Cut to the chase...

I want a baby.... No... I want babies...

But before that, i have to find someone, trust them, etc

Btw...

Just wanted to say i feel so much better abt the breakup.... It took 19 days and a lot of being busy w packing up... Not 100% of course but much much better...

I'm not trying to make fun but...

Emrooz man fahmidam ke cheghad ziaad zer mizanam.... Mersi ke hastid!

I mean i've always known it... Even the palm reader told me 10 years ago that I say too much...

Sometimes I should just shut up...

Do I really have to share with the world how I think wearing a ring on the finger is a "white" thing and a cultural thing? They ALL called me racist

Um... Not that I care... I dont want to b viewed as close minded... Although sometimes i may or may not be... Not something i want to share... Not good for my career growth

the good, the bad, and the.... awesome!!

Yes... I'm a mess.....

There are SO many things right now that I am incredibly happy about...... and that's why I sometimes wonder why I have to be sad about something that didn't work out.....

The truth is that I'm worried because I RARELY like someone...... yes... it's like once every 2-3 years....... and I DO WANT TO GET MARRIED AND MAKE A FAMILY

I say I'm a mess because just a few weeks ago when I was in a "relationship" I was thinking how nice it would be if I could quit my job or move to a lower level that doesn't require as much thinking... but now that my relationship is over I'm SO THANKFUL that this is my job... challenging and exciting!

It's all about creating that balance...

GOOD LUCK

I will love again......I'm sure.......

Just need to GET OVER IT!

GOD HELP ME GET OVER IT

OR SHOW ME A CLEAR SIGN SO THAT I CAN MAKE A DECISION

I know why I feel this way...... because I keep thinking that there is a possibility that he will message me and say that he wants me back....... but I don't want to live my everyday waiting....... the chances are 50/50

Zaar zaar havaar

Thats my soul talking.... Im fine.... Ill b fine

G ngt

so what's stopping me

because I know that there is no point..... and although I liked him A LOT I need to find someone with more similar interests..... a lovable workaholic person is not good enough......

I did it again!

For the third time I wrote him an e-mail and didn't send it.

What's on my mind...

So apparently there is no way of just letting it go and forgetting about it without doing a full analysis of what happened.... I think after 2 weeks I'm finally ready to do it... specially after he sent that message yesterday... so here it is:

We started dating on December 4th (don't call me a creep... I had looked it up once at the beginning to remember our 1 month anniversary) ... so for the first month I thought things were going well and we were taking things slowly... and it was awesome... I was completely ok with going for the new year's celebration alone because I knew it was too soon to expect that... and the week after we went to Bowen Island... and I felt really awkward for not inviting him to my birthday but I also thought that it was too soon..... the week after that I went to LA... still didn't want to message him on my trip... which still felt somewhat awkward but we were still not considering ourselves bf/gf ..... but I knew 100% that I liked him a LOT...... and then I came back... and then he got a job.... and then his mom was in the hospital..... and then the rest is history....

so if I were to sum this up in a letter that I could send to him what would I put in there? should I even do that?

Some sort of relief...

I wanted to message him again this morning but didn't... And out of the blue at 10:30 he sent me a text asking me how I'm doing and if I hate him... And that he never meant to hurt me

The last line made me cry... I told him I don't hate him and I don't

But the last line... It still makes me cry... The butterflies I had in my stomach each time I saw him, the way I looked at him, the way I held his hands...

That was love... And I was completely happy with him... And he got scared or whatever ... And whatever, and whatever...

I don't know why I cry when I think about the last sentence... I know he didn't mean to... But he did... I am hurt...

You can't show someone that you like them and suddenly say I don't think we are right for each other

Another night no text

I was gonna email but didnt... Yayyy :P