درهم بودم ،بر هم بودم،اما خود خودم بودم

ساده بودم،شبنم بودم،زخم گل را مرهم بودم کارم از نو سر زدن بود این راه من بود Donyaayeh in roozayeh man Ham ghadeh tan poosham shodeh Enghadr dooram az to ke Donya faraamoosham shodeh Donyayeh in roozaye man Dargireh tanhaayi shodeh Tanhaa modaaraa mikonim Donyaa ajab jaayi shodeh Dar hasrateh fardaayeh to Taghvimamo por mikonam Har roozeh in tanhaayiro Farda tasavvor mikonam Hamsangeh in roozayeh man Hattaa shabam taarik nist Injaa be joz doorieh to Chizi be man nazdik nist Geryeh nemikonam naro Aah nemikesham beshin Harf nemizanam bemoon Boghz nemikonam bebin Hamishe maghsadam boodi Kojaa baa to safar kardam Cheghadr tanha beram darya Cheghadr tanhai bargardam To baayad ghargh shi dar man Befahmi ki delesh daryaast :) bah bah.....dast bezanid..... ;)

Hurry up and make a decision!

It's been 3 months and I feel like I'm finally learning where to look for jobs AND what kind of job I am looking for. Maybe the second one is to an extent more important than the first one..... Can't shake the feeling that it won't be a good idea to stay here.... but at the same time I don't want to be selfish and go away.... I've seen some of my classmates already getting jobs in the field they want in the city they live in.. why should I ask for any less? I think a part of me does want to go to wherever just because of whatever than stay here... and another part of me wants to go back to where I came from.... But if I find the perfect job (define perfect!) I am willing to stay here or go to the most random place.... I guess a perfect job would be one that requires a master's degree so that I won't feel like I wasted 2 years of my life! :) Anyways.... all is well..... just need to go to bed and get rid of this ba habit of going to bed late! It's 1:40 a.m. ..... ok ..... g night!

Different?

Ok... I know, as someone who has done a Masters degree, that we, who decide to pursue a higher education, do tend to be a little bit different than the others... There tends to be two groups of us: First: Those who get to where they do through cheating. Second: Those who actually study. I don't care if that turns this group into a geek, the point is that as one of these people we HAD to study otherwise how would we EVER get to where the first group did if we did not have the answer to the questions on the exams and assignments? I admit that there's a VERY SMALL group of people who don't cheat and are smart enough to get good grades with studying a little bit. But this group, as I wrote in big letters, is a SMALL group. The point is, once you fall into the second group, as I did, we tend to not be very socialize people. Or even if we are, which I like to think I am, we are not party animals. Maybe I should put the second group into 2 groups: A) Those who just study..... and do just that. and B) Those who study, realize that their life sucks, hence they drink. In this case, I fall into group A. Anyhow, I went to a halloween party last night and I realized how different I am from the others. I mean these people get drunk and start making out with random strangers. When did that ever become a norm? Was I just borne yesterday or do these people fall into another "cool and smart" group that I just don't know about. I did not like what I saw. I am fine with the way I am and I'm not going to become one of thoes fake people that tries to "fit in" by puting on a mask. I'm sorry but that's just not me!!! I guess I am not cool. However, in my defense, the ONLY person that I really knew was my brother. The others were all strangers to me except for a very few whom I had said hi to a few times before. I think taking what I just said into consideration I did pretty well.... People lately have been emphasizing a lot on how I have an accent. This used to be something that I liked but I'm not sure if I was just lying to myself or if it's really true. It's time to change (if I can). I had fun last night before the start of the party only becaues I really enjoyed puting my halloween custom together. Can't say I had fun at the party because I am not a party person specially when it comes to going to a party where i don't know anyone. Don't get me wrong. I love parties when there are at least a few people who are my friends and stick by me....... specially persian parties where I get to dance a lot..... Anyways.....we went to bed at 4:30 am and woke up at 10 so I'm pretty tired right now (11:30 pm) and need to go to LALA I bet you that I will snap back to the reality once I wake up in the morning..... but for now I'm still in my halloween mood....... GOOD NIGHT :)

Halloween

So my brother managed to bring me out of my world by forcing me to go to his in house halloween party..... I've been busy thinking about what I shd wear tmrw and I'm actually quiet excited abt my decision..... I know I won't have that much fun bcz I'm not a big party person and if I go to a party I'd want to go w someone as a couple or as a really good friend.... in this case none of the above applies... and no my brother doesn't count lol.....but I'll have fun with my costume :D It's almost 2 a.m. and I've been looking for jobs as usual..... I can't wait to prove to myself that everything happens for a reason..... Till that day.... I'll be trying..... caz as a "friend" says: "never stop trying"

Would you call it a traumatic experience?

I would... I mean it is in its own way....... My heart hurts just thinking about it........that's why I shouln't think about it..... VA IN NIZ BOGZARAD No thanks, I don't need therapy :)

Too in mosallase gharib, setareh haaro khat zadam, daram be akhar miresam, az oonvare shab oomadam..... :D shadmehr aghili's song? anyways...... time to LALA.... gngt

Jealous?

Honestly I'm not even thinking about relationships/loves or anything like that these days..... I feel like a dead person ... or almost dead who is trying to just survive and KEEP APPLYING..... I have hope..... hope keeps me going...at least for now... I was just reading a conversation between a bf and a gf on someone's wall and I though it was so cute what they wrote to each other like "I love u" the other saying "I love you more"...... I know I sometimes write about how I feel about him but that's only because him and finding a job are the only two things on my mind...... and he has not said anything close to I LOVE U to keep me even day dreaming lol...... whatever......I'm thankful for what I have...... thank you god...... help me stay strong......and help me find the right job :X

I just applied for my dream job......

:-| Can I please get it and thank you! Come on.... I do have the qualifications for it..... and I'm sure I will meet and exceed their expectations.....wait a minute.....I should have said that in my cover letter...... but o well..... I dislike these internal applicants!!! That's what I should do.....start from within as a janitor and work my way up lol...... anyways... in all seriousness...... I want it... can I have it pleaaaaaaaaaase?

So tireddddd!

I didn't look for any jobs today..... my morning started with reading an e-mail saying "thanks for ur application form but we decided to interview others"..... So I went for a 45 min walk and a 10 min run...I left at 12:20 ( I know it doesn't add up) and came back at 1:50.... the walk is up the hill... then when I went to the park to run I felt like I have so much energy trapped in my body that I need to release that I did 3 rounds around the soccer field without stopping..... I was so proud of myself because I usually can barely do one.... GOD WILLINGLY I will keep up the good work...... and keep looking for jobs starting again tomorrow! :)

How the impossible becomes possible... how you get trapped....

I told him that at the beginning of our relationship I told him whatever I wanted because I was not afraid of him and I felt like I could say whatever is on my mind to him...... according to him it's the opposite for most people.....at the beginning they watch what they say to impress the other person and then get too comfortable..... lol .... I think he's right...... but in our case it was the opposite because at the beginning he did things that didn't make sense to me AT ALL..... but after a while I got used to his non-sense and tried not to complain about everything that I didn't understand since I knew that in his mind he thinks he's right.... Back to the topic of the post..... how do u lose regardless of what you choose to say? For example you are mad at him. There are two things you could do: 1) Tell him you are mad and get no apology in return, have him make u feel worse than u did before 2) Not say anything and stay mad. I think I always chose the second one which made me lose less than if I chose the first option..... and at the end of the day I forgot all the bad things that he did bcz deep in my heart I knew with all of my heart that he didn't mean it....... For example the time I called him and got mad at him and cried and hung up on him .... he never called me back.......(the better option would have been to cry and not call him, rather than call him, hang up, hope he calls back) Second example, we got into an argument while walking towards a restaurant, I decided to walk away, he never came after me LOL..... so I had to go to him myself and slowly calm myself down (better option would have been to never argue with him in the first place/ not walk away) The many time (at least 3-4 times) that we got into an argument and he did not apologize, and made me feel like I don't exist...... But at the same time he has done so many nice things that it wouldn't be fair to say that it has been that bad....... As he said, as human beings we tend to forget about the bad stuff and only remember the good stuff..... and in my head he's the loveliest person alive and all I want to do is hug him and kiss him.... specially since I know he has been through so much.... I just want to hold him and make him feel so loved......

Not paralyzed anymore.....

Apparently all I needed was a new color of nail polish :) Slowly moving forward...... It's a beautiful day.... at least the clouds have allowed the sun to come out, even if it is for just a few minutes...... so I'm gonna go join "el sol" before it hides behind the clouds again.... ps. thank u god for the wonderful weekend......

Up and down.... Up and down....

That's how my emotions are these days......up and down..... there's a great fluctuation in my mood throughout the day from the minute I wake up until I go to bed.... keeping them close to the centre is not an easy task to do..... My thoughts are all over the place..... one minute I think I want to just pack my stuff and move back..... the next minute I think I should wait at least until the end of December.... You may think that its because of him.... but it's not.... as much as I sometimes miss him and want to be with him he's not the only reason why I want to move back..... I just don't feel at home here in Vancouver... and I honestly think that if I move back there I will have a better chance at landing a job.... Finding a great job in Ottawa would be a dream come true (like the chance that I missed.....) Finding a great job in Toronto would be great Finding a great job in Calgary after May would be great Finding a great job in Vancouver would be .... good..... I feel like I want to explore other places.... but as the weather is getting colder I'm thinking that I may not want to explore places other than those in Ontario and BC...... Writing these down helps me clear my head... thanks for listening... this is how I feel today... I'll let u know if anything changes..... PS I was about to call one of my friends in Ottawa to tell her that I'm moving back there to stay w her until the end of November (and of course pay for the rent) but after I went for a run and came back I changed my mind.......

Where's the fire?

The way that I can explain it is something like this: I've been cold for so long and I have finally found the magic wood that I can set on fire and let it burn forever to keep me warm.... the only problem is that this magic wood is all that it is.... for some reason there's something on his behalf that's preventing me from doing that...... The romantic person that I am, I was thinking of going there for about a month form the end of october to end of november so that I can be there for his favorite day of the year, Halloween (I know it's odd that that's his favorite day) and be there for his birthday...... But I just KNOW that if I do something like that not only is he going to not appreciate it, but he's going to judge me in a way like "wtf are u doing here? ur presence here is distracting me from studying OR ur forcing urself on me!) On the other hand, I'm equally sure that he has some strong feelings for me... there's something there.... I just know it.... and no I'm not just being wishful..... As Obama said (I think it was him), we have enough good memories from the beginning of our relationship to keep us strong throughout the tough days..... at least that's how it is for me.... All my heart wants to do is to run back to him and be with him..... All my mind was to do is to try to stop me from doing something foolish like that... I have forgot about my pride A LOT throughout this relationship to get us where we are today (where are we exactly?) but this time I think it will break me if I do something to give him a reason to look down on me... I have to have something to show before going back...... that's if I ever go back..... :)

Isn't this what most people wish?

"I'm a strong person but sometimes I wish there was someone who could hold my hand and reassure me that everything is going to be ok." Comes from the heart... :) Went out w friends tonight.....feel so much better...... THANK YOU GOD

Bazi Vaghta......

There are some things that one must not think about in order to keep their sanity... So what if I made a stupid mistake and did not get my dream job that would have really made my dream come true.... me being in Ottawa, doing something that would've made me gain experience to get the jobs I want.... ? So what ? Maybe there is a reason for it..... there is always a reason..... I shall wait and see what it is!!! ONLY TIME..... GOD HELP ME MOVE ON!

I screwed up...

The analysis of the results of the given data was MUCH simpler than I thought..... Whenever you are in doubt about what they are looking for, give the simplest answer! Anyways..... I didn't get the job...I hope I can move on...... NEED TO BE STRONG... :( :)

The question is:

As a recent graduate, how are you supposed to find a job when u have no network and are not rich? We'll find out soon

Royaayeh man.....

Dar kaareh ayandeyeh man kholaaseh mishavad! NEED IT SO BADDDDD

Let it go to get it back...

This can work with anything..... For example, yesterday I was fed up with job hunting...so I spent the whole day reading a book (stranger in the moonlight which is a good book if you skip the last 2 chapters)..... but now I'm fine and don't mind continuing my job hunting....sometimes all u need is a break.... this could work well in relationships too....

How to make a woman fall in love?

To give the woman what she needs.... fill out the empty spots..... and she'll fall! True or false? It's debatable! What's the secret to get a man fall in love? Be pretty and make him feel like everything he does is right! True or false?

Having an affair!

Ok.. don't panick.... I'm only kidding...... There's this guy that I volunteer with... and he's started texting me.... saying nothing special but having small talk......... I really need to learn how to be friends with guys without thinking that they're into me!!!!! All my "cool" friends have many guy friends.... it seems like I'm the last dinasour on earth that is so afraid of talking to single guys..... I'm really bad at it too.... I'm sure he's gonna stop texting in a while when he sees that I don't reply back too inthusiastically..... lol I'm so glad I went out bowling with other volunteers tonight! As u may remember I was going crazy earlier.... but now I feel much better..... I'm gonna give myself this weekend off

Maybe the novel I'm reading is getting into me........

"A man's goal should be to have the ability to put a smile on his woman's face all the time"..... only if that were true!!!! Maybe that's why I like her books so much.... she talks a lot about how men should be.... even though they are manly.. at the same time they care a lot about the happiness of their women..... that would turn this world into heaven, wouldn't it? Anyways... I was thinking that all I wanna do is see him again and have him hold me in his armmmsssssssssssss..... I miss being in his arms :( Ok.... going to make breakfast and then come back and refresh the page until I get a freking e-mail from this woman to see if I'm invited to an interview :((( PLEASE GOD.... I NEED AT LEAST A REPLY....... GOOD OR BAD.... I WANT IT TO BE GOOD...... PS Shahram Shokoohi is my new favorite singer..... not so much the lyrics .... but the songs.....they're so goooooood!

Torture?

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah...... can't wait anymore...... I'm turning into a crazy person....... staring at my inbox......refreshing it every 5 minutes....... it's almost 11:30 now....... I'm gonna go eat breakfast.......... woke up at 8 ....... I wonder if I'll get a reply at all!!!! I hope I do.......

Who are you?

Whoever's reading this... introduce yourself :)

Irrelevant....

Sometimes I forget how pretty my name is! I have to repeat it out loud to remind myself what it is ... and then adore it :)

Going crazy!

Can I somehow connect our FIRE ALARM to my e-mail so that I can get notified right away when I recieve an e-mail from her, with an invitation to an interview of course! I promise not to get scared and jump up and down from joy instead!!!!! aaaaah..... I REALLY REALLY REALLY WANT THIS JOB I CANT WAIT ANYMORE!!! It's almost 4 o'clock on that side of the country and something tells me that I won't hear from her until tomorrow, if ever :((((((( My heart hurts!!!! He tells me that it's obviously not from stress.... what do I have to stress about? I said: Are u kidding me? I have never been more stressed out in my life!!! Well, that may be a lie.... I remember being stressed out all summer before I got my acceptance into university.... but this is the second time! I was telling my dad yesterday I would only wish to be able to see the future 3 times in my life: 1) After highschool to see if I will be attending university the next year 2) After University to see if I will get a good job the next year 3) After getting married, to see if we are getting along the next year..... Am I being selfish here? All I worry about is me, me, me!!!!! God, show me the way...

mean?

Yesterday, there was a girl on FB complaining that people are posting too many pix of food.... she said she was on a diet. Today I saw her pic and wanted to write "I can see why you want to lose weight" mean? I'm going crazy... I think I have to weight at least 24 more hours to know what's gonna happen next

BEFORE I FORGET

GOD ...... PLEASE......... I REALLY REALLY REALLY WANT THIS

UPDATE

Ok so it turned out to be this crazy ass data (5 diff variables that I had never heard of) regressed on a y variable (another variable that I had never heard of)!!! there were also two dummy variables that I decided not to use. WTF I don't even know if I should even dream about getting an interview after what I wrote...... not sure what to think.....so I'm not going to think..... I'll keep u posted!

Who can say....? Only time!

Before midnight tonight I'll know what it "was" that I'm worrying about a lil bit at this moment....... 90 minutes to do an exam on excel regarding data manipulation/extraction and multivariable regression analysis...... The truth is that I've never really worked that much with excel.... but I've learned a few things ever since I was asked to do this exam..... We'll see if it turns out to be a monster or a bunny!

khosoosiaateh zan...

Mehraboon Vafaadaar Saboor Por kaar Ageh khosoosiaateh zan dar in 4 kalameh kholaaseh besheh, ayaa in zan behtarin zaneh donyaa baraayeh yek mard khaahad bood? Javaabeh in soaal na hast! Shayad faghat vafaadaar boodanesh khoob baasheh.... mehraboon boodanesh tekraari misheh.... saboor boodanesh mard ro loos mikonneh ta har kari ke delesh bekhaad anjaam bedeh o bedoone zaneh hichi nemigeh, va por kaar boodanesh baaes misheh be andazeh kafi vaght baraayeh mardeh nazaareh o oon mard dar aakhar tamaameh in kaarhaaro vazifeyeh zan bedooneh o baraash bi arzesh baasheh... aya ba ettefaghe zir ke man yek jaa khoondam moaafeghid? Avvalin aksol amaleh man ghablazinke be akhare dastan beresam in bood ke kaareh badie ke zaneh behesh hichi nagofte (ke vaghti yek nafar ro doost dari mamoolan say mikoni behesh ghor nazani ke az dastet narahat nasheh vali taa che andaaze? hatta vaghti midooni ghor zadan kario doros nemikoneh, vali .... ) .... vali hatta khode man vaghti be akharesh residam goftam shayad hamin behtar boodeh beh khatereh harfi ke marde akharesh zadeh.... yani enghad te'dade marde vafadar kam shodeh ke adam bayad be khatere vafaadaarishoon dasto paashoono talaa begireh? Moteassefaaneh javaab taa haddi "areh" hastesh....... مرد نصفه شب در حالی که مست بوده میاد خونه و دستش می خوره به کوزه ی سفالی گرون قیمتی که زنش خیلی دوستش داشته، میوفته زمین و میشکنه مرد هم همونجا خوابش می بره... زن اون رو می کشه کنار و همه چیو تمیز می کنه... صبح که مرد از خواب بیدار میشه انتظار داشت که زنش جر و بحث و شروع کنه و این کارو تا شب ادامه بده ... ... ...مرد در حالی که دعا می کرد که این اتفاق نیوفته میره اشپزخونه تا یه چیزی بخوره ... که متوجه یه نامه روی در یخچال می شه که زنش براش نوشته... زن : عشق من صبحانه ی مورد علاقت روی میز آمادست ... من صبح زود باید بیدار می شدم تا برم برای ناهار مورد علاقت خرید کنم... زود بر می گردم پیشت عشق من دوست دارم خیلی زیاد.... مرد که خیلی تعجب کرده بود میره پیشه پسرش و ازش می پرسه که دیشب چه اتفاقی افتاده بود؟ پسرش می گه : دیشب وقتی مامان تو رو برد تو تخت خواب که بخوابی و شروع کرد به اینکه لباس و کفشت رو در بیاره تو در حالی که خیلی مست بودی بهش گفتی ... هی خانوووم ، تنهااااام بزار ، بهم دست نزن... من ازدواج کردم

btw

I should be thankful in a way.... ever since i got busy with thoughts of "omg what will happen next" i haven't been thinking about ht as much at all.... i guess i'm puting myself first which is important.... and on the side i can't even begin to think what will happen if i really get it...... it will be unbelievable..... i don't want to think about it..... but it would mean that i will be there to celebrate my baby's favorite day of the year with him... i have come to terms with myself that this whole idea of us may never work out..... sometimes i'm not sure if i'm the one who is trying to change him or he is the one that's trying to change me...... either way some things need to change....... and i don't want to be the one chasing him ...... at all..... because it's just not right! i wish myself the best lol :) khodaayaa ...... shokret :)

Geleh e nist.....

Gar ham geleh e hast degar hoseleyi nist! So i guess the excitement of moving to the second step of the "finding a job process" only last for 3 days..... the uncertainty of what will happen and how it will go will almost kill me..... I love my mom: Me: the job is temporary My mom: khob in ke be dard nemikhoreh! lol

I'm so nervous......

Well not really....at least not yet...... I'll tell you why next week (I THINK)..... I know there seems to be a lot of uncertainty in my message...... but that's exactly how I feel right now...... uncertain! but THANK YOU GOD

Bayad

Imaan biaavarim beh PAAYAANEH fasleh sard :)

Really?

Sometimes some things happen that are so strange! I checked my e-mail today, and whenever I check my e-mail there is only one thing I look for: an e-mail from an employer! So I checked my e-mail and thought there was nothing there hence I went on to do other things such as spending 2-3 hours finding a jacket to buy from someone I know since they get a good discount (something close to 95% off)....... anyways...... I go back to my e-mail for the usual reason and saw that there was one e-mail that I did not even see from an employer earlier today!!!! I open it and it says plz call us! Ok .... now it's too late...... I will call tomorrow... but what do they want?????? It seems as if this is a dream job.... I am already in love with what the company does and what its goals are.... but what should I say for the interview? what kind of questions are they going to ask me?????? is it ok that I didn't call them today?????? If I get this job it would be like a dream come true...... keeping my fingers crossed and thanking god for giving me hope!!! THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!!!!!! UPDATE: I wake up this morning to find another e-mail in my inbox saying that I have answered the Q to the question that they had when I said that I still live in BC. That's all they wanted to know!!! But since I had told them in my e-mail that I will call them I did that and told them that I would love to go to where they are hiring... not sure if it was a good thing or a bad thing since she asked me to reply to her e-mail with the answer. WILL KEEP YOU POSTED!

GOING CRAZY

Trying to stay positive and apply for as many jobs as possible..... so far nothing! It's been 2 months since I came back...... I'm gonna lose my mind soon if I don't find a job!!! But I will......I know I will........ Whether you think you can or you can't you are right! This is an exciting month... I'm going to apply for a few more government jobs including my dream job by the end of this week and I will know by the end of this month or even sooner if I'll even be considered for any of them since their hiring process has many stages and the first one is to write a basic test which is supposed to take place within the next few weeks...... I feel like I've had enough of this place.... maybe it's just because of the fact that I don't have a job.... maybe it's because my "bf" is on the other side of the country.... or maybe it's because I think I'm getting old and want to experience living somewhere else..... I don't know what it is.... but I want to be somewhere else! Man aan mojam ke aaraamesh nadaaram Be aasaani sare saazesh nadaaram Hamishe dar gorizo dar gozaaram Nemimaanam be yek jaa.... bigharaaram!