Horrible!

Say it in Spanish......... roll the Rrr... lol... (yes. it's a Spanish word too!)

Anyways........that's how I feel these days....... in addition to my "cold" or whatever it is that's making me so darn tired, I feel so empty...... there is absolutely nothing that excites me.....I've turned into an old and bitter girl.... lol... ok... maybe not so old..... but definitely not happy these days at all....... and I'm worried that it's going to affect the most important thing that I'll be doing in the next few weeks...... my interview..... I need to find the energy to prepare for that...... I really hope that I do....... I pray that I do........ I will be a much happier person by the end of March, regardless of what happens!

for now...... I'm just tired, sick, confused, exhausted, numb and empty!

ciao for now

wish me luck!

Can't stop thinking about it.....

Well ........I can......but my subconscious can't...... which is I think why I've been so freaking tired in the past week......... I'm constantly sleepy..... or it could be because of the flue.... je ne sais pas! Anyways....... the anticipation may eventually kill me........ if that happens, know that I was happy with the decision that I made lol..... definitely not in the short run... but in the long run......... I have to stop running away......

What I'm great at is asking for advice...

What I suck at is listening to advice...

I feel a little better.......

I had to apologize to myself today for making me go through this...... it has literally driven me to the point of craziness....... but I have good news for you.... it will all be over before the new year..... which means that I will know about what will happen to me in less than 3 weeks!!! This was just a lot to do/adjust to...... but I did it..... won't look back..... did it the best way possible.....

If it was any other person, I doubt that they'd have done what I did......

No pain, no gain......

I have to try.......

Shall not give up....

Will not give up.....

You whaaaaaaaaaa?

That's right!

I'm not going anymore........ go ahead and call me crazy! But wait...... I'm not crazy.......

I'm taking a risk....... for the first time in my life I'm taking a risk!

I know that this doesn't just affect me...... the manager who hired me and trusted in me is going to be very mad........ I haven't contacted him yet.... but will....... first thought about calling..... but not sure if I have the courage to do it.......

Up until this morning I had my moments of doubt wondering why I'm going......
Now I'm wondering why I'm staying.....

I guess I'm just the type of person who will never be happy regardless......

Which takes me to the conclusion that I had come to a long time ago: I need to see a counselor!

Anyways........I'm so scared of e-mailing him.......he's been so nice to me....... hate to make him mad........

But I'll do it.......

And hopefully I'll get the job......

Oh...... by the way.......if you're still reading, the reason why I made this decision is because my manager told me that there'll be an internal position for the job that I've been waiting for since I started posted within the next 1-2 weeks..... and that's for sure!

Must be patient.......

Tanhaa to raa miparastam va tanha az to yaari mikhaaham........

You know what I mean.......

Please make me be happy with my decision....... please let this be the right decision.......... which I already think it is..........because I had asked you to help me make the right choice........ thank you....... so thankful..........still in shock........... SO THANKFUL though.........

what touches me the most in a person?

(touch= emotionally not physically lol)

a kind gesture! it's so powerful ...... need more of that in this world!

How did you spend your valentine's day?

By creeping on ppl's fb page........ lol..... well just for a little bit........ now I'm gonna go read some poetry out loud..... ( I don't know which one is worse? the creeping or the second one?)

life has made me really tired....... so am gonna just relax for tonight..... that will be my present to myself.... caz I love myself........ happy valentine's day :)

ps I'm happier than I was a week ago.... no more crying..... at least for now......I'm kinda excited to (shhh don't tell anyone)..... as I always say: any change is good change........ at least the anticipation and the first few days....... once it's over you gotta look for another one ;)

anyways........ I'm so dead tired....... maybe because I got my . today too...... good thing I'm not in a relationship otherwise I'd have been pissed lol........ gngt!

Ask and you shall receive.......

I WANT TO BE BACK HERE, WITH A PERMANENT JOB THAT I WILL LIKE, IN LESS THAN 1 YEAR (BY SEPTEMBER) ....... PLEASE AND THANK YOU......

and of course....... I want love.....

Step 1) I have a problem

I just know that I do!

I've said it before and I say it again.... and moving back and forth between two provinces is not gonna make it go away lol

so tired...... dont even wanna cry.......don't wanna think....... just wanna go to sleeeeeeep... gngt

plz god help me feel some certainty in the decisions that I make

Big dreams.... low self confidence.....

Are they just going to hand me a permanent job? No!

So what's going to happen?

I don't know......

I've taken a mini step.......

Feeling really sad :(

I don't know how I'm ever going to hand in my resignation letter!

It's too hard!

I'll do it on Thursday.....not tomorrow..............

I just keep crying whenever I think of handing in the letter..... how am I going to walk away from so much love? I know that they are spoiling me...... and I want to be free...... but it seems so wrong....... their desperate looks...... their so very kind hearts....... it just hurts so much!

Once again I ask for help...

God help me get the courage to do the right thing.......

Are you really moving?

Yes, I think I am.....

I haven't officially handed in my letter of resignation..... just got the official job offer on Friday..... need to do that on Tuesday....... so far have paid for half of the rent for the first month...... haven't bought a ticket yet..... why are there no cheap direct flights anymore?!!!

Anyway.......... PLEASE HELP ME DO THE RIGHT THINGS....... AND PLEASE HELP THE RIGHT THINGS HAPPEN AT THE RIGHT TIME........ THANKS!

Uh oh....I'm f***ed up again.....

So he's in a bad mood this weekend...... he thinks nobody really cares about him..... he likes to go and live alone by himself in the nature... hearing him say those things made me really concerned ...... on the one hand I get it.... on the other hand I wish I could help him....I'm his daughter for god's sake... why can't I show any love and compassion? God knows that I love my parents so much..... I just can't show it.... they're both SO kind and amazing..... which is another reason why I think I need to see a "counselor" or a psychologist.... one of the reasons why I'm ok with going away is because I think that I have a LOT MORE growing up to do .... and my parents do SPOIL me to the point that I am not in need of anyone else's love or attention..... but at the end of the day I think that they are "tricking" me ...... not that what they do is not sincere.... because it is..... that I'm sure of.... but I can't just be a machine that goes to work and comes home and does nothing..... I NEED TO have friends...... and perhaps even a boyfriend....not that they're against it..... but I haven't found either yet! Am I running away? I really don't want to think of it that way but I think I am in a way running away..... it's going to be another fresh start...... need to make a good impression.... #1 rule: be powerful!

so yes, beside the many other things that I need to do: I NEED TO see a psychiatrist! I just can't figure everything out by myself...... just simply can't!

Realization #10001

Sad/interesting reality

I can be a leader..... I can be a great leader..... but not with the white people...... go figure that out!

And by leader I don't mean the leader of the nation lol..... I'm talking about management positions...

I don't know how to stop being intimidated by them!!! Just don't know how

Nemikhaam dar be dareh picho khameh in jaaddeh sham, vaisa donya... man mikham piade sham...

So apparently I'm moving back in 3 weeks...... for real........ I think....... well I've accepted the job offer but still have a tiny little hope that they will offer me another position at CMHC

I get really scared when I think about how much more growing up I have to do

BTW my family is not happy....... they are all sad...... I don't like living here...... as much as I LOVE my family I don't get the way they live life..... as much as I'm thankful..... which I really really am A LOT..... I don't get it...... working 5 days a week just to pay the bills in not a way of life......

I love my parents........they still treat me like a baby..... literally....... with love...... affection..... food....... shelter....... I don't have to do a single thing when I'm home and I HATE THAT.... it's not their fault.... I just get really lazy when I start living with them....... they show the true meaning of unconditional love... it's scary...... but god knows how much I love them.........

In a way, moving there excites me because of the challenge..... but I'm afraid in a few months I'll be back on the same boat..... missing this city and family and wanting to come back......