Blindsided?

 I don’t even know where to start but I think I kind of do…

It’s a rainy day so I am just taking it in and matching my mood….

It all started from that wonderful dinner in November 2020… we had a nice romantic dinner and I was sure that he is about to ask me to marry him… but it ended up just being a nice dinner…

Fast forward to March 2021… we were still very much in the middle of the pandemic when they sent him off on a work trip… we had continued our conversation about getting married and I was sure 2021 would be our year…

Knowing that when he went on his work trip I came to Vancouver and decided to even do my wedding dress shopping because something told me that any day he will propose… when I was in Vancouver, he called me to tell me that he has got a thumbs up from HR that he can move to Vancouver Island for his next contract… which made me partially happy as I did want to be closer to family so that it would be easier on us when we have kids…. And despite the fact that I knew it would be too far from my friends I decided to be happy about it although it felt strange… I think that’s where it all started…. You see, up until that point he had told me that there is no way we will leave because of his job… and suddenly that had changed so I had to readjust my thoughts…. And then we went from that to him completely quitting so we could move to Vancouver, which he was willing to do for me… all because of me… at one point I stopped being able to respond… I just took it all in… I had nothing against coming back, in fact I loved coming back as it had been my dream… I just never thought it would be this difficult….

The difficulty I thought we would have to go through was him being unemployed for a year… which was fine to me or more than fine because I wanted him to have a chance at getting his dream job… but now so far he is hating the program and not wanting to quit obviously because it’s too early in the game…. He is just so stressed 80% of the times that it’s difficult to even have any conversations with him… I am now trying to avoid him most of the times because I just don’t want to get into an argument…

I hate to see him sad and stressed… I wish he could be happier

And in the middle of this is the whole reason we moved here… which was to start a family…. First of all, we haven’t been able to get pregnant which is a stress on its own, but to get pregnant while he is so stressed doesn’t even seem like a good idea… sometimes I try to convince myself that we should still try because there is not really ever a “perfect” time and that this will get better, but then I get unsure… should I really go to the doctor to figure out why this is not happening for us? Should I wait? 

I feel like more than a physician I need an advisor…

Although I knew all the plans and agreed to them I don’t know how we got here…. Hence why I feel blindsided 

I hate the fact that I am not dealing with it better and being super in denial about it…

The problem is that I am not getting any younger and that’s what worries me…

I wish I knew how to be more supportive  

For today, I will just let myself be sad…