I WANT TO LOVE AND BE LOVED IN RETURN

No, I don't want to be loved, and maybe love in return! I prefer to love first......

And IDK if my long distance "relationship" with a complicated person will ever give me that.....

anyways........ g ngt :)

Must be patient..... god.....please show me the way.......

Goftam ya nagoftam?

Gom ke mishavi nemidaani be donbaaleh kodaamin afsaaneyeh door baayad begardi...

I came on a mini trip with my friend and I'm going back in a few days.... It is givin me a break from all the job hunting craziness, and all the family drama! Sometimes I want to run away from everything... this is a feeling that I've had for many many years.... I guess the only time that I didn't feel this way was when I was away.... in what I once called "the city of love"....everything was always so perfect there..... I was always busy and, even though it was at times very hard, I enjoyed most of my time there because everything that I did was a new experience for me.... but right now my life has become so boring and repetative, and worse than having a repatitive job is a repatitive life..

Sometimes I feel like if I don't live with family I will try harder, I don't know how true that is.... but I'm so crazy I may move in January to see how things go... the destination will probably be Toronto.... or Montreal..... Haven't decided yet.....I will spend about 2 months there, and then go to Ottawa to do my temporary summer job that's not gonna get me anywhere but it will help me pay for the cost of my trip.... I'm still waiting to hear about my test results..... those tests were harddd..... I don't know what to do or expect of myself anymore....... I just want to somehow be happy....... I'm tired of the family drama!!!!! And I'm tired of being without a job!!!!!

PS I love my family..... I wish I was less selfish...... because I know that they will miss me when I'm gone....

:D

صورت او را ز معنی آشنایی با دلست
ورنه صورتها بسی دانم که از آب و گلست


صورت بت کافری باشد پرستیدن ولی
 بت پرست ار معنی بت بازیابد واصلست

هر که او را دیده‌ای باشد، شناسد صورتی
 کار صورت سهل باشد، ره به معنی مشکلست

ما نظر با روی او از راه معنی کرده‌ایم
 آنکه ما را بسته‌ی صورت شناسد غافلست

چون دلی داری، به دلداری فرو بندش روان
 ور نداری، رو، که ما را این حکایت با دلست

گر فقیه از عشق منعت می‌کند،مشنو،که او
 سالها تحصیل کرد و هم چنان بی‌حاصلست

طالبان عشق را دیوانه می‌گویند خلق
و آنکه در وی نیست عشقی، من نگویم: عاقلست

ترک عشق و باده خوردن چون توان کرد؟ ای سبک
 تا گرانی چند گویندم که: مردی فاضلست

اوحدی، اقبال می‌جویی، رخش را قبله ساز
 هر که او مقبول این درگاه گردد مقبلست

:)2

چون گشت با تو ما را پیوند دل زیادت
 گر هجر ما، گزینی، دوری ز حسن عادت


شبهاست تا دلم را تب دارد از غم تو
 آه! از تو، گر نیایی روزی بدین عیادت

طبعت به طالع ما شد تند و تیز، ارنه
 زین بیشتر نبودی بدمهر و بی‌ارادت

عشقی که نیست برتو، حربیست بی‌غنیمت
عیشی که نیست با تو، دینیست بی‌شهادت

هر چند نیست با ما مهر تو در ترقی
 هر لحظه با تو ما را شوقیست در زیارت

شاگرد صورت تست آیینه در لطیفی
 کین می‌کند تجلی و آن میکند اعادت

چندان که جور خواهی بر جان من همی کن
 کز بندگان نیاید کاری بجز عبادت

:)

هر بامداد روی تو دیدن چو آفتاب
 ما را رسد، که بی‌تو ندیدیم روی خواب


ما را دلیست گمشده در چین زلف تو
 اکنون که حال با تو بگفتیم، بازیاب

باریک تر ز موی سالیست در دلم
شیرین‌تر از لب تو نگوید کسی جواب

رویت ز روشنی چو بهشتست و من ز
 درد در وی به حیرتم که: بهشتست یا عذاب؟

چشمم ز آب گریه به جوشست همچو دیگ
 عشق آتشی همی کند آهسته زیر آب

هر دل که دید آب دو چشمم کباب شد
 برآب دیده‌ای، که دل کس شود کباب؟

Odd....

That's how I feel inside these days......

So many uncertainties.... one day I'm thinking about how old I'm getting..... One day about what I have and what I don't have...... one day about how I should appreciate all that I have and be thankful.....One day I hate everything.......One day I wish I was in a proper relationship......One day I want to have babies of my own :)... One day I'm scared of that......

We live in a strange world...... and my world at the moment is a fragile ball of confusion!

Still trying......

~Sigh~

My age, babies, future, work

Only time....... :)

SO THANKFUL........THANK YOU GOD

Why do you want this job?

In my imaginary world, in a world where I have an interview for one of the jobs that I've applied to, this would be my response:

"Because I want to make my dream come true"

That would also be an answer in my imaginary world.... I don't think you can actually say that in real life lol

But for me it's the reality: I'm waiting for a dream to come true

I need a glimpse of hope!

I feel like I am just a walking robot these days..... nothing excites me at all.... ok it's not at a 0 level yet... maybe a 2-3 ...... 3 months ago and for the past 2 years it was never any lower than a 7 so this is not a familiar feeling and I don't like it...... I'm alive but I am not living.....

I know I have SO MUCH to be thankful for...... but I am just a human being..... and like many of you out there, I focus on what is not working for me and that becomes my whole life..... what can I do? how can I focus on anything else other than the fact that I don't have a job? ....

Anyways...... don't want to complain..... but I really really reallllllly need a glimpse of hope.....

I know I was given the chance and I screwed up...... but I don't want that to be the end of it.......

By the way, it's supposed to be that time of the month but it isn't.......should i be worried?

For some reason I'm still somewhere between :-| and :)...... which means there's still hope........

G night! :)

6 years ago... last note of the day.....

yes....... IT WILL HAPPEN.......




yes........I WILL GET TO WHERE I WANT ...........



yes.........all my efforts WILL PAY OFF......



yes.........I'm GOING TO SUCCEED.....



yes..........I'm going to be the BEST..............

BTW

I know I've said this here before..... but just want to say it again..... I'm AMAZED by how meaningful the title of my page is...... you have no idea how many times I've wanted to change it since I didn't feel that way anymore.... but now I do..... so good thing I didn't...... but this time I'd like to replace the word empty with confused..... which is definitely an improvement!!! Trust me.... empty is I think the worst feeling in the world and THANK GOD I don't feel that way anymore...

Hello again....

Well, I've come to realize that there is really no point in complaining here...... that's not gonna help with anything!

3 months has passed and I haven't received a single call for an interview..... ask me how I am feeling? I'll let you take a guess

It's like Joey in friends asking god "Why are you doing this to us?" every time one of them turned 30..... it's inevidable!

Oh well, I can honestly barely feel the motivation to apply for any jobs.... it's so hard! I need at least a glimplse of hope......

I think the last time I wrote here was about me and him..... we are still the same..... I forgot and forgave as usual... and we are texting each other now a bit more often..... actually it's kinda cute what happened..... a bit more than a week after he said what he said and I wrote him an email one day he texted me and asked me to call him (wow!!! how exciting........ not.... lol) ..... and I told him I can't since I was watching tv.... he said a few more things and then said again he really wished I would call him..... :D ... so I did.... my friend there had told me to move on and she had told other people that she doesn't really like him....... and he had found out.... and was telling me about it..... and I told him that I already know..... and he said she has no right to interfere in other people's relationship!!!! That we still text and talk and things may be complicated but she has no right to tell me what to do!!!! Don't you get it? He does consider us as two people that are in a relationship! Isn't that great? lol

Anyways......I'm gonna go continue with my depression....... I sometimes listen to music and it really helps!!! Like a lot!!!! lol ok ciao for now

On the bright side...

I need to do my run and exercie in order to keep my sanity...... and that has its own benefits....... let's just say it's helping me in toning my body ;) I am wearing a tight dress to an event in the next few weeks.... and have to do something about certain parts of my body if u know what I mean!


(ok see....I am going crazy! lol )

Snap out of it!

My friend messaged me and told me that I should forget about my "bf"........ apparently he is keeping his options open and is having fun and my friend was sad that I have been thinking about him so much.....

We have a strange relationship...... no I'm not lying to myself........ I can't explain it...... maybe I'm crazy...... if it was anyone else they'd have broken up with him A LONG TIME AGO

Maybe I'm slowly moving on.... who knows.....

He's a strange person ..... that's a fact........ but sometimes all I want to do is go to him and hug him.... maybe it's because I think he's in fact lonely inside..... but something tells me that's my imagination and in his mind he has a lot of friends who love him and care about him

Khoda gar ze hekmat bebandad dari, ze rahmat goshayad dareh digari....

Waiting for the other door to open :D

BTW in case ur wondering what's up with all the smiles: I went running today and I'm just so proud of myself because I can run for a few minutes non-stop..... thank god....... and I just get extremely :D after I come back from my run..... it's one of the ways that I motivate myself.....I recommend it to y'all out there ;)

PS

IDK ..... I have a feeling that I'm not ready to settle in Vancouver, not just yet........ I'm waiting for an opportunity to fly away....... for a meaningful position related to what I studied...... basically what I'm looking for is a contract job..... on the other side of the country .... plz and thank u...... I'm also ok with obtaining a contract job here in Vancouver bcz that way I can get my future contract jobs somewhere else........ :-)

You go that way I go this way.....

Some people are really amazing and talented and start doing little things until they achieve something big.....

Some people do something big and want to achieve something big right away......

I fall in the second category........

How come some people got so lucky and got their dream job right after graduation while I'm still searching?

Must not compare......

I'm in an ok mood :)

Did the test for c r a yest...... will find out how I did in 3-4 weeks :)

:(

Overall, today was not a good day at all! It was sunny, yes.... but that was the only good thing about today

Beh omideh tolooeh farda

I don't believe that you have to be perfect to get far in life, I'm not perfect but I want to get far in life.

I hope I do well on these exams. Even though I'm not even sure if I will be considered for these jobs.... already got the result for one of them and apparently the computer failed to see me as someone who meets the requirements..... stupid computer...... I tried to use the same words as what I saw on the job ad..... but o well....... maybe god has something else in store for me......

Trying to stay alive .....

GOD HELP ME FIND A GOOD JOB :((((( PLZZZZZZZZZZ

So what happened next? A reminder to myself!

A reminder/proof to myself that if something ever happens in the future I have only myself to blame!

I ended up crying last night and sending him and e-mail saying what he said about me needing to go out with a guy was mean and the fact that he did it intentionally knowing that he would hurt me doesn't make sense to me. I also told him that he needs to learn to apologize. And that maybe we were never right for each other and that maybe I will consider dating other guys but if I ever do I will make sure that they know how to apologize! So I said maybe it's a good idea that we break up and I hope he finds the right "one".....

Guess what his reply was?

........

That he did not say what he said to hurt me. That he really thinks if I go to the movies / dinner with a guy will  be good for me!!!! And that I should grow up ;) and stop crying!!!!!!!

What happened next?

........

I smiled!!!!!!!! And thought to myself that's typical H!!! I couldn't have expected much more from him. But he still hadn't apologizeD!!!!!!!!!!! So I was planning to ignore his msgs for the whole day......

So first msg was about what he was having for lunch.......
Second one about something that he was making fun of......
And third warning me not to watch a movie that he saw the night before because it was crap!!!! And he said donya doroozeh.....

Guess what I did next?

I replied! Because honestly for some reason I wasn't mad at him!!!! This was his way of showing me he cares! Believe it or not it is! I don't know why I am like that!!!!!!!!! Why am I so patient? I don't know if I should thank god for creating me this way or be mad at him? Most people can stay mad at others for a long time and not give up until they're apologized to but me... everything will be back to normal as soon as I hear back from the other person.... there's seriously something wrong with me!!!!!!!

So I only have myself to blame if something worse happens in the future because I reply to him and don't let him realize that he does really need to apologize. It's like a mom caring for a child and as soon as they cry or yell they give them what they want because all they want is to see the child smile again!

So what's next?

Honestly I'm trying to help myself be a bit more serious. For the next little while I'm going to be somewhat indifferent towards him .....or at least try........ because honestly he may never get me!!!!!! Right now he sent me a msg saying he is out with his guy friends drinking..... one thing that I LOVE ABOUT HIM is that he never gets drunk..... I am not a big fan of drinking but this is another thing that might become problematic in the end:

1) Throughout his life he has found drinking to help him ... because it helps him forget about what's going on around him even if it is for just a few hours. I myself don't like this!
2) He is still a child!!!!!!!!!!!!! He likes going out with his friends, get wasted, hit on the waitress etc!
3) And the list goes on........

Whatever.... for now I don't have the energy for anything too crazy....... I'm living my life...... I know I'm getting old..... but I just need to focus on a few things before I am back to normal!

Let these be my last words......

Of the night ;) I know I already wrote some of these lyrics here yesterday.... yesterday I was in a good mood so I only chose the nice parts.... but the truth is the whole song is kinda how I feel.... sometimes I try to ignore it.....but you can't ignore the truth.... why would he be so mean? this time I honestly am thinking of not replying to his msg for a while.... I hope you guys don't think I'm being childish.... I told him that I had a dream about him... and he said maybe I should start seeing someone new so that I won't dream about him anymore! I mean why should I put up with this? Seriously? And this is not the first time he says something like this...... does he really want me to move on? If this is the case, I should completely stop talking to him.... I don't want to be played with! I told him this once...... I want to have the right to get mad at him and have him apologize.... not get mad at him, have him get mad at me for getting mad at him, and end up being the one apologizing! This is SO not right..... but I've done it SO many time! The question is why? I honestly don't understand myself.....how have I convinced myself that this is ok? Yes he's sometimes nice to me to the point that I believe that he cares..... but at the same time he has also made me so mad SO many times .... the only thing is that I've somehow taught myself to be ok with him making me mad ......so I don't even observe it anymore and I forget it so fast. Why???? Honestly I'm doing my own thing and I don't even care...... but I think what he said to me is disrespectful! Who does he think he is?????? I should put him back in his place! I honestly don't like drama that's why I try to forgive and forget.... but I think I'm going to end up hurting myself if I do it too often. I think he needs to go out with someone who can be a REAL gf and teach him stuff..... I know for a FACT that I've spoiled him! Anyways..... here's the song and then I'm going to bed..... I know I'm going to bed early.... it's only 12:30...... but I went for a long walk/run today and I've been tired since...well 8:00! Goodnight :)

Man injoori nemitoonam
Ye saddi beyne ghalbe maast
To bayad ghargh shi dar man befahmi ki delesh daryast

Man injoori nemitoonam
To paaye man nemishini
Toro oonghadr bakhshidam
Bozorgimo NEMIBINI

Hamisheh maghsadam boodi
Koja ba to safar kardam
Cheghadr tanha beram darya
Cheghadr tanhai bargardam?

Man injoori delam khosh nist
Shabam ba tars ham marzeh
Beheshtam oonvaresh bashe
Be in barzakh nemiarze

Man injoori nemitoonam
To oonjaio man tanham
Daram mimiram az bas keh
Nagoftam chi azat mikham

wow....it's so perfect! I think I might just cry lol

For example, for the part that he says

"cheghadr tanha beram darya cheghadr tanhai bargardam" i honestly wasn't sure of what he means.... but today it hit me! I was listening to this beautiful song.. and at the end of it I was like this is wishful thinking... specially since I may be the only one feeling that way... so lets just not think about it (as usual)... hence: cheghadr tanha beram darya cheghadr tanhai bargardam. BTW the song was the following (ignore the lines with the star):

booye eydi booye to*
booye kaghaz rangi*
booye tondeh tapeshe ghalbe man az didaneh to
booye atre ba to raftan tooye yek khooneye no*
be ina havasamo jam mikonam
ba ina eshghamo mohkam mikonam

sheddate oomadanet too fekre man
vahshat az raftane to hatta vaghti ye lahze ke mikhay beri too fekr
fekre yek hedyeye jaleb ke begiram vaase to

sedayeh kafshe to vaghti ke miai
rooye ghalbam ghadam mizani asheghoone oon joor ke mikhay
booye khoshe salame to ke parmigire too fazaa.....
be ina havasamo jam mikonam
ba ina eshghamo mohkam mikonam

....... while listening to the song I was actually so into it thinking wow this is exactly how I feel.. I am always thinking about what to buy for him to make him happy or just in general am always so happy around him.... but at the end of the day...... wishful thinking..... maybe I'll send him the other song (darya) and then not reply to him... lol .......... anyways.... it's 12:45....... Shab bekheyr (just the way he likes it.... he hates it when I say g ngt... he wants his woman to be a true persian ;) )

It's stopped raining, which means:

I can go for a walk! YAY lol..... the sky is still gray....... but I don't care! :)

One thing I can guarantee....

I'm gonna be in an ok mood for the next 2 weeks since I have to write those exams...