Ahang bara ooni ke oomado rafto barnagasht

 

از آن زمان که آرزو چو نقشي از سراب شد
تمام جستجوي دل سوال بي جواب شد
نرفته کام تشنه اي به جستجوي چشمه ها
خطوط نقش زندگي چو نقشه اي بر آب شد
چه سينه سوز آه ها که خفته بر لبان ما
هزار گفتني به لب اسير پيچ و تاب شد
نه شور عارفانه اي نه شوق شاعرانه اي
قرار عاشقانه هم شتاب در شتاب شد
نه فرصت شکايتي نه قصه و روايتي
تمام جلوه هاي جان چو آرزو به خواب شد
نگاه منتظر به در نشست و عمر شد به سر
نيامده به خود دگر که دوره شباب شد

Beh omideh baazgashtesh… garche oon digeh barnemigarde… 

B

The yin yang continues

 As that is just life…

I never planned to be so sad on one of the happiest, if not the happiest day this year… I planned this day to be a day of joy where we both feel that things are starting to fall into place, as we get closer to starting a more normal life (as if the life we are living now is not so normal)

When we woke up in the morning it was supposed to be a good day regardless of the upcoming news… the problem is that I stayed in bed too long and was on my phone… but when I thought about it that was not the issue as from the night before I knew that the idea of going to the bike shop before going camping was stupid… I just didn’t say anything because I didn’t want another argument

I came out of the shower at 8:50 and I knew in that moment that it’s too late to be out of our place by 9… and that’s when things escalated about the fact that I am not a reliable person and I always do this bluh bluh bluh… I had not been so sad and angry at the same time in a long time! I even yelled which I almost never do. In that moment I thought he is crazy. He said things to hurt me intentionally because I pushed his buttons and I know that. After all, his intention was good as we wanted to go to the bike shop to fix my bike in the first place. I was angry because it seems like every time we want to go out w my family he doesn’t really want to do it and he thinks that he is doing it as a favour to me… and then he acts out of anger from the moment he wakes up… anyway, I am sure he would tell this story differently if you asked him about what happened as it’s true that I am always late but it’s not true that I am not reliable! That is a total lie

Then his job offer came in… and a few hours later the news of him passing his exam, but although I wanted to be happy and celebrate with him I couldn’t. I was just so sad and angry and disappointed and questioning everything that I couldn’t find the joy that I expected to feel on that day… it was just more a sense of relief… like a mother giving birth to a child and dying in the process, however feeling happy that the baby is ok just before passing away… that’s how I felt. Why? Because I feel like I have put in as much energy and effort into this as he has. I have been a mentor all along the way. I never wanted that to be my role but I think that’s what a partnership is and I am too spoiled for thinking otherwise… it’s not a Cinderella story and there is no knight in shining armour

This is life

This is reality 

This is yin and yang… where happiness and sadness exist simultaneously as that is life…

  

Are they listening?

 I feel like I am being watched and tested…. And I keep failing… over and over again

Most of the times I am as sad as I am happy… both a lot… I never knew that it’s possible to be both… equally 

Sometimes I think about Christmas… and how good it was… and how awful it was… and that’s how I feel now… both at the same time 

It’s a funny thing to not have control over something and spending all your time thinking about how you could possibly gain some control… how many doctors you have to see, how many pills you have to take, how many procedures you have to do, to get to a place that most people get to accidentally or with no effort 

And then a part of you wants to believe that everything happens for a reason… and then you get numb, then you get sleepy and fall asleep and try again tomorrow

I am beyond grateful but I feel like I am running out of time