Dreaming about the wrong person!

I better stop...........

I wonder why! It's all Facebook's fault...... or my fault for checking out his comments and pictures........... ok ok it's my fault for being foozool!

I fiiiiiiiiiiiiinally cleaned my room today.......... now I'm relaxed and happy in a way........ but I still need to do a lot of things........... but I have a feeling that everything's gonna be all right!

Baraayeh yek baaram shodeh jaayeh khodet nafas bekesh!

Khasteh shodam enghad beh harfeh digaran in kaaro oon kaaro kardam!

(not that I'm in a bad mood or anything but as I was going to message A on YM I thought that I'm doing it because he's probably waiting for me not because I want to message him.......... and I realized that doing that too often might end up misleading the other person.........anyways..... what I'm saying is not just because of this....... it's because of everyone around me.......... I NEED SOME TIME FOR ME!!!!!)

Khodaya shokret........... I think I kinda accomplished what I wanted yesterday......... mersi :)

Prayer...........

Khodaayaa ........ give me the strength/energy to make her happy ......... first her and then them............ I know that I have a lot going on in my mind and I feel like I have no energy to think about anything most of the time....... but I want to help them first before I can move on to my own actual problems........... please please help me

Love u :X

Crazy life ........crazy life......... baby ... baby ... baby....... :D

That's what my mind is occupied with these days.......... I dont know what to think about )which of the things that I need to work on) and then.........there is the baby :D :D

it's interesting.....she's the cutest thing everrrrrrrrrr.........I don't like it when she cries because I have no idea why she cries........but when she's happy she brightens up the whole room........... anyway.......... i don wanna say much here about it mitarsam bachamo cheshm bezanan........

so my crazy life is piling up ....... which is making me more stressed out as the days go by......... I'm turning into a "confused looking" creature ......... my mind is all over the place almost all the time........ and it seems like I'm forgetting english since I speak farsi too much these days.....here is what goes on through my head in a typical 5 minute........... school ......... application........ job.......... parents.......... vacation......... job............ baby......... sister + her husband.......... "bf" ........... application..........application............ life.........friends.......... myself ............ application........... life.......... iran............. other people............ myself.........

I need to take a chill pill ........ but I can't......... application! application!!!!

Reading the signs.......

This is my new discovery....... I mean it's an experience from the past that has recently started to suddenly make sense......... maybe because now I'm doing the same.......... in a way..........

If you are in a relationship, or you are in the progress of shifting a friendship into a relationship.... and realize that the other person is starting to "bahaaneh biaareh" or keep distance or feel like they are acting weird just run the other way......... or give them the distance they need and wait....... maybe be patient a few times.......but if it happens constantly let them go....... if they really want you they will come back ...... if not then you will know why later........ in my case it was because there was someone else........

if it's in a chatroom (god forbid) .......and they tell you that "oh ur too far........ i like u too much....... I feel bad for making you wait for me...... maybe we'll never see eachother........or maybe we will but I don't want you to get too attached......... because maybe you will meet someone in your own city and i certainly don't want you to stand in the way... i dont want u to feel bad if you fall in love 'cause you have no obligation to me........ etc" ........these are signs....... meaning that I have seen a few girls here that I'm interested in and I think you are in my way....so please leave so I can get on with my new experiences here ....... <<< this way they can make you leave them without having to feel guilty

now...... if it's in real life it might be a bit different......... they start talking to you ......and acting super nicely.......... making you even think "wow, this person is falling in love with me" ........ but as soon as you begin to show them some "attention" in return.... it gets them thinking "omg ...... so this girl likes me too........ but what if my x comes back? she's still single ......she might change her mind........ oh, what have I done?" ............ so u see a sudden change in their personality.........they don't call you as often.........don't want to see you as often......... and feel the satisfaction of "yea, I've still got it........ I can have any girl in this town" ........ in this situation you shall also try to run the other way....... I know it's hard......... the feeling is like "arrrrrrr, another game!!! I'm so tired of these games" ........but life is all a game........... and it will be hard to try to move on for the 1000th time............ but that's just how things are ........ that's why you should only try with the ones that seem to be really worth your time........... so your heart won't be broken 1000 time.........just 2-3 times........... which will make life and the wish for finding love a lot more hopeful than if you gave everyone a shot........

that's all......... I was just thinking about that......and thought that I should share :)

ای همه آرامشم از تو پریشانت نبینم
چون شب خاکستری سر در گریبانت نبینم
ای تو در چشمان من یک پنجره لبخند شادی
همچو ابر سوگوار این گونه گریانت نبینم
ای پر از شوق رهایی رفته تا اوج ستاره
در میان کوچه ها افتان و خیزانت نبینم
مرغک عاشق کجا شد شور آواز قشنگت
در قفس چون قلب خود هر لحظه نالانت نبینم
تکیه کن بر شانه ام ای شاخه نیلوفری رنگ
تا غم بی تکیه گاهی را به چشمانت نبینم
قصه دلتنگیت را خوب من بگذار و بگذر
گریه دریاچه ها را تا به دامانت نبینم
کاشکی قسمت کنی غمهای خود را با دل من
تا که سیل اشک را زین بیش مهمانت نبینم
تکیه کن بر شانه ام ای شاخه نیلوفری رنگ
تا غم بی تکیه گاهی را به چشمانت نبینم

Insecurities..........

I haven't really changed now, have I?

So what I'm thinking to myself is this....... if this person is the "picture perfect" person what the **** is he doing talking to me? Concluding that he's probably not the ideal, then what am I doing talking to him? Repeat x1000 ......

The answer has also remained the same......... in order to love someone you have to love yourself first.......... and this first step has certainly not been accomplished.......... I guess part of reaching it requires the presence of another person but since I always go back to the paragraph above I tend to get confused in the middle of my thoughts and do a bit of this and that never knowing which one is right........ by sometimes extremely focusing on my "career" and at other times looking for "love" .......... I guess what I'm trying to say is that this is a never ending process......... but since my passion for becoming complete is more than that of reaching love (hoping that love will come after the "completion") I have stayed single for so long.........

you see.......... my problem is that I always have this idea of finally reallly accomplishing something ......... like getting a degree.......... or getting a really good job......... and in my head the only time that I will be able to finally be happy with myself is that......... and if i dont reach "that" then there will be none of "this" (love) ......... get it?

I'm imprefect........ but I have the potential to be complete.......... or as I sometimes think in my head>>>I'm a good investment........

Ashkeh man biaa mano yaari bokon...........

Life is beautiful............

That's the title I had in mind yesterday.............. but it's amazing how quickly things change around here........... so the happiness faded away before I had a chance to put it down in writing (either in facebook or here!)

yesterday was a great day before my sis was asked to not to come to our place because my mom was sick........ I mean it was mother's day and we were gonna bring my mom flowers but we were asked not to come inside because there was a chance that we might catch a cold.........and since my sis is so sensitive because she's pregnant she started crying.......and of course I got upset..........and before I knew it there was another news that added to the sadness......... we came over (note: I was staying w my sis) and realized that there has been a storm in the house ........ I guess I shouldn't have left them alone for that many days........... :( ......... so now they're ok but none of them is really :) ........... and I absoloutely hate the fact that my mom is always so tired......... I hate it sooooooooooooo much.......... I kinda feel like I need to run away from them every time I see them..........even though I love them so much I feel so bad that they are both working and I'm not ......... at least not yet........... I specially hated the fact that she went to work even though she was sick!!! grrrrrrrrrr

so the conclusion is that......... yes ......... MY life is beautiful......... my world........... everything could be working out for me ........... but that's just me............ the people around me are all not in a very happy place right now........ P has just broken up with her BF and is extremely upset + some other things that I dont really wanna emphasize on here............ the storm and the individual problems of each !!! + waiting !!! i guess that's kinda exciting and the wait will end soon and I can feel that there will be sunshine and rainbows by the end of the week and there is a good chance that the storm might be gone as well.............

but for now............ life is not so beautiful ............

p.s. I'm going to uni tomorrow to check my marks and see if I really did well on my exams.......... and maybe talk to a career advisor and ask them to review my resume so I can apply for jobs .......... still haven't asked anyone to help me with the application......... but I will soon......... no rush...........

anyways............. wish me luck ..........and love :( ........as I have mentioned in my 360 blog:

چه رنجی است لذت ها را تنها بردن. چه زشت است زیبایی ها را تنها دیدن و چه بدبختی آزار دهنده ای است تنها خوشبخت بودن

p.p.s. I was thinking that maybe the reason why I get attracted to people that are not so nice is because I'd rather be the one that's getting treated badly than to be the one who treats others badly (I mean if the person is sensative and he/she gets upset .... it creates a lot more sadness in me than if I got upset from being treated badly........ )

Finally......

So i finally have all my marks! two A- and an A. Not too bad............. but....... now I'm wondering if I should even bother applying..............I mean I will..........I'm suuuuuuuuuuure I will........... but I just donnow where to begin ??????? how should I write an SOP? why can't I just go look at some samples or ask?

yesterday I talked to M....... and she told me that she's gonna ask x about y ..... lol.......... but I just wanted to focus on Z......... now that there's a y I'm so confused that I don't want either of them....... I just wanna be free again........... w/o the feeling of guilt! maybe I will do that......... seriously.........I'm tired of this uncertainty........... I want my world to change and that will not happen if I stick to what I've been doing for the past 10 years!

so right now I'm just confused..........I'm gonna go to my sis house in a bit...........but I feel like sleeping for a bit more........... my mom is sick :( and tomorrow is mother's day........maybe i'll go to the mall to buy her something before I go to my sis' place............. hmmmmmmmmm

I'm so sleepy!

Fast and furious..........

It feels like everything is moving so fast............. there's no deadline but there's still the pressure......... in less than 2 weeks there will be a baby in this family and I have absoloutely no idea how it's going to affect my life! in 3 weeks I will have my grad ceremony.......... I still have to fill out the application forms which seems like a never ending process ..... and I'm still waiting for my marks...........

tomorrow I'm going to my sis' house....... :)

g night!

:(

cheghadr badeh aadam narahat baasheh o natooneh kaari koneh ke be khodesh komak koneh........ i guess having a fight with a loved one (family member) is one of the worst feelings that lasts for a loooooong time!

p.s.

maybe I'm a selfish person........... throughout my life what I had in mind was to live my life and help people along the way........... not to go out of my way to help someone....... you see ......... if I did not take those shifts for next week it would have meant that I have gone out of my way to be with my sister and help her out....... and yesterday I was really confused about why I had to do that ....... why should I give up my shifts to go to her place............

but then it hit me............today I feel like I must go to her house......... because I have to be there to take care of her......... and not going there is not even an option in my mind now.........so why did I even accept those shifts in the first place when I knew that she would be home alone?!! I dont know........ I really don't.......

maybe this is something else that was meant to happen?

she messaged me again saying: "you should go to work next week.........hopefully nothing will happen on Monday and Tuesday when you're not there.......... I was just really looking forward to spending the week together with you ......... but that's not what you wanted........and it's ok"

why would she want me to feel guilty like that? am I the only person who thinks that people should not say things like that to hurt one another?

hmmm......... I think I'm the type of person that's very cautious with the words.......and I hurt people through my actions .... NEVER my words! so maybe I should focus more on what I'm doing rather than what I'm saying from now on...........

Zendegi...

Cheghadr raahat dareh migzareh...........cheghadr khoobeh keh adam vaghean yeh chizio bekhaad va beh dast biaareh............vaghti ke vaaghean ghesmatet baasheh be dasteshh miaari no matter how impossible it seems ........ you will achieve it......... if you are meant to have it you WILL have it ..........

Nemigam ke be dast ovordanesh aasoon bood..........vaaghean man kheyli talaash kardam........va alaan kheyli vaghte beh in natijeh residam........ ke vaghti talaash koni.........farghi nadaareh ke cheghadr yeh chizi sakht be nazar biaado cheghadr to fekr koni ke natoonesti be dastesh biaari......ageh ghesmat boode o to talaasheto kardi be dastesh miaari.......... az ghadim goftan: "Az to harekat va az khodaa barekat" ..........vaagheanam hamintoreh...... don't ever under estimate yourself........ set your goals and just go for them...... no matter how hard they are....... if you have the motivation to get there then you surely will........

but here is the funny part.........again this is what has happened every time............every time I get what I have really badly wanted it becomes very "cheap" (bi arzesh) for me.........so as soon as I recieve it I forget how hard I had worked towards getting it.....

what I have learned is to finish what I have started............ I was reading in my horoscope (I think it was a yearly horoscope or something) that said that i can achieve anything......and the only person that will stop me from achieving them is me myself! so that's why everytime I was about to give up I decided to give it a try instead just to see what happens ........and I got what I wanted every time...........

khodaya shokret............vaghean har chi azat khaastamo behem daadi......... harchi ghesmatam boode o baraam khoob boodaro behem daadi........azat mamnoonam ke aarezou haamo baraavardeh kardi............. even when a dream seemed to have turned into a nightmare it became a dream that came true..........

but now I need your help .......... help me make the right decision........... help me complete what I have started..........

I feel really down ..... because of what happened yesterday......... I feel like I'm a bad human being...... I wish the people who are close to me loved me more..... and believed that I love them........ because I do love them.......... and the fact that they don't has always been very upsetting..........and you know who I mean by "them" right? none of them really believe in me........some of them even seem to hate me.......... and it feels so unbelievably bad to not be loved by the ones that are supposed to be the ones who love you.......... it feels so bad to be underestimated by them.............

it's my own fault......... they all think of me as a nothing......and the more I think about it the more I want to get away from them....... even though I love them.......... you see ..........it's really hard to explain............so maybe my decision about moving to another city to continue my education is not such a bad idea? this way they might start thinking harder about who I really am ........ and when I return they might have more appreciation for me......... I really want to turn into someone special........and all I have wanted in life is to make them proud of me..........for once.....

none of the things so far.......graduating....... getting accepted into uni....... getting a job.........graduating from uni............. none of them seems to really count in this family..... they still look at me like they did when I was 10! even though I have got this far in life none of it seems to have mattered to them.......... so maybe continuing my education will? well I haven't even applied........ but I have a good feeling about this...... or maybe I should say had......... after what happened yesterday I feel so numb.......