Haalemaan khoobast, gham kam mikhorim...........

:)

Yes I can say that my mood these days has been quiet good. I'm just going to work, coming back, doing some work at home and pretty much not caring about anything else.
My bro came back from his trip on Tuesday and the storm suddenly stopped which was a good change.

Our relatives are coming from San Fransisco tomorrow to stay with us for a week. I think I'm kinda excited about that. It's good to see some familiar faces even if it is after more than 10 years.

My temporary job is ending on Monday so I'm trying to enter the datas that I've collected on their server before noon tomorrow so I won't be busy when they arrive.

I have cooled down on the whole idea of forcing myself to think about AH and moved on by talking to some new people. I very much enjoy talking to this new guy so ....... YAY me (not!)

We'll see where the road takes me in the next few months.......starting work at my previous job on Aug. 17th (or hopefully a week sooner)

oh let me also mention the fact that it's been unbearably hot here for the past week.... since Monday I believe............ like super super hot....... and it's supposed to continue.........it's like something I've never seen before.......sunny days ........7 days in the row.......and heat!!! wow.......... even though I've been trying to stay at home ........ it's still nice .........not complaining at all :)

Seeking for individual happiness.......

Is it possible to ignore the people close to you who are depressed to go your own way to find happiness?

I'm seriously tired of this whole thing.........I mean I still have the power and energy to exist among this happiness and just be....... but wouldnt I be a lot happier if I completely removed myself from this enviornment and went somewhere else to experience something new?

Wouldnt it be possible to regain the energy and happiness to come back and help these people?

Would I be too late? That's the question!

My conscience will never leave me alone

So what are some things that make me happy? Talking to guys and being among guys..... so that's what I have to look for and find!

Nesfeh nimeh.. baa shakko tardid? Hichvgh! Mahaalast aashegh shavam

Man sobh baa avaazeh parandeh haa bidaar mishavam
Beh shogheh didaneh khorshid cheshmaanam raa baaz mikonam


Dar delam cheh migozarad?
Taarikeh taarik........... khaamoosheh khaamoosh
Baaz beh fekreh eshgho aasheghi
Man faghat beh aashegh boodano aashegh shodan fekr mikonam

Beh jaayeh hamishegi miravam......... beh donbaaleh oo migardam
Shayad oo emshab injaast...... ya'ni mishavad?
Shaayad emshab aashegh shavam

Naashenaasi salaam mikonad......... javaab midaham
Oo booyeh eshgh midahad........ shayad oo khodeh.......
Na na......... baa shakko tardid? Hichvaght! Mahaalast aashegh shavam

Panjareh raa mibandam........ cheraagho khaamoosh mikonam
Va mesleh hamisheh ..... baa ehsaaseh shabiheh dirooz...... hich va pooch ... be khaab miravam

BEH OMIDEH TOLOOEH FARDA

تو که نیستی تا ببینی
گریه های هر شب من
بی حضور عاشق تو
چه عجیبه گریه کردن

تو که نیستی تا ببینی
دل آسمون شکسته
جاده تا صبح قیامت
منو این پاهای خسته

با عبور هر ستاره
روح سبز تو رو دیدم
زیر قطرهای بارون
صدای پاتوشنیدم

Miss Tavahhom Part II

hmmmmmmmm....... The way I feel these days is very similar to how I was feeling 3 years ago at this time (when I hadn't been accepted to UNI and was going through a rough time) ........... with the difference being the fact that I was trying really hard to change the way I am back then ......... just constantly thinking of changing.......... but now ....... I'm just in that tavahhom world again.........this time not trying to change........ I think I should diagnose myself with having a short attention span...... eventhough that might not be the right word to use I do feel like I'm constantly getting distracted....... and trying to think about too many things at the same time......... I can't and dont usually listen to what people are telling me because at the same time i'm thinking about the past/ present/ and the future........

I think I should be worried about myself......... but I'm not ...... not just yet.... maybe in the near future

I also have another news........ I realized that if someone drops from your eye (az cheshm biofteh) .......... if they have really done something to drop from your eye .........then there is absoloutely no way in the world that you can ever have the complete love and affecetion towards them............ meaning that it's impossible to forgive and forget........and even if you forgive....... you can never forget......... hence you'll never be able to feel the same ........... even though at times it might seem like you have........ you haven't....... you will never be able to move on! (no I'm not thinking about a guy here...... this time it's about friends and family members)

I think I know the day that everything changed......... I just dont wanna talk about it..........it was some time in the past 40 days.......... it's because of my family situation mostly......... I THINK........ not sure........ or it could be personal........

fe'lan ke lahzeh haa baa hameyeh khoobio badi daaran migozarand........... I just hope when my brother comes back he will not add more to this drama! I don't think I will be able to take any more of this.............

aslan shaayad risheyeh aslieh tamaameh in az vaghti shoroo shod ke oon raft....... yeh joori baavaram nemisheh chetor kasi keh enghad beh digaraan bedehkaareh mitooneh baa khiaale raahat kooleh baaresho jam koneh o be mosaaferat bereh.......

A-H

He's back from iran....... he came i think it was last sunday......anyways we haven't talked much.... he's tired from the long way on the plane + jet lag...... but something weird happened....... we talked and I think I tried to show some emotions...... and I'm sure he got it......but then he acted in a way that he proved to me that he's not interested anymore.......... which is fine..... I guess....... two nights ago (the night after i talked to him) i was awake almost all night thinking why he didnt come online during the day...... he's weird...... maybe he's fallen in love with someone in iran..... or maybe he just misses his family.....im definately not important anymore.......

va in niz bogzarad

I have felt this way before!

True happiness.......... yes........... it's really really gooooooooooooood........ feels wonderful........... even if it lasts for an hour or so........ I still appreciate every minute of it!

I went to another driving lesson.......... I'm not sure if it's the driving that I enjoy so much or the driving instructor????? He's really charming :X ......anyways.... :)

A*** dar tavahhom!!!

Beh man migeh to chera hamishe dar tavahhomi? chan vaghte aslan beh harfaai ke digaran dar atrafet mizanan aslan tavajjoh nemikoni..........

alan asabaniam.......asabani va narahat va del shekasteh! ghosseh daar ......delam mikhad geryeh konam...... mesleh hamishe.......delam mikhad.......yeh ashkiam oomad.......vali edaamash nemidam...... dobaareh bahs bahseh boodan yaa naboodan hast..... dobaareh fekreh lezzat az ashkhaayi keh dar naboodan rikhteh misheh..... kheyli jaalebeh........ hamisheh intori boodam........ yaadameh kelaseh avvaleh raahnamaaiam keh doostam yeh doosteh jadid gereft in ehsaso daashtam........ doost dashtam naboodam taa oon az doorim geryeh koneh.......albateh haminam shod........vali naboodan oon moghe ba oomadaneh man be injaa khaatemeh peida kard....vali vaghti inja hastamo jaai kheyli door nemitoonam beram chejoori mitoonam nabasham? faghat yek joor naboodan vojood daareh!

anyways.........vaghti narahat misham az in fekra ziad mikonam.......nemidoonam chera az fekreh narahatieh digaran dar vaghte naboodanam enghad lezzat mibaram...... albateh in digaran hichvaght shaameleh khaanevadam nashodeh...... kheyliam vasam jaalebeh........ nemikhaam hichvaght khaanevadam narahat beshan...... nemidoonam chi begam ....... yani manish ineh ke baraayeh "doostam" oonghadra negaraan nistam va az narahatish khoshhal misham? fekr konam too saram in mesleh yeh joor enteghaam mimooneh...... doos daram intori shayad az harfaai ke zadeh pashimoon besheh.... albate bazam migam FEKR MIKONAM.......nemidoonam

beh har haal hameyeh ina faghat harfeh.......gharari nist hich ettefaghi biofteh........faghat alaan fekr konam beh haddeh enfejaar narahatamo khodamam nemidoonam bayad chi kar konam..........

shayad oon rast migeh........shayad vaghean dar tavahhom beh sar mibaram....shayad yekam bayad zendegiro jeddi tar begiram ....... midoonam in bi tafavotieh man bazi moghe ha herseh digarano dar miareh ke baaes mishe ke harfaai ke nabayad be zaboon ovordo boland behem began.........

dashtam beh fekre karai ke doos daram bokonam fekr mikardam

doos daram soccer yaad begiram......... shenaa.......... dance .......

fe'lan in se ta beh fekram resid.......hatman bayad yad begiram

beh ezafeyeh in kaarai ke kheyli kheyli doos daram bokonam varzeshkar shodaneh.... yani mahiche haro ghavi kardan........ bayad ye barnamerizieh doros hesabi berizam anjam bedam........ motmaennan oonghadra sakht nist

baaz daram be in fekr mikonam ke shayad in "doostam" ro oonghadra doos nadaram ...... doos daram har chan vaght yeh bar bahash hang out konam....vali na inke har rooz! az tarafiam vaghti zang mizaneh migeh bia inja ya berim oonja delam nemikhad na begam......chon zendegim be andaze kaafi boringo yek navakht hast...... mitarsam ageh in yeh zareh "sargarmi"ram nadashte basham divooneh besham!

beh har hal man mojoodeh pichidei hastamo sar az karaye khodamam dar nemiaram..... fe'lan mikham beram bekhabam

yek chize dige........tasmimeh dige........ ineh ke VJ ro az FB paak konam.......... daare taghriban 3 saal mishe..........va az inkeh hanooz ......... asabam kkhoord misheh........... hanooz ba in yek mozoo bi tafaavot nashodam....... va in naraha
tam mikoneh..... kheyli maskharas....... hamishe doost dashtam negaresh daram......chon vaghean khob kare badiam ke nakardeh... manam beh khodam goftam ok inam jozveh doostameh... vagheanama alan baram hichi mohem nist..........vali...... fekr konam yeh chizi dar naakhodaagaaham hast ke aziatam mikoneh ...... pas deletesh mikonam balkeh nadidaneh esmesh komakam koneh....... beh har haal khaateraat hamishe sareh jaayeh khodeshoon hastano beh moghash miaano miran...........vali ezafeh kardan beh triggereh beh roo ovordaneh in khaateraat hich chizo hich kaso komak nemikoneh..... banaa bar in.......... ba kamaleh ta'assof.........va yekam ashk ke hoseleyeh rikhtaneshoono nadaram.......... haminja delete va khodahafezi mikonam.....

i'm not crazy i'm just a little unwell.....

Nice song for change of mood...... khanoom gol by Ebi

Khaanoom gol aay khaanoom gol
Baraam sakhteh tahammol
Ghadamaat rooyeh cheshmaam
Biaa be in vareh poly
Az in goosheyeh donya
Ta oon goosheyeh donyaa
Cheshaam basteh baraat pol
Khaanoom gol aay khaanoom gol

Beh yaadet ke mioftam
Milarzeh delo dastam
Hezaar daad mizanam daad
Hanooz aasheghet hastam

Yeh rooz too baagheh paayiz
Toro takideh didam
Zadi risheh too ghalbam
Toro be joon kharidam

Man az kharaabeyeh eshgh
Baraat golkhooneh saakhtam
Bahaaro baa to didam
Beh booyeh to shenaakhtam

Bahaar vaghti bahaareh
Keh booyeh toro daareh
Vagarna mesleh har saal
Khazooneh entezaareh

Delam omidvaareh
Agarcheh geleh daareh
Keh bargardi dobaareh
Roozaro mishomaare

Midoonam ke to emrooz
Pashimoontari az man
Biaa keh direh fardaa
Vaaseh beh ham residan

Beh aaghoosheh marg raftan.....

Maybe the sadest part of these protest, specially the one that happened today on 18th of Tir, is the fact that the young people in Iran do feel suicidal. Many of them are depressed and welcome the idea of protesting, even if it will cost them their lives. Today was a proof of that. Eventhough the government had warned people to stay at home or otherwise pay the consequencs, they still chose to come on the streets and still try.......for a better tomorrow....... for Tolooeh Farda....

Tanhaayi hameyeh vojoodameh, mano tanhaa bezarin?

Hmm.........

I really wish I knew why I love being alone so much. I mean most of the people that I know are really great, fun people. So what is the reason that makes me not want to spend time with them and instead be alone? I do think if I get a bf I would like to be social and go out, but at the moment, I feel ........ empty. Being around people doesn't excite me that much.

For example, I went out yesterday and it was one of the most memorable days of my life. I had a lot of fun, we went on a motor boat with my "friends" and after that went to the movies and dinner. Yes I had fun. But in my head it was just another way to waste time to get through another day.

There is too much on my mind, my family and myself of course are the first things that come to mind. Then my career, future, and their future.

Anyways...........

I was thinking today about how much I love kids. It's amazing. Before my sister had her baby I had no idea how I feel about babies and kids. Yes, it is a lot of work to take care of them. But at the same time they are so beautiful and innocent that you can't help but to love them. Like in my head I'm thinking that baby sitting is fun and maybe that's what I should do for life........ weird!! Lol .....

I'm so glad that my niece was born. She really makes me happy. She's one of the only people that I truely love. It's good to love (even if i'm not loved in return........at least not yet........ or maybe she does show me love by staying in my arms quietly........ it feels really good to hold her........ can't wait for her to grow up......... then I can actually hug her ........ and go out with her........... yay!!! :D :D ) ........... :)

Long live the mediator!!!!

So I wasn't home for half a day yesterday........ and when I come back it seems like everything has fallen apart........... in addition to the usual storm in the house it seems like it has also had an affect on the outside......... now my job is to put back the broken pieces......... I have already done a lil since I woke up in the morning........... hopefully everything will be better by the end of the day............ keeping my fingers crossed........... :)

So bored!

work= check
driver's license = in process
bf = no check (not gonna happen any time soon so stop asking!)
uni = needs to become the first priority ASAP


still not sure if I will get a car or........... I'll decide that after I get my N!

Can't share my excitement with everyone on FB :(

second driving lesson........ so good........ can't share............everyone will laugh........but still :D

Update: 1 hour after

I have a bad feeling......... I donnow whyyyyyyyy........ all of a sudden I feel stressed out....... I dont know if it's because I didn't book a lesson for next week.......... or because he didn't say a proper goodbye....... or because he's persian but we speak english all the time (Awkard) ......... or if because I feel like maybe I can't do it........... aaaa ........ yeh ehsaaseh kheyli badi behem dast daad ......... :(

UPDATE

so I finally had my first driving lesson!!!

it went ok.......... I mean I'm not sure if I was doing most of the driving or my instructor........ but he told me that i'm better than many of the others and he was teaching me something he would teach others in lesson 3 after 15 minutes !!! maybe that got me scared a bit because I still fill like I don't look at the mirrors enough........ but I was only driving for 1 hour .......so ........ I guess I shouldn't be worried just yet............

so many things happening........tomorrow............this........... life .............. hopefully an end to the storm.............. everything..............

overall ........... my current mood is happy ( even though I still feel as empty and indifferent as a bug!)

wooooo............

I had fun yesterday! YAY!

I had gone to P's house 2 days ago to wait for her to get ready so we can go pick up A and have dinner or something. But things turned out quiet differently........... A said that H is moving and he'd like to help him out.......... and we said FINE! then I asked her if she wants to go to the movies ..........and she was like ..........ok sure.......... but she was still not happy........ so I told her to ask her sis to call her bf and ask him to go out with us so we can also call M to join us (who is someone that she likes) .........anyways..........we ended up going to Whistler........... we booked a hotel room right away and went to her sister's bf house to park our car and go with his Van............. there was 6 of us (it was a big Van) ........ we went to A&W first and had dinner.......... then headed to Whistler at around 12:00 midnight........... it was quiet an enjoyful ride........... I was sitting next to E's sister who is a cool girl........... M and P were sitting behind us....... and P's sis and E in the front............ we listened to music and talked until we got there (at around 2:00 a.m.) ...........then we talked for a bit .........and they ghelyooned.......... and finally decided to go to bed at around 3:30 ....... the sister and I slept in one room.......... P and M in the living room........and the other to in the second room ............

anyways..........the next day we left the hotel at 12:30 ..........went to a lake............chilled there for a bit..........and came back at around 4:30 ...........

it was quiet fun.......specially since the weather was great and the music in the car was awsome!

when I got back home at around 7 my sister/borhter in law/niece were here :D :D

they asked me to go to the movies with them and I did.......... we watched the movie with Sandra Bullock in it.......... it was a good movie :)

and I have decided to finally get my N!!! my L expires on July 22nd......... I just called a driving school and they told me they will get back to me in half an hour.......... hmmmmmmm........I wonder what will happen next

I can't wait for tomorrow............. the day when I'll be finally freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee :D :D :D