با تو، حكايتي دگراين دل ما بسر كند
شب سياه قصه را هواي تو سحر كند
باور ما نميشود ، در سر ما نميرود
از گذر سينه ما يار دگر گذر كند

Stepping out of the SAFE ZONE......( Part II )

Ok fine........ I'll tell u what happened........

so yea......as u might have suspected I had planned to go out with some guy whom I'd met in chat......

I had told him that I wanna meet him on thursday...... but then my managere called and told me that she can give me an 8 hour shift on that day.....and I accepted it.........

So..... last night (Tuesday) ...... I was waiting IMPATIENTLY for him to come online so we can set another day (not date!!) to meet one another.......

Since I knew that I was gonna be working for the next 4 days I didn't wanna delay it to next week.... I just could not wait!!! and that's not because I was in love with him.. lol..it was because of another SELFISH reason .... I didn't wanna waste my time thinking about how he might be and how he might look for another week! that's why I told him that I'd like to meet him tonight (wednesday) or don wanna meet him at all.........

the poor guy said ok........he was at work until 6 and had a meeting until 9 but he was willing to come and see me after.......so I agreed to meet him at 10 o'clock in front of a mall... (it was getting dark.... )

I decided to sit inside the mall because it was cold outside..and as alwayz..... I had one of my precious books in my hand .... I read about 40 pages before he comes ..... it was 10 o'clock.... there was still no sign of him..... so I said "too bad so sad....I will finish the last few pages and then catch my bus at 10:15) ....... believe it or not I didn't care that much..... I was thinking "if it happens it would bee a good experience..... if not then I would just say ' ghesmat naboodeh :) ' and then walk away......."

anywayz......as I was reading the last page (the most exciting part of the book) .....the door opens and he comes in........

the first thought that went through my head was ... ( ok NEVER MIND..... he's clearly not my knight in shining armour.....) ........

then he stepped forward and said hi......

manam boland shodam o salamaleyk kardimo..... bad goft ba accountantesh gharar dashte o taxeh chi chi jarimeh shodeh o in joor harfa ke man sar dar nemiovordam........

kholase hamintor ke man az jam boland shodeh boodam goft mikhay berim biroon ...goftam behtare berim va eyla az mal mindazanemoon biroon ... (akhe saat 9 baste boodo fekr konam kam kam vaghtesh bood ke security biad......)

anywayz.....we started walking ... he was an old looking guy.....well he said he's 8 years older than me (still not sure if he told me the truth or not) but looked like he's at least 32-33.........

khoobish in bood ke aadameh khaaki e be nazar mioomad bara hamin I was so comfortable talking to him ........ when there are no FEELINGS involved it's very easy to talk to a guy (lesson #1).........

shoroo kardim be tarafe parki ke nazdike mall bood raftan.......oon ye mioonbor balad bood ke kheyli jaaye tariki bood......kholase parandeh par nemizad....... yekam ke raftim jolotar jadde boodo chan ta mashin park karde boodan o chan ta adam vaisade boodan........


hamintori ke dashtim ra miraftim oon kotesho darovord .......(hava kheyli sard bood!!! albate chon raa miraftim ok bood)...... man ta hala az oon tarafe park narafte boodam.......hamishe be samte raast miraftam vali endafe oon goft berim be samte chap....... manam moafeghat kardamo bad az 5 deghe intora dobare hame ja khalvate khalvat shod.. dige hatta ye mashinam nabood .......... avval dashtim az kenare khiaaboon rad mishodim...... oon dasht dar moredeh karesh migofto mohandesayeh dige ke too sherkateshoonan o in harfa.......manam goosh midadam...... o yekamam dar morede business o ina harf zadim..... bad behesh goftam ke az karet razi hasti...goft are hamoonie ke hamishe mikhastam ...... goftam e pas be arezoot residi..... khandash gereft.....goft ye filmi bood ghadima ke toosh ye bazigari too roosta asheghe ye dokhtari mishe ke too tehran mibineh....ba'd az chand saal taraf miad tehrano beh hameh mige man donbaleh aarezoom migardam........ hameh am behesh migan "khob azizeh man hame mardom donbaleh arezooshoon migardan" ....... (Fekr konam khodetoon baghie dastano fahmidin).. bad goft manam emshab too in jangal AREZOUMO peida kardam!!! man hamintor moonde boodam.... goftam na baba ..... in harfa chie... man ba arezou kheyli fargh daram!! ;)....... badesham say kardam mozoo ro avaz konam........

yekam dige ra raftim.....dige khiaabooni vojood nadasht.....tarike taarik bood....in varo oon var booshe..... faghat mano oon boodim.... vali az laayeh derakhta ye sedai mioomad....... man goftam vaay alan ye khers az in poshta miaad biroon .... khandid goft na baba khers koja bood.... ageh mikhay dasteto bede be man ke natarsi...... goftam na kheyli natarsidam :).... kholase shoroo kard yekam az doostasho ina tarif kardan......... ba'd goft man vaghean kheyli adameh lucky e hastam ke toonestam shomaro bebinam...aslan fekr nemikardam enghad adameh khoobi bashi....... manam sokoot kardam......ya goftam na baba in harfa chie....... o dobare mozooro avaz kardam........

kholase residim be ye jaayi ke derakhtaayeh boland dasht......hatta noore mahtabam nabood ke raaho roshan koneh........do se ghadam raftim o man goftam "vaghean jaayi ro nemibinam" ....... oon goft manam nemibinam...... pas bargardim....... kholase dashtim bar migashtim..... goft man az she'rayi ke shoma joloyeh IDtoon minevisin kheyli khosham miad......... manam goftam are akhe be ahango ina ziad goosh midamo shoroo kardam az khanandeh hayeh jadid sohbat kardan......... etc...........

porsidam ke az avval koja dars mikhoondi o ta cheghad khoondi...goft foghe lisansamo gereftam...... porsidam average et cheghadre ..goft 92% ........goftam wow cheghad khoob......

kholase dige be jaddeye asli reside boodim...goftam mishe begi saat chande man emrooz saatamo khoone jaa gozashtam......goft 11 o 10 .... ( man be mamanamina gofte boodam ta 11 khoonam! )....... goftam mishe ye lahze az cellphonet estefade konam.....mikhast behem bede ke goftam never mind injoori shomaram miofte.......goft biaa zang bezan ghol midam ke shomarato pak konam....goftam na mersi....... savare otoboos besham 10 deghe dige khoonam...... goft bezar beresoonamet masiram oonvare.... vali man tashakkor kardamo goftam tarjih midam ba bus beram........

goft rasti man ye chizi behet nagoftam......... omdivaram vaghti behet migam kotak nakhoram......goftam na baba .....khob alan begoo eshkal nadare...... kholase dastesho kard too jibesh o kartesho darovord goft esme vaagheyie man ** nist *** e.. goftam ahan eshkal nadare (mikhastam begam mohem nist vali ba khodam goftam na baba zeshte) .......

dige taghriban reside boodim be istgahe otoboos.....goftam 5 deghe dige otoboose man miad..... goft ok shomaramo ke dari badan behem zang mizani ......+ man akhare in hafte ba doostam gharar daram vali mitoonam cancel konam ke ba ham berim biroon ........... goftam 1) man khosham nemiad ke telephoni ba kasi sohbat konam o hamishe tanhayi ro tarjih midadam.....bishtar doost daram tanha biroon beram o begardam.... goft tanhayi ke khoobe vali bazi moghe ha adam kesai ro mibine ke tarjih mide vaghtesho ba oona begzarooneh ta tanha bashe........ goft kash dir vaght nabood yeki do saat dige biroon mimoondim...aakhe emshab havaa be nazaram kheyli aalieh....... goftam havaa gharaareh taa hafte dige har rooz aftabi baashe ..... :)

otoboos dasht be tarafemoon mioomad......goftam mersi az inke oomadi ....... shabeh khoobi bood....... khoshhal shodam........ oonam tashakkor kardo goft emshab yeki az behtarin shabayeh zendegime ........ manam goftam :) THAT's good.....

hamintori ke dashtam be tarafe otoboos miraftam goftam hala barat offline mizaram..goft ok....... goftam shayadam email zadam (cheshmak zadam!...... vaaaaaay che zaayeh...) ba'desham savare otoboos shodam......... doa mikardam ke donbale otoboos nayad :) ........

hamintor ke dashtam be tahe otoboos miraftam ye pesare iranio didam..... cute bood..... ba khodam fekr kardam ke behesh begam "excuse me can I borrow your cell phone for a second" ......hamintori ke ye conversation doros konam...... vali az fekram khandam gereft......

vaghean ke adameh bi ehsasi hastam....

Finding a way to escape...

There's something really important that I should think about ( my future =.. my career... my school...... and most important of all ....the biggest unknown = myself! ).... but on the other hand......there's something else that's not important at alll... which I would LIKE to think about...... u know what I mean?

well .. there is this guy..... he's nowhere near perfect..... I mean I donnow him at all... but I'd like to think of him as Mr. Perfect..... is that crazy or what?

oh ... and there was this other guy that I saw on the bus... I was in love with him for about two days... but now I'm finally over him .. haha

*
sh*t.... I saw him on the bus again......I donnow what it is about him that's soooo likable.... he looks so innocent..... there's something in his eyes that makes me want to go and say hi to him..... why did he turn back and smile at me?

July. 5

*
Desperate?

desperate for what? to run away from this......what did u call it again? insanity?

yes ......maybe......

I donnow..... I mean I guess so.....

I don't like to run away.....I'd much rather stay and fight...... but there is this other part of me that wants me to only think about things that could make my life more enjoyful.... I think it's because of the 4 monthes that I stayed at home studying + the 7 years that I spent thinking about the future while ignoring everything else that was going on around me in the present......

anywayz.....the important thing is that one PART of me ( the happy , live in the present and enjoy it one) is winning over the other part of me that wants to concentrate on the future..... and ......guess what? it's tearing me apart

Stepping out of the SAFE ZONE......( Part I)

what the f*** do I think I'm doing ?????????
I know this is not f***ing gonna workkkkkkkkk

but i'm gonna do it anywayz..........
omg......i'm f***ing crazy :D

so excited and scared at the same time........

will i really do it? well if i do it's gonna be the biggest change ever ........

ok... i have a few more dayz before the BIG DAY

but i just know that it wont work :(

ahhhhh cheghad man adame bad bini hastamaa........
vali khob ras migam dige.....mesle in mimoone ke shekar chi e ke barayeh bare avval tofang dastesh migire ye ahoo shekar koneh........

ew.....what if it's a lot worse than i think it is???????

omg.......ok...no....i'm gonna do it anywayz........not gonna surrounder this time.....not this time......

"whatever that doesnt kill u can only make u stronger".....i'll just keep telling myself that.......

god......let *** be ******* plzzzzzzzzz :)

Ey dar dele man meylo tamanna hameh to, andar sare man mayeyeh soda hameh to. Divaneyeh to har do jahan ra che konam? Diruz hame toyio farda hameh to!

همیشه از نگاه تو با تو عبور می کنم
از اینکه عاشق توام حس غرور می کنم
دوباره با سلام تو تازه تازه می شوم
با نفس ساده تو غرق ترانه می شوم
با تو ستاره می شوم, با تو ستاره می شوم ,با تو ستاره می شوم
از سایه های ملتهب همیشه می گریختم
با رفتن تو هر نفس بغض دوباره می شوم
ناجی شام شوکران با دل عاشقم بمان
به حرمت حضور تو چون تو یگانه می شوم
خانه به خانه دیدمت همچو فسانه دیدمت
خانه به خانه دیدمت همچو فسانه دیدمت
با تو ستاره می شوم, با تو ستاره می شوم ,با تو ستاره می شوم
با تو ستاره می شوم, با تو ستاره می شوم ,با تو ستاره می شوم

Unforgettable + Unforgivable

Those two words go together......

It's just one thing..one little word.....one little thing that should have been done but wasn't!

That's all that's needed to create hatered........

Yes ...I'm using the H word....never thought that I would HATE anyone.... but.....that day has come....... it's a feeling.......when u think about someone and u feel that they're disgusting....maybe in one way..or so many ways.......

It's when your face turns red with rage by even taking a glance at them.... that's when u know that the H word does EXIST!

What a great day......

Yesterday was one of the best daysss ever ...... (opposite)

My sis said that she loves the person I've become ........ (opposite)

My dad said that he is happy that I'm always talking to him about the good things that happen in my life!!! ....... (opposite)

and I lost my debit card.......


more confused than ever......

everybody is tired of me........ and to tell u the truth......i'm tired of me too ...... which is the worst feeling ever :(

(this is what happens when u become strangers with the person that's closest to you = you!)

.

Trying to make sense of this insanity......

Am I crazy?

hmmmmm... i have no idea.....seriously..... i'm just tired of thinking about me! There are just so many personalities inside me that are not supposed to be in one person at the same time but yet, they've somehow managed to find their way through me.......

But u know what? It's fine! That's just who I am and it's kind of fun to be this way.....it has its goods and bads.......just like everything else in life....nothing is perfect....... I know that now....

So yes.... I said it's ok ...AS LONG AS I don't hurt anyone's feelings it's ok......
Has anyone been hurt so far? Yes..... I guess so :( ........ but if they really knew me they wouldn't have beeen..... ageh mano vaghean mishnakhtan harfai ke mizadamo mizashtan be hesabeh divoonegim....

vaay....... yani vaghean daaram migam man divoonam?


.

tanhaa baa to dar fekre to tanhaa mimoonam

tanhaa taa to be eshghe to tanhaa mimoonam

A.M.

5:02 a.m.

I keep waking up in the middle of the night...and just can't go back to sleep......
The thoughts in my head don't let me...........

Ok I admit........ I still can't believe my failure........ how could I do what I did to myself? to my future? I seriously don't know who I am anymore.... I seroiusly can't describe myself anymore...

? : oh ur so nice
me: yes but I can be a bitch sometimes

?: oh ur so dumb
me: yea but I used to be so smart

?: oh ur so insensetive
me: used to be so loving

etc.

so many things have changed........ I don't know if what I used to be is part of my past or can still become my present and future????????

Negaah kon ke gham darooneh dideh am chegooneh ghatre ghatre aab mishavad

Negaah kon tamaameh hastiam kharaab mishavad

Happiness.......

It doesn't start with a smile...
And No..it won't end with a smile........

It's just a feeling deep inside that makes u work harder day and night.....
It'd make u wanna dance around and sometimes even jump up and down.......
It's the feeling that'd make u wanna fly high until u reach the sky......

Trust me...it's a lot deeper than just a smile :)

Yes...don't be jealous but I have actually experienced it ;)

What did u say? U can't imagine me being happy? well...that's just mean! ..... JK......believe it or not I can't imagine it either...

but...... shh...don't tell any one...... it has happened once or twice!

What do you think about this quote?

God will never throw anything at you that you can't handle. Just take it one step at a time....

No wayyy....

yes way......

haven't u noticed?

I'm sure u've watched the TV show called Desperate House Wives right?

Well it's time to cut the act and show some action! (does that make sense? to me it does :D )

We'll see what happens......I've got a target.......just need to find the right place and the right time

I'll let u know about the results in less than a week......

Yek bahaaneyeh taazeh baraayeh aghazeh yek daastaneh jadid :D I'm lookin forward to writing it

UPDATE

This plan was canceled.

June.21 3:00 PM

UPDATE

I didn't wanna tell G but she pushed me so I had no choice but to say it.
She said it's ok they're just "Friends" ... yea right!!

June. 22 7:00 PM

UPDATE

Today I saw G again and told her I was serious...she couldnt believe me.......
I kind of regret sayin it now....... i donnow why!

June.23 8:00 PM

I am so khol!

You might be asking "ehhhhh taazeh fahmidii?"

well.. no...... maybe .....:D ...anywayzzzzzzz

this is a letter I wrote to a model........

To: FarzanAthari@hotmail.com
Subject: :) salaam
Date: Fri, 12 Nov 2004
12:16:00 -0800

salaam khoobi? beh nazareh man you are so hot vaaghean mitoonam begam keh yeki az khoshgeltarin pesar iraaniaayi hasti ke taa beh haal didam az cheshmaat khosham miaad......

too orkut neveshte boodi ke you are so happy with your life...... that's hard to believe because i think every one has some GHAMO GHOSSEH in their lives... and i certainly dont think that a model can have a perfect life because there are just too many fans that are always after them and i personally don't think that you can ever find true love .......you might always think that there might be someone better out there for you because you have so many people to choose from

these are just some assumptions... i've never been a model so i dont know how it feels to be one ;) anywayz take care of yourself and your cute face and try to have fun in the ghorbat @-}----



Subject :
RE: :) salaam


Inbox
Salam..:=) Man khobam merci...=) Shoma khob hastin??? Merci az namaton...=) Bale hamintor migin motasefane dorost....and thats not good....)= Do you have any pics...=) take care...=)

Sh*t

Did u know that......?

Oh wow....

That's just baddd... :-/

N O 1 L ... ( I hope I remember thsese secretive letters that I've made in the future :D )

اي غريبه خوش اومدي به جشن ساده ي تنم....بيا كه من به گريه هام يه رنگ تازه ميزنم

To Mesleh Marzeh Ehsaasi Ghashango Dooro Naa' Ma'loom
Va Man Dar Hasrateh Didaareh Cheshmat Roo Beh Paayanam
To MeslehRaazeh Payizio Man Rangeh Zemestaanam
Chegooneh Del Asirat Shod? Ghasam Beh Shab Nemidaanam

ای توبه ام شکسته از تو کجا گریزم؟
ای در دلم نشسته از تو کجا گریزم؟
ای نور هر دو دیده بیتو چگونه بینم؟
وی گردنم ببسته از تو کجا گریزم؟
تو نه چنانی که منم
من نه چنانم که تویی
تو نه بر آنی که منم
من نه بر آنم که تویی
من همه در حکم توام
تو همه در خون منی
گر مه و خورشید شوم
من کم از آنم که تویی
عذر گناهی که کنون گفت زبانم که تویی

Do Not Try To Impress Anyone :D

In order to succeed in being impressive you have to be you.

Do not try different things to impress the others.............

as a wise man once said ....."tooyeh doost dashtaneh vaagheyi khar kardan/ mokh zadan laazem nist!" ........

I think it's true, don't u?

Sohbat Baa Khod

سکوت از هر طرف جاری هوای خانه تاریک است
میان زندگی با مرگ پل ویرون و باریک است
مرا دریاب پیش از مرگ که مرگم سخت نزدیک است
عبور لحظه های عمر دلیل پیری من نیست
فرار از من که تو هستم مگر در خود شکستن نیست
من غافل به دست خود شکستم هر چه پروردم
ولی در این قمار تلخ به خود بیش از تو بد کردم
به خود گفتم فراموشی پناهم می دهد در خود
فرار از قصه دیروز علاج درد خواهد شد
ولی دیدم فرار از خود فرار از من به آئینه ست
میان زندگی با مرگ پل ویرون و باریک است
فقط یک چهره خستم میان چارچوب قاب
به مرگم یک نفس مانده در این فرصت مرا دریاب

Ayaa Mishenavi
Sedaayeh Labkhandam Raa
Mibini Faryaade geryeh am Raa
Az Khaamooshi por az sedaa shodam
Ayaa mishenavi sedaayam raa?
Az cheshmaneh man sokhan beshno chera ke sedayam ra hichvaght nakhaahi shenid
Dar nahofte haa o nagofte haa chizi aashkaar ast

Ayaa baa cheshmaaneh basteh to mibini aanraa?

I'm Back!

HEHE

Well I was just lost in some other world for a few hours ( about 12 hours!)

While I was lost I actually managed to clean my rooooom...FEKR KON...after 2 monthes of doing nothing about it I FINALLY did it! I am so happy......

Thank you god for letting me be happy for a few hours .....

I donnow if it's a good thing to be dar aalameh haparoot permanently but being there for a few hours is certainly a blessing!

( now that I'm back I feel so :( )

My New Favorite Singer

Looking for some actual good GHERI songs?

Then Sorush's CD is what u should be listening to!

(L)

F word

I once thought of the F word as a very bad thing to say.......but it can be used to calm people down....you can put all your anger into that word and shout it out loud....... it's like medicine....and it worX!

Never thought that it could be used in so many different ways for so many different things :D

What's the point of looking around?

I was thinking....what's the point of looking at beautiful things...(eg. diamonds ;) ) or beautiful people ....(eg. hot guys :D) .... when you know that you will never reach them? what's the point of just looking at them?
just so u can feel sorry for yourself when you realize you can't have them???? is that the reasonnn?

Cheghadr adam raahat too takhayyolaateh khodesh gom mishe
Cheghadr rahat mitooneh nejaat peida koneh.......
Cheghadr keyf mideh vaghti adamo nejaat midan....
va cheghadr heyf ke te'dade in nejaat gharighaa kameh!

چه گويمت ؟ كه تو خود با خبر ز حال مني
چو جان ،‌نهان شده در جسم پر ملال مني
جنين كه مي گذري تلخ بر من ، از سر قهر
گمان برم كه غم انگيز ماه وسال مني
خموش و گوشه نشينم ، مگر نگاه توام
لطيف و دور گريزي ، مگر خيال مني
ز چند و چون شب دوريت چه مي پرسم
سياه چشمي و خود پاسخ سوال مني
چو آرزو به دلم خفته اي هميشه و حيف
كه آرزوي فريبنده ي محال مني
هواي سركشي اي طبع من ،‌مكن ! كه دگر
اسير عشقي و مرغ شكسته بال مني
ازين غمي كه چنين سينه سوز سيمين است
چه گويمت ؟ كه تو خود باخبر ز حال مني
SB

Have you ever wondered why I like Chinese (cheshm baadoomi) people so much?

no?

well I have! and I didn't know the answer (or hadn't bothered to think why) until this morning!

that's right.....

hold ur breathes 'cause I'm gonna tell u something that will shock you!

..............
........
....
........
.............
.......
....

ready????



u sure??

ok

actually it's nothing important! BUT I realized that I feel so confident when I'm around them, guys or girls, specially around the guys! When I talk to them I feel good about myself because I'm not scared or I'm not trying to hide anything (eg. I'm not trying to talk in a way that might be seductive or I'm not worried about the way I look...etc) ...I'm simply just the true me! and that feels good!!!!

now you might be asking yourself, "why the chinese? why not meeee?" (don't be so jealous!!! ;) )

well the answer is very simple; it's because I have never been attracted to them and I don't ever fear that I might end up liking them or them liking me ( for some reason I think they feel the same way about me ...which is a good thing!)

so yea! this was a great discovery! have you ever felt this way too?