Basi khiaaleh baatel

 And the day came, when it all came crashing down. I’m sad to say that it all felt a bit too familiar. I was in shock and I wasn’t in shock. I heard the words but I stayed calm. Am I really in denial? Did I hear him right? Can I say that he was just having a bad day and move on? Do I really need to sit down and analyze every single thing that he said and figure out if he meant them? Will ignoring it put me back in denial? Is it me who just felt that every thing is rainbows and sunshine? Did I do that again??? Did I keep myself in a bubble and “pretended” like everything is beautiful and rosy? Was he really sad and upset all this time and just not telling me? At least that’s what he said in words. “Things are not fine.” “I am sad” “the things you do take away my confidence in us” “you never hear me” “you only do things that you want to do without taking how I feel into consideration” “I never wanted to get engaged or married but I am doing it for you”… am I supposed to be thankful that he wants to marry me because I want him to? “I am leaving everything behind and moving to Vancouver for you but it seems like you don’t get the amount of sacrifice that I am making here”

I feel lost. I really don’t know how to feel about any of these. 

“I want to live a simple life and don’t want crap all around me”

“The thought of moving to Vancouver doesn’t excite me”

I know that he literally threw up his feelings and emotions on me. We have learned that we should not do that.

I’m really upset and sad. I always thought that I really trust his love. I felt secure. Too secure. I was so sure of his love. But what does he really love about me if he is so angry with me and who I am and what I want? 

This reminds me of my dad… reminds me of my parents and their not so happy marriage. My dad is always doing things for others… but on more than one occasion I have heard him say exactly the same thing. That he did it for us. He didn’t want any of it. Am I marrying the same person? What is my lesson here?

I don’t want to act like a total victim. Sometimes I think that if I was just a bit more tidy he would love me a lot more. I don’t know why I “can’t” do it. Why don’t I want to do little things like cleaning around the house if I know that it would make him so much happier? Is this a wakeup call? 

I feel like up until yesterday I had closed my eyes to all the potential challenges coming our way. I usually don’t like to think ahead too much and want to think that we will deal with it once it comes. But am I being childish for doing that? Have I kept “us” and who we are so separated that I don’t even know how to unite us anymore? I have always felt like I want to keep individuals as individuals and if they find a way to be happy as “individuals” then that’s great. Have I been wrong all this time? I have always thought that we have enough in common to be able to move in the same direction.

They say that we have to be happy as individuals before entering into a relationship… I think I was. Was he? 

It’s our engagement photoshoot next week. 

Part of me feels that we are not ready for this. Are people ever 100% ready? 

All I can think about is how he’s going to write his vows knowing that there’s so much anger behind the scenes. How will I enter into a marriage knowing what I know now?

I remember last September I was sad with all my heart because he kept delaying his proposal and delayed us from having a baby. Now that I have EVERYTHING  I have always wanted, why can’t I be more happy and excited about it?

Shaayad tanhaa chaareye in dard margast

 Nemikham ghor bezanam

Nemidoonam aslan chi mikham begam

Aslan digeh nemidoonam ki hastamo chi mikhaam

Man ooni chizi ke fekr mikardam baa tamaame vojoodam mikhaamo digeh nemikhaam… aslan nemidoonam digeh chi mikhaam

Khaste az in davaahaaye maskhare… nemidoonam chera doros nemisham…