NEWS!

hahaha........

today I saw him on the street..... he was all alone! and they tell me that he has bad friends......... he looked so lonely ........ but I know that he has a gf now.....so I'm not worried about him.......

it was so awkward....... my heart sank...... or I made it sink lol...... I just passed him and maybe I was glad that he didn't see me ( or at least he was looking away!) ....so I had no reason to blush...lol...... but after I was like ......sh*T........and I thought about him for a while......and it's not even worth thinking about........it's just a nice memory........ thanks to him I had at least ONE extremely beautiful day in the past 8 years of my life... so ..... whatever

the second news is that we are moving......and I thought what if he comes to vancouver and doesn't find me....... but i'm 95% sure that he wouldn't come....... I'd offered to pay 500$ for him to come here (yes maybe I was that desperate to see him and god knows that I was more than happy to pay even more for him to come here) but he still hesitated it ...and didn't think that I was worth his time....or whatever........so I don't care..........

third news is that I have been in a very awkward stage for the past maybe 3 weeks....(since the day that I didn't see P) ......... I have had like a break ...lol......from her! hahaha.....but to be honest with ME it has been kind of nice ....... I have been having too many dreams that prevent me from waking up! like seriously ... I guess it's a good thing to have dreams......but it's weird.....

and the fourth news is that she has become so weird lately........i'm kind of worried about her......and being the "insensible" me I'm not that worried.... I just feel sorry for her.........so.... but actually it does occupy my mind...... but I don't think I can help her.......

and........ what else........... I donnow!

so far I'm doing really well in spanish! clap clap clap! hahaha

I still have time! I haven't given up YET ............

just trying hard to keep up the :)......

but the weird thing is that I'm :) with no people around me..... I think I hung out with people for a while and got sick of them........so I've enjoyed being alone......eventhough it has been about 3 weeks!

I guess I know why.......... I tried to make plans for "us" to go out a few times but each time someone said that they can't come and cancelled the plan........and that irritated me so much..... 2-3 times........that I kind of gave up........and said well "f*** them" .......and ever since that quote has kind of stuck with me! LOL

anyways........ I'm looking forward to spending time to do some improvements....and make me and my life happier...and for some reason this does not include having any friends or relationships......... it almost seems like I have given up on trying to make friendships with people! it just doesn't work....... and I don't care who is responsible for it...........let's blame it all on me! I'm planing to make me happy in some other ways.....and I will let u know if it happens :D

Inner beauty!

No, I don't believe that everyone has an inner beauty.

There are some people out there with psychological problems who do not even understand what love and respect is; however, for the other 90% of people who are normal, I truely believe that one can find the their inner beauty without much trouble.

It's so good if you make it your goal in life to try to see the inner beauty in each person, and unless they say something really nasty that will make you think otherwise*, you can "work" on them until they reveal it.

You don't have to be fake! By genuinly being nice to people, you can show them that they don't have to be afraid of you. After you build that kind of a relationship with them, they will tell you anything and you will see the real them without the mask!

Today a lot of people thanked me, one person kissed me which was really cool. And I actually was the only person that someone wanted to talk to about their problem. It felt really good!

I WILL TRY TO BELIEVE IN "TRUE" PEOPLE!

*clarification: still doesn't mean that they don't have an inner beauty, they do have it, just don't want to show it to you!

EATING

as a human being i can not survive without eating.......

but how easy is it to eat?

For me it's the hardest thing. For me it's very difficult to eat in public, i think it's because of the "mouth problem" i have. It is kind of a disability that affects my life every single day. There's not a day that goes by when my problem doesn't bother me. But in days like today, it bothers me more. It makes me ashamed of myself and depressed. My problem gives other people, again the ones who are the closest to me and hurt me the most, to allow themselves to disrespect me and judge me. I told them that I won't go out with them again. But I can't avoid everyone can I?

My only hope is to fix my problem so I will become normal again like everyone else :(

Today we were talking about depression, and all the symptoms, I have them!

I'm certainly not as sad as I was in the past but I'm not that well either.

I wish I could find the courage to seek help!

he wasn't man enough for me!

Har rafighe raahi baa man do se roozi hamsafar shod
Entehaayeh har refaaghat vaase man che zood gozar shod
Har ki baa zemzemeyeh eshgh do se roozi aashegham shod
Eshghe oon baaese marge hameyeh daghaayegham shod......

wow

it's amazing how i feel....or what i do not feel...towards people......

i guess i did waste all my feeling together at once at the end of summer over two people ....... how disgusting to say it was more than 1 person......but it's true ...... it was..... and there's still a a lil bit of that feeling left.........for god knows what reason......

a few nights ago i had a dream about him......he had come here with like a Jeep kind of car.......a white one ( man in shining armour with his "white" horse lol)........anyways..... he was here.... not looking for me....he got off the car to throw out his garbage or somehing... i guess Eimen was the driver......then i saw him from a distance......couldn't believe my eyes! i went closer and said hi....and he smiled......and walked towards me.... and gave me a hug...... he was wearing a dark gray t shirt.......and he was hot..... it was a weird feeling to hug him ....because i usually don't hug guys..(except for the gay guys at work lol) ...... so it was weird .... he looked like .....hmm...weird......not as good lookin as i'd seen in the pictures....and I did not know what to think of him! should i still like him regardless of the way he looks? and as u know i'm not secure at all about the way i look..... so i thought if he accepts my appearence i'll accept his as well........LOL.... i know this all sounds so weird.......anyways the bad news is that i had to wake up and go to school.....

but it's weird how I don't have any feelings for people anymore! like 80 percent of the time......except for the times that i am extremely bored i want to be alone like at least 75 percent of the time..... and the guy that i was interested in a lil bit ( A) is almost finally out of my mind... like seriously he's not my type at all......and i avoid calling him because everytime i talk to him i start thinking about him and missing him for absoloutely no reason........ he's a good flirter and mokhe mano mizaneh..... manam ke adameh saadeh..... i have absoloutely no control over my heart....... i can tell my brain to stop thinking and start forgetting...... but can't tell my heart to stop beating!!!

hamin digeh .......that was the news.....

but i almost don't like how i have become almost NUMB ...... it's kind of sad when u don't miss anyone and don't care about anyone....

it's so WEIRD

i have not been sad or depressed lately.....just NUMB

it's not in my nature
to beg you for love
to ask you for favors

no it's not my nature
to kiss you
to breath you
to hold your hands
and sometimes miss you

no it's not in my nature
to want you and forgive you
when you are with those others
not thinking of me!

no it's not in my nature
to give you my heart
and wait for you
waiting for your signals
will drive me crazy
so it'is not in my nature

if you want me
you can have me
but I tell you
I don't want no games
this is my heart
it's not a toy
no it's not a toy that you can play with

I told you
did you hear when I said
it's not in my nature
to forgive and forget
it's not, it's just not in my nature to forgive and forget

if you want to leave go ahead
I think I will miss you
I might even wanna kiss you
and beg you to come back
but you won't know it
I will just say goodbye

Me

9:30 a.m.

Saturday

The magic is gone

Sometimes the smallest action could provide you with an eternal regret. Sometimes it's better to remain anonymous so you can take advantage of the mere invisibility that you possess. By being known, you have denied yourself the joy of staring into the eyes of the one that you had hoped to be "the one"!

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

When I look into your eyes,
I'm not sure if time stops or time flies.
It seems like forever, even though only an instant has gone by.
I wonder if you see what I can see, just looking into MY eye.
Planets are born and planets die,
All just looking into your eyes.
Your soul is plain to see,
And I hope that it shines there just for me.
So please don't ever close your eyes to my stare,
It would just be too much for me to bear.
I can see the world before it was born,
I can see the universe before it was formed,
I can see the earth after humans are dead,
I can see the ships in which they fled,
All of this is reflecting back at me,
And yet you are the only thing that I want to see