It's over...

I think...

I'm pretty sure....... tonight I looked him in the eye and said NO because I'm leaving soon...... why did I start anything, you may ask. The answer is that it happened so suddenly and so quickly without any thoughts given. I was fooling myself up to some point saying we are just friends..... I care about him a little bit.... but all the stress I have has blocked my emotions......

Last post of the night!

I shouldn't have had that earl gray tea.....

Anyways...... I was just reading some of my posts from the past in June ....

In one I'd mentioned that it's impossible to be "loved" by someone and not know it.... it's just impossible!

So here I'm 2 years later trying to see if it's true or not.....

I consider myself as someone who has been in 4 kind of "relationships"

The first one was more like dating that lasted 3-4 weeks..... he kinda liked me.... but he didn't love me
Second one (which lead to this question): No, he didn't love me... but I kinda liked him at some point..... A LOT
Third one: HT: yes, he was the only one that kinda liked me....... to this day I'm not sure how much but I'm sure not enough!
4th one: (new guys): he kinda likes me but physical attraction is the main part.......

It's kinda sad that I've never really been loved!!! WTF lol ....... ok....... I'm gonna go to bed........ Z GNGT

Perfect poem

باز هم قلبی به پایم اوفتاد


باز هم چشمی به رویم خیره شد

باز هم در گیر و دار یک نبرد

عشق من بر قلب سردی چیره شد

باز هم از چشمه لبهای من

تشنه ای سیراب شد ‚ سیراب شد

باز هم در بستر آغوش من

رهرویی در خواب شد ‚ در خواب شد

بر دو چشمش دیده می دوزم به ناز

خود نمی دانم چه می جویم در او

عاشقی دیوانه می خواهم که زود

بگذرد از جاه و مال وآبرو

او شراب بوسه می خواهد ز من

من چه گویم قلب پر امید را

او به فکر لذت و غافل که من

طالبم آن لذت جاوید را

من صفای عشق می خواهم از او

تا فدا سازم وجود خویش را

او تنی می خواهد از من آتشین

تا بسوزاند در او تشویش را

او به من میگوید ای آغوش گرم

مست نازم کن که من دیوانه ام

من باو می گویم ای نا آشنا

بگذر از من ‚ من ترا بیگانه ام

آه از این دل آه از این جام امید

عاقبت بشکست و کس رازش نخواند

چنگ شد در دست هر بیگانه ای

ای دریغا کس به آوازش نخواند

Saraab

عمری به سر دویدم در جست وجوی یار


جز دسترس به وصل اویم آرزو نبود

دادم در این هوس دل دیوانه را به باد

این جست و جو نبود

هر سو شتافتم پی آن یار ناشناس

گاهی ز شوق خنده زدم گه گریستم

بی آنکه خود بدانم ازین گونه بی قرار

مشتاق کیستم

رویی شکست چون گل رویا و دیده گفت

این است آن پری که ز من می نهفت رو

خوش یافتم که خوش تر ازین چهره ای نتافت

در خواب آرزو

هر سو مرا کشید پی خویش دربدر

این خوشپسند دیده زیباپرست من

شد رهنمای این دل مشتاق بی قرار

بگرفت دست من

و آن آرزوی گم شده بی نام و بی نشان

در دورگاه دیده من جلوه می نمود

در وادی خیال مرا مست می دواند

وز خویش می ربود

از دور می فریفت دل تشنه مرا

چون بحر موج می زد و لرزان چو آب بود

وانگه که پیش رفتم با شور و التهاب

دیدم سراب بود

بیچاره من که از پس این جست و جو هنوز

می نالد از من این دل شیدا که یار کو ؟

کو آن که جاودانه مرا می دهد فریب ؟

بنما کجاست او

One of my favorite poems... not sure if I've published it before?

چه گویمت ؟ که تو خود با خبر ز حال منی


چو جان ،‌نهان شده در جسم پر ملال منی

جنین که می گذری تلخ بر من ، از سر قهر

گمان برم که غم انگیز ماه وسال منی

خموش و گوشه نشینم ، مگر نگاه توام

لطیف و دور گریزی ، مگر خیال منی

ز چند و چون شب دوریت چه می پرسم

سیاه چشمی و خود پاسخ سوال منی

چو آرزو به دلم خفته ای همیشه و حیف

که آرزوی فریبنده ی محال منی

هوای سرکشی ای طبع من ،‌مکن ! که دگر

اسیر عشقی و مرغ شکسته بال منی

ازین غمی که چنین سینه سوز سیمین است

چه گویمت ؟ که تو خود باخبر ز حال منی

He failed the test!

So I'm kinda sick these days, and we decided to go for a walk tonight....

Then he asked me to go to his place and I said no...... but I told him I'm bored and want to play cards....

He said he doesn't have them on him..... I told him I'll go get him food.... hadn't planned what to do after...... I found cards at my place and brought him food....... he had bought stuff like frozen pizza that needed to go in the fridge..... I told him it's ok he can go home...... and gave him the food ...... he thanked me and asked am I sure I'll be ok if he goes home? I said yes...... and he left!

It's true what they say about women meaning the opposite of  what they say.....when I said I'm ok if he goes home it really meant I'm not ok! lol..... You know what..... I really don't want a "relationship" like this..... he has not won my heart at all yet...... I rarely miss him...... I have so much more to worry about!

Just sent an e-mail to the US saying I can't join them this summer.......... FINALLY did it!!! It was really really hard..... but I gotta focus on what's important........

I hope I made the right decision...... it does feel right......

The new quote that I should publish soon is this:

In order to creat certainty, you have to get rid of some uncertainties!

It sounds simple, but not that easy to do!

Him?

I'm talking about the new guy....

I'm so worried about everything else that's going on in my life at the moment that his presence and creation of an uncertainty fails to give me any pleasure....

Yes, he's nice. But so what? As my friend says, if he's just here for the moment and is not for any reason thinking about anything long term, then what am I doing spending time with him? Maraz daram?

I need to be given a chance...

Everything great that has happened to me in life has been very much unexpected.... Most of the opportunities arised at a time that I expected it the least..... I need one of those opportunities in my life very badly now...

The rainy weather outside matches my mood..... this time I'm not even sad to see the clouds and the rain... I just need to find a job... god please let me be accepted for the job that I'll be going to have an interview for in the near future..... I don't just want it ..... I NEED IT TO FEEL ALIVE AGAIN..... please......

I'm kind of sad for passing on the opportunity that was a dream come true last year.......I'm not looking for fun anymore.... I've learned a few things in the past year..... although at the time that I got that job I was the happiest person on earth, going for that job this year feels like it will hold me back from some great oppotunities that I MAY have ahead of me.... only time would tell.... getting it was hard last year... but this year there was no challenge to get it, hence lower in terms of value....I hope god forgives me for this and that they don't get mad at me to the point that they won't want to hire anymore international staff...

Over?

Last night I told him that I don't want a relationship that's based on just kissing etc...

He said that's not what our relationship is about.....

Let's see if he can prove that.......so far he has messaged me way less than before......

Yes, my hijabi friend did remind me of a few things that matter which I should focus on.... and that a relationship, if serious, has a stronger foundation.... which I agree with!

So let's see chand mardeh hallaajeh.....

Reaching phase 2? Oh no!

Lol

I feel like I'm in a way getting attached to him! It's too soon to tell ... but for example I was thinking a lot about him yesterday and this morning .... and now that he hasn't replied to my text I'm getting :( ...... lol ok ok...... I gotta focus on other things...... I'll try to keep him around but not inside my head .. or heart.... close but he can't get in! Not because I don't want that to happen... just because Phase 3 is when I get into a "I want to be with him all the time" mode and "they" leave.....

I have "met" the criteria for another dream job....

My whole life is in the air....

Sometimes the only thing we can do is....

Pray that we choose the right path and make the right decision!

Still feeling down......

2 more days until I'm out of the job again.....

Ehsaase ashegh boodan ro doos dashtam

Na aan kasi ke man aan boodam
Na aan kasi ke to aan boodi......

که چی ؟ که بمانم دویست سال


به ظلم و تباهی نظر کنم

که هی همه روزم به شب رسد

که هی همه شب را سحر کنم

که هی سحر از پشت شیشه ها

دهن کجی ی آفتاب را

ببینم و با نفرتی غلیظ

نگاه به روزی دگر کنم

نبرده به لب چای تلخ را

دوباره کلنجار پیچ و موج

که قصه ی دیوان بلخ را

دوباره مرور از خبر کنم

قفس ، همه دنیا قفس ، قفس

هوای گریزم به سر زند

دوباره قبا را به تن کشم

دوباره لچک را به سر کنم

کجا ؟ به خیابان نکجا

میان فساد و جمود و دود

که در غم هر بود یا نبود

ز دست ستم شکوه سر کنم

اگر چه مرا خوانده اید باز

ولی همه یاران به محنتند

گذارمشان در بلای سخت

که چی ؟ که نشاطی دگر کنم

که چی ؟ که پزشکان خوبتان

دوباره مرا چاره یی کنند

خطر کنم و جامه دان به دست

دوباره هوای سفر کنم

بیایم و این قلب نو شود

بیایم و این چشم بی غبار

بیایم و در جمعتان ز شعر

دوباره به پا شور و شرکنم

ولی نه چنان در غبار برف

فرو شده ام تا برون شوم

گمان نکنم زین بلای ژرف

سری به سلامت به در کنم

رفیق قدیمم ، عزیز من

به خواب زمستان رهام کن

مگر به مدارای غفلتی

روان و تن آسوده تر کنم

اگر به عصب های خشک من

نسیم بهاری گذر کند

به رویش سبز جوانه ها

بود که تنی بارور کنم

Bazi moghe ha ehsas mikonam tanhaa raaheh nejaate man didaneh khorshideh...

Faghat hamin!

Va zehneh ayndeh daarad aaraam aaraam az khaterate sabz tohi mishavad...

I'd like to think otherwise though.....

Ncie poem

رفتم اما دل من مانده برِ دوست هنوز


می برم جسمی و، جان در گرو اوست هنوز

هر چه او خواست، همان خواست دلم بی کم و کاست

گرچه راضی نشد از من دل آن دوست هنوز

گر چه با دوری ی ِ او زندگیم نیست، ولی

یاد او می دمدم جان به رگ و پوست هنوز

بر سرو سینه ی من بوسه ی گَرْمش گل کرد

جان ِ ‌حسرت زده زان خاطره خوشبوست هنوز.

رشته ی مهر و وفا شُکر که از دست نرفت

بر سر شانه ی من تاری از آن موست هنوز

بکشد یا بکشد، هر چه کند دَم نزنم

مرحبا عشق که بازوش به نیروست هنوز

هم مگر دوست عنایت کند و تربیتی

طبع من لاله ی صحرایی ی ِ خودروست هنوز

با همه زخم که سیمین به دل از او دارد

می کشد نعره که آرامِ دلم اوست هنوز...

I'm sorry if I don't miss you...

I'll use the distance and the fact that I haven't seen you in 14 + years to justify myself......
I'll use the fact that I have only known you for 1 month to justify it......
I'll use the fact that you never did anything significant to find a place in my heart so you'll be missed....

I'm sorry if I miss you.....

I'll use the fact that I saw you 4-5 times everyday for more than 6 months to justify the reason as to why I miss you

Update?

hmm.. at work they have told us that a few people may get extension on their contracts...... considering that there are more than 15 people of which only 3-4 will be staying doesn't sound too promising.... but at the same time I'm convinging myself that I'll be one of the 3-4..... meanwhile knowing that based on what has been happening in the past year I should not get my hopes up..... trying to ignore it for now and wait until Friday to see what happens...... I want this.......BAD...... I really do..... but so did I with many of the other things......

Yes I'm all :) these days..... but deep deep down inside I'm a mess who is very very depresseD! I need help..... not from you.....but by the greater power that's watching over us.....