And 5 years after..... history repeats itself

I'm still as insecure as I was 5 years ago...... this time I don't think there's any hope....... There are some things that I can't change about myself..... god made me this way...... even if I'm different that's just how it is..... nothing I can do about it...... so much to be thankful for...... this is not even that big of a deal.... it might just mean that I won't ever be with anyone.... but who knows...... only time can tell.......

My baby is back... I had missed him so much.....it's so sad that I'm so busy that I can't spend time with him...... I have to make time! God help me.......

So tired.....

GOD PLEASE HELP ME IN THE NEXT 50 days! Seems like it's never gonna end!!!!!

I have changed........

This was me 2 years ago

"What I gotta do to make you love me? What I gotta do to make you care?
By you I don't mean you......... I mean me! What do I have to do to make me love me? I really don't know

I feel like I'm on the verge of crying every second of my waken moment.......... but I obviously don't cry caz there's no point of crying....... I'm just really sad that I'm so indifferent and not excited about anything anymore....... tears......... sigh......... chi begam........ just sad sad sad!

I feel like I'm changing in a way since my birthday....... I'm trying to explore myself........ I feel this emptiness inside...........since I'm not in love with anyone anymore........ I feel lost .......... none of the songs I listen to (that are about love) make any sense to me at all!! like 0............ I think I have completely given up on love........ and I'm perhaps trying to convince myself to get used to the idea........ that's why I feel lost..... I don't know what to think of "guys" anymore......... I truely don't

"

Eventhough I am kinda dep now.......or I'm trying to avoid being dep because I can't afford it.......I'm just a bit stressed about school.......but I have faith....... and I have feelings..... I am so excited about the fact that I have feelings........I'm not indifferent..... it's a true blessing.......and I'm so thankfull.......

DREAM HIGH
IMAGINE YOU CAN TOUCH THE SKY

keeping my fingers crossed..... :X

tora nemibinamo ammaa..

delam tang mishe har lahzeh.........

he still hasn't msgd me..... I just hope he's still alive.......I have a feeling he is.......so I'm not planning to msg him..... if he wants he can msg me himself...... I might consider answering it...... I'm glad that at this point I still do care...... hope it doesn't go away..... hope we can work it out

GOD HELP ME WITH SCHOOL...... I have no idea how the next month.1/2 will go..... please help me...... that's all that matters for now .....

and THANK YOU GOD FOR EVERYTHING ....... I LOVE YOU

And one last thing before I go to bed...

It ain't over till its over!!!

Ki ashkato paak mikoneh......

Ki ashkato paak mikoneh
Shabaa keh ghosse daari
Dast roo moohat ki mikesheh
Vaghti mano nadaari
Shooneyeh ki marhameh hegh heghet mishe dobare
Az ki bahoone migiri shabaye bi setare
Barg rizoonaye paaiz
Ki chesh be raat neshaste
Az jolo paat jam mikone bargaaye zardo khaste
Ki montazer mimooneh hatta shabayeh yalda
Ta khande roo labat biad shab berese be farda

He hasnt sent me a msg in 24 hrs...... not planning to msg him anytime soon.......
I have to face the truth......I have to think.......... I can't be in love without being loved back...... or I cant be loved back conditionally.....I need support not more stress than I already do.... caz I do have a lot of stress...it's my last term INSHALLA ...... I'm a capricorn......

Can't help it but cry.....

I've been in a "meh" mood these days....can't even blame it on "that time of the month" this time because it's not that time of the month..... in fact, it's not even the week before or after it! Long distance relationship is hard...... and what makes it even harder is when one/both people start saying things that are not nice.....

For example, beside the example that I'd given here before here are 2 more recent ones:

1) After he told me he's got sick I said: :(((( ..... and then he said that's all ur gonna say? and then I said how did u manage to get sick... and also told him that he should drink lotsa liquid etc and wished that hed get better soon...... then he said "finally... i was waiting to see if u would say the right things..... thanks"..... and then again today i asked him how he's feeling...... told him I miss him..... and

To BE continued......

He just called me and I feel a lot better....:)

Sad

I went to bed last night crying...... whenever I cry at night I get a headache the next day so I told myself to stop...

Right after I posted here last night he called me....he sounded all cheerful and energetic as he usually does.... which is one of the things that I love about him...... as soon as he started talking I thought to myself this is why I can't get mad at him...... because he doesn't really know how much the things he says makes me upset.....(and I'm still crying) ..... but then he started asking questions about the apartment...... and he was mad at why he has to turn it into a questionaire ..... why can't I give him all the details myself..... and then he said it's ok he's gonna come here and see the place himself.... I was so mad.... tried to keep talking to him...... then he asked about my day...... I wasn't in the mood to talk at all......and he said "you never talk, I always have to ask you questions in order for you to talk......and u know what I'm out of questions......" ...... and he said it's better if we talk tomorrow before he gave me a chance to answer his last question..... and I said ok ...... bye.....

(I usually don't like to talk at the end of the day.... I'm always tired and not in my best mood at all..... )

Then I started crying..... sometimes I don't know why I try...... all the other times that I'm with him I'm happy...... because I know that deep down inside he likes me...... but I also keep telling myself that's not enough...... I'm not what he's looking for so why push it? I woke up half an hour ago.... thankfully he had sent me a msg asking me to check my e-mail..... I wasn't sure what was gonna be in it as I had eventually sent him an e-mail last night saying I removed our picture from the background.....

I don't know why I can't stop crying.....maybe I should get up and wash my face......

have a good day....

MAD

I'm so mad at him......

1) He didn't remember my birthday and I think it's ok because he's a guy...... but he didn't even apologize.......and even that's ok because he's busy with school

2)I went to see an apartment FOR HIM today..... I had sent him the addresses before to tell him where they are.....and by mistake when I was writing him an email to see how the apartments were I mentioned the name of a mall that's so far from where he's looking for a house.... and he replies to me......not only does he not thank me for going all the way to the other side of the town to see these apartments FOR HIM...... he send me an e-mail in capital bold letters saying "why would you go to see apartments in a place where is so far from where I want to get an apartment"....... as if I'm an idiot......


I'm so mad at him...... it seems like nothing is ever good enough for him...... even when I make him food he always complains about something....... I get him..... and I'm so patient with him...... but I don't know why...... I've always told myself to not go out with someone who treats me less than they would treat a queen...... I don't know why I would lower my standards for him...... maybe because I know deep down inside he doesn't mean it........ I guess I still have to get to know him A LOT more......

valentine's day is coming up and he's not here..... this is the first time after 26 years of my life that I actually have someone in my life for valentine's day..... but he's not here...... maybe when I'm 27 I'll be finally able to celebrate that day with someone....... I believe in love........ I think that's my problem......