Am I a human being?

If I am, where are all the emotions?

I know that I don't have much of the emotion called "anger" and not much of the one called "happy" nor the one called "love".

I'm scared for myself. Maybe not because sometimes I do have some feelings so it's not like I have no feelings at all. But like honestly I have been hanging out with V H and he's been soooooooooo kind to me like superrrrr nice. But............ I feel nothing for him. Sometimes I put up walls that are so hard to destroy and get through. I can honestly say that I have absoloutely 0 feelings towards this guy. If I sleep tonight and wake up the next day he will not be part of my thoughts. That's how insignificant he is. Which is really scary, because he's been so nice. I don't know. Maybe there's something wrong with me..... or maybe not.........

But I just want to say that I respect all my feelings and I do like the choices I make and how strong I stand by them. I just hope that he forgives me. God plz make him forgive and forget me. I don't get pleasure out of hurting people. I don't like seeing people sad. I don't want to be the cause of someone's sadness. I hope he can easily forget me..........God forgive me for being likeable to this guy..... I did not want to mislead him....... I was only trying to discover new feelings... but unfortunately that didn't happen

wow

today was the day........ I started jumping up and down........ but just because I thought that I owe it to myself to have that image of :) when I heard about my acceptance into the UNI...... don't get me wrong...... I WAS happy...... just a :) happy....... now I have some hope........

the highlight of my day was when Mr. V called me..........

akhey jigareh maneh...... sedaasho doos daram....... harf zadanesho doos daram.... khodesho doos daram......... hameh chisho doos daram......... LOL

akhe shoma ha nemidoonin........ when someone is always :| or :) be zoor like me........ the existance of someone in this world who can bring HAPPINESS with its true meaning to you is a bless and it's not something that can/should be ignored....... love it and embrace it and thank god for it..........

Be patient......

Vaay khodaayeh man........digeh taaghat nadaram....... vaghean dobareh ......... aslan halam khoob nist..... too ye donyayeh digeh seir mikonam....... khodaya chi kar konam....... jooneh man......... jooneh man bezar ghabool sham........ zendegim...... man mikham zendegi konam......... plz......don't take it away from me

i know i live in a land full of opportunities.......I KNOW THAT...... but what I want is this and only this...... this is what I had in my mind..... plz...... make this my future.... make this what I should be and what I should do ..... nemidoonam chejoori vali man faghat ino mikham..... plz......

I don't know what to do other than this.......... please......show me the right path.... I WANT TO LIVE........... I WANT TO LIVVVVVE

A+

I was an A+ student......but never had a social life........

now it's exactly the same situation with my love life...... I have kept me safe from so many things .......sooooooooooooooooooooooooo many things........ that have made me feel different from everyone else.....

i know what I mean...... I can not seperate one from the other........ time to dig innnnnn

Who am I?

What an interesting topic!

So if I were to answer this question......I would need a psychologist to help me..... because everytime I think about my characteristics.......most of them are 50/50........I can be so calm and cool....... the next minute just loud and annoying...... and then back to normal (whatever that is!)

and I think that I've always been afraid of this..... you know.....because people see me...... and they think ok so she's like..... and a minute later I change..... and I know how people don't like change and uncertainties because I certainly don't.... so they're like ok....maybe I don't want to deal with this person because I do like her when she's calm and nice.....but boy can she get on your nerves!

I'm afraid that people won't accept me.......

so tonight....... I have this long talk with my friend...... you know the friend that last year at this time was the person that I hated? .....I'm talking about her and even the thought of it makes me nervous...... because again...... I ACCEPTED HER...... when she came back I acted like nothing ever happened...... I always do that...... people can rarely......I mean really rarely make me mad and see the affects of it........ I forgive and forget....but I do it too much....... again this has it's own +'s and -'s but who knows which one is better?

the other thing that I don't like about myself is my honestly....... like sometimes its too much! I say whatever's on my mind...... a good example of this is when I went out with a guy last year for the first time ......at the end of it I told him "hey you are a really nice guy etc.... but you know I was just trying to experience something new.....didn't have that much intention.......I prefer being alone.......I don't have many friends.....so just please do me a favor and f*** off" LOL......of course I didn't say the last part...... I actually winked at him and said "we'll chat later"...... I'm sure you can see how this is good/bad...... it's good to be honest but honestly like everything else should have its limits......

I'm not a very happy person...... I have issues with myself...... there are a lot of things ......lots of good personalities...... my innocence........my honestly...... my friendliness...... my sensativity........ these are all the things that I absoloutely love and adore about myself.......but this world......this crazy world........this wild wild violant world....... I'm just like a mouse stuck between cats.......I have dressed up as a cat but they can see that I'm small......therefore different..... so who is out there that does not adore me? people do........ one by one they do..... guys do...... at least that's what I think...... but I am someone with absoloutely 0 experience .......well maybe I have improve to 10% but certainly not more..... and in order to become capable of doing the many things that I want to do I have to become comfortable with people..... yes if u want to start a relationship ...... with "the one" ...... oh how I wish I'd already met the one...... :( :(

tears are starting to run down my eyes.....

if I had just met the one...... then things would be so different.....I could see the improvement in me when I was IN LOVE......... stupid love ......

it was always in my head my starting point...... I always thought if I find "the one" he would teach me this and that...... and that ......and this........

you know....... I always wanted to be this kid who someone adored ......who someone PERFECT adored ..... who gave me all his heart and all his experience...... so I could move on ...... together with him.......

hahaha......I probably sound like a 16 year old ...... but I'm in no way different when it comes to fantasizing and wanting love....... because I've never had it......or I've never completely had it......

so this was my plan since I was like 12 ...... hahaha.......and this was supposed to be my first step into this world...... so I never had the chance to take the second step of moving on and meeting people in the society because I missed my first step...

and I think it's time to put an end to it......... my friend says that I should have some SIASAT..... and when you have that you are not being 100% honest......and I never wanted to be anything less than that........ just because I ADORE ME THE WAY I AM...... but that's not what this world is made of......

I live in Canada ....... a safe country.....with a lot of freedom.....but almost everywhere else in this world.....in the real world........even at some parts here.....people are in war........there are soldiers sacrificing their lives..... there are people killing eachother...... some dying out of hunger........ some with no bed to sleep in........and I don't think it's fair that I have all this comfort provided for me...... my world is my home........ I didn't want to see anything else..... I wanted peace and love...... and I was willing to do anything for that..... but you know what........ the person that I could end up being the one DOES live in this world........ he has seen all the goods and the bads.....and he was like me........ we'd probably not end up together........there would be no attraction..... so as much as I love the sensativity, innocence, and honesty, I know that I have to give some of it up in trade for an experience in this world.......

I no longer want to be in a relationship just for the sake of being in a relationship...... I want to experience something new ........ whatever! I want to take some of the dirt and ugliness that's out there in the real life and rub it on myself.......maybe then I will wake up from my beauty sleep and see that love and love and LOVE is not what this world is all about........

the big thing that scares me is that I know if I start going out with someone he's not going to be "the one"....... because I'm not qualified to be with "the one" .... and I'm scared of breaking my heart......I'm scared of breaking someone's heart..... because that has never been the plan......NEVER

khodaayaa tanhaa to ra miparastam va tanha az to yaari mikhaaham.....

maraa be raahe rast hedayat kon.......

maraa be raahe rast hedaayat kon.......

GOD SHOW ME THE RIGHT WAY........

Fresh off the boat!

I mean come onnnn.......

So many things....so many different personalities.....have all been trapped into this one person........who turns out to be me.......

I have seen many things.......many rights and wrongs...... tried to not see things as being wrong......accept people the way they are....

I have tried not to judge them.......I thought that I was like this untill one day I thought about it....... I reallly sat down and thought about it.... I have an opinion about everything...... most of them probably childish...... but they are my opinions and god knows how much I like to just disagree with people ....... just for the fun of it..... and then I realized...... by not judging them I have tried to accept everyone which is a good thing..... but on the other hand I have pushed them away.... I have accepted them but at the same time thought to myself that if I don't like this and that about them I'll just you know...... stay away......

and people have started to like me for being ok with them..... I rarely get into an arguement with someone telling them that there's something wrong with them or I don't like them....... I always "seem" to like them.... I "seem" to accept them..... and it just happens so automatically that I have like turned into this person who is ok with everything.....and it has its +'s and -'s......

I'm going to end this here and start another "post" to talk about ME

Love smart! The Characteristics of HIM

hahaha.......that's the name of the book that I'm reading now.......certainly doesn't mean that I'm desperate.......no that's not what it means ok? I'm just trying to find out more about relationships and stuff :)

ps. P was here today and yesterday.......and last week at the same time...... and we went out and had .....well kind of fun.......yea it wasn't so bad...... better than sitting at home and getting bored.......

I would tell you more about love smart....... i'm going to put down the characteristics of him here......but sense my parents are home now and they don't want me to be sitting here (since my room doesn't have a door I don't want them to come by and see me writing these things) so i'll just right it at some other time..... like tomorrow :) ......so don worry.......u won't have to wait too long :D

this would be a better way to waste my time than chatting with some strangers everyday....... isn't it ? I think it certainly is

And my life will go on and on.......

And after 21 years of being unhappy I finally decided to put an end to this sorrow and sadness!

That's right! I have gotten braces...... on the 12th of this month ..... a tuesday...... eventhought at the moment i thought of it of the ugliest thing ever..... the end...... I'll look forward to the end ....... and i know that if I die tomorrow I won't regret not having done this.... it has changed my appearence probably ...... but I seem not to care that much...... for there are not much people that i know ..... I think and hope to be a beautiful person and a more confident person in the end...... I'm sure I will be ...... I give two years of my life.... I'm not thinking of getting a bf anymore...... I mean why think about the impossible? I'm not saying that I look like a monster or anything..... but I dont look very attractive to be honest...... and I will live with it for another 2 years..... wow.....

my life is going to be so boring for the next two years...... like honestly...... this past year was the most exciting of all........ I mean with me dating and everything...... and falling in love........ wow.......it was an amazing feeling...... absoloutly AMAZING..... to be in love ..... he will always be the perfect one for me..... the one that I imagine as my love when I read love stories .... the one that gives a meaning to love..... he will be THE ONE until I find someone else........

now all I need to do is accept the fact that I'm not attractive at all anymore.... for another two years ;)

god..... you know that I can't live without my dream.......so please..... give me the one thing that I've been asking for for so long..... and I will be on my way...... I want it so bad..... help me get it....... do not challenge me anymore..... please........ I've fallen hard once..... and I have managed to get up and try again...... with your help of course and the strength that YOU gave me! I want nothing else for now........ you know how small my world is and how this thing that I want is almost all there is to my LIFE....... please....... help me live..... give me what I want..... I don't want to be lost again..... PLEASE