x-gf!

I have to remind myself that he has an X-GF!

He has an X GF

HE HAS AN X GF

EX GF

HE HAS A X GFFFFFFFFFFF

X GF

X GF


ok....... hopefully I'll remember it this time... he has someone that he loves.....or loved ....... I don't really care if he still loves her or he's been hurt so much that he can't love again......

but that's why I stopped calling him..... he hasen't forgotten her yet!

I HAVE TO REMEMBER

I HAVE TO REMEMBERRRRRRRR

so now that I made sense out of it I might honestly stop thinking of him all at once.... you know how weird I am ....... ;)

Good morning sunshine!

and by sunshine.... i mean.......SUNSHINE

I'm so happy that it's finally getting warmer and the sun has decided to stop hiding behind the clouds.... and the clouds have stopped crying......like honestly.... it was about time.....

so if you ask about my mood..... I'm all about work and getting tired and moving and maybe getting a new job...... so for now...... i can actually say that I'm OK...... I will hopefully never be who I was last year at this time :)..... but ....... I miss ...

you know I was thinking about it......when I was taking a shower yesterday..... not that it has anything to do with being in the shower..... just because of the fact that I get to relax and reflect on me and my thoughts without any interruptions.....

so as I was saying........ I was thinking.... and I was thinking that I miss being in love .......and liking people.....you know...... I used to go to chatrooms.... and honestly start having feelings for like whoever I thought as a potential "MR. RIGHT" ...... but these days..... omg....... I am not saying it's a bad thing.... I have finally come to my senses.... even if I like someone it's momentarily..... I totally forget about them the second I close the Y! ......... but still ...... it was kind of cool to always have someone in my mind.... now .... it's only one person.... sometimes....... most of the time I'm trying not to think of that someone as the one...... so I'm like...... hmmmm....... when will it happen? will I ever fall in love? ....... let me put it in better words.... will I ever find love? because it's easy to fall in love..... but finding love is something else!

I MISS HIM

:(

wow ...... I can't believe it...... today I missed him a lot......you know.... the more I think about it the more I realize a major part of who I am today and how much I try for a better future is because of what I learned from him.... he taught me a lot......I WISH THINGS COULD BE DIFFERENT....

hatman ghesmat chize digeyi boodeh....har chi khoda bekhaad :)

Another harfe bachegaaneh :)

hahaha

khob raas migam digeh

dalileh in ke dige ziad inja neminevisam ine ke jadidan ehsasate ghavi e nadaram.... na dar morede eshgh.... na dar morede mardom...... yani na inke bi ehsase bi ehsas basham...... yani fekr dar morede eshgho ke completely gozashtam kenaar... jeddi migam...... chon be nazaram adam ye bar ma'nie eshgho mifahmeh.... va manam fahmidam... va hanooz khob hichkasio nadidam ke oontor ehsasato nesbat behesh dashte basham... nemigam ke dige ashegh nemisham.... misham va midoonam donbale chejoor adami migardam..... :) ....vali ta vaghti ke kesio peida nakardam oon bote eshghe man mimooneh ..... be ma'nie mazhare eshgh :) .....vase man chon avvalino ta alan akharin boodeh........

dar morede zendegiam..... mitarsam azash harf bezanam ...... khodaya faghat komakam kon....... kheyli dooset daram...... KHODAYA SHOKRET

va albate dar akhar bayad ezafe konam ke alan afsordegi nadaram be sheddate gozashte. be khatere bi khialime......va ziad sare kar miramo vaght ziad vase ghosse khordan nadaram.. vali az tahe ghalb khoshhalam ke darim khoonamoono avaz mikonimmmmmmm ..... kheyli khoshhalam :D

I'm sorry.......

I'm sorry for what I said in the last post....... I was really angry at my sister.... but I like her no less than the other members of the family.... I am an extremely sensative person...... and god knows how much I love my family...... god....forgive me for not being what they want me to be :(

BI EHSAAS!

That's what I've been called.....by many people....... but I don't agree with them.... I know that I could be careless at some times.......and I don't like to be around sensative people.... an example of a sensative person is my sister... I made her cry......for no reason..... well she told me that she's dissapointed in me because of some things that I have done in the past and present...

but I DONT CARE..... I've been hurt by her so many times....constantly actually...... that it's not important for me what she thinks about me ....... or wether she likes me or not .... it's not something that I can forgive and forget.... because she has her way of hurting me in one way or another every time she sees me ... and she thinks that I have no feelings ...... so she thinks that the things she tells me don't bother me ..... she doesn't like my behaviour, my attitude , my personality, my looks ....or in general nothing about me.... but I am her sister and I guess she thinks it's her duty to like me ... and since she's so sensative she wants me to like her back ..... we had had a good past when we were younger .. but now ... I have no comments ..... I have stopped caring for her like many others ... I love my mom, dad and brother more .... I am very sad to say this but it's true .... and it's probably because I live with them ..... and they respect me more than she does ...... so .......

but the wall that I have built around myself and my heart is so high and hard that entering into it is almost impossible .... even for my parents!

I might change in the future ...... I don't enjoy the fact that no one likes me! I'm probably unlikable ..... but the sad part is that most of the time it doesn't bother me .... or maybe it does but I'm too stubborn or helpless to change myself! I have to find a reason ...... in search for the reason...... :)

Why is it so hard to let others love you???

This probably sounds like a crazy question......

I mean who would actually reject people's love?

Well......ME

Honestly I KNOW that I DO that a lot! I am just afraid of putting too much emotion out there (since I am an emotional person).....

the people you love always end up leaving you alone.....the people you love put you under pressure....the people you love make you think twice about how good of a person you are...the people you love want you to be more than who you are! and I just CANT TAKE THAT!

I'd rather play it safe.... or even pretend like nothing matters.....which usually ends up as a real feeling of "nothing matters" ....which kind of sucks and makes me think twice about how good of a human being I am ..... But ........that's all part of the confusion that people HAVE TO HAVE in life! Isn't it?

Finding my "ideal".......

Let me tell you about how I'm doing these days......

They called me on friday to schedule me a shift from 11- 5 but I thought I want to have that day off because it was such a beautiful sunny day.....I'd planned to go for a run in the morning and then spend the rest of the day shopping or just chilling in Ambleside park........ but guess what ??? that didn't happen!

I was in bed until noon......finally got up....wasted another hour.....took a shower.... (that rhymed ;))......then......came out....... at around 3 watched Dr. Phil until 4.......then got ready to go out...... missed my bus.....decided to stay home ..... and started reading a book named "hasti".......

it's a pretty good book.....quite long though!

anyways........after realizing that I will go crazy by staying at home......I took someones shift on sunday(today) ......and then talked to my parents......and read that book......+ the safe driving guide.......I have to keep myself busy otherwise I'll go crazy.......

and u know what.......the thought of finding love has become such an unreachable idea that I don't even think about it that much......

Mr. V is the last one......and I know that I didn't try to make it work because I don't think too much of myself..... and whenever I think about trying harder I think about him first........and what / how I need to be in order to get a guy like that!!!

I'm not nessecarily saying that he's the one...... in fact he is not.... he's an example of someone who could be an ideal match for me.......and I will try to complete myself in order to believe that someone like that could someday want me.....

wow......how aasheghaaneh...lol.....

but it's true.....on the other hand.....right now....... I think NOTHING about myself.....i'm not going to say I don't like myself.....because I DO......... but I don't think anyone would like me.....there's just something not likeable about me......and i'm trying to fix many things about me in hope of becoming a normal likable person......

KHODAYA ....KOMAKAM KON ....KOMAKAM KON NAZAR INJA BEMOONAM TAA BEPOOSAM

How can you decide.....

When you are thinking of starting a relationship .....without having found "the one" ...... how do you narrow down your choices?

Do you base it on......

1) his looks.......
2) his voice.........
3) his personality.......
4) his body appearance (height/weight)
5) his zodiac sign
6) past relationships....

for me it's all of the above....(how boring!!!) ....hahaha .....but let me tell you something......the funny thing that I have found out is that looks do matter...in a weird way!! like for me.... i used to know a guy who was interested in me.... and he was like almost 10 years older.... but good looking!! back then i was only 16-17 so I didn't really thing much about love (what a geek!!) etc..... and last year.....one of the guys that I went out with.....looked awfully a lot like him......but because of my experiece in the past.......i immediately disliked him.........

so for me......it might sound weird......first # 6 ( since my first crush (crushes) were a sagittarious/ scorpio) i automatically get turned on when i find out about the zodiac sign of a person ...hahaha....then voice matters the most!!! ....then personality..... then looks ( 1 + 4) ........

for guys it's number 4 without a question!!!!