Free your mind!

EW first of all I would like to apologize for letting the number of my postings be a triple 5+1.....ew ew ew........ astaghforellaah....allaa homa salle alaa mohammad va aaleh mohammad..... aoozo bellaahe mena shaytaaneh rajim...besmellaahe rahmaaneh rahim.,,,,,,

anyway.....now let's talk about my fantasies......

what would I do in a perfect world?

this is so exciting because I never really pay any attention to my inner desires.....I try to concentrate on reality and what I have now......

but since I'm up in the mood for it let's just put it all on our little table and analyze it a bit if possible.......

so in my perfect world.......believe it or not I would have like the wildest life..... eventhough I don't seem to be that way at all right now.... just because of who I am and who I try to be.... which is suitable in this current world......

in my world I would maybe like to be a show girl...well I hope that doesn't have a bad meaning because I dont want it to be a bad thing.... If I had the perfect figure and the perfect face I would be dancing on a stage like crazy......and no not a lap dance or anything like that...... like in a group...where people wear costumes........ and just dance for the fun of it! you have no idea how much energy is trapped inside me ....and if I looked perfect I might have become one of those......but don't forget the main point...... IN THE PERFECT WORLD that is....like right now I know that my parents would not be ok with that ...and neither will I ...... but if it was up to me that's what I would do.... and maybe even sing a little.....lol .... eventhough I don't have a very nice voice......but I wouldn't want that to change in my perfect world.........

and I would like to have had a lot of friends....who I dance with on the stage.......who are not all sad with a bunch of problems....

u know what.......all above was inspired by the movie CONNIE AND CLARA........ it was just so much fun to watch ........

and don't ask me if I really wanted that to be my job for the rest of my life....because in my perfect world I would be careless....if I were to concentrate on the moment and not care about the future that's what I would have done! wow.......so much fun..........

now I have to go back to my studies...... and do my stupid spanish homework..........grrrrrrrrrrrr....BYE FOR NOW xoxo

Meditation is not the way to go....at least not for me

I don't know if I've written about this here before or not.....but I went to a meditation class ....... and enjoyed it very much...... so it's a way to relax u etc.

let me tell u what situation I'm in right now ........and u tell me how much meditation can help someone like me!

There are some problems that are beyond anyone's ability to get solve. When you are lonely in your heart and soul and have discovered that you don't have the ability to like people for one reason or the other, when we talk about the problem of epression, not because of the lack of intelligence, or not even so much appearance. When you have problems with the ones you love the most. When you are hurt by the ones who tell u they love you the most. When those people think that you are heartless and tell you things that hurt your mind and soul, when you live around these people everyday and when you wake up in the morning knowing that your loved ones think so little of you " oh ur ugly, oh ur stupid, oh u have no style" how can you find the strength to get oout of the bed knowing that there is not a single soul out there who loves you. I mean truely loves you despite al the things you have and don't have.

This is my problem. I do not have the strength to go on. But believe me I'm trying to ignore all that. Failure is not an option for me. This will be my second failure and if I do fail I will not survive. Do I understand that? I'm not sure I do. I sleep a significant amount of time in the day and ignore the fact that I need to, no I MUST go on!

I can think about the love that I don't have all I want. But at the end of the day I'd have added another problem on top of everything else and I don't think that will make me feel any better would it?? I DONT THINK SO!

SO PLEASE GOD HELP ME GO ON

The only people that are truely happy are the ones who are in love!

There are some things that can not be explained. They can be put into words but you will not understand it until u feel it. You have to experience it to believe it.

Maybe this is not worth writing about but I thought I should give it a try. I will try to explain as much as possible. But I can not make u understand or believe it.

You can seem happy, you can laugh, and you can have fun, but the feeling you have when you are in love is nothing comparable to anything else that u have felt.

Maybe I was lucky enough to be fooled into loving some people in my life that were maybe not worth loving. But those days, the days that I was in what I thought was love were the happiest days of my life. Maybe they were also the sadest, in a sense that the X's absence created a kind of madness in me that I had not experience before.

Now I know that it's hard to forget about the one that I loved. Maybe it's because it's really extremely hard for me to find someone that I'm attracted to and capable of loving.

I would like to make a confession, but I'm afraid of puting my thoughts into words and I hope I'd never have to explain it to anyone eventhough I desperately want to. There are some thoughts that come and go through my head but I have not had the courage yet to put them together to make sense of it. It's in a way very nasty and so far away from the beautiful world that I have created for myself that I'm afraid if I open the doors it will come in and turn the day into an infinite darkness.

So I shall stop here and hope that what seems to be the ugly truth inside me is nothing but a negative way to express all that has and has not happened to me or for me in this short period of life that I have had.

I would like to end this hear and wish myself luck 'cause I need it. :D

adios