Nightmare or reality?

There are times in life
when life gets tough.......
When the road collapses....
When everything seems impossible
When u can't see anything ahead

It was like a nightmare........nothing but a nightmare......

Maybe it was the worst thing that happened to me.....I don't know........in the past..I was prepared for those marks.......I was not surprised by my bad marks.....

But this time.......it was my last chance......and I blew it........

Everything......everything seems dark.........

Nothing.......nothing will be the same.......


These wounds won't seem to heal........this pain is just too real......there's just too much that time CAN NOT ERASE........

it feels so bad to feel bad.......

it's one of those times when u wish that there was no tomorrow........ if it could only end right here and right now.......oh how sweet that would have been.....

but that will not happen...... and life or whatever it is must go on..........

hopeless........helpless.......

Can we come up with a conclusion?

And you listen and listen and listen.....

You think about it........ fail to come up with any conclusions.........so u listen more........but still........no conclusion.........why are they so different? Or maybe I should say why am I so different?

The answer to that is very obvious but it's not that interesting... so I won't be writing it here.......

You try to put all the observations together......and u do........but then....... still no conclusion.........it's a big mask that he is wearing........not necessarily a bad one......just one to hide behind...... most people seem to be like that these days........except for.........well except for me.......if you ask me about me I will tell you everything.........without hesitating......there's not much to say..........but I will say it all....... and in the end......when I'm done.......... I feel vulnerable.......... it's like being naked......again not in a bad way..... but you have put yourself out there........and let people, who might be no more than some strangers to you, to see through you.......and just when you think that they will get closer to you and give you a hand.........they leave you.........leave you standing there........wondering.........with no conclusion.........

I personally don't have a problem with telling people about who I am..... sometimes I say too much.......sometimes it feels disgusting because I feel like people can see more than they should..... and they're no more than strangers..... and I think maybe I shouldn't have told them too much...... but the time has passed...... and at the same time I feel like I don't mind it so much.........why should I hide? just because everyone else is hiding from you and me........and themselves.......doesn't mean that I should do the same........does it? Well, I don't think so........and maybe that's why I feel like I'm different......

It's very hard to look at people and decide about who they are these days......

Let's just blame it on the mask!

Tell me what do you see? YES i've lost my mind!

And there I was......... with my mouth open........ my hands shaking...... standing there in disbelief.........

The highest mark was 35 .....and the lowest 25....... I was so nervous....... I didn't pay attention to the lecture at all..........I probably got 28........ that's what I thought in my head........ until I got it back............my eyes could not believe........it was like a death sentence.......... between all the people in that class.........I was the only one retaking the course........and the only one getting the lowest mark..........

I mean am I really that stupid? am I dumb? I dont know what I am anymore......... but I'm starting to believe.....I knew that I was crazy...... after a while I started to believe that I am not as smart as I once was.... but today....... it was more than I could handle.....to be the worst.......that's just not something that I'd ever expected.........

I dont know what to do anymore.........I'm as discouraged as ever.........and I just want to.......... and rest in peace....... but that's not possible.........I can promise myself to try harder next time........

it's like getting raped and believing that it won't happen again..........

I will have nightmares about it........ this will hunt me forever......... to be the worst.......that's just not something that I ever expected myself to be......... NEVER in my life did I think that a day would come when I would think this low of myself........ the low of the lowest

may god help me

:

Advising.........

So this is what u have to do........

1st ........2nd..........3rd..........

People like to give you advice........ they think that they're helping you..... they tell you about the things that they have done in the past .......and what has worked and what has not......... sometimes the positive things give you some inspiration that lasts for about an hour or so before placing itself at the back of your mind........and sometimes it disappears instantly.......

for me ..... I hate to take advice from people........ I consider myself a "know it all".........eventhough I listen to people and nod like I'm very interested in what they're telling me....... I don't really care....... The next day my life will go on as what it was the day before or the week before..... it's hard for me to put my thoughts into action........not hard ......almost impossible.......... and that's what I need..... I need someone to somehow help me do the things that I plan to do......... not by just telling me..... I donnow how they can help........ because I don't like to be under pressure either...... hmm... I'm basically.....hopeless :D .........LOL

anywayz........ it's very hard to try to run the extra mile just to get back to where you were at first........it's not worth the effort......but you do it anywayz........ just to satisfy yourself....... and give yourself the false hope that you did do something........ it just didn't work........

hmmmmmmmm...that's all for now............ I'm in a depression state maybe...... there are some things in my life that are priority....... but this education problem is poking it all along and the fact that I can't take care of the priority bugs me at times.....but whatever.........it's life and ........ life must go on :)

CIAO