God is mad at me..........

And I'll tell you why........

I had a bad dream last night....... but I believe that every dream has a meaning........

In my dream, my sister had dropped my niece off at our place and I was supposed to take my niece to work (apparentlly it was something that I had done before) ........ anyways.......... as I got ready and rushed out of the house I forgot to take her with me......... and I realized that she's not with me when I was on the first bus about 15 minutes from the stop (and 20 min walking distance after that) ....... I remembered that I had put her in the middle of the bed whene I was getting ready ........ and kept thinking what if she fell off the bed? what if?.......... as I was thinking all of these I got on the bus that could take me back home............ when all of a sudden the driver stopped and said that we can't go any further because of some danger (that I don't remember now) .......... and while sitting on the bus I was thinking about all the bad things that could have happened to my niece and thought how everything can change in one day...... and why all the bad things are happening to me....... conclusion: god is mad at me............. and that's when I woke up.........breathing heavily and thanking god that it was just a nightmare........

Cheshmaayeh man meyleh be geryeh daare mikhaad bebaareh
Del nemidooni keh cheh haali daareh cheh haali daare...
Ghosseh beh joz geryeh davaa nadaare khodaa nadaareh.....

Har chi too donya ghameh maaleh mane
Roozi hezaar baar deleh man mishkaneh
Del digeh oon taaghataaro nadaareh khoda nadaareh
Poshteh sareh ham daareh bad miaareh khoda miaare
Az daro divaar vaaseh del mibaareh khoda mibaareh

ZENDEGY aay zendegi KHASTEAM KHASTEAM
Goosheyeh zendooneh gham dasto paa basteh am......

Haalemaan bad hast....... gham ham mikhorim........

I went to a persian halloween party tonight.......... by myself! and got to know a few girls.........and danced w them ............ with music that wasnt good at all!

I had two bottles of beer... feel like puking now..........

I got to dance with the least good looking guy that had come to the party........I'm sorry but he was like maybe 1% good looking ....... out of all the guys that were there.........he was the only one that wanted to dance w me...........which makes me wonder............ am i not so good looking too? am i really? because i never thought so......... but why didnt anyone else ask me to dance? could it be because the girls that were there were better looking than me?

w/e........... just feel like sh*t right now

AH was there too.......... and the guy i just told u about is his friend........... and the guy i just told u about is the friend of someone that I actually like! so why couldnt he come and ask me to dance? why doesnt god want me to hook up with someone that I at least like? why should i always be chased by all these men that i dont like? why?

still feeling like i dont wanna be here

oh ...... news: i got a permanent job at where i work now..........weehee......... like thats a good thing! as my parents say: "u got a degree so u can go cashiering!" .......... w/e

saadeh begam raftaniam........... mikhaam b*ramo beram..............zamin vaasam jaai nadaasht beh asemoon mosaaferam..........

not that im serious about this song.......... but this is how dep i'm these days...... back to the days of feeling lost.......... wondering if anything will ever come along to make me happy...........

i need to smile ........ no i need to be happy.......... i need to be happy from inside............ why cant anyone help me? why cant i like anyone enough to enjoy their company? why oh why? lol

going crazy!

Grrrrrrrr

That means I'm angry

not because of the storm........in fact the storm was gone 2-3 days after it started.........and I started hearing the words "azizam" more than it was supposed to be used ever after...........

My life is F'ed up...... :( ........... my eyes are teary and I'm deeply sad as I'm writing this

I wish I could go on a vacation.........I've been working since JUNE ........ I need a break........ don't u think? but my mind is scattered all over the place............ I'm trying to run away from me..........but there's nowhere to hide...........

I'm sad for being so cruel to AH......... giving him high hopes before he comes here and then not even talking to him once a week!!! that's just f'ed up........... I'm very upset about it and I blame myself everyday........... I wish I'd never started talking to him............. I wish I didn't chat........ I hate being cruel to people............ and I very much dislike me........... ah!

Hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel..........it seems like it is the end of the tunnel ..... but there is no light!

I wish I could somehow just vanish........... disappear........like i never existed.......... go back to 23 + 9 monthes + 16 days + 9 months .... and never got conceived

:( :( :'(

I'm not a big fan of teary eyes............ why won't they stop?

p.s. Today I realized that yesterday was his birthday.......... so maybe thats why i wrote that post about wanting to fall in love.......... i was unconciously thinking about him / love because it was his birthday.......... Ok .......... this is crazy talk........... ignore what I just said!

Ah cheghad man kharam!

Chon doos daram aashegh besham......... nemidoonam beh khatereh baarooneh ya tanhaai ? lol

Havas kardam aashegh besham........ akhe kheyli badeh ke adam delesh tanhaa bemooneh........

Kheyli doos dashtam keh alan yeki bood ke doosesh daashtam......... khob mageh chie? Fek konam hame adama injoorian......yani donbaleh eshghan....... man ke hanooz vaghti be eshgh fekr mikonam yaadeh ...... mioftam............ eshgaali daare? khob aareh ...... oon moghe bache boodam......va too alameh bachegiam (20 saalam bood koochooloo boodam :-" ) oono doost daashtam! fekr kon......... man ye zamaani yekio doost daashtam!! Cheghadr ajib :D

Pas chera digeh nemishe? Cheghad delam bi hoseleh bood .... keh digeh daresho roo hichkas baaz nakard..........vali chera? hmmmmmm

hala in harfa ro nemizanam ke behem omidvaar shino begin "chon delesh mikhad ashegh she be zoodi donbaalesh migardeo peida mikoneh" .......... na........... 24 saal az zendegim gozasht ...... gashtam nabood........... omidi nist!

I'm a woman seeking a Problem Solver

It would have been wonderful if such a person existed!

Dear PS: I have this problem.........do you think I should ............? Yes dear .......... it's a wonderfull idea......... it will give you many good outcomes......... or no...........it's a terrible idea......... it's better if you spent ur time............

See .......... life would have been so much more beautiful if there was a PS......

But there's no one who knows what's good / bad............specially if there's a thin line between the two............sometimes it's obvious and easy to eliminate...........but sometimes u have to choose between good and better...........that's when things get complicated............

Yea ok............selling this house and moving out might not be a bad idea after all.......... I'm just not sure if I can / should leave those two alone.......... hmm............

STORM

:(

What a life!

Today's Saturday....... she's usually off on Sundays but this week it's different.........

I slept for about 12 hours last night........ so I'm feeling fine........ but when I got out of bed.........all happy about the fact that I can have a nice energetic day........ I realized that one of them has decided to sleep longer ........ she didn't even get up for breakfast............ so we had breakfast without her..........she finally got up at around 12 ........... ate a bit........and went back to bed........ I asked her what's wrong..........she didn't reply.......... but they're clearly not talking...........

vaghean zendegie maskhareyie..............she works 6 days a week............ he is on the bus for 5 hours .............. and it's only gonna get worse when the winter comes!!! and he has no car............. I go to work everyday.................seriously........what kind of life is this??? I wish I could just miraciously get a chunk of money so we could pay off the mortgage (eee na baba??) ......... shitty shitty life............ I'm sorry............I'm not complaining about my life............I'm complaining about our life............ or maybe their life..............what? I don't have the right to complain about someone else's life? of course I do! maybe everything's fine...........I just wish he had a car.............. I HATE the fact that he has to spend so much time on the bus........... no....... I also hate the fact that she works so much....... I HATE seeing her tired all the time.................

bara chi nemitoonam doros hessabi fekr konamo zendegimo behtar konam? why am I stuck?

the new idea in my head is saving money so I can go and live in another city for 2-3 months........... not now.......... probably in the spring or summer........... it's way too cold everywhere now! but it's just an idea.............

she's awake.............

I wish it was night again so I could go back to sleep and forget.........

p.s. It's AH's birthday today......... I wish he had more friends so I wouldn't feel so guilty about not talking to him!!!!

Vaghti too shab gom mishodam setaareh shab shekan nabood..... Miooneh in shab zadeh ha kasi be fekre man nabood.....

I feel really bad right now caz its 4 am and im going to bed just now after chatting for 5 hours........ same as the night before............ i wonder what it is that keeps me interested in chatting even though i know i should sleep!!! I hate it.......it's called addiction i guess...... something that u hate but keep on doing.........

I'm kinda sad........ I dont wanna think about having a bf.......... but it's a thought I can't avoid.......

I wish I was normal like everyone else and could fall in love.....

Rejecting people is not a good feeling........ i dont like to break hearts.......... if i were in a relationship no body else wouldve dared to become interested in me....... therefore i wouldnt have had this feeling of guilt over saying no to people!

Always wanting more.......

Always wanting to become better....... want things that are better.......... I don't think I'm the only one.............. it's just in human's nature

I have to remember to help others along the way....... I have serious problems with conforting others emotionally.......... I'm always afraid of being nice.......... always afraid that they'll like me....... and if someone likes me I either don't like them or if I do my insecurities about myself get in the way ........ but believe it or not I have yet to meet my knight in shining armor! Maybe it's a myth ......... maybe everyone else around me is right........... maybe I should start something with someone that I don't really like in order to get experience so I'd know how to deal with the one when he comes along......... but I don't want to....... and I never will .........

I'm sorry for boring you again with my nonesense about my feelings and the thought of having a relationship......... I know its become repetitive.........but I guess the reason I talk about it is so I can see if I can make any discoveries about my emotions and feelings........... but so far it seems like I haven't succeeded much

I don't even know what to hope for/ wish for/ aim for anymore...........


I know I'm good..... but just not good enough for many many things.........

Naashokri nemikonam.............. always greatful for what I've been given........... thank u!

New idea.......

Since I'm someone who doens't know how to enjoy life I was thinking of giving my money to those who are appreciating life and enjoying every bit of it.......

I have honestly given up............ AH is finally in vancouver........but guess what? I have no feelings for him............. well I wasn't expecting much........ my feelings for him all went away after a few incidents that happened in the past and I was left with no feelings for him when he finally arrived.........

There's someone else who is interested in me......... but I am not attracted to him either........

The other 2-3 people (who are all PHD) students and I like are people that I don't really know that well......... I just like them from distance or having short conversations......

So I give up......... I surrendour.......... I'm tired of looking.......... I'm tired of trying to find who I am......... I'm tired of thinking of having new experiences in order to expand my small world...........

I'm happy with the job that I have now and all I wanna do is work....... be on the bus 4 hours a day.........eat..........sleep........ and probably give away my money in the end...........

Just want the time to pass by........and that's ALL........

I'm tired of having no feelings for anyone or anything! I'm tired of never getting excited about anything..........

Good night