CHILAXED MODE

The difference between you and me is the fact that I know that I'm different from you and you think that we're the same! Don't make me become someone I'm not! No matter how different you think I am I like being this way and I don't think I'll be changing MY WAY any time soon!

I feel like I need some alone time........ and I've got that.......... I feel calm and peaceful...........even though a lot of things around me seem to be super chaotic I'm fine since I choose to be fine (indifferent)

Ensaan mojoodeh ajibist.......

تنها با گلها
گویم غمها را
چه کسی داند ز غم هستی چه به دل دارم
به چه کس گویم شده روز من چو شب تارم
نه کسی آید نه کسی خواند ز نگاهم هرگز راز من
بشنو امشب غم پنهانم
که سخنها گوید ساز من
تو ندانی تنها
همه شب باگلها
سخن دل را میگویم من
چو نسیمی آرام
که وزد بر بستان
همه گلها را میبویم من
تنها با گله

Emshab haaleh maraa to nemidaani
Az cheshmam ghameh del to nemikhaani

wow
I think I met the love of my life today
LOL
So much for "I want to stay single forever" eh?
Well, I couldn't help it! He's so charming.........he's smart .... good looking......... annnnnd a social person! What a combination......... we might as well say that he's perfect!

ey baabaa........

yeh del migeh nasho aasheghe kas
yeh del migeh mimiram bi nafas
yeh del migeh beramo ye delam mige khoo kon be ghafas

yeh del migeh pore rango riaast
yeh del migeh ineh royaaye maast
yeh del migeh begamo ye delam migeh farda bebaar

yeh del migeh poraz eshgham hanooz
yeh del migeh ke besaazo besooz
sar kon bi fooroogh
roo kon beh dooroogh
in omreh do rooz

I have a better argument.......

What about those people that get married...... havve kids etc......... and decide to work in another country and send their money overseas to the wife so she can pay for the children....... should one choose that path in order for the soul to become complete (be takamol berese!)? Or should one work in that other country, spend all the money for himself....... and maybe help some people along the way..........

I need an answer......
i'm gonna get 4 hours of sleep again........ 8/48 .......... not a good thing at alllllll!

It's not u..............it's me

"I'm not good enough for you" ... that was the joke of the day!!! lol ..........fekr kon...... migeh i'm not good enough for u........

trying to find myself again........ i truely want to grow up alone....... watch me grow up alone........ i dont want a relationship.........

considering that i've been a "normal" person for about 7 months now i'm kinda proud of myself.... i feel like i've developed a lot of friendships with a lot of people..... i definately can't call myself alone anymore........ i have the stren gth to make new friendships without feeling consicous about how i look!

there is only one question that remains in my head............is it wrong to be friends with all kinds of people.......... like the kind of uncool and geeky people.......... divorced people....... people that think they are cool but nobody really likes them............

u know what i'm mad....... these people that think they are cool should really give themselves a reality check! like seriously........... they are not capable of making any friendships caz they think they are too good for anyone! who do they think they are? they keep criticizing me but the fact is that i'm not even one bit jealous of them..... becauz i don't consider them people that have succeeded in life as a person..........even though they are successfull people that are independent and bluh bluh bluh they have serious problems caz they have very high standards ........... and the funny thing is that they think that you should give everyone a chance........... "oh why don't u go out with him? u'r gonna stay alone forever with this kinda thinking.......so what if he's short, younger, etc...... u have to give him a chance...... u have to experience something....... you have to start from somewhere........don't think that the cool guys are gonna come after you........ they'll get scared if u tell them u have no experience"

u know what? F that! seriously ....... i dont care about what those guys think........ maybe it's over for me.......... maybe i won't ever find anyone........ but so what? people go through more horrible things than being alone! why do i have to have a relationship in order to be considered normal? what's the point of getting married, having kids, having fights with ur husband...... getting mad that u got fat after having a kid........ being stressed about not being a good enough mom........ having sleepless nights..... crying over the fact that u think ur husband is not interested in u anymore....... all of that.......is that what i really want in life?

is it really that bad to stay alone..... get a place of my own......... help those around me......financially and emotionally........ and then just die....... is this way of living really that bad? do i have to go through the marriage, kid, depression, divorced in order to become "complete"?

i'm tired of getting criticized about being alone............ really really tired of it......... i know that they think i'm gonna wake up one day regretting why i didnt use my "youth" to have fun......... and i'm scared too.......... i'm scared of that happening...... but i like being different....... i wanna write a story about it some day....... the girl that grew old without ever being loved.... never been kissed........ all that........

i know it's gonna scare people away......... i mean it's gonna scare guys away.... so i choose to be alone! and since ive never had any experience i dont think it will make me that sad ......... caz i dont have anything to compare my loneliness with..........

All i can say is that i'm a more accomplished and social "loner" than i was a year ago.... and i'm proud of that :D

New chapter

Aadamo beh yeh pointi miresoonan ke aadam haalesh az tarafo situationo khodesh beh ham mikhoreh......... like seriously ........... I feel like throwing up!

this is probably the letter that I will probably never send to A

Dear A,

Faghat mikhaastam azat tashakkor konam keh mesleh KHEYLI az pesaraayeh digeh alaki mano lead on nakardi...... adam kheyli raahat tar mitooneh kasio ke behesh dar moredeh ehsasatesh harf nazadeh kenaar bezaareh o faraamoosh koneh ........va az inkeh khodaa toro sareh raaheh man gozaasht kheyli khoshhalam chon behem komak kard ke yeh nafaro ke ghesmati az gozashteye man bood kaamelan kenaar bezaaram........ harki beh yeh dalili too zendegieh adam miaad inam dalileh ashnaieh man ba to bood......... omidvaram hamisheh movaffagh baashi

......................................

and that's why I feel like throwing up.......... like wtf........ I write this and I feel like I should send it to him caz I'm weird like that........ I want people to know about the good things that they do in this world so they will continue doing it..... I like to encourage them....... but at the same time I want to still just wait and see what happens........ and for that I dislike myself...... I dislike myself for waiting for something that's probably not gonna happen ....... so maybe I should put a closure to this...... I do feel like I'm in the gray area again...... I need to be in the black or white area not the gray!! so maybe I will msg him and talk to him about this whole thing ....... maybe i will say something like this

salaam ......... khoobi? mersi ke aslan in weekend zang nazadi.....I hope u had a nice weekend and I hope u enjoy the rest of this week ...... good night

there........ i sent it

he said he just wants to be friends....... it's not u ....... it's me.........voila!

back to the title of this post

so far I've beeen trying to run 2-3 times a week....... I hope to increase that in the future...... and I have to make some other positive changes in my life which I can't really talk about right now caz I'm kinda thinking of what he said etc.

So I will probably make another post in the next few days with the same title

And then........

Hm.... I guess the title makes this post sound more exciting than it actually is........ and since i dont want to waste ur time I should warn u that it's actually not interesting at all!

So I've told u that I'm 100% content w being single and wanna be single 4 ever etc.

When I went out with P and M last night M told me that my "new guy" has added her on FB and they chated for a few minutes talking about B's party on saturday night and why he missed it etc........ the main point is that he's added one of my friends and started a convo with them!

So the fact that he did that made me start thinking about him again...... and P and M dialed his number so i had to talk to him....... and P told me to ask him "key ba ham biroon berim" (when shoud we go out...... and he said ummmm well we can go on friday night or saturday to the movies w my friends........ and i was like sure ok sounds good....... but when i told P she's like wth........ why with his friends? and I was like.... hmmm ....she's right......... so i sent him a msg at night telling him that i'm actually busy on friday night caz it's a "girlz night out" w my friends......... which is true......... and we're going to M's party on saturday night and he should come ........ + i have to spend some family time on sat or sunday and i'll let him know when i'm free

i was excited about checking my msgs today......... but he hasnt replied............ i know what i said wasnt right.......... i mean i told him friday or sat is ok........ (but i actually just talkked to my mom and she said she's home on sat......... so i sent him a msg on FB again (Even though he hasnt replied to my last msg) saying that i'm only free on sunday.......... ) ......... so if he thinks i'm stupid for telling him that i can meet him on one of those two days and then cancelled by msging him on fb a few hours after......... if he thinks i'm stupid then be it!

I don't have time for any life drammas ......... i have enough of them......... so whatever

and no i'm not sad or mad or upset......... just wanted to share with u the news and let u know that I'm indifferent about what happens :)

1000th post

Gozasht aan zamaaneh aasheghi............ inam khaastam az too profile am bar daram chon digeh be hich onvaan be del nemishineh.....vali chon ghashangeh mikhaam injaa benevisamesh

عشق میفرمایدم مستغنی از دیدار باش

چند گه با یار بودی، چند گه بی یار باش

شوق میگوید که آسان نیست بی او زیستن

صبر میگوید که باکی نیست گو دشوار باش

وصل خواری بر دهد ای طایر بستان پرست

گلستان خواهی قفس، مستغنی از گلزار باش

وصل اگر اینست و ذوقش این که من دریافتم

گر ز حرمانت بسوزد هجر منت دار باش

صبر خواهم کرد اما از غم نادیدنش

من چو خواهم مرد گو از حسرت دیدار باش

هرگز نمیرد آنكه دلش زنده شد به عشق.......ثبت است در جریده عالم دوام ما

I'm not gonna give u the details of our conversations but they were short and not based on any particular subjects....... just random comments and things that were related to the things that happened on the days we talked......

Now I'm 90 percent sure that he's just not that into me..... and basically I'm not excited about someone that can't be excited about me at the beginning of a "friendhip"! It's that simple

At the beginning I was like..... ok ...... he's a nice guy...... maybe it's just not his style to pursue someone ......... maybe he's not looking for something but if I can show him how great I am he might change his mind and come after me.......... but the truth is that I'm not that great....... or if I am my "greatness" needs to be discovered caz as a capricorn I have a low self esteem and need people to constantly remind me that I'm good and normal..... but if he's the type of guy that needs to be shown his directions then I definately think that I'm not the one for him.... I need to go out with someone who knows who he is / what he wants = a mature guy

Never the less the whole experience was awsome......and I can not emphasize enough on how happy I am that he came into my life ...... he made me realize that I'm not interested in people of my past......

Maybe the down side of his presence was the fact that I also realized that I'm not interested in people of my future! I've decided that I'm completely content with being single and alone......... and you have no idea how wonderful it is to finally be at peace!

:)

شكست نیاز

آتشی بود و فسرد
رشته ای بود و گسست
دل چو از بند تو رست
جام جادوئی اندوه شكست


آمدم تا بتو آویزم
لیك دیدم كه تو آن شاخه بی برگی
لیك دیدم كه تو به چهره امیدم
خنده مرگی


وه چه شیرینست
بر سر گور تو ای عشق نیازآلود
پای كوبیدن
وه چه شیرینست
از تو ای بوسه سوزنده مرگ آور
چشم پوشیدن


وه چه شیرینست
از تو بگسستن و با غیر تو پیوستن
در بروی غم دل بستن
كه بهشت اینجاست
بخدا سایه ابر و لب كشت اینجاست



تو همان به كه نیندیشی
بمن و درد روانسوزم
كه من از درد نیاسایم
كه من از شعله نیفروزم

Happy Birthday!!!

First of all, let me start by saying F this life......... :D

Excuse my language but I just really felt like saying that.... just becaz the life at home sucks......the life at work sucks.......and the life with my dreamy thoughts about a relationship sucks!! over all, I have nothing positive to say other than the fact that I'm thankful for my life caz it's as normal as one's life can possibly be.... well minus the fact that I've never been in a relationship everything else is normal ...... or even above normal! So what am I complaining about? The usual, the emptiness

Yes, I had fun with the guy that I met at that Yalda party..... yes it was a good excitement and change in my life...... yes he was (is) here for a reason... but believe it or not I'm ready to let go of him..... yes he came to my birthday..... yes he called the day after to thank me for everything....... but so what? is that really what love is all about? Yes I like him...... yes I think he's sweet... yes I'm happy about the fact that he's not pushy (caz if he was I would get scared and run away) ..... yes I'm happy about the fact that he doesn't look desperate and doesn't call me every minute (caz otherwise I would get annoyed and run away) ..... so "what is the problem" you may ask..... and my answer is "I donnow" .........

The truth is that all I need in my life right now is some excitement and to tell you the truth this "love fling" is not doing it for me.....

I know the problem....... I'm not that experienced in relationships/starting relationships........ so I definately can't take charge in taking the two of us to places..... and it seems like he can't do that either....... and him calling me everyday to see how my day went/ how i am doing doesnt do it for me.....i guess since I am interested in him if he pursued me a bit more it probably wouldnt have made me wanna run away since I like him and I like being with him....

Anyways, at this point, as i said before, I'm ready to let him go and look forward to other things such as working on improving my french and spanish, working out, taking dance lessons and these sort of things :)

Empty is how i feel!

I think the anticipation for an event to happen is better than the event itself....

That's what I realized today.........for a while now I'd been looking forward to my BD party becaz HE was coming....... but now that the day arrived and the partys over the only thing that remains with me is the question of weather or not he likes me..... hmmm.....

I was gonna HMMM and think about it all night but then I decided not to caz it's not worth it........ so we'll see what happens ....... I can't be someone that I'm not .......

Life is gr8

Despite the fact that I just heard a conversation that has probably marked the beginning of a storm........and despite the fact that it's been raining like crazy and will be raining for probably the next few weeks....... I have managed to contain some peace inside me....... I have convinced myself to be OK with a lot of things and I really am OK with everything...... nothing upsets me....... is that good or bad?

I just read somewhere a quote that said something about your happiness being equal to the quality of your thoughts...... don't ask me what I've thought..... but whatever it was it's turned me into feeling the way I do now.......

Maybe just maybe it's because of my new experience that has lead me into almost completely letting go of the "VJ" idea..... and I think even if he doesnt call me or come to my birthday I will still appreciate his short time presence in my life...... some people come into your life for a reason and then leave......... and maybe he was meant to come for that reason and not a season or a life time.......

So over all I'm :) unless the many worries that I have suddenly kick in...... but they haven't yet .........so that's why I can truely say that I'm :) ...... (Can your happiness be somehow related to your depression..... caz I see some symptoms ....... which are confusing...... but anyways...... I g2g ..... Ciao!)

Happy like an eagle on top of a tall tree......

It's funny how the mere presence of someone in your life can give you so much confidence......

When ur single ur constantly looking around trying to find a potential mate...... but as soon as u find someone the whole world dissappears ....

It's funny isn't it?

Looking forward to friday :P ....... probably ...... not a good deed but it has to be done.......

+ I finally figured out what I wanna wear to my birthday party! YAY :D

@ Peace.....for now........

24 years........ that's a lot of years that've passed by don't you think?

1) He called me on Sunday night..... apparently he's coming to my birthday party on sunday night........ believe it or not I'm so at peace with myself that I'm gonna be 100% ok if he doesnt come........ i'm gonna be ok if he doesn't call......... I've been dissapointed once ...... I don't think it's possible to be dissapointed and heart broken twice..... my sister said it's possible but I don't think so.....

2) I've kinda blocked my thoughts and haven't let them think about anything family related.......... if I were to actually sit down and deeply think about it I might cry a river........so the best way to deal with it is to entirely avoid it!

3) Capricorns ~ maa ze baalaayimo baalaa miravim
As a capricorn I have to constantly grow and climb up the mountains ...... that's the only way I can survive....... I have been on a steady road for the past few monthes......and even though it's been nice, I don't want to be stock in this forever...... I have to think about a way to release myself........

4) 3 more weeks........ that's all I have to finish my interest letter if I wanna apply......... I want to apply ...... I have to apply....... I will try

24 years and.............

..............

Stronger heart.....

After crying yesterday I felt so much better ..... I was still sad but not as sad as I was before........... then P called me and I told her about how he hasnt msged me........ and she asked me to call him......... she said I shouldnt make any assumptions caz I donnow him that well ........... and she said he wouldve never asked you out if he wasnt interested........ maybe he just doesnt know how to make the next move etc......... so I told her FINE even though he hasnt called me for 3 days I'll give him a call.......... after hanging up I thought about it and realized that my heart was at peace with the whole situation hence I shouldnt start a new fire ........ I just invited him on FB to my birthday next week........ and I was happy with the decision I'd made.......

Then I went to pick up my mom and bro from West van...... on our way back we went to Tim Hortons and I told my brother about the whole thing...... and he said maybe u should message him and tell him something that doesnt require a response........ so I thought about it and send him a msg saying something about the weather + happy new year..........

And he msged me back about an hour after saying Happy new year...... 4 minutes later another msg saying "I'll call you when I get back from my trip"

The truth is that my heart is at peace........ regardless of what happens next I'm happy..... believe it or not I am...... which is really weird caz I thought this would last for a while ....... but it didn't ......... so THANK YOU GOD :*

Truely sad :(

Nea year's resolution: DO NOT GO TO ANY PERSIAN PARTIES THIS YEAR......... I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THIS MIND GAMES......... AND THESE FALSE HOPES......... THIS IS REALLY REALLY SAD......... IT'S OK IF GOD/THE UNIVERSE DOESNT WANT ME TO BE WITH SOMEONE .... I WON'T TRY ANYMORE.........YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW IT FEELS TO FINALLY GET EXCITED ABOUT SOMETHING AND THEN HAVE THE OTHER PERSON NOT EVEN CALL ...... IF I'M REALLY THAT BAD OF A COMPANY TO A PERSON THAT I'M THAT INTERESTED IN I DON'T WANT ANYTHING WITH ANYONE EVERRRR

La'nat be deleh man ke yaa aashegh nemishe yaa vaghti misheh faghat az kasaayi khoshesh miaad ke baraash intori kelaas mizaarano delesho mishkanan.......

WATCH ME GROW OLD ALONE........ I DON'T WANT ANYONE TO CRITICIZE ME FOR NOT EVER HAVING BEEN IN A RELATIONSHIP......... IF ANYONE HAS A PROBLEM WITH IT I DO NOT WANT THEM IN MY LIFE........... I DON'T WANT ANYONE TELLING ME THAT I'M GETTING OLD AND I SHOULD BE IN A RELATIONSHIP.......... I'M TOO OLD FOR THAT......... I MEAN IT'S TOO LATE FOR ME TO START ........ AND THAT'S OK.......... I WANT TO BE ALONE FOREVER.......

THAT'S MY NEW FOCUS IN LIFE.......... TO BE HAPPY WITH BEING ALONE......... YES HAVING SOMEONE IS NICE.....YES IT FEELS SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO GOOD TO LOVE SOMEONE ......... IT'S GOOD TO HAVE A SMILE ON UR FACE ALL DAY FOR NO REASON........ THESE ARE ALL GOOD...........

But if it leads to an ending where I feel like a nothing because someone that I liked so much decided to dump me after going out once I'd rather not start anything at all.......... u really don't know how sad it is........ because u're not almost 24 + never experienced being in love with someone real ....... and when u finally do they don't like u back.......... it hurts ..............it really really hurts

Bezaar tanhaa baasham tanhaa bemiram
Digeh az dardo gham aaroom begiram
Beram peida konam yeh jaayeh khalvat
Beshinam ashk berizam taa ghiaamat

Boro ey del bekhaab keh vaghte khaabeh
Salaameh to hamisheh bi javaabeh
Beh to bi dasto paa az man nasihat
Ageh aashegh beshi khoonat kharaabeh

Chera ey del to inghad sar be ziri
Beh daameh ino oon har dam asiri
Cheraa khordi farib baa yek eshaareh
Sahar shodo hanooz cheshmaat bidaareh

Stuffed up and disconnected from the world!

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

DAARAM DIVOONEH MISHAM

this is gonna be the worst weekend of my life!

This is too sad...... I'm not sure if I can handle it :(

I WANT THIS TO HAPPEN

I WANT HIM TO CALL ME

Broken heart.......

Badtarin noeh shekastaneh ghalb vaghtieh ke sedaayeh khoord shodanesho mishnavi!

Roozeh dovvomam taghriban tamoom shodo zang nazad......... zang nazadanesh kheyli mohem nist....... delhoreyeh inke zang mizaneh ya na aadamo divooneh mikoneh o be marzeh jonoon mikesheh....... ageh 100 darsad motmaen boodam zang nemizaneh vaz'am kheyli behtar az in harfa bood.......vali alaan do delam........ bara hamin baayad taa monday sabr konam bebinam chi misheh....... avvalin baari nist ke in hesso daaram na ....... vali chon tajrobasho dashtam dalil bar in nist ke endafeh raahat tareh!

VA IN NIZ BOGZARAD

New Year's Midnight Thoughts.......

1) The rule of attraction: I wish it was easy to be indifferent about people no matter who they are....... why should someone appear to be so special when they are still a stranger to you? It's the looks, the voice, the persona that makes up the whole package ...... but why fall for the package without giving yourself time to adjust and rethink it? I guess it's got to do with psychology and the brain....... but still ...... it sucks

Translation: why hasn't he called/ msged after last night?

a) It's part of the game...... wait 48 hours before you call
b) He's simply not interested and I will never hear of him again!

Cool........ but if he really truely liked me I didn't have to wait to hear from him... so maybe that's the difference between the guys that attract me and the guys that are interested in me

The current plan is to start forgetting about him (even though at the back of my mind I'm still hoping that he would call)

2) New Year's Resolution:

Make life more exciting by

a) Exercising
b) Taking piano lessons
c) Taking dancing lessons (somehting latino)

3) Is the whole drama/dillema really worth all your energy? In other words, is the excitement you get from meeting someone so fabulous worth the frustration and anxiety that you get after each time you talk to them?

I really truely don't think it is! Like seriously ........ a few days of excitement and happiness is not worth the drama that comes after!!! So may this be the last "situation" I put myself into.........

4) The relationships around me are all sad...... including inside the family and out

a) Super nice girl with two beautiful girls ..........why did her husband leave her? or why did she leave her husband? u look at someone and think they're perfect but then u realize they're divorced!
b) The stories I hear from co-workers
c) A couple that seemed to be happily married are having problems now.....they're only 23-4 .... so i really hope they get together so ..... there should be hope

THERE'S ALWAYS HOPE.............ALWAYS!!!