Conclusion

I'm not willing to deal with people that are unpredictable....... no matter how nice they are and how good I feel when I talk to them......

When not talking to them makes me feel x100 worse than the great feeling I had at the time that I did talk to them, when I put it on a balance it doesnt balance out therefore I think I'll be safe to say that I'm out!

Seriously, ever since I stopped talking to him I felt like I'd lost everything..... I felt so lost.......
And now that he's back I'm just happy that we talked because it would have been weird for me to think that I will never talk to him again
But I know that I will never initiate anything ever again. I will never be the one calling him / msging him since I would not know if he replies/responds which would as a result f*ck me up for possibly a month!

My stupid hand is still shaking.....

So annoying........

The funniest part is the fact that I cried like a baby..... I NEVER cry!!!!!!!!! I like the fact that he bring out my sensitive side out...... it's good to feel something more than indifferent...... for that I have to thank him

You know how I always say I feel indifferent about everything and how nothing makes me happy or unhappy.

Well, he makes me happy and unhappy. Which is nice......... which is different........ I hope I can find someone in real life that can do that to me! And I hope this person can be mine......

I'm gonna mark today as one of the better days of my life...

1) I was able to get a student loan
2) The $70 fee for unreturned borrowed books from the library got waved.....
3) VJ called!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I msged him to ask if he really called and he said he just wanted to give me an explanation for what happened..... and I said save ur breath I already know that ur back with ur gf but the fact that u didnt reply after me sending so many msgs to u was so childish and unfair and I would only do that to someone that I dont give a f about... and he replied asking if Im really that upset and I said yes, I am! Then he called.......then we talked ...... I dont even know why I picked up the phone.... but I did....... am I that desperate to have someone over there? I told him I'd forgive him.....

It's exacly as I'd seen it in my dreams......... I always saw him from a distance...... and we just looked at each other or walked passed eachother and smiled...... or I was always hiding and looking at him from distance......... and that's turned into reality..... I'll see him but he has a gf

My freaking hand started shaking after I saw his missed call on my cell....... I was like wtf!!!!

Anyways...... I really dont know what to think..........

How cute, childish, f*ed up.......

I realized something tonight

I'm afraid of getting close to people because of the following reason

1) In general, I dont like people so sometimes I really don't care if I'm with them or not
2) If there is someone that I like I don't want to get close to them or even think about liking them becaue when I usually like someone they dont like me in return
3) I dont want to "hang out" with the guys that I don't like because I don't want them to think that I'm in love with them or I dont want them to fall in love with me

The one thing that I'm super scared of is people falling in love with me........ I dont want to hurt anyone anymore........

And all this time I was wrong?

I was always happy for being the last kid in the family caz I got the most attention and learned from other''s mistakes........ but now that I think about it I realize that I was loved....... and I was spoiled....... maybe it's better to have been the first child......that way you'll learn how to love caz u have younger brothers and sisters that u are responsible for and it must be a good feeling to care.........

Update of my life: I feel so lost these days...... can't even believe I'm leaving in 1 month....I'm nervous.... and I feel empty.....

I feel like I want a bf........ hahaha.......weird huh? someone tall, muscular, manly, and mature that can take care of me and spoil me .......... :D ....... whatever

I'll keep living my boring life.......

GOOD NIGHT

Been there done that......

I'm sorry but I have 0% tolerance for games....... absoloutely NADA

I'm so tired of these games....... sometimes they could be fun if you have the time and patience..... but when that's gone then you come to a point where you accept everything the way it is and forget about all the rest and say F*ck it!!!!

I think ....... i mean I just think that it's good to be single forever.........and not even attempt to find someone.........cause they're all f*cking players and I'm so tired of these sh*tty games........

GROW UP

yes...... I'm still romantic and f*cked up in the head for thinking that romance still exists........ I still get fooled by people that tell me I'm special and they've never seen anyone like me ........ yes I still do get fooled by that..... I still get blown away........ and try to fall in love......... but at the moment I would like to say enough is enough.........

Changing the mode from single but wanna be in a relationship / in love to single and wanna remain single thank you very much

God bless!

Rare to find...

People that you will love with your heart and sould regardless of what they do
People that you will love without any expectations from them, without asking them for favors.....

It's a good feeling to love

I should be thankful to god to reminding me that I do have the ability to love........ even if the person that I love is in love with someone else I'm still thankful for getting my feelings back

I think, as a general rule, it's utterly stupid to tell someone that you care for them if u haven't seen any love from them.........

My case is different, thus I'm confused

I won't tell him that I love him caz he's in love with someone else and since I love him I want him to be happy, and nothing else matters..........

and everything happens for a reason...

Learn not to ignore the signs.....

Do not lie to yourself.......do not try to convince yourself that you're wrong caz you most probably are not!

Sign: "She broke up with me"

Translation: If she comes back I will get back with her in a heart beat!

To conclude this whole VJ thing I tell you why I was so confused......

Imagine liking someone A LOT.... imagine having them tell you that they also like you ........ imagine them telling you things that will make you believe that you're not imagining things and what you're feeling really is mutual.... imagine trying to break down your walls and convince yourself that you should give this a try..... imagine that the other person suddenly COMPLETELY stops contacting you..... imagine them not replying to you (the same person that initiated every single conversation that you had by txting / phoning you) ....... imagine being confused...... imagine asking him about what's going on and not getting a reply....... imagine getting worried thinking if something's happened to him....... imagine waiting and waiting...... imagine seeing that he's actually active on his profile.... imagine sending more msgs to ask him WTF happened...... imagine him not replying....... imagine you having to stay in the state of confusion trying to figure out what might be the reason.... imagine going to his profile and seeing that he's added his gf back....... imagine feeling foolish but finally at peace caz now you know

Imagine getting angry because the stupid F was the one that initiated this whoooooooooooooooole thing........ like WTF......... I was trying to be just friends.......... I was doubting everything......... I really wanted to not get too close........he was the one that started it all....... and despite all that had happened I said fine.........it's been about 9 months since they broke up (he said september) .......... and suddenly after you talk to him for 2 weeks BOOM she's back in his life.........

And imagine telling yourself that EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON...... and really believing in it :)

That's why I'm not really that mad at him... if this is supposed to be my life..... then be it..... if he shouldnt be in my life that's fine......

I just feel like he owes me an apology for being the one that started it and not even replying to my msg when I asked him about what's wrong..... it would have been ok.....I would have understoond....... why do I have to torture myself for 3-4 days wondering about WTF happened!

These are the thoughts that went through my head:

1) Is he falling in love with me and finding it hard to keep in touch while we apart so he wants to move forward slowly until I get there

2) Is he moving to Berlin hence trying to not talk to me as often so I won't get hurt at the end

3) Is he back with his x gf?

and the answer was #3

I'd told you I have unconditional love for him.... I still do....... caz he's lovely .... just a bit stupid and immature

Not sure how long this FML moment will last for......

But hopefully not too long........

I HOPE SHE AGREES!!!!!!!!!!!

Fingers crossed

GOOD NIGHT

ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

he's "liked" her picture

He's added her back on his FB

I feel like throwing up........

Hopefully I'll feel better soon

but EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

I litterally feel like throwing up!

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaroooooooooooom baaaaaaaaaaaaash

ah ah

beh khatereh ye jeghel bache bebin che asaabam khoordeh

badtar az hameh ineh ke nemitoonam be khodam komak konam

daareh haalam be ham mikhoreh

ok maa raftim bekhaabim

BYE

delam migeh khodeto nabaaz mard.........

wtf!

Ivana: :)
Me: EWWWWWWWWWWW

That's what I wanna write on his wall......... Ivana's his x-gf's best friend......... I really have a feeling he's getting back with his x-gf

and the saddest part is that I don't hate him for it! I want to delete him but I cant! The only time that I will delete him is if he gets engaged or married!

I donnow why I still feel like crying......... I dont know........I think it may be becaz I love him! ewwwwww ...... I love him? seriously? whyyyyyyyyyy?

Caz "when ur in love, u do anything, u do al the crazy things that you can't explain.... "

I was talking to my friend today who is a prof! she's young (like 28sh) and had a bf who was about 2 years younger than her..........he was just a regular guy working in the shipping area of some store ....... keep in mind that she's a freaking prof of a freaking university!!!! she's crazy about him........ but they finally broke up caz they were having problems (he'd stopped giving her attention)...........she's beautiful too.......... and she's still in love with him

the stupid guy is now going out with some asian girl who is, from what ive heard, not good looking and just broke up with his bf......... he's even introduced her to his family after a month and they went on a trip with the family.......and he paid for it!!!! and back then when my friend was going out with him (they were togetheer for 4 years) his MOM wouldnt let them go on a trip together alone (caz she's a strict christian!!) .......... like wtf!!!!

why do some things don't make sense at all? why is there no one to answer our questions? why do we have to waittttttttttt.........whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy?

Is it time for me to start stressing out yet?

So I'm moving to another city, all by myself, in about a month and a half....... starting a new life...... for some reason it seems like I still can't believe it!

At the moment, I don't feel good or bad......... feels like I'm holding back all my feelings .....

He hans't really contacted me or anything ..... I think he's gone back to his x.... which is fine....

I'm waiting to hear back from the lady (who is hopefully a real person) who's supposed to send me pix of her apartment, the place that I'm gonna be staying at for the first 12 days......

I'm registering for my courses on Tuesday......... after that it might start feeling more real.....

I'm trying really hard to figure out how to make a life that can have both school and life in it..... but for now I'm not sure about what's gonna happen......

I think this is a dream come true...... I have the opportunity to start a new life...... I better make it work!

Everything happens for a reason.........

zendegi rasmeh khoshaayandist
zendegi baalo pari daarad
zendegi jombeshe jaari shodanas
az tamaashaagaheh aaghazeh bahar
taa be jaayi ke khodaa midaanad!

Delam gerefteh..........

Taa haalaa didin bazia beh deleh aadam nemishinan?

Man ke kollan dar moredeh kheylia bi tafaavot hastam...yani boodo naboodeshoon aslan baram farghi nemikoneh...vali kasaani ham hastan ke naboodeshoon baraam behtar az boodeshooneh....

Vali haalaa beyneh khodemoon baasheh......... in pesareh ke goftam khodam addesh kardam be FB kheyli baanamake..... kheyli bache bahalieh....... azash khosham miaaaaaaaaaaaaad........ az VJ am keh mesleh hamishe khabari nist........

Kollan vali begam ke asaab nadaaram...emrooz ba bache ha raftiim kooh navardi... kheyli khosh gozasht...vali alan ke bargashtam khooneh yeh energyeh manfieh bozorg mesleh ghoroobeh jomeh aadam che ehsaasi mikoneh... oon modeli..... badjoor delam gerefteh!!! nemidoonam chera :( :( :(

Excuse me but....

Who are you calling crazy?

I'm certainly not the crazy one here! I mean I could be crazy, but certainly not in regard to this situation!

I have the right to be upset! I have the right to be mad and sad. It does hurt when you msg someone and don't get a reply from them. Specially if that someone is someone that you care about.

It's ok to be sad and upset. It's ok to feel. It's ok to feel like you're going crazy.

I just feel sorry for myself for having to go through this.......

I feel sad that I'm letting it happen to me. I am sad that I can't stop caring. I am sad that I forgive him. I'm sad that I like him unconditionally. And there is a reason for it! It's because he's still the only person in this world that can actually make my day! He turns it upside down. Only when he's around that is. When he's not around he has the opposite affect.

So let's say out of the 30 days that we're "in touch" I'm happy 2 days and sad 28 days. But I think those 2 days are worth it! Just because I have no other thing that makes me this happy. I do try to live my normal boring life on the side and feel all these feelings. It's ok to cry........ I actually missed crying ........

At this point, after msging him and not hearing from him, I'm telling myself to be ok with it. That's just how he is. He's weird. He can't help it. The only thing that makes me regretfully sad is the fact that I made the same mistake twice. I have said this in my last post I guess but I'll say it again. I was ok with not calling him/ talking to him everyday! He's the one who insisted that we talk more. And now I haven't heard from him for about a week. Like WTF!!! I had done this before with RD..... as soon as he asked for attention and I gave it to him he ran the other way...... in his case he had gone back to his x-gf........ I wonder if it's the same thing this time. I would laugh so hard if it was!!! I would be so happy...... then I will know for sure that all men are the same!

Bezaar tamoomeh raaho baa khiaale to tanhaa beram.....

And that will just have to suffice caz I dont/can't see it any other way!

:)