Am I a workoholic?

depends...

I've been kinda happy for the past few days... Am wondering if it's because of work... The busier I get the happier I am? let's not forget the fact that I got the job I wanted! It's strange... Because I feel like relationships take so much out of me that I dont even want to be employed... But when I love my job when ai'm single! Hmmm

I've been feeling quiet fantastic since sunday... The fact that he messaged me and told me he wants to see me put everything in perspective... The more I think about it the more I realize that I simply can not see him. I really think he is playing a game.. Althiugh he may not be aware of it... There's simply no way that I will go out with him if he is w someone else! To add to that, I really don't think I'm his type! I didn't know it before but I know now...


Anyway... I'd got all excited but most likely I'm not gonna do it...

Ignorance

delam mikhaast bazi chizhaaro nemididam ta dar royayeh khod ta abad shena konam... Vali didan ya shenidaneh haghighat, cheshm raa baaz mikonad va raahe bargasht ra mibandad

Negin

moshkeleh man yek esmast... Kasi ke na didam na mishnasam... Va naakhaasteh azoo motenafferam va oo raa moghasser midaanam... Oo va? Digar nemidaanam ki faghat in yek esm raa peida kardam

Maybe... Most probably going out with him is not a good idea and will not happen

What did I do?

Well nothing yet... But just the thought!!!


I got what I wanted... I wanted to be asked out by him... And he asked me out... I was hoping that my linkedin account instagram and fb will finally get his attention

What he said was coffee and watching tv... Both of which i said yes to... So wtf?!!! I have to remember my values...

Its 4:45 am

Gngt

Kojaayeh in shabeh tire

biaavizam biaavizam... Ghabaayeh jhendeyeh khod raa

Cheh aaghaazi cheh paayaani...


Bishtar az naaraahat khoshhaalam keh in jaayeh shokreh khodesho daareh

Ghalbam hanooz poreh datdeh... Vali dardesh kamtar shodeh

Hanooz nemitoonam rahaash konam... Hanooz joratesho peida nakardam ke beshinam fekr konam bebinam cheraa doosesh daashtam keh dobaareh in eshtebaaho tekraar nakonam

Khodaayaa shokret

Yani misheh...

yeh rooz besheh ke digeh behesh fekr nakonam? Thinking about him makes me sad because I loved being with him... As i'm writing this I'm getting the energy to let go and forget... Because I want to.... Khodaayaa komakam kon keh dobaareh aashegh besham... This time I'm not just looking for love... I'm looking for a love lasting love...

Ps

i look in the mirror and I love what I see... Really truly love! And so thankful.. ❤️

It's funny

As much as I know that everything happens for a reason and it's best that we didnt continue I still feel sad and disgusted (feeling like throwing up) when I think about it... "Love" is a crazy thing I guess...

Gngt

The truth is...

despite my effort to be happy, I'm not. I'm just ok ... But that's about it... And I think that's ok... I dont like the feeling... I think for me lack of love equals to just surviving and not living...

I went to have ice cream today... And my memories just came rushing back... Anyway... I'm ok... But just ok... Pretty tired... And having vaista donya man mikhaam piaade sham moment

Ngt

Hmm

they say (or so I think) if you want to become you have to stare at fear in the eye and not run away... Story of my life... All I sometimes want to do is message him and tell him how much I miss him and how much I loved him... Yes... Loved...

But then I stop myself... And deep down inside I know I will someday find someone who will love me for me...

Harki be donbaaleh khabar migarde, behesh begid eshgh dare barmigarde... Eshgh miaad hamin rooza kheyli zood... Eshgh miaad taaze mifahmim chi bood...

Hmm

Sometimes some things hurt so much that you know as a fact that talking about it will not solve anything..., thinking about it will not solve anything

A little better than meh...

at my parents... Helping my sis "move" :)

Frm or no frm...that is the q...

My problem is that my goals are conditional... Or so I think... If the plan is to get to the top i will... But getting married and having babies is different... Everytime im in a "relationship" i wish i had a less challenging job... But as soon as i break up i fall in love with my job again...

Anyway... Me sleepy.. Gngt

Cried again

and I thought I was doing so well... My heart hurts again...

Just not that into you...

Enpty... Feeling empty? Hmm... Not really... I just want to be loved in return that's all...

Is love only found in movies??? Really???

You've got the light to fight the shadow... So stop hiding it away

:)

Pishraft az rooye eshgh ya nefrat...

yaa hardo...

Not sure... But perhaps both... All I know that love has pushed me forward... I've progressed in life to prove a point more than anything... And I've just happened to like my progress

My friend calls me and tells me that my ex has superliked her on tinder...

Do I give a f***? Yes and no... Def more no than yes.. And this is what I call progress... 💕😇😇😇

*feeling thankful... So thankful... Trying to think of ways to repay... ❤️

I got the job!

As if it's a matter of fact thing...

I am also planning on doing the FRM designation... Not sure...

Super thankful! 😇

On a different note..

I like drama... Not the kind that's visible... Just those that I see... For example sometimes I say certain things to get certain reactions out of people... It varies depending on my mood... I also think about things like what songs/pix to post to get a certain reaction out of ppl... For example, i was thinking about deleting him off fb and right after put up a pic of me and a bottle of vodka with the caption "happiness is..." ... And of course leave the privacy to everyone just in case some day he sees it (hopefully same day) and "regrets" what he did...


The funniest thing is that in all truth I wasnt sure if hed be a good husband or dad but I was still willing to give it a chance!!!

Btw I did my interview today and I'll know by tomorrow...

😱

Lol ... Just the thought of falling in love again excites me to the point that my heart starts beating 😍

Haalemaan khoobast, gham kam mikhorim ;)

Bezaar too haaleh khodam baasham

Nemikhaam ke zooraki too deleh to jaa sham
Na nemikhaam baasham

Bazi moghe haa khasteh misham... Khasteh az in hameh kasifio dooroogh... Aakhe chera? :( I liked him so much... How could I be such a fool?

Blown away by this beauty

so thankful

Haalemaan khoobast...

gham kam mikhorim...

Well, i'm not perfect... I have my drawbacks... I guess I am human after all!! I don't intentionally think about my memories... They are 95% blocked... But I'm still having a hard time with places (e.g movie theatre, restaurants)... And I feel like throwing up when the memories rush in... No tears so far this week... Just disgusted by him... Jan30th is the day he will be deleted from my fb

Anyway... Theres something that I really really want... At first I was indifferent but now I want this job so so SO bad!!!! I will get it! By next week (or sooner!!!) I will tell you the great news!!! 😎😎😎👌🏻👍🏻😇

How you doin'?

I'm fine... Much better than last week... I realized that sny type of move takes time to get adjusted to, whether from home to s new city or being back at home! My brain's still working hard to block memories...

Also wondering about work stuff... Hope they give me my money soon!!

Just writing that felt therapeutic enough... No need to actually send it to him... At least for now :)

Harf baraayeh goftan ziaadeh vali...

Che faydeh?

Bayaanesh chizio taghir nemideh... Daastaano sad bar moroor kardam... Man eshtebaah nakardeh boodam... He misled me... 

Before I came back the first time everything felt wrong... I felt like I was fighting for something that didn't exist anymore... And coming back proved me right... Something did feel awkward and different... But I justified it by thinking to myself that it's just part of the difficulties of the long distance and it will get better after I come back... At that time there was two months left... Less than a week after I went back I received another message about how difficult long distance is for him... I asked him to make up his mind... I felt like I had suffered enough in the past 40 days that I couldn't take it anymore... But then he gof mad... And I calmed him dowm... I didn't know why I was trying so hard... Well I knew... It was because I liked him so much.... From the beginning he had told me how much he hates long distance and because of that I had never been able to express my feelings to him in words... Or even in action... Every move I made and everything I said was based on knowing that he hates long distance and this may not work out... So I never wanted to approach him, I always let him come to me even at times that I wanted so badly to go to him... I let him express his feelings and I would not say anything... So I decided to tell him in the middle of our texts that I had feelings for him... Maybe that's when things got worse... To tell someone how you feel about them through text when you are in a long distance is not a good idea... But he kept telling me he can't 100% trust me... And I thought if I tell him how I feel he may feel better... I even changed my profile pic to a pic of him and I... All to gain his trust... Which I now don't even think was an issue... The part I don't get is why he wanted me to come back in November... If he really didn't want to be with me why ask me to come back and then tell me he wants to put things on hold... 4 weeks before I return... Those 4 weeks passed and then he messaged me saying he wants to pick me up... Why? It's hard to beleive it was all a play... My feelings were real...  The first night I asked who is Sarvenaz... He said just a friend... But the reality is I didn't care if it was sarvenaz... I cared if he was with someone at all... If he haf told me then at that moment I'd have acted differently... I wouldn't have been so welcoming... Although the truth is that I didn't care that much... Things were on hold... So it was ok if he had decided to be with someone else... That's when my confusion began... I assumed he wants us to get back together but that wasn't the case... I found out 2 days after... Was he really w his friend the next night or another girl... Even thinking about it makes me want to throw up... But now I finally get why I had been confused... He knew that I wanted to come back to a relationship so why would he pick me up from the airport and want to sleep with me if he knew by that point he doesn't want me in his life anymore... I guess har gol yeh booyi daare... It was all a disgusting game...The whole thing feels like it was planned and it feels disgusting... I hope I can wake up one day and not feel like throwing up from thinking about these memories...  He didn't say a word about the details of when things changed and if there was a reason... That's what I want to know... But he will never tell me because he wants to be the good guy ... He said so himself... None of his gfs think of him as a bad person... He ended things "nicely" with them so they never bothered to find the difference between deception and sincereitty....  Regardless, I am only left with feeling of love because the before  my departure in September which felt real is the only part  that mt brain dares to thibk about... I mau not get an explanation... But I do hope I get an apology for 3 months of "suffering" followed by more suffering after coming back

I'm just happy!

Despite the heart pain (seriously... Maybe I should see a doctor... Maybe its not my broken heart). Lol


Sooo thankful :)

Speechless

Just thankful...

It's all about our perception...

Thank god every day for having people around me who remind me how amazing I am despite my own belief... So so SO thankful

Umm...

I cried at the movies yesterday... Lets blame it on "that time of the month"... Which by the way is I think the first time to be "that time"... Lol

Right now am ok...

But thinking about the whole thing (which I try soooo hard not to do) makes me want to throw up... So I think am gonna take a bit of a break from the dating game and focus on work!!! Woohoo 😍😍😍☺️☺️☺️

Aaaaay ghalbammmmm

I'm so sad

At least this moment

Well not that sad

Ok I guess I'm gonna go to bed

I'm "find"

Lol as monica says when she's sick

Anyway

I'm so thankful for feeling the way I do... I made a "mistake" which was replying to his text ...

Anyway... I have felt good for most of the day... Other than my breakdown moment in the morning when I cried in the office for 39 seconds.... Sometimes I cant run away from the memories

Btw

Theres still no sign of that time of the month...

Ill worry about it after my birthday

Hm2

Ehsaas mikonam 4 sotoone dendegim khaanevaadam hastan... Az shaafieh oonaa bi nahaayat khoshhaal mishamo az ghameshoon bi nahaayat naaraahat... True meaning of love beyond what words can explain

Not quiet there yet... But almost...

I see happiness as being next to people that I love.... I don't just think it... I've seen and felt it... The struggle is to choose between career and "personal" life.... I think if I am to make any moves for my career growth now is the only time... I definitely will not be moving around after Jan 2018... By Jan 2018 I will be back here no matter what... Even if I have to sweep the floors...

I consider this city my home... And I love my home... And the love for my family and friends has never been higher...

I'm so blessed and thankful

Fill your life with love and gratitute

Aaraamesh

I had an amazing weekend... Despite the heart break and the pain it feels good to be next to loved ones and those that love me ... I feel empowered and thankful... It's 3:30 pm now and I feel good :)

Today

I woke up this morning quiet happy

My brain is working pretty darn hard to prevent me from thinking about him and the memories

My heart is still in pain, as if I've been heartbroken... It physically hurts

But I'm still so thankful and enjoying the present and the moment

I have no doubt that everything happens for a reason

Thank you god!

Hm

If I knew the reason or how I can shift my focus I would do it... Right now I'm completely fine... I had a lot of fun at my friend's birthday party... I prey to god to help me in my emotional recovery...

4 paayeye ghodrat... Sense of belonging... I feel great when I feel loved... The best thing I learned

Just a thought...

Do we always need an explanation? He left.... Let's say for no reason... Why should I look for a reason... Just move on! (Still happpyyyy happily happooly happyyyy :D)

:D

Other than the last post, dont worry about me.... Ive got everything under control... Sooooo freaking thankful!!! Thank you god!!!

Ummm...

Can it be that time of the month soon before I start freaking out? Please and thank you!

:)

Emotional attacks

Usually it lasts a few minutes.... It's so weird... My heart hurts... As if someone is stepping on it... Someone really did... Chesham poreh ashkeh...

Ghalbam dard mikoneh

Mikhaam zaaaaaar bezanam... Vali khooneye mamaninam...

Things dont happen to us

They happen for us...

Despite the heart pain, this is what I truly believe!

The sad truth... The funny truth.... Or simply, the truth...

I still cant believe we broke up... To me, we were perfect...

But the reality is that despite the fact that I liked him so so much I was always doubtful about if he could make a good husband/father... But at the sane time I knew that I was thinking too far ahead

I'm scared of reading the msgs that I wrote again.... The ones that he read....

I cried last night... For 5 minutes or so... I didnt just cry... It wasnt just tears rolling down my cheeks...  Hegh hegh zaaaar mizadam... As if I've lost someone dear to me... Someone that I'd loved...

I just don't want to think about it... I dont know what happened... I cant make sense out of something that doesnt make sense... He just didnt want to be with me anymore....

The sad truth is that it's for the best... This I know with certainty... He told me he wants to be with other girls and that he has been with other girls... I still dont know if it was the truth or a lie... He didnt want to say it... He was hiding something.... And my gut feeling tells me that the reason he left was because he was worried about something... Perhaps worried about me not being good enough to be the 1 for him... Or he knew that he is not good enough for me... Regardless, the truth is that I did everything in my power to make it work... Everything... But at the end the feeling has to be mutual...

The only thing left is to delete him from fb

I will do it


Soon

I promise...

I'm 77% ready...

On a totally diff note, they say that one has to be able to be extremely happy alone... I dont remember EVER being happy alone... Its as if I need someone to get me to that point... I can be somewhat happy... But to experience joy whole heartedly I have to be in love... Or do I? I'll think about it

So excited for this year... It's gonna be good... No... It's gonna be great! :)