Do's and Don'ts

As an "almost" 21 year old who is considered a smart enough person, I shall do the following for the next 17 days, until Dec. 14th.

#1) Do not log into Y!
#2) Do NOT log into ORKUT
#3) Do not log into MSN

Things that I could think about instead....

1) Jobs
2) Dentistery
3) Life in the next 5 monthes
4) Getting my DL
5) GETTING A's ..... make my average a B+ for this term.......... doable? YES
6)sleep at 10 p.m. and wake up at 5:00 a.m.

as an extra bonus I'm going to allow myself to use this place to EMPTY the many many MANY ideas / thoughts that come across in my mind...... after all I'll need at least myself to dardo del with .....

ghadreh hezar ta panjareh
tanhaayi avaz mikhoonam
daram ba ki harf mizanam?
nemidoonam, nemidoonam
in roozaa donyaa vaaseh man
az khoonamoon koochiktareh
kaash mitoonestam bekhoonam
ghadre hezar taa panjareh
TOLOOEH MAN, TOLOOEH MAN
vaghti ghoroob par bezaneh
mogheyeh raftaneh maneh

ey azizeh deleh MAN (mageh inke khodam khodamo tahvil begiram!)

mikhaam toro baa zendegieh VAAGHEYI aashnaa konam.......

there're gonna be no more strangers to run to in the stupid chatrooms when u are :( (which is 99.99999% of the time?)

try to be strong......... I'm sure u can survive through it

midooni........vaghti ke fekresho mikonam mibinam az avvalesh khodam boodam o khodam....... hich kas ....... yani HICH KAS.... delesh beh haaleh man nasookhte o nakhaahad sookht..vaghti ke DAAGHOON boodam tanhaa kasi ke komakam kard KHODAM boodam.....khodamo KHODAAYEH khodam.........

man mitoonam behtar az in baasham........ageh bekhaam mitoonam.........

alaan mikhaam........ pas MITOONAM..........

and I don't need no-one's help but GOD's..........

hameh adam haa cruel va selfish hastan va haazer nistan baa maneh badakhlaagh kenaar biaan :D ..... honestly hoseleyeh hishkaso nadaram......... oonaayi am ke man hoselashoono daaram hoseleh mano nadaran............

3 taayeh avvalo.......... ageh betoonam nakonam.....ta 14 dec... I'll be so proud of myself......... It'll be hard......... I promise not to........ and I promise not to break my promise.

اسپانيايي ها ميگن : "عشق ساكت است اما اگر حرف بزند از هر صدايي بلندتر است ...

ايتاليايي ها ميگن: "عشق يعني ترس از دست دادن تو !" ....

ايراني ها ميگن : "عشق سوء تفاهمي است بين دو احمق كه با يك ببخشيد تمام ميشود

Surrounded by angels.......

I was verrrrrrrrrry happy this morning

like really really happy.........something that only happens to me ONCE IN A BLUE MOON.......

if I've been happy 10 times in my life this was one of them...... :D

now I'm just like meh...... I'm not sad yet... like any other time......I'm not back in my mood ........not YET........

so I'm trying to enjoy every moment of it while it lasts.......

THANK U GOD

:)

قفل شده ام . دیگر نه می توانم بگویم نه می توانم بنویسم نه می توانم حسی را منتقل کنم نه می توانم ارتباط بگیرم نه می توانم زندگی کنم نه می توانم آرام و شاد ادامه دهم . همه چیز به ناگهانی و شدت عجیبی سقوط می کند و من مثل آدم های گنگ که نه صدایی می شنوند و نه قادرند با فریادی کسی را به کمک بطلبند مثل آدم های کور که از ندیدن دچار اضطراب می شوند . مثل آدم های خسته - بی نهایت خسته - که توان دفاع از خود را در هر شرایطی از دست داده اند . مثل آدم های بریده که دست می کشند مثل آدم هایی که وقت هایی که می خندند آنقدر حالشان بد است که هر لحظه احتمال این می رود که وسط قهقه ها شروع به خودزنی کنند .. مثل آدم هایی که از دست می دهند به تابعی نزولی تبدیل شده اند که از دست می دهند ادامه می دهم . احساس می کنم زندانی شده ام . دلم می خواست فرار می کردم و در تنهایی توی غاری توی تونلی توی درختی آنقدر می ماندم تا همه از بازگشتم ناامید می شدند و من هم از عذاب وجدان نگران کردن آنها که دوستم دارند خلاص می شدم و بعد به یک همیشه رونده تبدیل می شدم که هیچ ماندگاری در کارم نباشد


واقعیت همیشه خیلی دیر خودش را نشان می دهد . غریب ترین تفاوت میان خوشبختی و شادی این است که خوشبختی جامد است و شادی مایع

Gilmoure Girls.....

I was watching one of its episodes today......and the girl with the single mom was turning 21....and her grand parents threw her a very GRANDE FIESTA which was very nice.....and they invited all of her friends........

and then I got sad.......I'm going to turn 21 in exactly 1 monthes and 17 days......how the time flies by with a blink of an eye...... I remember at the age of 17 I cried because I was very upset about the fact that I was turning to that age and never had had a BF........ haha.........and now......... well I'm a lot maturer so I don't think I'd actually sit down and cry because of that....I have other things to worry about! and not having a bf is just one of them.........

why do all my writings here turn out to be about (L)....... I'm honestly tired about that...... 'cause to be HONEST with u I can not see it happening any time soon......let's face it .........I'm at school right now........ a big school... where no one knows anyone......... + go to work where we have a lot of gay people......+ will be a lot busier next semester with my "new plan" of doing a "khafan studying" .... so no time for no love..........

so I was thinking.........how do I get my head to turn around ....... ehem that's impossible.......
ok.........

how do I get my thoughts to turn around from a "relationship" down hole ( i just created this word) ....... to an academic one.........

I mean like seriously..........what's the point of thinking about something that, as I explained, will NOT .....I repeat.. WILL NOT be happening any time soon....... after all, the sky can not just open up and throw (L) into my arms....... SO yes...... I do realize that I have to be patient ( hmm do I )

let's say this in another way...........

I want my self to REALIZE that I need to be PATIENT..........

be patient

be patient

be patient.........

ok..........

I need someone's help but since I have no friends and am currently accepting any "friendships" I'm not gonna recieve any help........

hmm.. that's kinda sad......

u know what..... I wish there was someone .....or some people who I could go study with.......... and then have fun with (maybe on the weekends)...........

I honestly don't know any people that are like that.... most of my "friends" ( the people that I make the effort and time to talk to) are anti- geeks........ and the fact that I like being a geek makes me anti - my friends...... which in the end doesn't turn out very well!

hmmmmmmmm... anywayz.......

so as a summary:

1) I'm turning 21 soon
2) don't want to think about (L) anymore
3) need to end my friendships........
4) need something else to replace my friends with
5) DETERMINATION

yes ....... I need a very very VERRRRRRRRRRRRRRY high determination........ in order to succeed in what I'm about to do I need to be sure that I can do it........ and I need to analyze all the obstacle that I might encounter in the near future....... and need to know how to deal with them.........

I know that I can get there.. I know that it can happen........I'm sure that it can happen.........

yes....... IT WILL HAPPEN.......

yes........I WILL GET TO WHERE I WANT ...........

yes.........all my efforts WILL PAY OFF......

yes.........I'm GOING TO SUCCEED.....

yes..........I'm going to be the BEST..............

need a plan.........but it's 11 at night right now and ..........I really need to get some sleep cause this brain of mine ain't functionin no more............

so yea.............

CIAO for NOW

Catch the ball!

Life throws a lot of balls at you every day.......

Try to catch them all.......yes I mean ALL........ be aware of what's coming at you.....do NOT ignore it..........

catch it

love it

live it

give it back

or keep it

that's how it should work...... the only hard part is to decide which ones to keep and which ones to throw back.......

be careful not to get hit in the face........ keep your eyes open......

if one of the balls slips out of your hand do not panick......let it go.....even if it's your favorite one..... believe in fate..... don't bend down to pick it up because your hands are full........and you might drop another ball......or miss one that's coming to you at that moment.......

--------------------------------------

I'm happy for him........they look so good together...........and I think that this time they're going to last forever...........

anyways....... I finally figured what to do..........I'm going to erase a face......and leave it blank....... after all........that face was never meant to be on the frame that was titled US....... there was no US.......

blank........yes it was erased today....from my mind........still haven't found the one I'm looking for :)

determination........is what will help me through this path........ being the best that I can is not an option........it's mandatory........ if I don't do it this time........ I will fail my life.........

god......... HELP ME

Che kasi baavar kard?
Jangaleh jaaneh maraa aatasheh eshgheh to khaakestar kard.........

Che kasi khaahad did mordanam raa bi TO?

vaay khodaayeh man......aslan haalam khoob nist..farda emtehan daaram hanooz hichi nakhoondam........ midooni kheyli moshkeleh keh yeh nafar mesleh man say koneh betooneh AADAM baasheh........ hich shebaahati be adamayeh digeh nadaram..vali baavar kon daaram sa'y mikonam! BAAVAR KON!

Living around a bunch of vampires.....

You probably think that I'm going crazy etc.

But don't judge me so fast......first listen to what I have to say and then you'll understand why I think of you as a vampire :D

ok..... I've started to call people who have loved/lost a vampire.... after they lose their first love they become so cold hearted and their heart will never feel the same about anyone......because no love is like the first love........ SPECIALLY if the person whom they were in love with FOR THE FIRST TIME has cheated on them....... after that they become like vampires who are looking around to find innocent people and make them like themselves...... so they can just fool around and have fun with one another.....no emotions involved......

innocence ........ it's lost some time before the age of 20........ so don't be mad at me if I tell u that I'm too old....... I'm only 21 ........but the chances of me ever finding "the one" is slim to none.......so why even try? I just have to find the right vampire :D .. lol ......that sounds so scary but so true!

STARTING OVER.....

BACK ON TRACK ..........


coming soon......

you know what?

I'm not sure if this is gonna help my mind settle or not but I'm gonna give it a try anywayz......

ur probably tired of my "momentary love stories" but I just can't help myself!

I mean .......it's sooooo scray because I have no idea how I should feel and what kind of things I should feel ..and when to stop??????

ok I'm gonna give u an example........ there is another persian guy at my work.. ( I donnow if u remember or not but I'd told u that there's this guy at work that I like.......and after a while we went to the library together.....and I realized that I dont like him in that way at all!!) ... well ... there is this other guy that FOR NO REASON i'm attracted to.....it's probably because he hasn't shown much interest yet..He keeps flirting and stuff... and my innocent mind gets fooled and starts feeling things that it should NOT be feeling........

so here's my situation right now...... I haven't talked to P for 5-6 days........ she hasn't called me and I don wanna call her because I'm trying to stop myself from thinking that I should always be the one who initiates the friendships/ conversations/ etc.

anywayz.......NO I WON'T call her....and to be honest with u I don't miss her that much......it's probably because of this new guy and the people at work ........ I also have so much on my mind right now....the thing is that I want to get my focus back on life..I mean school...and stopppppppp ... like seriously stop with the thought of having a love / friendship/ relationship etc. ......... I honestly want to make myself stop.......and I'm mad that this guy at work is distracting me....( at the same time happy..because after all it is exciting to think about (L) !!! duh!!! ) ........ he's definately not an ideal match........ NO NO noo he is NOT....... he has way to many friends ...and he is one of those people who comes from a totally dif world than mine.......

I'm so confused .... I want to quit work so I won't see him again..... I do like him..and I do miss him ...... but I'M SURE it's because of the desperation and the need of having someone in my life who I can talk to ........... YOU WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND how it feels to NOT HAVE any 1 AT ALL........ have u ever imagined urself ALONE? like have u ever felt like u have no one ...not a single soul that u can talk to when u get bored etc.??? I'm SURE your answer is no because no one in the world is as lonely as I am.......... it's my own fault....................

it scares me to get close to people..........because if I get close to them I get used to them... and knowing PEOPLE I know that they do leave u .......and they probably don't care that much because they are not LONELY like ME and don't have this much LOVE trapped in themselves.....sometimes I feel like I want to EXPLODE ...... you have NO IDEA how it feels like to have so much love and not give it to anyone....... no ONE ..........yes I'm SURE no ONE deserves to have it..........because no one is like me....... and the ones that are are way to weird.......

so...........conclusion? I honestly can't make a conclusion out of this one.....

ALL EYES ON ME........that's what I need......A LOT OF ATTENTION......... and no one has the time or the heart to do that for me..... and NO .........I'M NOT WILLING TO start a friendship with someone who can't do that.......

ok? comprende? aight.........GOOD LUCK TO ME

One of the most impportant lessons that u learn in life =

Don't give a f*** about ur friends because they're the ones who hurt you the most in the end! And YES believe me...there is an end!

؟آن زمان كه خبر مرگ مرا ميشنوي
روي خندان تو را كاشكي ميديدم
شانه بالا زدنت را بي قيد
و تكان دادن دستت كه مهم نيست زياد
و تكان دادن سركه ...
"aaghebat mord ... AFSOOS"

KAASHKI MIDIDAM

Cheraa baayad vaghti khooneyeh delet matrookeh vaase dar zadan baazam donbale ye bahoone gasht?

I'm sorry but I'll be leaving you ( me? ) for a while!

I'll be trying to do something new.......maybe not so new ... back to what it was before...before the.......

yea... anywayz

trying to make it right....... I know that it won't be what I want it to be but at least I'll be leaving behind something that was never there........I was trying to see the invisible....... well not anymore!

I'm not gonna be looking for PEOPLE anymore....I'll be focusing on something else......YAP that's right........ I won't make the same mistake again.........

I CAN NOT want something that is not there!

now I BELIEVE that!

In the end you always go to the one who's shown u the most care and love!

But if love is the only thing that ur relationship is based on it will never work!

I tell you why..... because there will come a day when the high amount of (L) decreases and that's when u wonder what else it is that's keeping u together......

Attraction = VERY important!

CLEANSED

:)

Sh*t ...that is such a fake smile.......well i donnow.. right now I'm very stressed out.......I mean I could be very stressed out... or maybe I should say I "should" be very stressed out........ I'm totally like back to where I was at the end of the summer when I didnt know what the hell I it was that I wanedt to do! and now I haven't thought about what I want to do in so long that I've almost forgotton my GOAL...... N*** migoft movaazeb baash HADAFETO gom nakoniaa... hey maa behesh khandidim.........

anywayz.... umm yea...so I was supposed to register to retake some of the courses that I'd got C / c- in for the january term.. but SURPRISINGLY/ AMAZINGLY/ SHOCKINGLY ( is that even a word?) I have done NADA about it... and nada in spanish means NOTHING... soo... u see where I'm going with this.........

but that :) at the begining migh have not been that fake after all ... I'm happy because I think I'm going somewhere with my lil plan... nowhere special...but it has to happen before I make a conclusion.......so .......... TO BE CONTINUED........

oh and before I forget .......... THANK YOU GOD ........ :X

Quote

"Our desires always disappoint us; for though we meet with something that gives us satisfaction, yet it never thoroughly answers our expectations."

Tarmimeh Vojood........

Ah ah ... cheghad in ahangaayeh gheyreh eshghi sar dard aavaro bi ma'ni hastan......

Vali unfortunately I have to listen to them for a while......

mesleh sharbateh badmazeh mimooneh ke baayad be zoor khord taa khoob shod....

I'm trying to clean my room but there's so much clothes that........

It just seems impossible to make this room clean........ like many other things that are impossible.....

vaay man dobareh daram inja ziad minevisam...

BYE

عجب صبری خدا دارد
اگر من جای او بودم
همان یک لحظه اول
که اول ظلم را میدیدم از مخلوق بی وجدان
جهانرا با همه زشتی و زیبائی
به روی یکدگر ، ویرانه میکردم
***

عجب صبری خدا دارد
اگر من جای او بودم
که در همسایه صدها گرسنه
چند بزمی گرم عیش و نوش میدیدم
نخستین نعرهء مستانه را خاموش آندم
بر لب پیمانه میکردم
***

عجب صبری خدا دارد
اگر من جای او بودم
که میدیدم یکی عریان و لرزان
دیگری پوشیده از صد جامه رنگین
زمین و آسمان را واژگون ، مستانه میکردم
***

عجب صبری خدا دارد
اگر من جای او بودم
نه طاعت می پذیرفتم
نه گوش از بهر استغفار این بیدادگرها تیز کرده
پاره پاره در کف زاهد نمایان
سبحه صد دانه میکردم
***

عجب صبری خدا دارد
اگر من جای او بودم
برای خاطر تنها یکی مجنون صحراگرد بی سامان
هزاران لیلی ناز آفرین را کو به کو
آواره و دیوانه میکردم
***

عجب صبری خدا دارد
اگر من جای او بودم
به گرد شمع سوزان دل عشاق سرگردان
سراپای وجود بی وفا معشوق را
پروانه میکردم
***

عجب صبری خدا دارد
اگر من جای او بودم
به عرش کبریائی با همه صبر خدائی
تا که میدیدم عزیز نابجائی ناز بر یک ناروا گردیده خواری میفروشد
گردش این چرخ را
وارونه ، بی صبرانه میکردم
***

عجب صبری خدا دارد
اگر من جای او بودم
که میدیدم مشوش ، عارف و عامی
ز برق فتنه این علم عالم سوز مردم کش
بجز اندیشه عشق و وفا ، معدوم هر فکری
در این دنیای پر افسانه میکردم
***

عجب صبری خدا دارد
چرا من جای او باشم
همین بهتر که او خود جای خود بنشسته و تاب تماشای تمام زشتکاری های این مخلوق را دارد
و گر نه من به جای او چو بودم
یکنفس کی عادلانه سازشی
با جاهل و فرزانه میکردم
عجب صبری خدا دارد
عجب صبری خدا دارد

***********

خداوندا آرامشی عطا فرما تا بپزیرم آنچه را نمی توانم تغییر دهم ....صداقتی تا تغییر دهم آنچه را که می توانم....و درکی که تفاوت این دو را بفهمم

vaay khodaayeh man
baavaram nemishe...... ke hanoozam enghadddddddddr kholam

akhe midooni in joor chizaa tamoom shodan nadaareh ... yani vaaghean man tanha kasi hastam ke khodamo dark mikonam..........

man kheyli kholam .. kheyli.......... bayad ye fekri be haaleh khodam bokonam va eyla badbakht misham

help me FORGET ......


:(