Date

For whatever reason, I became sick like a dog.... ok maybe not like a dog...... runny nose, cough.....

So you can just imagine how my first date went!

Am I just not that into him or was it because I was sick that I couldn't really be enjoying the 8 hours that I spent with him....

Don't get me wrong...... it was fine..... it was just not that great......I couldn't be 100% myself..... and sometimes I ran out of things to say.......

I think I'm somehow attracted to him......

But you know when someone expresses too much love at the beginning that you don't know what to do with it?!!!

I'm confused!

Good luck to me!

Lest not forget

چه رنجی است لذت ها را تنها بردن. چه زشت است زیبایی ها را تنها دیدن و چه بدبختی آزار دهنده ای است تنها خوشبخت بودن

First date......

Donyaayeh ajibist....

Vaajeh haa dar donyaayeh majaazi jaayeh ebraazeh ehsasat dar donyaaye vagheyi ra gerefte and....

Ba'd az se maah shenidaneh jomalaateh aasheghaaneh va ebraazeh ehsaasaate shadid dar donyaayeh majaazi, ba'd az didaar, tanhaa yek doost ra rooberooyeh khod didam, na chizi bishtar......

Vaghean nemidoonam chejoori ehsasam ro bayaan konam...... shayad ehsaasi nadaaram.... az inke midoonam ke mano doost daareh va tarzeh doost dashtanesh lezzat mibaram, va az sharaayete ejtemaayish va poshte kaar boodanesh khoshhaalam, va hatta az akhlagh va tarzeh sohbatesh ham khosham miad, nemidoonam cheghad chemistry daram........

dafeye avval nist..... mage man chand baar "aashegh" shodam........ nemidoonam chejoori baayad baasheh... chize ziadi baraye moghayese nadaram....... vali vaghti be gozashte fekr mikonam..... beyne chand moredi ke boodeh, hichvaght az roozeh avval ehsaaseh "butterfly" nadaashtam...... hamisheh tool keshideh....

nemidoonam dar in do hafte che ettefaaghaati miofte...... vali yek chizi ro midoonam:

aamaadeyim aashegh shavim

He's coming here in two days....... and so is my cousin! not that it's gonna stop me from having fun..... I just want my room because I have everything in this room! I'm gonna stay happy....... regardless of what's happening in this house, I still have SO MUCH to be thankful for....... SO MUCH........ so THANK YOU GOD

Separation?

And one day you wake up and suddenly you remember why you don't remember much from the past..... a wise part of your brain, the one that's strong and in control, has succeeded in blocking all that is not supposed to be remembered...... all the fights..... all the silence...... all the depression.......... non of it is remembered by the conscious part of the brain unless it's forced out..... and some days, on moments like the one I just experienced, all come rushing back.......

all I can say is that they were NEVER a good fit.... there was always too much difference between them for them to ever be a good fit! Recently their relationship reminds me of my relationship with my X..... and it reminds me how much more thankful I should be that I didn't stay with him. Every single thing that comes out of my mom's mouth is being criticized...... I feel like I should cry for her....... this is the end of the rope of this relationship.... on my mom's behalf, I was ready to slap my dad, scream at him, and walk out..... I would need at least a week of break to get myself together and come back....... but of course she didn't do that. She's the most patient....... god knows she's trying.........

The problem is that I don't know what my role should be.......

I will share with you a secret...... if I was given just one wish it would be to have the ability to always make the right choice.....

At this age, it's better if they stay together...... I can't imagine how things would turn out if they got a divorce..... my dad might be a bit happier, or he may go crazy..... not sure about what would happen to my mom......

Not sure what to think anymore / what to do......

As usual, I'm gonna go clean up a room that's as messy as my thoughts.....

Anger!

I think today I experienced one of the most intense angry moments of my life ... which lead me to realize that I get REALLY angry under 2 circumstances:

1) When my actions cause harm to others........ it drives me nuts!
2) When people don't make common sense!

I'm happy now :) I'm actually quiet excited about tomorrow......... good night! :)

Divorce?

They actually talked about it today.......
I can't even imagine what may happen if they get a divorce!

Both have always been sad and unhappy....... still to this day I can't decide if they should get a divorce or not....... specially for my dad........ I'll be more worried for him than my mom......

I'm just gonna pretend like I didn't hear anything!

It's kind of things like this that makes me want to move back...... coming to a broken home is heart breaking... this is what I've been telling them FOREVER....... they HAVE TO do something fun....... they've been going to work and coming home and doing NOTHING ELSE on the side for TOO LONG!!!!!!!!!!!! What kind of a life is this??????? I just don't get it!!!!!!!!

I don't know what to do........ sometimes I feel like it's my responsibility to do something to make them enjoy life more...... but that's really hard when they don't really enjoy each other's company that much..... I mean they are ok ..... but they don't really ENJOY being together....... and there's a HUGE different between just being ok or being happy with each other........

I don't know how I ever come to forget this BIG problem in this family........ but that was what had always made me sad throughout ... well throughout my life ... at least the times that I lived here...........

Imagine not having any family friends! I'm thankful for my family and everything...... and my comment may seem childish....... but when you live in a normal family you have some expectations and having family friends is one of them....... imagine having a home but never inviting anyone over except for your own children........

anyways...... I'm too tired to think about this........ and I have so much more to think about job related and relationship related........

I'm not sure if I'll ever be a good wife.......

you know...... comes to think about it I think I have some huge problems....... main one being the fact that I'm still a V....... second one being the fact that I've not hugged enough people to be comfortable with intimacy..... I sometimes pretend or try to be ...... but doesn't come naturally........ therefore there's something wrong with me....... but unless I give myself the chance to be with someone I wont find out.......

the last "bf" I had (I dont really wanna call him a bf....) ..... we got close...... we had fun...... I had no feelings for him.......almost whatsoever.......... and I know that there's a problem.......

anyways........good night!

we had a fight

well not really

he just made a comment about why I don't express my feelings........

What would you do? cost benefit analysis.....

It's in these kind of situations that I wish more people were reading my blog because I really need some help

Short term plans vs. long term plans

Job 1)

1) It has not been posted yet

2) Higher salary
3) It's in this city

4) Family is close

5) It's almost directly related to what I studied

Job 2) 

1) I have been offered the job

2) It's a 1 year contract

3) It's back in Ottawa

4) It would mean me being away from home

5) After the 1 year contract, I'm not sure if I'll be able to come back to Vancouver

too sleepyyyyyyyyy don wanna think no more....... 

How can you be in love with me when you don't even know who I am?

He keeps expressing his love and affection.....

But is it possible to fall in love without knowing the person that well?
Isn't that something that vanishes since it's based on attraction?

I can't deny the fact that I like the attention and everything...... I also can't deny that I secretly hope that it's true....... but the truth is that I don't know him that well!

Where does a dead person belong? Among other dead people

(half an hour has passed and I'm thinking about something else)

I have a tough choice to make

Tooye fekre, hamoon roozaam......

Bazi moghe ha afkaar be aadam hamleh mikonan! Che dorani bood...... cheghad khaatereh az oon shahr daaram........cheghad zendegim oonjaa porkhaatereh shod...... man inja daram chi kar mikonam? Over here it's just another day........ my life is SO BORING! Why can't I change it?

I can't wait to apply for that job and see what happens.......

On the other hand, the other job in ON seems like it was meant to be! I don't know how to explain it..... but everything about it seemed so right....... and it's kind of like my baby already although I haven't been offered a job yet...... I waited for so long....... and it slowly fell together.......

I'm so confused..........

But I will take it one day at a time..............

Thank you god!

Is that a good thing?

Yadet bashe moondani ba lagadam nemire......raftani ba khahesham nemimoone.....

hmmm..... applies to love but not long term relationships!

Yes, I'm turning into a complicated person..... or not.... see ;)