Love on a two way street...

I like him...... I like him a lot.... there's definitely something there.... I can't explain what it is exactly.... all I know is that we have something in common.... he understands me.... he is so many things that I never thought that I would find in one person.... but I'm scared...

In my mind he's perfect and in my mind I'm not good enough.... he intimidates me... sometimes I feel like he's lying to himself.... maybe he was excited about me at the beginning because of all the things that I seemed to be..... maybe it was all a mask.... once you really get to know me I'm not as great as you once may have thought.... or so I think... his whole family / relatives are educated..... but mine are not.... I mean my family is... but not my relatives... not at all!

Sometimes I want to stop.... I want to stop it all..... not because of me.... but because I'm not what he wants at all... he even tells me that sometimes.... he tells me that I'm not who he thought I was at the beginning.... and my final marks were important to him but eventhough I was in the library almost 24/7 I ended up with just ok marks... which is not good enough... everything I say to him makes him upset.... and he hasn't said anything nice in a long time to make me believe that he still wants this... that he still wants me....

sometimes he talks about how he thinks I'm sexy..... but that's not good enough... that doesn't give me a reason to believe that I'm good for him... I'm so confused.... and there is nothing I can do.....

I'm trying to make a better version of me.... god knows I'm trying..... maybe I'm not trying hard enough....

I don't want to wake up someday regretting this whole thing...regretting trying to match his picture perfect image that he has in his head but always failing..... it shouldn't be this hard....

Yes, love is a two way street... no I haven't done much to prove that.... it's just in my heart... but I have told him many times that I care about him... he used to tell me..... but hasn't in a long time...

I have to make up my mind..... I have to decide if I want to believe I am good enough for him..... or that he is good enough for me....

Sometimes it's not about someone being better/or worse than the other....people are different and they like different things... sometimes it's just about being as good of a mach as possible to the other person... with no regrets...

Goodnight!

Heloooooo

Wow can't believe I haven't written anything here since Oct 15th!!!


I sometimes have my doubts..... I have so many different feelings for this guy.... I really really really like him because of who he is and his past and his beliefs...... on the other hand sometimes he does things that piss me off so much that I wonder why we even try! Almost everytime that we are together we get into an argument.....something silly.......he always likes to think that he's right.... and he's mad at the whole world usually and has something negative to say about everyone around him..... these are things that Idon't like..... even when he's with me..... he makes me feel bad about myself....... just bcz he likes to test me on everything.....and to be honest I'm not the most knowledgable person in the world and maybe even what I know is less than the average...... I recognize this and know that I need to change it.... and just because I think I someday will I think I should be ok with all his criticisms until I change......

Right now I'm mad at him.... haven't seen him in 4 days...... well 2 days actually but the other one doesnt count because I only saw him for 5 minutes.......anyways..... and then I sent him a txt saying "why don't u come to see me" ..... he said "ziaadit mishe!" which means something like "I have already done so much, don want to right now" in a sarcastic way.... anyways....... it's one of those moments when I need to sit down and figure out why the he** he's even going out with me? I think he's nice and everything and he's afraid of going after girls because he doesnt like the feeling of getting rejected..... but who does right? So..... I dont know..... will update u later.....