it's still mean..... maybe I just don't get guys..... no not maybe.... FOR SURE!

Ready, set, go!

Man aan mojam ke aaramesh nadaaram
Be aasaani sareh saazesh nadaram
Hamishe dar gorizo dar gozaaram
Nemimaanam be yek ja, bi gharaaram

I remember, ever since I was a kid, I was an attention seeker..... and it always happened indirectly!
I never EVER begged anyone for attention or friendship, but I was ALWAYS trying to do something impressive and recognizable to be notinced!

Even at this stage of my life, after 27 years, I am still the same!
I always liked to run away from those who didn't appreciate me hoping that my absence will make them regret that they ever ignored me.... I was hoping that they will eventually come to their senses and miss me after I'm gone... and here I am again......wishing for the same thing.... or doing the same thing!

If I go forward with my plan, it will mean that he would have to come and see me there! What are the chances of that happening? And wasn't that me just a few weeks ago trying to get over him? He is so wrong for me, but maybe I think if he does that, if he comes to such a place just to visit me, it would mean that he loves me! I'm not even sure if that's what I want anymore. Remember what I said to you about him verbally abusing me? Anyways..... to be honest with you, deep down I really REALLY don't care if that happens. I want to go out with white people when I get there..... As I had said before: screw waiting! I want to be chosen!

I really REALLY do think that this will be a great experience. I want to be more involved in the Canadian culture..... I think this will be really good for me in many different ways......

I just hope that I can find out about when the job will start so I can start planning for it!!!

At the same time, I have to apply for this other wonderful job opportunity here! If I get the job, it'd mean that there was a reason why I didn't get that other job that I was depressed about...

So many exciting things are happening........ PLEASE GOD SHOW ME THE WAY... LET ME DO THE RIGHT THING...... LET ME CHOOSE THE RIGHT PATH... I BELIEVE IN YOU..... I BELIEVE IN US

Oh no ....

Aaaaaa

So last night she asked me why I still talk to HT...... and she told me that maybe things would have been different between the two of us if we were not both so stubborn!!!!!! And that made me thing about HIM again!!! I am honestly getting over him..... I dont mind no one telling me maybe things have worked out..... I don't want to think about that AT ALL

On the other hand I think everything happens for a reason.......

O well........ I will continue moving on......

Loving the outlier.....

They were saying on the news that there is this couple who have spent more than 30 K to adopt a kid from Russia and bring him to the US.... and this kid has a mental disability....

The question is why? Why not choose a normal child?

They chose an outlier.

Why shouldn't I?

(Not a serious questoin..... just a thought.........)

Screw waiting....... I want to be chosen!

Sometimes you can't know everything based on what you read in the books! You gotta go out there and experience it....

I think that I'm becoming more and more mature as the days pass by because I am allowing myself to experience all these new things which are so far very exciting! I am trying not to be afraid....

Believe it or not, I am almost like more than 80% over HT. Yes, he's still in my heart and in my mind but at the same time I am convincing myself that it will not work! Yes, I believe that he did love me in his own very very verrrrrrry strange way. At this point, I am not willing to accept that kind of love.

I think that I deserve better.....

I read somewhere that soul-mates are not people who support you. They challenge you and make you get out of your comfort zone, and it's not always "live happily ever after"..... they help you grow as a human being...... which made me wonder about whether I can consider him my soul-mate?!! You know, if you asked me this a few months ago, I would say with certainty that he is! I had really decided that I am going to like him despite all the things that I didn't like about him.......despite how he made me feel about myself (which was bad!)...... but then now that I'm a bit more mature (yes, I am growing up fast! :) ) I realize WHY on earth would I want to do that? What am I getting in return? Why put up with all the head ache?!!!!

Love what Dr. Owens said: "Screw waiting! I want to be chosen!!!" What a great realization!!!

If this is true, I have found my soul mate!

"Soul mates aren't perfect people. They can come into your life and provide polar emotional experiences from intense love to intense pain. Growth comes from both. And a soul mate helps you grow. It isn't just "...and they lived happily ever after" but "...and they lived!"

This would be the perfect poem for valentine's day... now all I need to do is find someone!

امشب از آسمان ديده تو

روي شعرم ستاره مي بارد

در سكوت سپيد كاغذها

پنجه هايم جرقه مي كارد

شعر ديوانه تب آلودم

شرمگين از شيار خواهش ها

پيكرش را دوباره مي سوزد

عطش جاودان آتش ها

آري، آغاز دوست داشتن است

گر چه پايان راه ناپيداست

من به پايان دگر نينديشم

كه همين دوست داشتن زيباست

از سياهي چرا حذر كردن

شب پر از قطره هاي الماس است

آنچه از شب بجاي مي ماند

عطر سكر آور گل ياس است


آه، بگذار گم شوم در تو

كس نيابد ز من نشانه من

روح سوزان آه مرطوبت

بوزد بر تن ترانه من

آه، بگذار زين دريچه باز

خفته در پرنيان رؤياها

با پر روشني سفر گيرم

بگذرم از حصار دنياها

داني از زندگي چه مي خواهم

من تو باشم، تو، پاي تا سر تو

زندگي گر هزارباره بود

بار ديگر تو، بار ديگر تو

آنچه در من نهفته دريائيست

كي توان نهفتنم باشد

با تو زين سهمگين توفاني

كاش ياراي گفتنم باشد


بسكه لبريزم از تو، مي خواهم

بدوم در ميان صحراها

سر بكوبم به سنگ كوهستان

تن بكوبم به موج درياها



بسكه لبريزم از تو، مي خواهم

چون غباري ز خود فرو ريزم

زير پاي تو سر نهم آرام

به سبك سايه تو آويزم



آري، آغاز دوست داشتن است

گر چه پايان راه ناپيداست

من به پايان دگر نينديشم

كه همين دوست داشتن زيباست

Hala fe'lan be fekre zende be goor kardanesh nistim...hanooz kheyli ja dare;)

روم خسته و افسرده و زار




سوي منزلگه ويرانه خويش



بخدا مي برم از شهر شما



دل شوريده و ديوانه خويش







مي برم، تا كه در آن نقطه دور



شستشويش دهم از رنگ گناه



شستشويش دهم از لكه عشق



زينهمه خواهش بيجا و تباه







مي برم تا ز تو دورش سازم



ز تو، اي جلوه اميد محال



مي برم زنده بگورش سازم



تا از اين پس نكند ياد وصال

Forugheh dey maahi...... :)

من صفاي عشق مي خواهم از او


تا فدا سازم وجود خويش را

او تني مي خواهد از من آتشين

تا بسوزاند در او تشويش را

moving to the village? really?

LOL.....maybe :)

I feel like I've been really happy since December! And I haven't really talked to HT since december..... do u see a correlation? :D

By village I mean NB..... I don't know what I'm getting myself into!!! But I see a lot of good things coming out of it if all turns out ok.....

Anyways..... here's something a friends had posted regarding love:

"If ever I do anything to make you doubt our shared language, just stare into my eyes as I stare into yours. This isn’t blatant romanticism or mystical, it is how I tell the truth. It is the difference between speaking of the truth and imparting the truth."

What do you think?

PS my friend almost convinced me to not even think about going back to Ottawa!!! I agree.....it's gonna mess me up so bad!!!

Is that so?

I think they have been able to capture my heart with kindness to the point that I don't want to leave anymore.
I want to find a job right here, where my family is
Don't want to be adventurous anymore. The cost is too high.

Har aanche ghesmatam baashad :)

I don't mind leaving in the far far away land (NB) for a few months and see what happens.

Who knows what will happen?

I just know that I don't want to start over again. Yes, I'm getting old... or older.....and I have to slowly get my life together....... I only have 1-2 years tops... then I'll be almost 30 years old....

As much as I want to live in the moment, I can't help but fast forward to the future... I see myself alone somewhere with a job but no friends.....is that what I want?

Have to measure the cost and benefits

PS If I do go back to Ottawa for the temp job, do I want to see him? Can you believe I'm asking this? But believe it or not, it's true! Nothing has really changed about me or my life, so I can't expect him to behave differently towards me. His mom emailed me today to thank me for the card I sent her and she left her phone number (which I already had) and told me that I can call her anytime. Now that's gonna be awkward..... maybe..... maybe not!

Anyways......

G NGT

Really?

Is this really happning? Will I really go back for my temp summer job? Am I going back in March? Will I really?

The plan: To try to apply for as many jobs as possible (I HOPE!) and see what happenssssss

Gov job vs work at bank vs at another company

Is it Gov>Bank>other companies

In a way I think that may be so...... still undecisive about which one comes first

Working at the bank will give me the flexibility to move to anywhere I want..... on the other hand working at the Gov will pay better and there's a better chance for job growth (to something that I really want = work as an economist!) :D

The end, new beginning.....

With the last official celebration of my birthday I think I should start moving forward with my life and making some new changes....

1) The guy that I went on a date with twice is now out of the picture (I told him I don't want to be in a relationship at the moment)
2) I'm not going to reply to the UBC guy because I don't think I'll have any connections with him...and again, I don't want to be in a relationship right now
3) HT..... well in reply to the song and the pix he said one sentence which was: "It looks like you are having fun."....... so... yes still moving on as planned :)


NEW FOCUS must be my career as I had mentioned before...... it's a weak muscle that needs to get stronger.... can't make it happen over night though......

Do I want to go to NB and do a job that I really don't want to do OR start searching for a job that's a little bit more appropriate? I think it's possible if I focus!!!!

WTF is wrong with me?

Nothing!

I mean maybe anyone in my shoes would do the same thing!

So after having convinced myself to try to let go etc. all of a sudden he sends me a message that kind of ruins me and takes away my assurance of having made the right decision!

Ok, I'm still agreeing with my previous decision which was to slowly move on... but what he wrote was so cute that it kinda threw me off.....

BUT DON'T WORRY..... Even though I sent him my new pics (in a way to remind him that he did in fact forget my birthday again ......and.... sorry to say this but to make him a little jealous..... which I shouldn't be doing if I'm in the "moving on mode").... and I just sent him a love song.... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kG3ZaA1wB5I

Ok..... it may seem that I've gone crazy but trust me I haven't ....... I just wanted to see his reaction.... if there will be a reaction!

So this is kind of what he wrote:

"You are a lucky woman. I came to a club due to peer pressure. Many girls asked me to dance with them. I sat at the bar and told them to literally f*** off.....let's face it...... if you could convince me to be your man...somene who scored the last 3 winning goals in an intense soccer game between all the players in the city.... to be your man........ which you did... you could make anyone to be your man.... I just tell girls to f*** off here"

OMG..... I mean come onnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn.......is this the sweetest line or what? It should be a line in a movie!!!

I had a weak moment...... but I will make better decisions tomorrow....... that's a promise! :)

g ngt.....

PS my birthday was amazing...... all my friends came and all went well...... and then I went to whistler........which was fun/fine.... great memories........ :) :)

SO THANKFUL......THANK U GOD

PS I'm planning to not go out with the guy that I went on a second date with..... I probably will do that tomorrow as well

PS The guy that told me he can't make it to our date 2 weeks ago has msgd me again saying he was really sick and that he wants to meet up..... guess what I'm gonna do?

............

.............

............

..................

......

WRONG! I'm not going out with him anymore. I just need to gather my thoughts.... CAREER = MY FOCUS! I don't want any guys at the moment..... unless they are really really really close to being "the one"

Grow up!

Well, I did....did you?


Seriously, I am so tired of hearing the "omg, I know I've only seen you once but I'm already in love with you" thing......

Ok.....so maybe this time he is right because I am perhaps what he is looking for... but he's not what I'm looking for!

and although I felt the chemistry with HT the first time I saw him (kinda like what some guys express) he's not the one for me......

I SHALL WAIT......

Not sure what I'm going to do about this new guy......he's nice.... but one should have some control! He can't force me to like him!

I shall have some CONTROL of my life!

From today on, I WILL CONTROL IT....... and not do what they say "happy go lucky" or whatever it is that they say......

harche pish ayad khosh ayad no more applies! :)

THANK YOU GOD for helping me come to this realization.....

THANK U GOD for everything........please continue helping me make the right choices in life...... <3>

Love can move mountains!

Va digar hich :D

Yes, it's something that I truely believe in.

And no, I'm not saying this because I'm getting old!

With the right type of love, the type that doesn't give you ahead ache all the time, you can slowly find your path in life.

I have my second date tomorrow. We'll see what happens....... (I'm so far away from falling in love with this guy! BUT he's so nice... who orders a burger on the first date? Well...he did! Isn't that cute? :D )

G ngt!

No way!

After giving it a LOT of thoughts, I think I'm more than 70% ready to move on....

Although I sometimes find an excuse to stay, I think I was in a verbally abusive relationship

To add to that, I think he did also have signs of the "control pattern" of the codependence psychological problem. In some ways, he was even a narcissist....

Why did I not leave and why am I only 70% ready to move on? Because I liked him..... a lot!

I had so many great memories with him. He is extremely kind in his own ways......

Maybe I'm just finding an excuse so I can move on.... maybe he is non of the above! Maybe it was all because of his stress of the exam...... could that be? I don't/won't know. I'm not a professional!

What I do know is that I WILL NEVER BE able to live with him if who he was is who he is
AND
I'M NOT WILLING to spend the next 2 years AWAY from him guessing/hoping
(the problem is that I don't remember how much he changed after I told him he's verbally abusing me. It all happened so fast!)

I have the perfect opportunity to MOVE ON
and moving on is what I will try to do :)

THANK YOU GOD for helping me come to this realization

HELP ME GOD to do the right thing and feel the right way

More than anything else I need to find a job! :)

Law of attraction.....

If I'm not attracted to someone but they are a good person, would it work? Yes, it could. But I want to be attracted to "the one":((((((

WHERE IS MY HOT GUY?

What can we conclude from this?

I'm getting old and I haven't ........ so I'm still immature and want to be in that relationship first before I move on and date someone else......

I want my hot guy :(

Tall, muscular, with a nice voice! Please and thank you!!!!!!!!

update from before: I went on a day..... he was nice...... me not attracted :(

There is one thing I want the most in any type of relationship

RESPECT

which is one of the first posts in my blog :)

Analyze this!

I'm trying to analyze my feelings as they are quickly changing by the different events that are happening around me!

To give you an update: I had decided to go out with two different guys. One tonight, and one tomorrow night. When I made this decision at first I was fine with it. Then I was going to cancel both thinking that's not really what I want. What I want is a job (As I had mentioned in my previous posts). But then I decided to go along with it to see how I would feel about it. I have nothing to lose! I just want to see how I would feel about dating someone new.

Anyways, to make the story short, the first guy cancelled. We were supposed to meet at  7 and he txts me at 2 saying he is sick and he can't come. Then I realize that I have lost tolerence for this kind of behaviour because it's not the first time this is happening! I had made the same kind of arrangement with another friend who cancelled in the last minute, whom I forgave but he did it again! Maybe it's just not something that I can do at the moment.

Anyways, with the second guy that I am meeting tomorrow, he suggested a few places and I said no to all of them (even though I had told him that he can choose the place lol) and finally told him where I'd like to go, which he said ok to but ended the conversation there (as an over analyzer, I'd think that he's not happy about me saying too many nos to him and he's trying to see what kind of a weirdo I am tomorrow..) lol ....

And then there is this other guy who is introducing me to his manager so I can have an informational interview with him. To be honest, I am not head over hills excited about it since he's a financial advisor (not something / some place I want to work).... but I am going anyways. So I just thanked him without showing any enthusiasm. And I think he kind of got upset since I did not really sugar covered the whole thing. Such as saying how he is doing/how his day is going, how his holiday was. LOL .....I don't really know this guy. He's a friend of my bro whom I've met twice and talked to for less than 15 min in total. So excuse me if I have nothing more exciting to say/ask you! :)

Conclusion: I'm perfect, and they are all crazy........... just kidding ;)

Sigh~

Why is it so hard to imagine how someone who is now in a relationship/married was once like when he was single?

Ok, don't get me wrong. I was just watching according to Jim and I think him and Cheryl are the perfect couple! He's so nice and considerate and ......perfect......

How was he when he was single?

Reminder.....

This is probably going to be the last post here for a while.....

I think I acted out in confusion and now that I have set up a date w this PHD guy I don't even want to go out with him! I realized that I want to go out with someone who will take care of me and that's how I am going to be attracted to them!

And, although I have already met two people who fit under that category (i.e. have jobs), and my other requirement (i.e. having been here for a long time), I'm not attracted to them!

Which makes me add a 3rd requirement: they have to be muscular! lol ...... no seriously :D ..... and I have to like their jobs :-".......and they have to be persian!

ps. I just had a dream about him, which was me crying my eyes out because he had left the country without saying goodbye to me although we were in the same house while he was packing...... he just....... forgot!
(In reality, he has gone on a trip to montreal and I'm worried about him but don't want to call him..... and don't want to care!)

As I had mentioned in my last post, I will try to focus on job hunting again! I'm gonna be a little unstable for the next 10 days or so but I promise to get myself together after that! :)

To continue with the crazy talk.....

For me with him, IT WAS LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT

We just immediately clicked..... I heard it!

lol

I just haven't felt that way about anyone in a long time.....

and when I think about it I did have another great option in Ottawa!

He was also here for half his life (just like me)
We had great conversations!
I was kind of attracted to him..... it was so easy to talk to him... and he really liked me (he dumped his gf for me!)

UM..... when am I gonna wake up?

When I Find a job!

FIND ME A JOB...... please :(

THATS ALL I WANT

FOR NOW that's all I need

I DONT CARE IF I STAY SINGLE FOR NEXT 2-3 YEARS
I REALLY DON'T

WHAT I CARE ABOUT IS HAVING A GOOD JOB

so I will shift my focus from messed up rel to job.....

Great plan

Good night :)

BTW

I'm going to change my focus to finding a job.... it could be anywhere....I don't even want a relationship at this point..... why am I even going on a date?

(See, I told u my head is a mess ;) )

Happy new year!!!

Ok.

So today is the first day.

I will give it 2 weeks until I make some major decisions for the rest of this year.

About HIM: I haven't talked to him in 5 days.....and the more I think about our relationship the more I think that I was in fact in a verbally abusive relationship and that he may have been a narcissist.

What I want to know is wether or not I have turned into a codependent person ...I don't think I have.....I am fine.... but what I don't get about myself is why I was willing to give up all the respect that I have for myself to go out with someone who was verbally mean most of the times.... I really think that he did have a good heart... he was just very confused with himself too..... and I couldn't help him......

The thought of the above is driving me crazy! He will probably message me tomorrow because I had sent him a card for the new year.... but how am I going to deal with this whole thing?

I'm going on a mini-date with someone..... I don't even know him that well.....the guy that I met at the Yalda party..... he seemed to be very talkative! And a little bit immature...... and I wasn't that attracted to him.... I like muscular people and he was far from that...... but I will try to give it a try......

My head is a mess..... I will have to see what/if he will do anything for my birthday. It will kind of help things a little bit. Part of me is hoping that he won't so that I have a better excuse to "break up"..... but even if he doesn't I will tell myself that he is doing this to make it easier for me to move on.....

Anyways.... I may go out with 2-3 ppl in the next week..... I just want to try...... y can't any of them be a bit chubbier?