Less than 36 hours before the surgery

As I'm sitting here trying not to think about what's gonna happen, I feel my heart race and the stupid beat of pulse under my eye really annoys me...........

I love my mom.......... I love my dad ............ with my whole heart............. completely...........love them to death..............also my sister............my brother ............ my nience .............and my brother in law.......... I love my parents the most cause they've done so much for me .........and the fact that I dont always seemto be greatful kinda sucks but I do appreciate it.......... the love I have for them sometimes brings tears to my eyes cause they're both true angels living on earth ........ and the amount of unlimited love and kindness that they have sometimes leaves me speechless........... I don't know if they know how greatful I am for having experienced living with them ............ I'm a lucky person.......... they see the good in people ............. I see the good in people and that's a talent that a lot of people don't have..........

MY PARENTS >>> I LOVE THEM TO DEATH

If I were to delete all the people that mean nothing to me from FB I'll probably only keep 10/200 people that I have on there....... there are some people that are my friends but whom I really don't care about (which is really sad) but the truth is that if I don't see them again I won't be upset........ but I can't really delete them and let them know that caz I'm trying my best to be normal like everyone else........ even if I might not be I'm still trying........and that's all that counts

I think I've trained myself not to care............and I've done a good damn job ......... heartless / empty .........that's how I feel...........that's who I am

Going down my list these are the people I would keep

A.N = My brother
A.N = My best guy friend who is the greatest friend one could ask for. I might even love him more than my best girl friend
AAS= My supervisor......... I've learned so much from her
AZ = My classmate from college.........she's such a nice girl........ I really enjoy talking to her......... she's one of a kind...........so unique and down to earth
A.N = My sister
BY = Asian co-worker......so sweet ...... I love her
FAS = My manager! My supervisor's sister........ so nice and adorable
HZ = Brother in law
HH = My best guy's friend ..... my friend......... a truely nice guy
LE = Co-worker from BR = such a nice girl.........she taught me so much.........she was so cool
MK = A nice girl from laser tag night.......... even though I've only talked to her 2-3 times she seems really nice
MN = My sister's friend ........ my friend........ she loves me and I love her
MW = Nice girl from work
MT = Well...... he's the guy that I dated for about two weeks...... he's nice.........I have nothing against him.........and he's such a nice guy
PN = My best girl friend
PB = Cool guy
PT = Nice guy from BR
RW = The girl I worked with during summer
VJ = Maybe ....... undecisive...... maybe not

10% of the people I have now

Be a man........ do the right thing.....

lol

I was thinking that I dont like vulnureability (not sure how to spell the word)

Like I think its possible that I find a guy who likes me........ but when someone likes u they cant play/ act all tough.... which is a turn off! Why is life so complicated? Or why am I so complicateD?!!!

I'm officially in love!

Not........

But ........... oMG............... I saw this guy tonight that was like sooooooooooooooo cute!!!! Like so badly cute................ like soooooooo something that I would like cute

His sister had "Hijab" .......... and he was there with his sister and brother

And I just fell in love with him........ he was so AAGHAA........ but looked sheytoon at the same time

I wish I had the courage to go up to him and say something...... but that's sooo something against our culture.........and I know it's a big turn off to tell someone that u like them etc

But i'm sad........ i'm in love and there's not a darn thing that I could do about it :( :(

Khodaayaa ........... tanhaa toraa miparastam va tanha az to yaari mikhaaham............. maraa be raaheh raast hedaayat farma........... harchi ghesmatam baasheh...........love u <3

I love me!

I did something really cool the other night that made me think to myself "hmm..... I'm not that nice/innocent" .... I was very proud of myself... I mean I know that I'm not that nice or innocent....... but the way I behave most of the time makes others think that I'm an innocent little angel .........

So on Friday night, when we were at the persian party, we decided to take a break from dancing and sit down.......... after about a minute the girl sitting next to us (me and him) told him that someone else was sitting here before us and they'll be back from the bathroom shortly......... he got up......... and I was like what happened? why are u leaving? and he said well we're taking someone's space .....they'll be back soon!

I looked at him and told him to come and sit down....... then the girl looked at me and explained again the "situation" ........and I was like "I'm sorry but I don't think you can reserve these sits ........ they're for whoever that wants to sit down" .........and then she gave me a dirty look and shut up :D

La problema de ser bonita

It's not easy to be beautiful!

Once you're considered a beautiful person you get more attention from guys (and girls) and it could be a challenge to stay nice and sincere to all the people because they might think (the guys) that you are interested in all of them...... and u might wake up one day realizing that there all a bunch of guys knocking on ur door asking u out....... which will feed your ego....... and might discourage you from saying YES to any of them since you'll think that there might be another person with better qualities that will knock at your door in the near future......... and this might create such a deep confusion and frustration that will make one either end up choosing the wrong guy or, even worse, go out with guys who never truely appreciate them just because they're beautiful which makes them self concious about themselves thinking that they're not good enough for her and that she might someday leave them..... so they use her and leave her without giving her a chance to fall in love........ and that's the sad truth!

The point of this post was to just waste time ........ since I'm still sick in bed and have nothing better to do........

Ciao for now

I finally said it..........

I told him that we're not right for each other and we should go our seperate ways ......... that was last night............ after dancing with him in a party and realizing that I have absoloutely no feelings for him ....... I was even interested in some other guys that were around .... 1-2 guys

Anyways....... I'm sick now......... like actually sick........ I've got a cold and can't use any kind of drugs to help myself feel better caz I have my nose surgery in less than 2 weeks and they've said that I shouldnt even have any vitamins from 2 weeks prior to the surgery.. which is sad...........being sick really sucks..........

I'm not surprised that I got sick........... I hadn't slept well for a few nights and everytime I do that I get sick


BTW today was persian's new year......... my new year resolution is to never stay up for too long and get enough rest so I won't ever get sick

Life sucks!

"How could you kiss him for half an hour if you have no feelings for him?" my friend asked

And my answer was....... i donnow........ i like him.......... i mean maybe the only reason why I kissed him was because I'll have no regrets since I'm not in love with him........... meaning that I could leave him any time without feeling guillty ........ and this sucks

I have no feelings for him........ I want to tell him that we should stop seeing each other for 1 weeks so I can figure out my feelings.........caz right now I have none

But I noticed something....... before he decided to kiss me I liked him a lot more........... caz I had told him that I need my space......... and I thought he understood that...........and by kissing him I'm just sending him wrong signals.........and I dont want to do that

so yea........... I really really dont want to see him for 1 week............and I really hope that he accepts that

Salaam bahaaneyeh ghashangeh man baraaye zendegi, are manam..hamoon divooneye hamishegi

Goftam baraat naameh bedam yeh vaght nagi che bi vafaast
Ino khodam khoob midoonam javaabeh naameh baa khodaast


گاه
برای ساختن
باید ویران کرد
گاه
برای داشتن
باید گذشت
و گاه
در اوج تمنا
باید نخواست

Como agua para chocolate

"...Within our bodies each of us has the elements needed to produce phosphorus (a required element if a match is to produce a flame). And let me tell you something I've never told a soul. My grandmother had a very interesting theory; she said that each of us is born with a box of matches inside us but we can't strike them all by ourselves - as with matches, we need oxygen and a candle to help.

In this case, the oxygen, for example, would come from the breath of the person you love; the candle could be any kind of food, music, caress, word or sound that engenders the explosion that lights one of the matches. For a moment we are dazzled by an intense emotion. A pleasant warmth grows within us, fading slowly as time goes by until a new explosion comes along to revive it.

Each person has to discover what will set off those explosions in order to live, since the combustion that occurs when one of them is ignited is what nourishes the soul. That fire, in short, is its food.... See More

If one doesn't find out in time what will set off these explosions, the box of matches dampens, and not a single match will ever be lighted. If that happens, the soul flees from the body and goes to wander among the deepest shades, trying in vain to find food to nourish itself, unaware that only the body it left behind, cold and defenseless, is capable of providing the food."


I think my box of matches have dampen and my soul has fled from my body and is wondering among the deepest shades, trying in vain to find food to nourish itself!

Khodaa biaamorzatam!

Can't make something a dream

As a person who has never wanted a relationship
As someone who has never imagined a future with a guy
As someone who has never imagined having a kid
I give myself the right to not want someone in my life right now who is probably going to want all of that
And I refuse to make all those a dream when they haven't been my dream any time before

My heart has been broken...........I've forgotten how it feels to feel......... but there have been incidences where I have felt something.......... and I'd rather wait for those incidences to happen again..........I'd rather fall in love with someone and want to be with them so much than to accept someone who is perfect but I don't love!

I've almost made up my mind..........we can be friends......... but nothing more.............

That is almost my final decision

I need to write some more here.....

When I think about not talking to him, I finally feel at peace...... I really don't think I want this.....

I''ve always said that I'm not looking for a husband........ I've always said that I want to stay single.......... at the same time I've always been attracted to certain people.......... but again at the same time I've always been scared of going out with those people caz most of them were not right for me........... most of them were'nt even interested in me

I think the way my heart has turned to be, it's not accepting of anyone ......... maybe this is a chance for me to appreciate my alone time........

I'm the one that had signed up for all these websites where u go to find "the one"............ I'm the one that signed in on those websites 100 times a day to see if there's anyone interested and interesting.........

Am I crazy?

I don't want to spend time with him and then leave him with more memories........... I'll be fine but I'm not sure if he'll be fine

I'm very inexperienced in this....... very very very inexperienced............. I don't know what I should think or how I should think or what I want or what I should want........... I don't know any of these answers

All I do know at this moment is that I have absoloutely no feelings for him whatsoever ....... so it will be 100% easy for me to not talk to him at all ............ the question is: should I?

Dreams Shattered.......

I can't believe that my friend said that........

She said I'm getting old........ and it's too late for me too experience ........ I should appreciate what I have........... the "cool" people that I might be interested in won't like me caz I'm not experienced therefore not cool enough to attract them...........and if I don't gain experience by going out with people that I like less I will never get what I want

I'm not even confused anymore....... I dont have any thoughts in my head.......... maybe its becaz its 2 am and i should go to sleep

no more love
never
really?
That's just too sad to believe..............

Unfaithful

"Why are you marrying him?"
"'Caz he's a great man."

These were the two lines from this movie that I was watching today........ the woman was having an affair with another guy and when the guy asked her why she's marrying someone else she said because he's a good man.........

Is being good enough? Is being perfect enough?

While thinking about making a list of what I want in a man the first thing that I'm deciding that I want is for me to love him more than he loves me ........ I mean I think that's what I want......... what's the point in being loved when you can't love the person in return? No matter how wonderful the guy is

He has a friend ......... did I tell you about his friend? Did I tell you how much I enjoyed my time with them because of his friend not because of him?

His friend is possibly interested in my best friend........and that makes me sick

The thought of his friend looking at another girl / wanting another girl makes me sick

At the same time, I can't even ask myself to consider going out with him........ it's too complicated since he's interested in my friend........

Why can't I want what I have now? "My guy" is perfect too! Why can't I like him?

Caz he likes me so much?

Is it because of my parents? The relationship between my mom and dad....... how much my dad loves my mom............ the reason why my mom married my dad (I think it was mostly because my dad was smart and very goal oriented ...... and kinda good looking too ;) ....... but what about love?) .............

>>> When ur in love....... u do anything....... u do all the crazy things that you can't explain<<<<

That's what I want......... I don't want to force myself to like him no matter how wonderful he is! I want to be able to want to write poems for him......and if I can't write him one read 100 poems until I find one that matches my feelings for him........

That's what's important isn't it?

I'm so confused!

WOOHOO

Went out with him today......... we drank beer....... nachos .......

Finally kissed! I'm so stupiiiiiiiid..........why would I do that? On the first date!!!! Even the experienced people don't do that right?

First kiss finallly happened........... can't say it was a big deal........ it was nice........ but I'm unsure about my feelings........ even though I really like him there's something missing and I can't quiet put my finger on it........ it's probably passion ....... I don't know........ he's not someone that I have a crush on...... he's just someone that's so right for me.........

Flaws:

1) From the beginning he said he's tired
2) He did not walk me all the way down to the sky train!!!
3) He asked me to msg him once I get home, and I did...... no response ........he's probably sleep.......... I mean wtf? lol........

I'll be fine if we stop talking tomorrow........I'm mad at him for #3 specially....... if u like someone and are excited about someone won't u be sleepless and worried until they get home? and wouldnt u wait for the skytrain to leave before u say goodbye? WTF??

That's it.........I've had enough....... it was fun though...............

THANK YOU :)

Don't hate me

I msged him at around 9 30 and he called me.......... and we talked........about his work in Iran etc........ then I added him on Y! ........and he told me that he liked me from the first time he saw me.......

I spent a few hours with my sister yesterday.........she didn't ask me much about him......even though I started talking to her about friday night a bit........ she didn't seem interested........and then I told her that I want to get a car for the summer ........and she said ok ..........

I wish I could make her happier.........

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This is for everyone:

Don't hate me because of who I am.......... I didn't do anything wrong........

Don't hate me because I'm skinny........ don't hate me cause I look better than you....... don't hate me because I have a degree.........don't hate me because I live in Canada.......and don't hate me because I'm single and free!

Happy as a rabit :D

Did u notice my spelling mistakes on the last post? I cant even understand some parts of it! It's funny........ I kept falling sleep as I was typing it .........

I just wanted to update you again on my situation since I'm sure u're dying to know all the details step by step ..... lol .......

I went to my bro's place today....... did I tell u he moved out? Well he did at the beginning of this month so it's just me and my parents now! Which is kinda nice .......... and at around 4 HE called me but I didnt pick up (this time i really didnt hear it) .........and then msged him saying that I'm at my bro's and can't talk .......... then we went to my sis ........... and just came back an hour ago......... called him 15 min ago.......... he said he's going to some chick's party but this time he's not gonna drink caz he can't sleep well at night when he does........ and i said ..... yea try not to.... and then he said we should go for coffee on monday........+ I'll call u tomorrow..........and I said ok ...... have fun tonight ....... bye

So that's where we are now........ I can't describe how I feel about him..... I'm kinda excited about him........ but I can't say that I miss him every minute and think about him every minute........ I'm just taking it very easy......... I think my thought process is something like this:

1) He's tall, he is 4 shoulders (4 shoonas) (fit)

2) He's a nice guy...... he likes me

3) He's well educated and comes from a good family

4) He's not too flirty ...... which is a good thing..... makes me not run away

5) I'm not sure if my level of education, my family would be acceptable to him (farther down the road ...... not hearing the wedding bells yet lol)

It's interesting how I feel about him........ I think there's a lot of potential for growth........ I guess I can say that the foundation is there........ I'm not in love with him or anything which is such a good thing caz it means that if he leaves sometime in the near future I won't be hurt........

Or maybe my feelings for him are not there yet because I find that we are very different family wise and educational wise ...... so I do not ever want to even consider getting dumped by someone who I KNEW was not at my level to begin with........

Taa bebinim che mishavad...

THE WALLS ARE VERY UP HIGH....... LETS SEE IF HE CHOOSES TO BREAK THEM DOWN

I'm a very logical person....... I only start having feelings for those that I consider being at my level......... I'm not like those crazy people that go after some people that are wayyy cooler than them....... I'm very proud of me for being so smart and confident and logical even though I've never been in a relationship! :)

Shaing tonight with you while I'm still drunk.......

I'm about to fall sleep but I'm gonna write this here so I'll know exaclty how I felt after coming back home after seeing the boys

What do u call someone that you like so much caz he makes you laugh and is good looking and has a nice voice but u know u dont want him as a boyfriend?

This giy's friend is re firends sop ally cute and cool but I think that he's not my type

Anyways ....... the point is that they asked a few questions after we supposidly got drunk........questions like have u ever wanted to kiss a guy even when u had a bf alreasdy or have u wanted to have sx with a guy ..... things like that ............. and I answered NO .......... and they were like " the way u ansewr these questions make u sound like you are virgin mary" ........ which I am........and it definately did not sound like a compliment .........they were like "we wonder why u even drank the beer".............. and they made me pay for the "pitch" of beer that they were supposedly wanted to pay for.......... i mean they shared the cost.........which is fine............. but I'm just upset about how they made fun of me ........and thought that I was lying to them......

Anyways............ I had fun............... it was a good experience........... but it made me feel bad about who i am...........

I honestly cant say that I'm into HIM......... he's a nice guy..........educated...........polite............. all the good things that I like.............. but I just did nt kinda like how he made me feel......

good night

tomorrow will eb a new day :)

heeeheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee :D

Even though I'm very sad, tired, and depressed and was gonna tell you that I would like to choose the song "pooste shir" to be sang in my funeral if I die some time in the future at young age, I'm gonna share some good, excitiiiiiiiiiiiiing (kinda) news with you :D

p.s. pooste shir is a song that I was listening to on my i pod today and I was like awwwwwwwwww...... cute......... the best way to use it and enjoy it is if I were to die etc.

Ghalbeh to ghalbeh parandeh
Poostet ammaa poosteh shireh
ZENDOONEH TANO RAHAA KON
EY PARANDE PAR BEGIR

Anyhow, as for the exciting news.......... he called meeeeeeeeeeee :D ......... u know the guy that I told u I'd consider going out with if he asked me out caz he's acceptable? he called 15 min ago but of course I didnt pick up caz 1) I'm an idiot 2) I was nervous 3) didn't know what to tell him!! like wtf :D but he left me a voice message saying "just wanted to see how ur doing" ................awwwwwwwwwwwwwwww............. so I'm still not sure if I'm gonna call him back or message him or ......... omg i donnowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww :( :(

I have to figure something out soooooooooon

If u get one shot ........ one opportunity..........would u take it? or would u let it slip by? (Eminem >> love this songgggggggg!)

OK OK

I need to stop talking and start thinking!!!!

P.S.

I don't know if u were following The Bachelor this season ......... but there were 2 girls in the end..... 1 named Tinley (I think that's how u spell it) and the other one Vienna

And I'm so thankful that I'm more like Vienna thatn Tinley

Tinley is perfect...........she's beautiful.........she's nice......... she's polite.....she's cute......... but there's something missing in her.........she can't be playful............ that's the only thing missing in her.........she's too nice......... that might have been why her x-husband left her..........

I'm not perfect........ I have a little bit of everything...... u can see my smile...... but you can also see my anger........and sometimes my sadness....... you can see me whine......... you can see me serious ..... but you can also see me crazy.......... I'm a combination of everything..........and I thank god for that............. I thank god that I'm so happy with my personality that I'm almost never jealous of anyone........ If I don't know something I admit to you....... yes I have a Bachelor in Commerce....... but no I'm not even close to being a knowledgable person...........that's not something that I'm proud of......... but I think there are more important things in life than knowing who the president of US is, why there's a recession, who scored higher in a hockey game, why there's day and night.... etc!

Maybe I'm just lying to myself........ but I've made myself stay at peace with all those things caz if I weren't I would not be able to live 1 more day on this planet! I've decided to be ok with the fact that I'm different...... I thank god that I'm smart even though I'm not knowledgable

that's it for tonight

I'm out

PEACE

Thank you god

Be4 I forget......

I've met someone that I approve of! Weehee...........how exciting is that?

I'm thinking that he might be interested in me...... I mean I have a feeling that he's interested in me that's why I'm willing to consider him as a future BF ....... LOL ........we'll see what happens.......

Cheers,

Lil' Princess :)

My one wish

I was thinking ......... just a few minutes ago...........and I realized that maybe if I had a happier family I could have a happier life........ so that's my wish .......... if I were given a magic flower and I could make 1 wish that would come true that would be it!

I've realized with every single decision I want to make in life, from going out with friends, to having a relationship, to moving away .........everything depends on my family........ my parents, my brother, my sister and her family