:) :-|

I don't know why recently nothing really feels right!

Not the relationship

Not the job

Not the new place that I'm going to move to....

I will get some answers by the end of October..... wish I could fast forward!

For now I'm just going to live life one day at a time!

Yay! Certainty

Dear God,

Thank you for giving me some clarity so I can make an important decision of my life with certainty. 

I will be a fool if I ever go back to him... and a fool I am not!

Gngt

And thank u for everything else :) 

I'm going to stay positive and hope for the best......

KHODAYA SHOKRET

kheyli too in chand rooz baraam sakht boodeh....

vali belakhareh kami daram be aramesh miresam...

Khodaya movazebeh khanevadam baash! I LOVE THEM SO MUCH AND MISS THEM SO MUCH

I want my mommy!

It's true!

I don't want to stay in Ottawa for long as much as I didn't want to stay in Vancouver last year when I went back!

I WANT MY MOMMY

I MISS MY FAMILY

FOOD

Just ate the same food for the 4th day...... made it on Monday night and now it's Friday.... let's hope I don't get any food poisoning!

Spent more than $100 on clothing last week so I had to somehow balance it out.....

At the moment I've spent about $60 since Sunday which is not too bad...... hopefully won't spend that much more until Sunday......(cost of food: for 5 4 days = $16..... $4 per day... not bad eh?)

Be fekreh oon kasi ke nist....

Shayad ham dar kol vojood nadaashte baasheh!

hey tanhaayi, bi sedaayi, az tekraar tarsidam
zakhmo dardaa, tars az fardaa, be poochi residam

baa to faraamoosham, misheh vaaseyeh hamisheh, dastaayeh sardam
baa to faraamoosham misheh vaaseyeh hamisheh, tarakaayeh ghalbam

mano bebar az virooni
az abraayeh baarooni
to harfaayeh nagoftamo midooni

mano bebar az virooni
az abraayeh baarooni
to harfaayeh nagoftamo midooni

az in koocheh
baa to miram
chon toyi masiram....

hesseh khorshid
sobheh omid
too dastaat joon migiram

baa to faraamoosham
mishe vaaseyeh hamisheh
dastaayeh sardam

baa to faraamoosham
misheh vaaseyeh hamisheh
tarakaayeh ghalbam

mano bebar az virooni
az abraayeh baarooni
to harfaayeh nagoftamo midooni....

گذشتم از تن تو زانکه در جهان تنی نبود مقصد نیاز من!!!!

گذشتم از تن تو زانکه در جهان 
تنی نبود مقصد نیاز من 
اگر بسویت این چنین دویده ام 
به عشق عاشقم نه بر وصال تو 
به ظلمت شبان بی فروغ من 
خیال عشق خوشتر از خیال تو 

can I just disappear and be digged out... wait ... be ONLY digged out if the results I get on this exam are positive?!

I'm so BLUH

Haven't even heard about the job I'm supposed to get!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The balcony on the 24th floor is awfully attractive.....

:D Just kidding!!!

But Grrrrrrrr what was that????? I hope I get 60% It's POSSIBLE

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaauh

suddenly craving for salsa with chips! or pizza ... or poutine...... or something really salty and unhealthy!!!!

Since I don't have any of it I will just go to bed......

G night!

Bluh

In che hessieh?

Khodamam nemidoonam!

Ehsaas mikonam be ye keshi vasl shodam ke baa har ettefaagheh ajibo gharibe jadid
hey keshideh tar misheh o yeki az in rooza dar mireh o man be yek jaayeh kheyli
door partaab misham!

Hesseh ajibieh...... ba'daz in hameh moddat belakhare vaghte neveshtaneh in emtehane
ke ehsaas mikonam sar neveshtamo behesh gereh zadan vali enghad mitarsamo nemikham betarsam ke hich hesse khassi nadaaram!

Dar moredeh eshgho alaaghe am be in "pesareh" mitoonam begam beyne 0 ta 25 (az sad) baalaa o payin mireh!

Vaghti hich hessi baraash nadaram pas baraayeh chi?

Vaghean tanha chizi ke mitoonam begam ine ke haalo roozeh mano in rooza naporsid!!!!

Dar haaleh peida kardane khooneye jadide movaghati ham dobareh hastam!!!!

bye for now!

oh inam mikhaastam begam

tarjobeye dirooze man mesle tajrobeyeh zendegieh in roozaayeh maneh:

nemidoonam chera, vali tamaameh diroozamo sarfe peida kardane addresse ye khooneyi ye jayeh door kardamo sa'y kardam khodamo convince konam ke in khoone behtarin jaa baraayeh mane chon fekr mikardam, garche kami door, vali ghashango cozy baasheh baa saabkhooneyi ke fekr mikardam baraayeh man shayad shansi bashe bara gereftaneh kare idealam.....

Hameyeh inaaro FEKR MIKARDAM

vaghti vaghte raftano didan shod, 2 saat too raah boodam va dar akhar be yek khooneye zeshte door oftaade baa saabkhooneyeh ajib gharib residam ke ye sageh koor ham too khoonash dashto baraayeh bargasht ham 45 deghe montazere otoboos boodamo 1 saat too raah!!!!

Chizi ke fekr mikardam kheyli mikhaam, vaghti behesh belakhare residam kamelan baraxe ooni bood ke tasavvor mikardam!

Omidvaram tasmimaayeh mohemme zendegim kheyli shabih be in tajrobe nabaashand! vali baaz ham in tajrobe haalo rooze in roozaye mano khoob tafsir mikoneh!

:-|

So after the long wait my exam will be this Thursday!!!!!!

They only give me 2 days to prepare!

Maybe it's better this way......

This time it's actually a written exam......

I don't have any feelings about it... I didn't even get happy when I saw the e-mail..... or maybe I did but didn't feel like it lol....

So...... my whole life depends on a 3 hour exam.....

Oh wait.... I had decided not to think about it that way.....

But this is my dream....... that's all I know!

Good night!

I didn't know why....

But now I do!

Which confirms the fact that I have never been in love!

haha :)

It's good to be FREE

Send a message that you deserve positive behavior ONLY and that’s what you’ll begin to attract!

Silence can be golden in the right circumstances. But silence also sends a message to the Universe that you’re willing to tolerate intolerable behavior. Speak up! 

Read more: http://blog.beliefnet.com/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat/2010/06/law-of-attraction-in-action-silence.html#ixzz2cKvphVXH

in alaan yani chi?

I can not explain my feelings.....maybe because there are no feelings involved!
So what was that?

It's a REALLY good feeling when someone who is somewhat attractive is into you
But what if you are not into them?
Have you ever wanted to be with someone just because they are "into you" even if you found nothing in common to talk about? Silence and attraction!
How long can something like this last for?
Why should it even be continued?!

Do you understand my confusion?

I need to restart in another city or my own city

I'm really bored with this place and have no interests in staying here in the long term unless I find my ideal job here!

Just want to sign the d*mn contract and so I can see how long more I have to be here!

I MISS MY FAMILY

Update

So I got a temporary job with almost a minimum wage...... but still happy and thankful.....

Now I just have to wait and see how the rest of it unfolds......

I'll sign the contract in a few days....and that's when I'll find out about how long it will be!

I've put myself in an "indifferent" mode.....

Just living for now......

And recently I've experienced a new "phase" which was interesting! ;)

What will happen on Saturday?

Not sure!

Too many mosquito bites!!!

GRRRR

ok I'm gonna go to bed..... but FYI I'm not happy! :-| Make the itching stop!!!!

feeling good....

I have learned that these horrible feelings don't last for more than a couple of days if you try to forget.....
Forgetting, I tried
Forgetting, I did lol

(That's bad grammar right there!)

THANK YOU GOD

GIVE ME THE STRENGTH TO GO ON

PEACE

BAYAD RAFT JOLO..... MA MITOONIM (yes, this is going to be what I write at the end of all my posts for the next little while to remind myself that BAYAD RAFT JOLO.... )

today was a great day....

Tomorrow's a new day........

Waiting......

SO SLEEPY....NEED to PEE

g night!

The 3 words that are more powerful than I LOVE YOU

I MISS YOU

aslan shenidane in se kalame adamo daghoon mikoneh!

lol :) but it's true! :)

ps

aadam nabaayad bandeyeh havaa o havas besheh! bayad az maghzesh estefaadeh koneh! Kheyli nazdik bood.... shayad dobare ettefagh biofte.....vali be ehtemale ziad na!

Tajrobeye jaalebi bood baraayeh man...... manam yek zanam..... manam ehsaas daaram.... vali az maghzam ham estefaadeh mikonam!

Baavar kon baavar kon.... tanhaayi yek raazeh.....

Today did not go as I planned.....
I didn't get the message or text message that I was waiting for.....
I didn't want it to happen that much anyways... I did yesterday, but not today.....
So it's all for the best....

What am I turning into?

I'm glad it didn't happen!

Khodaayaa, maraa be raahe raast hedaayat kon

I cried a little bit today... I feel better.... in 4-5 days my life will have a little more certainty... let's say by next Saturday I will be making a lot of decisions....

Where is my therapist? I may need her next week! lol ...

Anyways....I'm fine..... just bored.....so I'm gonna go for a walk....

Every girl needs a red lipstick.....I've lost mine!

ps. just finished watching the movie sangeh sabooor.... ehsase khassi nesbat behesh nadaram....vali badamam nayoomad

haminjoori.....

vaay bar man
gar to aan gomkardeh am baashi
ke rah doorast beyneh maa

ke in soo
ke in soo pirmardist baa sepidi haayeh moo
va hezaaraan baar mordan ranj bordan
baa khami dar ghaamat az in raahe doshvaar

ke in soo
dast haa khoshkideh
del mordeh
be zaaher khandeyi bar lab
va gaahi harf haayeh pich dar pich
va ham hich

va gah gaahi
va gah gaahi do khat she'ri
ke gooyaaye hame chizasto khod naachiz

vaay bar man gar to aan gomkarde am bashi
ke bas doorast beyne ma
ke aan soo nazanini ghoncheyi shaadaabo sad haa aarezou bar del
deli gahvaareye eshghi
ke chandi bish nist shaayad
va az baaziche boodan sakht bizaarast

vaay bar man gar to aan gomkarde am baashi
ke bas doorast beyne maa
ke ashegh gashtano aashegh nemoodan
sakht doshvaar ast

It's a sunny Saturday!

Can I just sleep all day? No!

Fine

I shall get up, wash the dishes, have breakfast, clean my room, and then see what happens!

Good girl :)

BAYAD RAFT JOLO

lol

Don't know how, but I moved on!

zendegi ajib gharib mishavad vaghti tamameh roozato cheshm entezaareh yek e-mail hasti va baa refresh kardaneh safeyeh e-mailet fekr mikoni ehtemaleh javab daadaneh oona bishtar misheh!

Man ke sabr kardam, nashod! refresh kardam, nashod!

Digeh bastameh, khaste shodam az in hameh entezar, dige behesh fekr nemikonam va baram mohem nist... bavar konid!

Na inke mohem nabashe, vali digeh nemitoonam.... bayad zendegie khodamo bokonam (chera enghad farsi neveshtan ma'nieh badi doros mikoneh?lol) ....

nemidoonam hafte dige che ehsasi dashte basham...... hanooz too zamino havam, vali be zamin nazdiktar shodam.....

khoobe adam doro vare khodesh doosto ashna dashte basheh...... na inke az stressam kam bokonand, na.... vali ba biroon raftan ba oona, ya hatta oonai ke pisham nistan az raaheh door, behem yadavari mikonan ke tamame zendegi cheshm entezar neshastan baraye yek e-mail nist (na baba!! yani ino nemidoonestam? lol)

kholase, be har dalili, mesle diroozo pariroozo pas parirooz nistam...

beh gholeh YAS: che konim baraadar, baayad raft jolo, bayad raft jolo, maa mitoonim beresim, aareh, miresim, maa mirim baalaa, mirim baalaa!

Bayad saboor bood....

I woke up this morning and didn't know what to do with myself!

I'm now in the library and feel like crying.. but there are so many people around me...

I haven't feel like crying like this in a long time.... I don't just want to cry ... I want to sob......

I just took a deep breath and feel a little better....

I e-mailed them again today.... at least if I knew that I'd failed I could move on..... even though that's really not what I want :(

I don't know who to be mad at anymore...

Only time can tell....

On a totally different note:

Do I have a crush on a 21 year old?
I really like him...... but even as a person..... don't necessarily have a crush on him....
He's SO NICE

We need more men like him in this world!

F***ing B***ards

I HATE THEM

Should I really give up and accept the fact that I've failed that exam and hence why I did not receive an e-mail from them on Friday?

This waiting period is just SO SO PAINFUL

Also with the other job, why the f*ck can't they just tell me when the exam is going to be?

SO TIRED OF WAITING
SO TIRED OF NOT KNOWING
SO TIRED OF NOT WORKING

The sad thing is that, my hopes have shattered to dusts way too many times in the past year, so if I have a feeling like I may have not passed the test, no matter how "positive" I try to stay, failure will end up being the SAD REALITY

So tired of not knowing...... what do I do next?

I did an interview today and they said they will let me know in 1 week about whether or not I've got the job.... at the moment I am NUMB... yes, it's a job, another contract job, another just ok job... another job that I want, another job that I tell myself is ok if I don't get but at the same time I want it, I lie to myself so that I don't get disappointed if I don't get it......

Don't know what the next steps are

I want to be able to live WITHOUT worrying... but at the same time I don't want to complain too much because I have so much.... I do and I don't.....does that make sense?

GOD, GIVE ME THE STRENGTH TO WAIT PATIENTLY AND WHILE WAITING LET ME STAY POSITIVE... LET/HELP ME FIND MY PATH...... HELP ME FIND MY JOB

Do you believe in life after love?

Dar moredeh khodam harf nemizanam, tajrobe haye man neshaani az ma'nieh aasheghi, hadde aghal aan chizi ke man midaanam, nadaarand! Esgh yani enghad kasi ro doost dashte bashi ke ba'd az raftanash ehsase jonoon behet dast bedeh, ya dar badtarin haalat hadde aghal az naboodanesh narahat bashi va afsoos bokhori... man narahat naboodam (gheyraz shayad chand mah) va afsoos nakhordeam be hich vajh! Az jodaayi haayam kheyli khoshhaalam hastam.... pas man na, aashegh naboodam! Baavarash baraayeh khodam ham sakht ast! :) Agar badaz ashegh shodan/boodan dar aalame haparoot bashi va kasi to raa peida konad va be to ashegh boodanash raa sabet konad, to agar be khodat ejazeye in ra bedahi ke ashegh shavi shayad vaghean beshavad, pas dar ro rooyeh tamaame donyaa naband! Harfe man faghat hamin ast, na barayeh khodam, baraayeh oonaayi ke ashegh shodan, na man! (mesle yek morghe parkande bi sabraane montazere javabeh emtehanaatam hastam, hich chiz alaan mohem nist, hattaa eshgh! faghat bazi moghe ha baraayeh distract kardane khodam behesh fekr mikonam!)

PS

fyi ignore me.... I will hopefully come to life in 4 days!

Summary of my life

First 13 years were without a single complain... except for the time we moved to a new house..... but even now that I think about it that was for the best..... so no complaints.... I don't remember what happened exactly after that until I was 23..... I have a few memories from here and there.... some struggles with learning English at the beginning.... don't have that many exciting memories....just a few big things.... like me getting my first job.... me getting my second job..... me getting accepted into university.... me having a crush on a few people..... that pretty much sums it up.. or bad memories...... except for the ones where my relatives that I loved in Iran passed away... and of course the biggest event of my life, which is when I was borne, after taking off my braces in the summer of 2009. After that I worked for a year....which was good, but I was still unhappy... I wanted more.... so I came here and did my Master's degree..... which was the best 2 years of my life since moving to Canada.... although the life of a student in a Master's program is not that exciting, I created memories, none of which I regret! So what was I missing during this time? 1) The lack of building friendships which is still ok and something that I'm still working on... but I didn't have any self confidence before summer 2009 and I consider myself as someone who was invisible for 10 years.... 2) The lack of having a bf.... 3) having missed 10 years of my life So right now I'm 17 .... and if you meet me you'll agree...... I'm just a tiny bit more mature! ;) I think I may be a ticking bomb ready to explode any minute.... but I'm trying to cut the right wire to dismiss it...... there is a red and a white..... cutting the white would save me.... which would be finding that dream job of mine.... cutting the red one would kill me.. which is what I will get close to doing if I don't... lol... but don't worry.... I'll get up no matter how many times I fall .... but for now I'm praying! At the same time SO thankful.....

Kojaayeh in shabam ke mikeshad, havaayeh gerye am be naa koja!

Just the thought of not having passed that exam drives me crazy!
 Two people got their results and they passed..... how come I didn't?
 Ta key bayad saboori kard? Ta key baayad saaket bood? :(

Kojaayeh shabeh gharibamo 

Kojaayeh in karaaneyeh kabood? 

Kojaayeh in shabi ke az azal 

Cheraagheh maah ghesmatash nabood

 Kojaayeh in hamishe abriam 

Ke aaseman neshaan nemidahad 

 Beh gerye miresam vali sokoot 

Beh geryeh ham amaan nemidahad 

 I will know by Wednesday.. My heart hurts Trying to keep :) and not lose hope....