A friend who helped me fall by being a great friend......

You may ask how?

This goes way back ....... to my younger years ..... lol............ around this time ......... in 2006......... when I was...........you know ............."d" ........... :D

I talked to him again (and by talk I mean chat...... yesss another story that happened in chat.......... because it was once my life.......... I lived in the chatrooms and the people there were my only friends.......)

Anyways.......after 3 years........ he came online..........and he was upset with me........... because I kinda left......without saying a proper goodbye...... I remember I was going out of my mind back then....... and I told him that.......... I told him I left to save myself from me ......... not because he had done anything wrong........... but......... he wanted a better explanation.......and I had nothing else to say ......... I think that's about the time that I found VJ in orkut and stopped chatting......... :D

It's funny how I had almost forgotten about him......... because what happened in the chatrooms have never meant much to me......... I mean at the time that they happened they did......but now that I think back none of them are good memories ....... they mean nothing to me........


So you're probably still asking "Why?" because I haven't answered you yet........

He was this amazing guy ........ that I had a connection with right away (haha yesss in a chatroom!!!)......... we talked for hours and hours.......... and ,as I have mentioned in one of my posts, the time that I had broken the record in chatting.......... it was with him....... lol.........I remember the first time we talked for like 12 hours in a row..... I dont remember..........and that continued the next day..........and the next day..........and the day after that.............we talked for many many hours without getting tired of eachother............. complaining about life........... and even saying nice things......... I honestly don't remember.......... (he's this pure guy that I don't think has ever had a gf....... who has gone to Makkeh ....... and is just unique..... just like me ;) )....but what I remember is that I never got tired of him......... I was taking 4 courses in that term.......... and I ended up almost failing all of them.........so now that I think about it......I'm asking myself............. was it because of him? because I spent so much of my time chatting with him? would it have been better if I never met him? or did he help me get through those days? was he the reason why I became "d" because I chated so much and I hated chatting? or was I "d" before meeting him????????? hmmmmmmm......... good question!

Happy as a bee on a sunflower... :D

(Assuming that's their favorite place to be?!)

today was a great day.... I LOVE THE SUN.... it will be going away for a while though :(

so over all it was one of those rare happy days...... and I know the reason why..... but it's stupid so I won't tell u ...... :-"

:D :D

yay I'll be back @ school on Tuesday!! And my last exam will be on the 24th of APRIL..... I can't believe it...... I'm going to be a grown up full of responsibilities..... in about 2 monthes..... that's kinda scary if u ask me :-s

The life of an addict............

It's about going back to an old wound......and pocking it until it bleeds!

I'll tell you about it later......... One month sober......... but I went back........... I should stop......... yes I should.......... but .......... I have a feeling that I won't!

Moving on.......

I have to get my priorities straight ........ and remeber that "man digeh montazereh hichkasi nistam ke biad" which kinda sucks cause i kinda dont like having no one on my mind........ but ....it's a weird feeling.... anyways.........the point is that i want to accept the fact that there is currently no one ..... and I want to focus more on my education and career........ and family.....

So........ cheers to a new start

p.s. I went to whistler with 2 of "my people" and 3 others....... and enjoyed the company of the 3 others :D......... I can actually say that I had fun....... specially in the hot tub! it was really good...... don't remember having this much fun in years....... which is really sad.....but ....oh well :)

Yeh shaakheh niloufar

Bedooneh to sangam

Kenaareh to abram

Biaa taa geryeh konam

Saroomadeh sabram

Na geryeh moondeh baraam

Na khandeh moondeh baraam

Faghat yeh kaabooseh koshandeh moondeh baraam

Kasi ke hastisho

Beh va'deh haat daadeh

Yeh baar bepors chera

Be in rooz oftaadeh

Hamash too in fekram

Alaan too fekreh chie?

Kojaas? Chi kar mikone?

Alaan kenaare kieh?

Bedooneh to sangam

Kenaareh to abram

Biaa taa geryeh konam

Saroomadeh sabram

Ageh yeh rooz mordam

Biaa o geryeh konaan

Yeh shaakhe niloufar

Bezaar rooyeh ghabram......

Yeh hesseh gijo semej

Hamishe hamdamameh

Migan shekanjeh basseh

Migam baazam kamameh

Negaat cheraa cheshmi

Beh man nemidoozeh?

Cheraa baraayeh delam

Delet nemisoozeh?

To fekro zekreh mani...

Vali azam doori....

Delet nakhaasteh mano

Nagoo ke majboori :)

*sigh*

The weather is SO nice and sunny outside which is kinda helping me balance my mood........

I wish I could get away....from this city......for a while.......but a week is not enough....... I wanna live on my own for a while.....somewhere where "my people" are not around............ just for the experience of it.......... I need to experience something new............ I'm bored of myself........... and u know how that's never a good thing!

The best feeling :D

haha.......... just wanted the title to be something related to what I had been talking about for the past while........

I'm so happy to be back on my laptoppp.......... omg...... i'm kinda addicted.......specially because of this website I can't reallylog into here from other computers in the house because of the probability of ............ u know.......... :D

ummmm.........so here is the NEWS which is not really news but ......let me tell u what I've been up to.............

On thursday I had my 2 midterms.........and I think I actually failed one......... like it was reallllllly bad eventhough its not a hard subject but just the fact that i had 2 on the same the stressed me out so much that by 6:30 (when i had to write it) my brain had shut down............so it was all about drawing graphs and stuff and I had to think long and hard about all the questions and .....well i just couldnt do it.......... but I did my best which is all that matters ........ i just hope i pass eventhough the plan for this term was to get straight As :(........... and on the other test I will pass it so it's all good :D :D

On Monday............. i decided to go to school to see him because I really hated the fact that we hadent talked after "meeting" ......... it was as i had mentioned "the worst feeling". So i kinda dressed up............ actually put on some make up.......and worse something a bit feminine lol......... and it worked............ i think..........kinda............. i went there........... and he came and talked......... like nothing had happened............. for like half an hour we were talking........... and then i went back to my studying............but he came back again............. and then left............ came ...left..........came ..........left........ so overall the plan had worked.......... or so i thought.........

On tues ........... he came.........we talked ......and he said listen i know u have to concentrate on ur studying cause of ur midterms that are coming on and i don wana distract u too much......but we should definately do something after........... so i was like ok yea for sure :)..........

came wednesday........... i didnt see him!!!!

Thursday.......... i saw him as i was going in............ so i :)........... and then 3 hours after he came........... and i said hi.........so he said hi back........ and he's like "how did u do on ur m's" ........... and i said "they're actually today"............ i think he was just trying to act forgetfull ....... cause i had mentioned it to him so many times and i'm sure he's smart enoguht to remember a basic date!!! ....... so he's like oh yea? good luck......... pas hala man beram we'll talk later.......... and i said ok.......

but that's it........... he didnt come to the party last night..........which is fine......... in my mind the game is over......... it was actually over on the day that i wrote the "man digeh montazere hichkasi nistam ke biad" :D.......... but on the other hand i didnt mind and dont mind if something happens........ i'm just not MONTAZER like before............ whatever happens happens

and about last night........

I went to the lounge/party of my friend.......obviously not because of him..........because it was my "friend's" birthday......... I HATE GOING TO LOUD PLACESSSSSSSSSS......... i hate the fact that i cant talk and when i attempt to talk no body can hear me and when they do i guess they become deaf cause i yell in their ear LOLLL........ and they hate me afterwards ....... haha........anyways it's just BAD.....

So here's the conclusion/ lesson learned:

Ever since I had strated talking to this guy i had started to dress up a bit more nicely and it's just so funny how much attention one can get by just dressing up and looking good....like everybody holds the door for u ........... random people look u in the eye and say hi....... its so interesting!!! and last night too.......... it's fun............... oh and that's, in my case, as long as they are looking from far away......but as soon as they start a convo and they see :D they kinda i guess lose interest...... lol.......which is something that i have got used to over the past years.......... so it's all good........still looking forward to the day that i take them off!!!!! :D :D it's funny how my whole life evolves around this one thing and nobody even knows it............

p.s.

the weather is sunnnnnyyyy ...... YAY.............. and i think it's all because of me............ u know why........... because of my presence.......... lol ...........whenever i have the energy to be + everyone around me becomes nicer to one another........... and when i am upset they get upset of one another...

HAPPY AGAIN :D....... MAN DIGE MONTAZERE HICHKASI NISTAM KE BIAD

Not because the storm is gone caz it's not
And not becaz I heard from some people!

Just because...... i'm not sure...........it was either when I was going to bed last night or when I woke up this morning ....... I had this song in my head ........

Paasho paasho
Paasho goldoono biaar

Vaghteshe sonbol bekaarim
Ageh noroozam nayaad, baa ye ghazal eshgh mikaarim

Bi bahaaram misheh gaahi khaabeh narges bebinim
Vaghto bi vaght too khoone sofreyeh haft sin bechinim

Yeh sabad salaamati hanooz too gonjeyeh taneh
Yeh ketaab KHORSHID hanooz too boghcheyeh deleh maneh

MAN DIGE MONTAZEREH
HICHKASI NISTAM KEH BIAD
DELE MAN AZ ASEMOON
MO'JEZE ASLAN NEMIKAAAD

CHESHM BE RAAHE CHE KASI
NESHASTI PAAYE PANJARE
DASTE BI MENNATE BAAD
PORAZ BAHAR MONTAZERE

Del daareh mimireh.....pisheh cheshaat gireh......migeh nagoo delet az aasheghi sireh

Another painful day is almost over...........he didnt call or message......... i mean I know he wont........but everytime my phone rings eventhough i know its not him i look for those 3 letters (his name) ..........aaaaaaaaa ........ whyyyy ........... can't wait to see him on monday........ i m thinking of going to school on monday eventhough i have no class just to see him..... maybe then i'll be able to study better..........

i've done ok today.... i managed to kinda read 2 chapters......... but i have to study harder if i wanna do well.......... 2 midterms on the same day = a nightmare + this added to it =????????

aaaaaa why cant he call me? why doesnt he like me?whyyyy? :((

Nemidoonam miaad? nemidoonam mireh? nemidoonam chera ashegham nemishe?
Nemidoonam mikhaad ke pishe man biaad..pas chera ghesmatam nemishe?

Nemidoonam kiam..nemidoonam kojam.......nemidoonam chera del mimire baraash
Kham shodeh shoone haam chera khise cheshaam? nemidoonam chera nemimoone baaham

Harfe delam ine chera dare mire? dige bahoonamo dige nemigireh
Del daareh mimireh.....pisheh cheshaat gireh......migeh nagoo delet az aasheghi sireh

Harchi man raa miaam az delam door mishe.........begam aashegh shodam aakhe maghroor mishe.....

Should I send him a msg and tell him I love him? lol....... i've done that in the past and didnt have a good ending...........it tends to scare people away :D

ok ok I'll forget about him :)

One last thing........ :D

I think i didn't post the link to "people come into your life for a reason, a season, or a life time" ....... but I was thinking that these two people that came into my life really helped me...........the first one helped me stop chatting...... and i've been "sober" for about a month......... omg even more than a month? YAY! and the next one came into my life to let me know that i don't have to like the first one and there are people who i might go out with and actually like!

but now both of them are gone........

and i don't wanna go back to chatrooms for sure........ i for sure won't i promise!

and the weather at home is what i'd like to call stormy......... very very cold!

I shall just keep studying and forget about the world (i wish i could replace that with drinking and then some........ lol no jk .........)

Temporary conclusion:

hmmm........i was thinking that as you can see it's possible to go out with people that you actually find interesting....... like he's one of the fewww that i've actuallly liked (you remember the other 2 + the long distance one don't you?)...... anyways.....so if there are people out there that you can find so .......hmm........appealing.........why would u settle for anything less? go out with someone 100 times and force yourself to feel something? maybe because the ones that you are interested in are not interested in you? can we make that the conclusion? if you like someone they don't like you therefore you have to force yourself to go out with people that you don't like since all the ones you like are not liking you?!!!

hmmmmm......... dont know! i hope that's not 100% true! i mean that would be way too sad

Forsateh boodaneh baa to ageh hattaa yeh nafas bood
Baraayeh baavareh boodan hameh chizo hameh kas bood

:D just a beyt from a song that i was listening to........ it's actually funny caz it's a song that i used to listen to ooooooooooah long time ago when........ but now it doesnt give me any feelings anymore........ it's just funny that i came acrosss it so randomly!

The worst feelilng :((

Aahhhh........... i hate it!! omg it's happened in the past too........ you know when you like someone and u keep waiting for them to call you or msg u........ and u keep wanting to see them........ but they're either not there............or if they are............ they are just not that into you!!!

GOOOD why why why LOL

I'm going crazyyyyyyyyy........... i hate this feeling......... ah and i have my two midterms next week which might actually be a good thing if i can distract myself by studying instead of distracting myself from studying!!!

OMG ........ okkkkkkkk I need to calm down...........so the next wish is to see him in that birthday party and dress to impress (I hope he comes :(( )............ and the next plan is to dress to impress at school......... hmmmmmm i wonder if its too much to wear a dress to school with boots loooll...... but i will do it ....just watch me.......... :D

I "hafezed" once this morning....... i mean my friend did it.......... and it went like this

بـگرفـت کار حسنت چون عشق من کمالی
خوش باش زان کـه نـبود این هر دو را زوالی
در وهـم می‌نگـنـجد کاندر تـصور عقـل
آید بـه هیچ مـعـنی زین خوبـتر مـثالی
شد حـظ عمر حاصل گر زان کـه با تو ما را
هرگز بـه عـمر روزی روزی شود وصالی
آن دم که با تو باشم یک سال هسـت روزی
وان دم که بی تو باشم یک لحظه هست سالی
چون مـن خیال رویت جانا بـه خواب بینـم
کز خواب می‌نـبیند چشمـم بـجز خیالی
رحـم آر بر دل مـن کز مـهر روی خوبـت
شد شـخـص ناتوانـم باریک چون هـلالی
حافـظ مکن شکایت گر وصل دوست خواهی
زین بیشـتر بـباید بر هـجرت احـتـمالی

in 2 words in means "in your dreams" (that's 3 words!)

and then i hafezed again tonight and it was even funnier: "it seems like there is someone out there who u really like and willing to die for, but he is paying no attention to you, so in order to release yourself from this grief you may want to try 'trying harder' to get him"

LOL

anyways....... he's so CUTE :X ........... but i shall forget about himmmmmm...... but i wanna maybe try a bit before 100% giving up :D

p.s. I hate my cellphone now ..........cause like everytime it "vibrated" in the past it was him ....... but now it's other people........and everytime it vibrates it reminds me of him........ i mean its not like 100 people are calling me 24/7 but my dad and p sometimes call or txt me....... ah ! X(
I have changed the "mode" to ringing......... until i forget..........

Time to say goodbye!

:((
.........it only lasted a week I guess...........

I mean it's not over yet but I have to prepare myself for tomorrow because that's when I'm gonna see him.........

I talked to him on the phone today........and then realized something......

He's been in a 3 year relationship.......... and he's 29.....and very flertish........... and he's told me that he's a very forward person........... meaning that he does and says things that he wants and feels like..........

Do you get it? What's wrong with what I've said above?

1) He's a very experienced person
2) He's old enough to want to be in a very serious relationship probably with someone who is also experienced
3) Very flirtish meaning that he's going to expect the same from me which I can not do!!
4) The fact that he says and does whatever he wants is the most important part........... i mean it's good for his "future" partner who is probably someone that's also experienced but.......

I guess I should start dating a teenager what do you think?

So here are a few different scenarios that might happen tomorrow

1) I fall in love, he doesn't (probably laughs at the fact that he even came out with me!!!) (60%)
2) I don't fall in love, he (same as above) (35%)
3) We we'll both find eachother attractive and will go on a second date! (5%)

oh and one more thing that's kinda a big deal is the fact that he's not continued his post secondary education, where as I have............so this by itself is a reason why he might not want to date someone who holds a degree........

to conclude the only reason I'm going out with him is #1, and I think I deserve to go out with someone that I like for at least once in my life even if it has a sad ending with a probability of 90%!!!!!!

Call me crazy.....come on ........do it ......... lol

But this whole thing is kinda sad isn't it? :( I'm not ready to say goodbye yet........

Emotional status:

Aaaaaaaa

This is what happened since friday....... so on friday............as i mentioned before txt phone txt........... saturday NOTHING......... I finally sent a txt at around 8 and he replied at around 11 saying oh sorry i just got ur message (yea right!!!).......... and after that he said he's at work....... so I said ok im going to bed.......see u later.......

but yesterday.......he sent a mesage at around 7...... and we kept txting until around 11 almost consistantly (crazy)......... all the while I knew that he's bored at work and is trying to just kill time........... then he said maybe we can go out tomorrow around afternoon and i said ok....... let me know the exact time so i can be ready etc..........

then came today!!! and it's 7:30 and I havent' heard anything from him yet........... so at this point i'm like whateverrrrrrrrr........... i'm NOT going to play this game again.......... seriously what's wrong with guys? why do they all play the same game? at the beginning they're all nice.......... call u msg u 100 times per day and say sweet nothings to you...... probably to make you fall in love and get attached............and then leave you ......... is this how this always works? like whyyyy? what's the point? I'm so tired of these games.......... i'm definately not going to message him.......and if he messages me I might reply not sure yet .........depends on what he says....... but i've lost interest............ oh and the thing that kinda triggered all this anger was the fact that on the "event" that he was supposed to "attend" he's now changed the status to "maybe attending" .......... what does all this mean? do I care? NOOO!

:D anyways..........i'm gonna go do some homework.........

fe'lan ciao :)