Call me a fool but........

Everything is happening so fast......

He suddenly tells me that he's moving into a 2 bedroom apartment...... and he wants me to move there and be with him!!

As much as all of this is nice and is really getting me excited specially because he sounds very sincere which is something that's hard to find in guys..... sincere and expressive! I'm constantly in awe and am short for words ..... but my logic still comes in the way and tells me a fire that starts fast dies fast...... I mean it doesnt make sense why he likes me so much?!!!!! every word that comes out of his mouth is a kind word..... he is constantly telling me how much he likes me either directly or indirectly! so much love that's hard for my heart to handle lol.......

I have 0 ideas about what's going to happen.....

1 thing has changed in me and that's now when I listen to love songs I think of him..... no one has ever been so sincerely nice to me......

I'm speechless.......... call me a fool..... but I'm going to try to be as logical as possible about this....

:(

I hate the fact that I'm just trying to survive these days and not really living my life....

Define "living"

Well, all I do is go to work and come back + my job is something that I do for the money not something I like... I mean it's an ok job...... but not really challenging..... something a person with possibly even a diploma can do......... the only thing that makes me happy is going to the gym + him.......... I feel like I have no friends here....... haven't seen any "friends" in a few weeks now.....

Anyways ......... gngt

If yes, this is the song I'm going to send him on the second week of January

امشب دوباره اومدی تا رویاهام رنگی بشه 
شاید همین خواب عمیق پایان دلتنگی بشه 

امشب دوباره اومدی تا خوابمو رنگی کنی 
تا چشمای مغرورمو درگیر بی صبری کنی 

دارم نگاهت میکنم داری ازم دل میبری 
چشم بر نمی دارم ازت تو از همه زیباتری 

حالا که قسمت دوریه با رویاهات سر میکنم 
دستامو محکم تر بگیر دستاتو باور می کنم 


حالا که قسمت دوریه با رویاهات سر میکنم 
دستامو محکم تر بگیر دستاتو باور می کنم 
با رویاهات سر میکنم 

برای دل بستن به تو دل کنده بودم از همه 
چشمامو رو هم میذارم هرچی ببینمت کمه 

امشب دوباره اومدی تا حالمو بهتر کنی 
تا خوابمو لبریز یاس تا بغضمو پرپر کنی 

حالا که قسمت دوریه با رویاهات سر میکنم 
دستامو محکمتر بگیر دستاتو باور میکنم 


حالا که قسمت دوریه با رویاهات سر میکنم 
دستامو محکمتر بگیر دستاتو باور میکنم 
با رویاهات سر میکنم

Is this what he's secretly trying to say?

از تب ِ تند ِ من نترس که عاشق ِ چشات منم 
هزار سالم بیاد بره 
کم نمیشه از خواستنم 
ازتب ِ تند ِ من نترس که یه روزی عوض بشم 
از توبه قیمت ِ جونم 
محاله که دست بکشم 
از توبه قیمت ِ جونم 
محاله که دست بکشم 

مگه نمیبینی چشام بارونی ی خواستنت ِ دارم حسودیمیکنم 
به پیرهنی که تنته 
مگه نمیدونی دلم دلتنگ ِ باتو بودن ِ غصه ی ِ هیچ چیزو نخور 
عشقت همیشه بامنه 

Ok I get it......

I have to step out of my comfort zone........

SIGH

FINE

Speechless

Have you ever felt like you are the only one that doesn't believe in you?

I have been proven wrong over and over again about my abilities...... I always feel like I can't do it but at the end when I am done everybody is usually impressed with my work...

There is a position that all the HRs and managers are telling me about and are excited that I'll be applying for it...... but here I am not believing in myself....... it's just crazy!!!!! I hate the feeling...... the posting is going to come out in a few weeks...... so I think in the next 4-5 weeks I'll have an idea of what will happen....... but till then........I'll be waiting to breathe out!

I think in a way I think it's too good to be true........ I can't imagine how I'm going to feel if it doesn't work out........ and I can't imagine how I'm going to feel if it does work out!

Taking a deep breath

God...... please help me be strong and believe in myself!!!!!!

:)

We haven't kissed or even held hands yet...... can it be.....?
آسمان همچو صفحه دل من 
روشن از جلوه های مهتابست 
امشب از خواب خوش گریزانم 
که خیال تو خوشتر از خوابست 
خیره بر سایه های وحشی بید 
می خزم در سکوت بستر خویش 
باز دنبال نغمه ای دلخواه 
می نهم سر بروی دفتر خویش 
تن صدها ترانه میرقصد 
در بلور ظریف آوایم 
لذتی ناشناس و رویا رنگ 
می دود همچو خون به رگهایم
آه ، گویی ز دخمه دل من 
روح شبگرد مه گذر کرده 
یا نسیمی در این ره متروک 
دامن از عطر یاس تر کرده 
بر لبم شعله های بوسه تو 
می شکوفد چو لاله گرم نیاز 
در خیالم ستاره ای پر نور 
می درخشد میان هاله راز 
ناشناسی درون سینه من 
پنجه بر چنگ و رود می ساید 
همره نغمه های موزونش 
گوییا بوی عود می اید
آه، باور نمیکنم که مرا 
با تو پیوستنی چنین باشد 
نگه آن دو چشم شور افکن 
سوی من گرم و دلنشین باشد 
بیگمان زان جهان رویایی 
زهره بر من فکنده دیده عشق 
می نویسم بر وی دفتر خویش 
جاودان باشی ای سپیده عشق

Love gives the reason to everything......
Love has the answer for everything.....

Asheghaaneh tanhaast......

Jaaddeh labriz az soozeh sarmaast.......

Some days I just want to quit my job..... on Friday I couldn't do anything...... there is a limit to being creative..... I hope they give me something new to do on Monday......

Naughty....

Lol..... Ok, I will try to put it in a way that won't be 18+

Isn't it better to go out with someone who is perhaps not as "attractive" but  can "show" you love (lets say in terms of physical appearance) than to go out with someone good looking with a big ego who you will be more than sure will just be adding you to their list......

This is a serious question! 

No.....I'm not referring to my guy..... I haven't got close enough to him to know.... but  the truth is that I do find him quiet attractive in a completely different way! He's so smart in a really good funny/ not geeky way.... and he always seems to know what to say... he's not the type that runs away from a difficult conversation which is rare! You know how some guys/girls pretend like nothing happened/try to change the subject instead of talking it out? well..... he's not one of those people.......at least not yet.........i should stop chatting with him...... I HATE CHATTING...... although with him I don't mind but still...... 2-3 hours is too much!!!!!

قشنگ یعنی چه ؟
قشنگ یعنی تعبیر عاشقانه اشکال 
و عشق تنها عشق 
ترا به گرمی یک سیب می کند مانوس
و عشق تنها عشق 
 مرا به وسعت اندوه زندگی ها برد 
مرا رساند به امکان یک پرنده شدن

مرداب اتاقم کدر شده بود 
 و من زمزمه خون را در رگهایم می شنیدم 
 زندگی ام در تاریکی ژرفی می گذشت
این تاریکی طرح وجودم را روشن می کرد 
در باز شد و او با فانوسش به درون وزید 
 زیبایی رها شده ای بود 
و من دیده به راهش بودم
 رویای بی شکل زندگی ام بود 
عطری در چشمم زمزمه کرد 
 رگ هایم ازتپش افتاد 
 همه رشته هایی که مرا به من نشان می داد 
 در شعله فانوسش سوخت 
زمان در من نمی گذشت 
 شور برهنه ای بودم 
 او فانوسش را به فضا آویخت 
مرا در روشن ها می جست 
تار و پود اتاقم را پیمود 
 و به من ره نیافت 
نسیمی شعله فانوسش را نوشید 
وزشی گذشت 
و من در طرحی جا می گرفتم 
در تاریکی ژرف اتاقم پیدا می شدم 
پیدا برای که ؟
او دیگر نبود
ایا باروح تاریک اتاق آمیخت ؟
عطری در گرمی رگ هایم جا به جا می شد 
 حس کردم با هستی گمشده اش مرا می نگرد 
 من چه بیهوده مکان را می کاوم 
آنی گم شده بود 

Update!... perhaps good news.......

So it turns out that my heart is not completely made of stone after all!

I'm slowly starting to really miss him...... he's so nice! and sweet.....

I also realized something......

One of the worst things that can happen to a person is to be loved and suddenly be abandoned by that person...... all of a sudden she/he may wake up and realize that the other person doesn't love or even like him/her anymore....... isn't that the worst feeling ever? specially if you love them! I think it happened to me to a degree...... but obviously it was for the best and I'm glad that it did! But not everybody is as lucky as me

Update! (why do things happen so fast around here?lol)

I just talked to my friend and she reassured me that it's ok that I'm standing by my beliefs and not pretending to feel something that I don't ......

g ngt!

feeling frustrated! again? yes!

ok ......... as much as I like this guy he can't all of a sudden come out and say that he has been waiting for the right moment to ask me out since 2011! I've been single for a year now.......where has he been all this time? If someone is that interested, don't you think they'll be waiting for the moment that you are single again to ask you out?!!!! something doesn't add up right! He seems/sounds very romantic...... but it's too soon for me to trust...... and based on experience, as I mentioned to him, I try to think logically for AS LONG AS POSSIBLE ..... which may be the very reason why none of my "relationships" have worked........ anyways..... so as you can see...... I'm mostly frustrated with myself...... not anyone else......

Forgive but don't forget.....

Sometimes you have to make a decision not to ever speak to someone no matter what.... not even a single word

Sometimes it's good to let people pay for what they did.....

Just discovered that although I'm 100% confident that the first guy and my "x" were completely crazy and that they didn't deserve to be with me even 1 bit, if they come back and make up a sob story I may consider staying "friends" with them..... what's wrong with me? I don't know and I don't want to know lol actually I do want to know......

Don't worry.......it's just a thought..... I promise you that nothing has happened! One of my many random thoughts...... this one came to mind at 12:45 am...... g ngt!

So thankful...

Do I get up every morning excited about going to work? No

Do I get up every morning thinking that I'm so freaking lucky that I have a job? Yes

I don't want this to be a dream from which I may wake up.......

Enghad fekram mashghooleh ke hatta hoseleyeh neveshtaneh chizi injaaram nadaaram

I don't even know what I want.....

As I had said before....... what else is there?

I think what I need is a motivator

So here we go....... I want something....... a motivator......... please and thank you!

I'm thankful that I work with so many great people........ specially the guy that works beside me........ he goes dancing every night...... I could too but not until I find out the answer to my question!

Sometimes I get so tired that I want to go on vacation and THINK........ but sometimes I think that thinking may not happen or won't be enough.......

For now I'm looking forward to seeing him........

He's so nice it's not even believable...... he's nice, not in a fake way.........and I'm scared in a way........ and I'm not showing any feelings........I know that I'm a bit happy but my logic is stopping me from falling..... unfortunately the only thing that comes to mind is "been there, done that"........ which takes me back to the main question.......what else is there?

Love can be defined in 1sentence

I reach for his hand, it's always there.

Rooz haaye bi khaatereh.....

It has been more than 1 month since the day I came back, I think I may have 3 memories that I may remember later on.....

Still SO thankful..... just saying.....

Love

Although I try my hardest to be a realist, there is one thing that I still believe in, which is surprising even to me....

Don't laugh ok?

But I believe that love CAN move mountains.....

Just have to find the right person...

I am what I am, I do what I want, But I can't hide...

My dream has always been to turn into a great person
What I have difficulty with is finding the definition of greatness...

Just discovered a new poem!

It doesn't really explain me and my feelings at the moment...... but I've felt like this in the past, and I have a feeling  that I will in the future as well...

در شب کوچک من، افسوس/ باد با برگ درختان میعادی دارد/در شب کوچک من دلهرهٔ ویرانیست/ گوش کن/ وزش ظلمت را میشنوی؟/ من غریبانه به این خوشبختی مینگرم/ من به نومیدی خود معتادم/ گوش کن/ وزش ظلمت را میشنوی؟/ در شب اکنون چیزی میگذرد/ ماه سرخست و مشوش/ و بر این بام که هر لحظه دراو بیم فرو ریختن است/ ابرها، همچون انبوه عزاداران/لحظهٔ باریدن را گوئی منتظرند/ لحظه ای/ و پس از آن، هیچ.

I'm so confused!

Am I falling in love with someone who is not here?
Am I going to consider long distance relationship?

It would be easy to say no..... but this guy is really nice......

But what still remains are all my insecurities about myself..... he can say the nicest thing but I'll have nothing to say in return because 1) I don't know about where I'm gonna end up staying 2) I really really really don't want to consider having a long distance relationship 3) I keep feeling like he's going to get bored of me after a few months.... or I may get bored of him...... I don't know what to think......

What I do know is that I really like him..... he is so caring!!!!! And I'm scared that I may lose that...... so the walls are way up..... way high......