Ziyafat haye ashegh ra khosha bakhshesh khosha isar....Khosha peyda shodan dar eshgh, baraye gom shodan Daryaa

Che daryaei miyane mast khosha didare ma dar khab
Che omidi be in sahel khosha faryaad zireh aab

Agar khabam agar bidar agar mastam agar hoshyar
Mara yaaraaye boodan nist to yaari kon mara ey yaar
Na az dooro na az nazdik to az khab amadi ey eshgh
Khosha khod sooziye ashegh mara atash zadi ey eshgh
Khosha eshgho khosha khoone jegar khordan
Khosha mordan khosha az asheghi mordan

WEIRD?!

Yek planeh toop......

hehehe....... I had an evil idea... well not e***... just interesting....and kind of exciting!!!

I was like... ok .. I'm gonna do this... har che pish aayad khosh aayad........

As I was walking back home from the library, I was listening to P's mp3 player......and one of them was this >>>>>

Every now and then when I watch you

I wish that I could tell you that I want you

If I could have the chance to talk wit cha

If I could have the chance to walk wit cha

Then I would stop holding it in

And never have to go through this again

(real love)

and I was like........ OMG.... I'm totallllllllly sending this msg to #4 ........ so I came home .......and started writing this message....... he obvioiusly doesn't know my cell # so he wouldn't know who this is from........ so I spent about an hour writing this + asking him if he's in love with someone else etc. ( yes ...it's really hard to type with my stupid small cellphone that's why it took me an hour to write it!)

but at the end of it I felt sick....... I was like even if he comes and tells me that he wants to go out with me I'd say no!!! I'm forcing him to like me ........etc. and I was also thinking about Mr. V ..... let's say I'm goin out with #4 and somehow somewhere I see him...... I would immediately leave #4 to go and talk 2 Mr. V ...... but this way.....everyone will be hurt......

this was a really good conclusion... because I used to think that I wouldn't care about Mr. V at all if I ever start going out with #4 ........ but when I really pictured the whole thing in my head........ = NO WAY!

it's actually the opposite! if I ever go out with Mr. V ( in my dreams ... hahaha) and somehow somewhere see #4 I wouldn't care........

this is very interesting........ because a few hours ago I didn't think this way at all!

thank you god for making me realize this!

I donnow how I'd feel about #4 when I see him next time.....but I'm sure it wouldn't be the same anymore..............

p.s. I still don't know how I'd feel about Mr. V when I see him in person........ or how he'd feel about me...... because I've had some people tell me their stories about meeting "chatroom people" in real life....and eventhought they'd liked them on the phone... they turned to be different ........ and they laughed at themselves for ever liking one another.......

HATE =

There are two things that I hate in life

1) mysteries
2) uncertainties

yes... I know that Hate is a very strong word but I do absolutely with all my heart hate these... are they both the same thing? maybe ..could be...but whatever.......

it makes me angry, sad, mad, confused.......etc.

I like to deal with things that are real.....

maybe that's why I don't like a lot of people..... because they can not show their true selves.... they always seem to be so fake! so...

What am I doing here?

ey baabaa..velam konin...khastam.......hoseleh kaar kardan nadaashtam... saram dard mikard... oona am goftan eshkaal nadaareh boro khooneh...gonaah ke nakardam!!!!

ok...so here's what I'm thinking......

I have to concentrate on my darses! asslan engar na engar..... hafteyi ye roozam dars nakhoondam!

bi khiaaleh hameh chizeh digeh ....... az nazareh (L) e albateh!

oon chizi ke mikhastam befahmamo fahmidam.......... what else do I need?

fe'lan I have more important things to do!

PROIORITIES......... (L) is certainly not a priority........

: ehhh cheraa nist? to aslan balad nisti chetori ZENDEGI koni....... man mikhaam berammm... let me go!!!

ehhhhh...baaz dobaareh to harf zadi? khoobeh hamin emrooz sob behet goftam BE QUIET haa...... ageh bache khoobi baashi shaayad yeh rooz behet ejaazeh bedam ke be oon chizayi ke mikhay beresi..vali AZIZAM.... aakhe darso mashgho kaar kheyli mohemtareh...to cheraa navafahmi????

: :( ........ I donnow.........we'll see what happens

aaffarin ghorboonet beram...haalaa akhm nakon........man injaa hastam...... taa man hastam negaraaneh hichi nabaash...everything's going to be fine .... I promise!

: ok... haalaa mikhaay chi kaaar koni?

chio chi kar konam?

: kollan digeh...... akhe khodet midooni ke al'aan do nafar hastan.......

montazereh sevvomisham jigar...akhe taa se nashe baazi nashe ;)

:eeeeee.....maskhareh......... in soalam kheyli jeddi bood!

ok baabaa...haalaa chera mizani? I'm just gonna forget about them! yekishoon ke oonvareh donyaasto aslan nemidoonam dar moredesh chi fekr konam... nemikhaam ke khodamo khodeto gool bezanamo too takhayyolaat zendegi konam...... ooniam ke injaast kollan bikhiaalesh misham... az in beh bad too UBC cheshm basteh raa miram! LOL ... na khob.... khodamo control mikonam....chon khodaayish... come on.... what was I thinking? it's too soon for me! hanooz khodamo nemishnaasam...cheraa bayad yeki digaram bad tar az khodam confuse konam?

: khob ... keyf daareh..... khodetam midooni ke cheghadr vaghti (L) khoshhaali!

dobaareh to harf zadi fesgheli ? akhe aslan toro che be in harfaa...man khodam midoonam daram chi kar mikonam ok? harfeh avvalo akhar ineh ke adam NABAAYAD dar takhayyolaat zendegi koneh.... it has to be real.........

: OK ...FINE...ur so boring!

hamineh ke hastam........mikhaay bekhaa nemikhaay nakhaa!

: OKKKKKKKK ...aslan man digeh hichi nemigam

aaffarin...taazeh dari mishi mesleh yeh bacheyeh khoob..........bebakhshid azizam...midoonam ke alaan daari hurt mishio fekr mikoni boodane (L) behtar az naboodaneshe........ vali in kaaraa aakhar aaghebateh khoobi nadaareh...beshin mesleh aadam darseto bekhoon... baghiash khodesh doros mishe........ :)

: nemidoonam valla...khoda koneh hamintor baashe ke to migi...

:) ... boland sho... boland sho boro das soorateto beshoor... yekam aabeh khonak beh sooratet bepaash..... ....... ba'desham beshin in chizayi ke bayad post koni baraayeh loaneto por kono ..... homeworke spanish.... how does that sound to you?

: well...it doesn't sound like much fun! but I guess it's better than doing nothing at all....

khosham miaad ke baahooshi..... ok pas berim in kaaraaro bokonim taa ba'd bebinim chi mishe ok?

: ok let's go........

AIGHT .... bye for now

Man baraayeh az to goftan taa taheh ghesseh kharaabam... Man na baa toam na bi to, mesleh boodaneh saraabam...

Aalameh Haparooooooot!

Taa haalaa shenidin migan taraf dar aalameh haparoot be sar mibare?

Khob man = "TARAF"

I'm trying to make sense out of something that is nothing!

does that make sense? :D

I feel like there is something ( someone?) inside me that is always running away from me.....trying to clung to the first thing (person?) they see...... and they do succeed...... they grab into it and no matter how hard the wind blows they won't let go!!! So the other part of me somehow destroys whatever the other one has been holding on to.....and the other one in the end has no choice but to come back!

Welcome back to my empty life........ I'd promised you that I'd some day make it beautiful didn't I? so STOP running away!!!

: but what if I wanna live my life now? what if I wanna be happy NOW?

Be quiet! And stop crying! You are ruining my plans........

(last night ...... the stupid tears made my eyes shut down ..... so I didn't even do my assignment! I'd planned to go to sleep early and wake up early...... but no matter how hard I tried I couldn't make me open my eyes this morning ( the other part of me was still sleeppppp) ........ but I finally woke up at 7:15 and realized that the assignment is not as easy as I'd thought...... so right now I'm planing to skip my first class so I can finish it! ..... I'm kind of happy because I finally have some time to organize my binders too .. grrrr )

How to forget someone =

It's not that hard........

First you get rid of all their pictures and stop looking at them or anything that reminds you of them......

Secondly you stop talking to them! ( this step is very important!!!)

Third of all you stop talking about them!

Fourth of all you replace them with someone/ something else..... you make your life busier...... something like that.......... talking to friends would definately be great help!

And don't forget to stop thinking about the things that he/she said to you.....

The follwing is a picture of how your brain works... it's all about growing new branches and getting rid of the old ones!

Mitavaani to be man zendegaani bakhshi...yaa begiri az man aanche raa mibakhshi

Ki fekresho mikard ke vojoodeh yeh nafar.......oonaam az raaheh door .......betooneh enghad too roohieyeh aadam asar bezaare?

Vaghti to nisti gom misheh aaftaab
Khaakestar misheh harireh mahtaab
Az raftanet man por misham az shab
Shabeh delhoreh... shabeh ezteraab.......

roohieh ke che arz konam...hameh dahaneshoon vaa mimooneh migan "vaa to cheraa enghadr energetic hasti" .......masalan nesfe shab ahang mizaram miraghsam..sobhe zood az khaab bidaar misham....... va kolli mioftam too moodeh dars khoondan.........

kholaaseh vaghti bahash harf mizanam beh andazeyeh 48 saat...shayad yekam kamtar 40 saat.....ghashang charge e charge am...... yani hamash injoori :D ....... sobho zohro shab.. hattaa too khaab!

VALI........ba'd az 40 saat .....vaghti baahaash harf nemizanam .......barakseh :D misham.. yani :( ...... yaa hattaa :'( ......... aslan kollan khol misham....... a'saab vaasam nemimooneh........

va yek nokteyeh jaaleb in hast ke ziad fargh nadareh cheghad bahash harf bezanam........ (I think) ....... masalan ageh 2 deghe am baasheh... ageh too oon 2 deghe nice baasheh :) ......... vali ageh ba'd az 40 saat bahash harf bezanamo oon bi ahammiati koneh.......... ghashang soghoot mikonam......... it's a weird feeling!

va dar aakhar:

Dear Mr. V..........

Doosteh azizeh man...... ( doost yaa harchi ke hasti???? ) ...........I'm very happy to have u in my life...... hardafeh bahat harf mizanam azat kolli energy migiram........ vali I have nothing to give u in return........ hattaa fekr konam bazi vaghtaa harf zadan ba man bishtar naaraahatet mikoneh taa khoshhaal...... vali mersi az inke tahammol mikonio baazam baahaam harf mizani...... vaghti man khoshhaalam mitoonam beh digaranam komak konamo oonaaro khoshhal konam........ vali savaabesh hameh mireh vaaseh u....... sefaaresh mikonam befrestanet tabagheh haftomeh behesht ;) ........

Ghatreh am ...az to man vali dargireh daryaa shodanam
Dochaareh sehreh eshgheh to... dar haaleh zibaa shodanam

I donnow what else to say???

!!!!! T h a n k Y o u !!!!!

!!!!!!!!!

Have u ever started crying for no reason?

The fact that I can't find a reason makes me wanna cry even harder......

Everything seems 2 b so wrong..... I'm not feeling well...... I have a test in two days........ and an assignment due on Friday......... I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow....... but I don't feel like going to it... but of course I will.......it's 1:45 midnight and I'm not sleepy at all... I'm very stressed out ........ I feel like I have nothing else o do in this life.... I have experienced everything..... I have absolutely no goals........I think I've lost the ability to love..... I can't tell people that I like them ....... It doesn't mean that I don't want to tell 'em or anything... I just don't feel like saying it!

I don even feel like writin' anymore......at least not now.......

BYE

Dooooooood

Does anyone have a cigarette?

I wish I was a big smoker..... I feel like sitting next to the window and smoking a few packs of cigarettes till mornin'

I know that smoking is not good for the body....... but the reason why I don't smoke is mostly because it's expensive..... I don't care about my health!

I've never smoked in my life... but I know if I ever start .......I won't be able to stop!

تنها همين كه شب با آرزوي بودن تو صبح مي شود قانون گرم عشق مرا شكل مي دهد

تو اون شام مهتاب کنارم نشستی
عجب شاخه گل وار به پایم شکستی

قلم زد نگاهت به نقش آفرینی
که صورتگری را نبود این چنینی
پریزاد عشقو مه آسا کشیدی
خدا را به شور تماشا کشیدی

تو دونسته بودی، چه خوش باورم من
شکفتی و گفتی، از عشق پرپرم من
تا گفتم کی هستی، تو گفتی یه بی تاب
تا گفتم دلت کو، تو گفتی که دریاب
قسم خوردی بر ماه ، که عاشقترینی
تو یک جمع عاشق ، تو صادقترینی
همون لحظه ابری رخ ماهو آشفت
به خود گفتم ای وای..... مبادا دروغ گفت

گذشت روزگاری از اون لحظه ناب
که معراج دل بود به درگاه مهتاب
در اون درگه عشق چه محتاج نشستم
تو هر شام مهتاب به پایت شکستم
تو از این شکستن خبرداری یا نه
هنوز شور عشقو به سر داری یا نه

تو دونسته بودی، چه خوش باورم من
شکفتی و گفتی، از عشق پرپرم من
تا گفتم کی هستی، تو گفتی یه بی تاب
تا گفتم دلت کو، تو گفتی که دریاب
قسم خوردی بر ماه ، که عاشقترینی
تو یک جمع عاشق ، تو صادقترینی
همون لحظه ابری رخ ماهو آشفت
به خود گفتم ای وای مبادا دروغ گفت

هنوزم تو شبهات اگه ماهو داری

من اون ماهو دادم به تو یادگاری
هنوزم تو شبهات اگه ماهو داری

من اون ماهو دادم به تو یادگاری

Whatever happened to the pink me?

How sad.......

As I was looking at my closet today I realized that I have nothing that's pink!

People used to call me "A*** Soorati" because everything (75%) of the things I had were pink....... but now..............

!!!!!!!!!

Khodaayaa...aamadam taa bemaanam va begooyam ke toraa...tanaa toraa doost midaaram.........

man beh ghasdeh moondan oomadam....

khodaayaa....tanhaa to raa miparastam va TANHAA az to yaari mikhaaham.......
man ro beh raaheh raast hedaayat kon..........

khodaayaa...keh bood aankeh ta'meh mohabbatat raa cheshid va joz to kasi raa aarezou kard?

فرشتگان از خدا پرسيدن: خدايا تو که بشر رو انقدر دوست داري چرا غم را آفريدي ؟ خدا گفت : غم را به خاطر خودم آفريدم چون اين مخلوقه من تا غمگين نباشه به ياد خالقش نمي افته

azat ma'zerat mikhaam......az taheh ghalbam azat ma'zerat mikhaam........ehsaas mikonam tamaameh moshkelaateh zendegim az paarsaal shoroo shod...vaghti khodkhaahaaneh tasmim gereftam ke roozeh nagiram..........man ro bebakhsh........ mano bebakhsh ke be andaazeyeh yek saal beh to ziaad fekr nakardam..... donbaaleh chizeh digeyi boodam...nemidoonam chi vali hattaa khodamam gom kardeh boodam...... to tanhaa kasi hasti ke shaayad betooneh moshkelaateh mano dark koneh...tarzeh fekre mano dark koneh...va mohemtar az hameh ehsaasaatamo......... aslan nemidoonam dar man hich ehsasi vojood daareh yaa na? baraayeh chi intori hastam? cheraa enghadr ajibo gharibam? nemidoonam...vali to midooni... va man...man raaziam beh rezaayeh to........

khodaayaa azat mamnoonam.........beh khaatereh hameh chi...beh khaatereh emroozo diroozo fardaa........... beh khaatereh daashtaneh hamchin zendegi e .... man dar behesht hastam.... midoonam ke ghadresho nemidoonam va bazi moghe haa naashokri mikonam...vali baavar kon dasteh khodam nist........ hanooz kheyli gijam o nemidoonam/nemitoonam tarzeh fekro ehsaasaatam ro tosif konam........ tanhaa gozashteh zamaan mitooneh paasokhgooyeh javaabeh soaalaayeh man baashe...pas man sabr mikonam...mesleh hamishe sabr mikonam........

mikhaam behet ghol bedam...vali mitarsam ageh yeh rooz zire gholam bezanam tamaameh zendegim viroon beshe..... pas beh jaash baa tamaameh vojoodam SA'Y mikonam keh ensaaneh behtari baasham...... va MOFID ........ ma'naayeh zendegi khordano khaabidano dars khoondan nist.... baayad yeh kaareh behtari anjaam bedam........va midoonam ageh to bekhaay man mitoonam.......pas komakam kon...mesleh hamishe komakam kon.......... ke tanhaa khodet va faghat khodet chaare saazeh tamaameh moshkelaateh mani.......

mersi.... baa tamaameh vojoodam azat motchakeram

doostdaareh to ............

من چه دانستم كه عشق اين رنگ داشت

كـز جـهان بـا جـان من آهنـگ داشـت

دسـتـه ي گــل بــود كــز دورم نـمـود

چــون بـديـدم آتش اندر چنگ داشت

صــبـر بـيـرون تـاخــت در ميــدان دل

در سر آمد ز آنـكه ميـدان تنگ داشت

وآنـكـه نـام عشــق او بر مـن نـشسـت

از وفـا تـا عـهـد صـد فرسـنـگ داشـت

How Weird!

ok so there's this persian guy at work whom I thought I liked!

I'd tell u in a second why I used the past tense "thought" instead of "think"......

I was on the phone with my friend yesterday telling her that there's this guy at work who is kind of cute etc. and I like him etc. ..... so she said don worry...it's just a crush........bluh bluh bluh.....

I was like ..hmmm..maybe.... I donnow......

then.......I saw him at work...... and he asked me if I wanna go study with him in the library and teach him some calculus! (library is the safest place that I like going to with guys ...specially when I donnow them that well! so he had chosen a good place ! ) ..........bemaanad ke he has a gf and I was wondering why he's asked me to do such a thing.... he also asked me where I study on weekdays...and when I said @ UBC he said "well..maybe I can come to UBC" ........ so I was kind of confused and still am!

I donnow why I kind of felt like I don wanna go to the library with him??! is it because I think that I donnow calculus that well? or is it becaues I'm just scared of something else that I donnow about? I feel like I don like him anymore! lol .......

it's always been like this for me..........as soon as I decide to do something and feel like I have done it ....( ex. apply for a job and they call me to come for an interview) I feel too confident about myself and think that I can do better!

but what I seem to not understand is the question of "what is 'better' exactly?"

hmmm... it's just a psychological problem that I have! that's all!

how can I fix it? do I look like a psychologist to u?

: no .....

then why are u askin me?

: I donnow!

Lahzeh ha dar gozarand.....zendegi raa daryaab... va chenaan saazash kon... ke beraghsad be navaayeh dele TO!

i never thought that i'd like to do this....... but ive got no choice......

doost baazi....... key to success...key to happiness.....u should not let ur mind rest for even once second... that's how the sadness finds its way in.......

anywayz..... i've got a new cellphone and I'll be calling a lot of people

we'll see what happens.... i'll let u know .... don worry :)

If I could turn back time...if I could find a way... I would have........

changed a lot of things...........

I've never liked to stop my "friendship" with people..... in other words I don't like to GHAHR...... but for some reason I did..... and it feels sooooooo bad........ I wish I hadn't ........ If I could I would......... ........ ...... ... .. . . . .

:( :( :'(


UPDATE

Sept. 22

I actually solved this problem.........Thanks to my friend who forced me to go talk to "the person" that I was ignoring........I feel a lot better now :) :) :)

wake up call!

After I donnow how long of thinking that I am normal like everyone else, "someone" reminded me that I'm not!

Yes, he told me that I don't look good enough to consider myself as one of them. All I want to do is to be alone, and stay away from "them" .......the people who are closest to me and hurt me the most........

All I want to do is to succeed....... and make money.......lots of money.......to make my dreams come true........

How could I be so stupid to forget about the fact that I'm not like the rest of them and I'll never fit in?

He's right...... no one will ever like me....not like this......so I should stop trying......I should even stop thinking.... How could I be so stupid to forget or not care about my flaws? how?

I'm done.......done with thinking about (L) .......


(12:35 a.m.)

wow ....... I can't believe that I actually cried.......after such long time...... and I got a headache after....... that's my punishment for wasting my tears........but I don't care.....it feels good to cry once in a while.........

I went for a walk after........ the sky looked so beautiful....... I donnow why there's always clouds on top of the big towers on the other side of the water (downtown) but none here? that's what makes the view so...hmm... magical........ I was hypnothised..and had no choice but to walk towards it........ so I went to the water front park....... there were a few couples there.........two of them were dogs playing with eachother...it was so cute...... as I was staring at the sky the sun disappeared and it was getting kind of dark.........so I got on the bus .........went to the bank...deposited my paycheck....... and went to the library after........I had not used the computer for almost 24 hours so it felt really good to be there.......after checking my e-mails I went home...... and my dad was there...... (back from Iran) ........ so I gave him a hug and he told us a lil bit about what he'd done in Iran........ most of them sad stories ........

it's almost 1:00 a.m. I honestly don wanna go to sleep...there's so much on my mind that makes me wanna stay awake all night and think...... I will probably skip my spanish class tomorrow..... I haven't done my homework......so I don wanna go to the class........ u got a problem with that? :D ... but I'll go to my french class in the morning..... I'll do my homework on the bus......

right now I feel kinda sad........I'm not the happy person that I was a few days ago..... I had kind of decided to stop talking to people and do what I did in the first year ....... which was = going to the library by myself, study, and stay away from people..... BUT that wouln't be fair to me ....... I'm strong enough to move on!

Sold my soul to the..........???

why do I have to see him at school now???

You messed with the wrong person........

All I want to do is go to him...... look him in the eyes ......and start crying......Maybe then he will understand what he's done........

I was in love.....I'm not going to lie.......

There might be a thousand things wrong with him......I can honestly say that he's not right for me...... I mean...he is a year younger than me for god's sake!

I was not even attracted to him...you know...I mean I never had any phuysical "fantasies" about him....... his eyes........his voice....... that's all I wanted......... I could stare into those eyes forever........his presence......... his calmness...... I could listen to him forever.....

I do belive that everyone falls in love once...and only once..........

You know what......maybe that's not true.......I donnow what to think anymore....I tell you why I said that it's not true........there's this guy at work...the persian guy........I really like him..........

So ....... I do have the ability to love again? haha.......when I started writing this I thought I didn't ...but now that I think about it.......the guy at work is pretty good too! LOL

anywayz.......we'll see what happens.........

WEIRD

Why? Because it's psychologically wrong!

People are different.....

Things that might make one happy will make someone else sad/mad! So you should change in order to satisfy everyone's wants and desires.....is it a wrong thing to do? I personally don't think so.

Howeverrr, people do get tired of acting "fake" around the others.....

So try to be around the ones that allow you to be YOU!

The answer.........

You have finally been given the permission to feel like you are one of them......

Darkness is gone........the light ...... the light is comming through .......

You decide to look at the sun....... it's so beaituful ......it's so bright....... you find yourself staring at it.....and the next thing u see....is darkness again! You are now blind......and u wonder which one was better? To have experienced seeing the light just for once......... or having stayed forever in the dark?

heyfeh aadam tooyeh saahel raghseh daryaaro nabineh
vaghte gol kardaneh khorshid tooye marze shab beshineh
heyfe baa in hameh cheshmeh az tabeh mordaab goftan
dar be rooyeh noor bastan az shabeh mordaab goftan

Um....

Like seriously..........

I haven't been this happy in suchhhhhhh long time!

Well I was happy today and yesterday.

We'll see about tomorrow.

Thank You godddddddd...vaay vaaghean mersi...thanks for the beauuuuuuuuutiful weather.

I'm at peace with myself!

:)

If i could tear you from the ceiling,
I know the best have tried,
I'd fill your every breath with meaning,
and find a place we both could hide

Don't go and leave me,
and please don't drive me blind,

If I could tear you from the ceiling,
I'd freeze us both in time,
find a brand new way fo seeing..
your eyes forever glued to mine.

I would like to thank me for........

a lot of things!

I can not believe how much i've changed / grown since last year.

Just getting a job itself was a huge change.

Talking to other people, stepping out of the "Safe zone" ...... HUGE improvement.........

Trying to appreciate me and the things I do..........

Taking risks.......doing crazy things like staying home/ at the library for 4 monthes in a row...... getting depressed....... having recovered (almost) from that depression.........

Talking to guys and realizing that they're not as scary as I thought...... maybe not scary at all.........

Taking the bus to downtown.... not being scared of getting lost..... discovering places that I'd not been to......(last year the only places that I could go to was the malls.....but now I even know the name of the streets in downtown!!!)

Learning to love people for who they are, not judging them.....

Being brave.....

This past year has been a year full of experiences ......... maybe it was too much...... but I have learned a lot......... not a lot, A LOTTT ....and I have become a better person ....with a dif POV of the world......

I have allowed me to see the goods and the bads ... there are still some things that I don't/can't understand..... things that are very wrong with this world.... things that should change....... things that I will help to change.......

I will try to make a difference.........

......... the way that I think might seem childish..... but aren't children the most innocent of all? wouldn't world have been a better place if there were more people like me? hahaha.... well...ur probably thinking that I'm very selfish, self centered and........(khodamo ziad tahvil gereftam) .......

but that was the honest truth......

anywayz..... I sometimes think so much about my failures that I forget the accomplishments......... that's why I wrote this here ... to remind myself that it wasn't such a bad year after all..... in the end I did survive.....

and I just found out that tomorrow is the first day of classes!!! so I'd better go put my pencils, binders, calculator etc. in my bag and get ready to go back to school!

I was very scared of going back to school....... but right now I'm very excited! (I hope this mood doesn't change) .....

After having a short conversatin ( maybe 15 minutes in total if we add it up) with my family and co-workers... even strangers lol ..... I have decided to continue with my studies and get my bachelors in Commerce.....

God thank u for helping me make a decision... it was a LONGGG wait.....but I'm finally at peace with myself..... thanks to u and the ones u've sent down here to help me :) .........THANK YOU

No strings attached!

Where is the love?

This is so scary but I'm not going to get scared because ... I donnow but u'll know why in a second........

People usually love the ones who are the closest to them eg. Family

family = sister, mother, father, brother

sister =

1) ah cheghadr moohat modelesh badeh... yaa rangesh kon yaa kootaah khasteh shodam enghad hamishe in shekli didamet......

2) me: omg ... that guy is so cute... maybe I should go give him my number!! ( I was joking of course!)

her: hehe... first u should go fix ur teeth and nose then think about guys!

3) I can't believe how unknowledgable u are... that's just so embarresing... like compared to the other normal people u know nothing!!!

4) nemidoonam cheraa samte raaste sooratet baa chapet fargh daareh... yeh jooraayi uneveneh!

5) cheghadr poostet badeh........ cheraa doctor nemiri ... shayad yeh keremi baashe ke behet komak koneh

6) me: oh I had so much fun dancing!

her: to ke hamash saret paayin bood... ghablanaa khoob miraghsidi what happened?

7) I'm so mad at you ... I don't like the person u've become!

everytime she sees me she does remind me of one of the things above.... but she also gives compliments!

1) kooftet besheh enghad mikhorio chaagh nemishi!

2) PRIVATE ;)

and then in the end she wonders why I don't call her or miss her ........

she's super sensative and probably has no idea that the things she's told me have affected me so much... because she thinks I have no feelings... and I don't ... so..... what am I complaining about?

MOM and DAD

I feel so guilty that I can't help them...... they work so hard to run this family........ they moved all the way to here so we can have better lives....... they left their family and relatives.......and some of them have passed away and many are sick......... they're probably not enjoying their lives because they don't have friends.... sometimes they go out together and I hope they have fun......... I have failed them....... I'm kind of a useless person because I don't do anything at home, and whenever I'm home I stay away from them....... because everytime we talk they ask about what I'm doing with my life.......I have no answer and I know that I'm a dissapointment..... ( this can change can't it?) ........... they are absolutely the most caring, wonderful, loving parents that anyone could ask for

Brother

honestly I love my brother.......if there's any love left in me it's the love that I have for my brother... I care about him... I do sometimes miss him when he is not around......... I do like to go out with my family if he comes........ he's funny and we can cherto pert so much...... we can talk about anything and everything...... he sometimes even asks me if I want to go to the parties that he goes to .......... he even dances with me........ he's not ashamed of me...... when he sees me in the mall (happened once) sitting alone he comes to me with his friends and we talk........ we talk about our problems and I sometimes try to help him....

wow.... when I started writing these I thought that there's no love.... but now I realize that there is a little left! so I can hope for more......

so that's pretty much it..... I thought I like the people that I work with but I've been away from them for about a week and I don't miss any of them! I donnow if that's a good thing or not? I always thought that they're kind of like my second family and I would miss them if I dont see them for a few days ... but seems like I was wrong!

I'm scared because I almost know as a fact that if I go away for a while I won't miss them......... no u know what.........that's not true..... because whenever I go to my friend's house I do want to come back home.... but I donnow if it's because I feel it's an obligation to be around them or .......if I miss them???

I do feel guilty when I'm away from them... because I know they care about me and miss me........ so in order to not feel guilty I come back home......... is that love? I donnow! this is so confusing!

anywayz........

I hope this will change soon........I'm working on it!

I am kind of mad at them because they know nothing about me! but on the other hand it's my own fault because I stay in my room all day and don't usually talk to them....... I'm not mad... I'm jus' like "whatever!" .........

ok... that's enough..... why did I write this here? I donnow...... I had never really written or thought about these stuff much so I thought I should.........

now i'm talking too much! ok i'm gonna go.... BYE

El O VEE EE

hmmmmm...

dirooz vaghti daashtam filmeh before sunset/ after sunset ro negaah mikardam dokhtareh az pesareh porsid "have u ever been in love?" ....... pesareh am goft aareh ..........

ba'd man az khodam porsidam.......daashtam fekr mikardam ageh yeki azam beporseh chi migam..... va javaabesh vahshatnaakeh vali beh in natijeh residam ke migam areh, boodam.....

kheyli maskharas... al'aan ke fekresho mikonam khandam migire.... vali boodam........ baraayeh hamin naaraahatam......... nemidoonam... fekr nakonam digeh betoonam ashegh besham..... lol....... jeddi migam!

vali midoonin cheraa maskharast? because I couldn't picture myself with him...... aslan beh ham nemikhordim az nazareh tippio inaa... ghadesham andaazeh man bood...... vali khob bi tajrobegio hezaar dardeh sar! al'aan ageh biaad begeh ke mikhaad baa ham berim biroon behesh javaabeh manfi midam... yani digeh azash khosham nemiad.... fekr nakonam khosham biaad...

shenidin migan "yaademaan baashad agar khaateremaan tanhaa maand talabeh eshgh zeh har bi saro paayi nakonim"........albateh oon adameh khoobi bood.... man fekr mikardam yeh joor digeh baasheh... vali khob oontori nabood va nashod........

al'aan ke baa Mr. V harf mizanam beh khodam shak kardam......... vaaghean nemidoonam cheraa natoonestam aasheghesh besham? engaar kheyli aasoontareh ke aadam too royaahaash khodesho aashegh koneh taa dar haghighat! in bashar az har nazarrrrr ke begi aalieh...yani bishtar az 80% perfecteh.... vali man.... maneh bi zogh............ maneh bi ehsaasssss.........

nemidoonam vaallaa......... haalaa bebinim chi pish miaad..fe'lan mikham beram naahaar bokhoram chon kheyli goshnameh...........

BYE

What am I gonna do with all these clothes?

As I look around my room, all I see is clothes, paper, and books!

So how am I gonna clean this room?

What is the point of having these many shirts, pants, scarves, jackets, jewleries etc.???!

I remember when I baught them and why I baught them.

Anywayz.....the plan is to put them all away and somehow sell them on e-bay or something. I have 2 pairs of pants that I use... and having to choose between all these shirts that I have is just way too confusing. So.......... I'm just going to pick a few of them that I like the most and put the rest of them away for a while and see what happens....... can I live without them? I'm sure I can!

Is this a good plan? is my room going to get cleaned? I certainly hope so!

But...... serioiusly .........one thing that I can not understand and is not related at all to what I said above is why I didn't cry?

I'm having a really hard time understanding it .... he has passed away..... am I not supposed to cry? If not why was everyone else crying? and why didn't I get sad to see them cry? what has happened to my tears?

I kind of don't understand why they should be sad to hear someone who lived so farrr away from them ( whom they talked to once or twice a month) should have such a big impact on them and their lives?

I remember last year, when I got hired at the place I work at now, all of a sudden, I was so emotional and sensative that I could not understand? All I wanted to do was stay at home and hug my mom and be next to her....... I was scared... scared of the real world which I had lived so far away from before I get that job....I was happy to have a home that I could come back to ... I was happy to have a family who understands me......... those people were so different......

Anyways.....a few days ago I saw them cry... they were all so sad ...... and me... I almost even smiled......I donnow why! and I can't understand why....have I turned into a "follower" from the "dark side"? I don't think so......... I mean I'm sure I have not......I think to me death is a happy thing.....we should celebrate it....... specially if it's someone who was not happy with his/her life......

I'm just weird....or unique.....but more weird than unique!

Warning:

Stay as far away from me as possible because I think I do have the ability to hurt you .........not intentionally........but my feelings, emotions, thoughts are all so mixed up together that ......... in other words I'm just f*cked up.........and taa ettelaaeh saanavi az man doori konid.

Baa tashakkor........

ME :)

Mesleh Hichkas........

Ghaasedak.........

Yaadesh bekheyr.........

Vaghti bache boodam yaadameh yeki az joojeh haayi ke too taabestoon gerefteh boodim baraayeh avvalin baar namordo tabdil shod beh yek khoroos..yeh khorooseh khoshgeli ke paraash mesleh pareh taavoos too nooreh aaftaab miderakhshid.........rangaayeh paresh sabzo naarenjio ghahvayieh kheyli khoshrang bood........ esmesho gozashteh boodam ghooghooli.......baa inke aslan yaadam nemiad chejoor bozorgesh kardamo baraa che moddati daashtamesh yaadam miaad ke joojeyeh man bood......

In ghooghoolieh man kheyli sheytoon bood....too baalaa poshteboom negahesh midashtim o hardafeh hamsaayeh haa miraftan baalaa (makhsoosan khaanoomayi ke bi jooraab miraftan) beh paashoon mipparido kholaaseh hamishe baahaamoon beh khaatereh in kolli davaa mikardan........yeh kaareh baahaaleh dige ke mikard paridan too hayaateh hamsaayamoon bood....maa too yeh aapaartemaaneh 6 tabagheh zendegi mikardim vali nemidoonam in khooroos chetori az oon baalaa miparid miraft khooneyeh hamsaayamoon? hanoozam vaasam yeh soaal moondeh...akhe pare parvaaz ke nadaasht!

Kholaaseh.........baa ham zendegieh khoobo khoshio dashtim taa yeh rooz .... hamintor ke mano baraadaram daashtim baahaash baazi mikardim sareh negah daashtanesh da'vaamoon shodo in bichareh oon vasat too daste dotamoon gir kardo beh baraadaram nok zad..........vaghti baabaam in harfo shenido did ke taneh baradaram zakhm shodeh tasmim gereft ke hamoon fardash oono az khoonamoon bebareh o...... befroosheh.. :( ...........

khodaa midooneh ke cheghad geryeh kardam........ hichvaght too omram oonghad narahat naboodam........ aakheeh khoorooseh man bood...ghooghoolieh man bood.. :( ......... yaaadameh maamaanam behem gofteh bood ke baa ghaasedak mitoonam vaasash payaam befrestam.........manam hamisheh vaghti yeh ghaasedak mididam zood migereftamesh too dastam, cheshaamo mibastamo migoftam, "ey ghaasedakeh koochooloo salaameh mano be ghooghooli beresoon" .......... ba'desham footesh mikardam taa bereh.....

hanoozam har vaght ghaasedak mibinam yaadeh oon mogheh mioftamo khandam migireh.....tooyeh aalameh bachegi cheghadr saadeh boodam!