Why am i so scared???

i think it’s because of my last experience

Anyway... wish me luck

Jelly...

ugh... I just saw a mother daughter video and I got jealous!!! Is this something that’s going to get worse as I age? Am I really crying?

My . Started a week early this time... meaning that I got it 2 weeks after it finished... my hormones are so messed up and so is my mood... I have been in bluh mood since Saturday and I don’t like it despite the fact that I had promised to “commit to” happiness...

I am so grateful for so many things I have and I pray to god in helping me let go... maybe dating someone from work is not a great idea after all... and who knew that his name is so popular?!!!

Ah az dastesh asabaaniam!!! Az dastesh asabaaniam keh vaaredeh zendegim shod! Az dastesh asabaanian ke mano baazi daad! Az dastesh asabaaniam keh beh man dooroogh goft! Az dastesh asabaaniam keh beh hameh chi tazaahor mikard! Az dastesh asabaaniam keh raahat khodaahaafezibjarso gozaashto raft! Az dadtesh asabaanian keh mano ehsaasaateh mano naadideh gereft! Az dastesh asabaanian keh hichi beh joz khaatereyeh khoob az khodesh beh jaa nazasht baraa hamin sakhteh keh az dastesh asabaani baasham! Az dastesh asabaaniam keh beh amn dooroogh gooooftttt!!  Az dastesh asabaaniam keh mano aasam hesaab nakard! Az dastesh asabaanian keh enghad raahat gozashto raft!!! Az dastesh asabaaniam ke rooyaahaayeh mano az ham paachid!!!!

akheysh... I feel better now:)

Umm...

not sure if it’s even worth mentioning here but I met w the guy today (home) and I didn’t find anything in common with him and there was 0 chemistry

I think in general I like men who get me excited about life (and are somewhat cute)... he is super nice but I’m not gonna continue

Beh kasi ke gharaare biaad :P Enghad naaz nakon biiaa!

نگو نگو نمیام

نگو نگو نمیام

امید رو پر دادن

دیگه سخته برام

حالا که دست گلدون

به ساقه گل رسیده

حالا که عطر آشتی

تو خونمون پیچیده

حالا که خوب می دونی

دلم هوا تو کرده

حالا که بغض و کینه

پاشو کنار کشیده

نگو نگو نمیام

نگو نگو نمیام

امید رو پر دادن

دیگه سخته برام

آلاله غنچه کرده

کاش بودی و میدیدی

کبوتر بچه کرده

کاش بودی و میدیدی

گلها چشم انتظارن

تا از در برسی تو

گلها غرق بهارن

کاش بودی و میدیدی

میگن وقتی قاصدک

رو دوش گل سواره

خوشبختی میاره

کاش بودی و میدیدی

یه قمری توی ایوون

داره لونه میزاره

میگن اومده کاره

کاش بودی و میدیدی

حالا که دست گلدون

به ساقه گل رسیده

حالا که عطر آشتی

تو خونمون پیچیده

حالا که خوب می دونی

دلم هوا تو کرده

حالا که بغض و کینه

پاشو کنار کشیده

نگو نگو نمیام

نگو نگو نمیام

امید رو پر دادن

دیگه سخته برام

Vision

Only because the greatest ideas happen in the middle of the night

1) I was initially uncertain about how I should feel about my meeting rhoa Frisat... mayve my manager wants to tell me that I should be the next manager??? :D

2) I will be able to work from the Vancouver office at least for half the year

3) I will go to my meeting tomorrow with an open mind and with love

Good night!

Hmm

i don’t know what to think of this but the reality is that I don’t have any particular feelings... homy is coming here tomorrow and I will meet him after work! I think more than anything I want to meet him  just so I know... and am grateful for having the opportunity to meet him:)

Be honedt with yourself and resist the temptation

yes, for reasons that don’t make any sense you nay want to check his status... how does it make a difference if he was online 1 minute ago or hours ago? It doesn’t... but it appears that the fact that he is still active and alive makes you happy and sad at the same time... but you are only hurting yourself... today I resisted the temptation to check his status... thank god he is not on any social media! Today was a good day and for that I am thankful...
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Seeng the glass half full...

I can swear by this: I have moved on from all my xes because of my recent ex... the only one tbat I am not completely over w is my recent ex... here is my check list:


My ex from V who I thought was the one and still freaking checked his profile until just a few monthes ago: check
A H 1: who disappeared last year: up until about a few weeks ago when he messaged ne to apologize I was still angry at him but now I’m not... not at all!
N: the guy w a kid who disappeared into thin air and I was still angry w until a few months ago: check

How amazing is that?

I ama creator and I will create this:

By March 29th I will start a new relationship and am happy in it and I am completely over my recent ex :)

Thank you god!!!❤️

 (Yes I’m a little crazy... but you know you love me :P 🤗 )

Death

That’s how I feel these days but trying not to

Being it that time of the month doesn’t help either

I just want to not be... wtf is up with it being that time of the month every three weeka now??!!! Gotta stop taking these pills... there are no men in my life... why am I taking them anyway?

So tired of this stupid sh*tty thing that happened... thankful that am slowly moving on... I can feel it

I look forward to the day when I go to work and come home not thinking of him 

Not happy about the fact that I haven’t learned my lesson! What could it be?!!!

Hmm

Still grateful though:)

I have mixed feelings about “homy”... I want to be excited about him but just feel like he is not ready to take care of someone else yet....

Distrust

what a foreign concept it is to me...

Why have I always fully trusted everyone anyway?

Who said that people have the best of intentions in their heart for me?

Who said that people are not selfish?

It’s sad but it’s the reality!

Gotta be more careful

#thewisme #hello32

Thank you!

Um... I guess... for showing him to me once in the morning and once begore I leave! I feel fine... specially the second time... please provide me with more opportunities to help others ❤️

Grateful

Gratitude... I’m deeply grateful for so many things

I have let go

I am proud of myself for removing “triggers”... I also promise to read 5 pages of my book every time I think about the past for more than 1 second...

I will work on my integrity this week and I’m sure that by letting go many good things will come my way ❤️❤️❤️

Bitter? Or angry?

lol that’s not the proper way to celebrate v day!!!

Anyway, I don’t want to emphasize on it... what you focus on expands

I only have myself to blame for reading old messages... messages that said “i feel like I haven’t seem you in so long” with a sad crying face... making me think he is the greatest man on earth for being able to express his feelongs so well, ehich were aligned with mine! And a week after that the same person tells me that he feels disconnected!

I know if it was anyone else they would have the same reaction: shocked and resentful

But I can choose to focus on that or let it go...

Pathetic

Pathetic but exciting! You may wonder what? Well... theres this guy that I used to date who is happily married with two kids... I think it was his birthday today so he messaged me to ask me how I am... I know the two may seem unrelated but in 2011 I foolishly helped to organize. His surprise bd party and there was a post on fb on it today so I think that’s why he messaged me... anyway... I got excited to see his message... I think I want all the attention I can get these days... it makes me feel wanted...

Did I write about how I think that I have abandonment issues? Well I think I do

There are more than 1000 things that I can name that I am extremely grateful for so it seems kind of pathetic to worry about boy problems

In my dream I would go to work tomorrow and receive a bouquet of roses from an anonymous lover (secretly wishibg it’s from my ex but quickly changing that because I want someone who can be freaking committed to me because I am so amazing :) )

Anyway... I have never wanted flowers so bad!!!

I don’t know if I’ll ever master this whole happily being alone thing but you know what? I don’t hate it and that’s progress

I think this is the first year that I’m sanely single! 2011 was w the guy above, 2012 was w HT and suffering , 2013 I was slowly getting ready to move to Ottawa... 2014 I got the mono disease, 2015 I got dumped on V day, 2016 I was getting over my x and cried my eyes out when I went to a party... 2017 I had a bf but he was cold towards me... and now... hwre we are

Here is to rhe best v day in rhe past 6 yeara... cheers!

Cheghadr sakhteh...

Cheghadr sakhteh ke yekio doost daashte baashio natooni behesh begi... az door bebinish, delet baraash par bekeshe vali rooto oonvar konio hatta behesh salam nadi... cheghad sakhteh keh hamash donbaaleh bahaaneh haaye joor vaajoor migardi ke behesh yeh chizi begi... vali cheh faaydeh... eshgheh yeh tarafeh yani zajro marg... pas intor behtareh... inam migzareh...

Bozorgtarin tajrobeh:

the biggest lesson I had from my recent relationship was to be ever so kinder and gentler with the people around me because I don’t know their story...

Laak...

Bazi moghe ha delam mikhaad too laakeh khodam baasham... nazdiktarin chizi keh beh “naboodan” hast... too in boodan dar naboodan haa hastam bara kasai ke ehtiaaj be komakam daaran... az komak kardan be digaraan lezzat mibaram... komak kardan va khoshhaalie digaraan yeki az bozorgtarin lezzat haayeh zendegieh man hast... shaayad bozorgtarin... ammaa na... bozorg tarin nist... bozorgtarin lezzat dar zendegi baraayeh man aashegh boodan hast... eshgh beh kasi keh yek rooz miaayad va hamisheh mimaanad... in eahgh bozorgtarin lezzateh man dar zendegi khaahad bood... va man bache gaaneh fekr mikonam dar in lezzat tanhaa khorshido rangin kamaan vojood khaahad daasht... rooz haayeh abri maaleh jaaye digarist... jaayi ke dar aan eshgh nist... na inke man rooz haayeh abri raa doost nadashte baasham... man paaye eshgh taa akharesh hastam... ghadameh avval entekhaabeh dorost hast... entekhaabeh kasi ke maraa doost daashte baashad va in dooat daashtan raa ta’ahhod bebandad... va bemaanad... va baghie raa khodemaan baa ham kenaar khaahim aamad... hattaa rooz haaye nachandaan aaftaabi raa... haghighat in hast ke man hich tajrobeyi nadaaram... baraayeh man hadde vasati vojood nadaasht... faghat sepido siaah bood... sepid vaghti ke hameh chi khoob bood va man kambood haa raa nemididam... siaah vaghti ke raftand... bi dalil... raasti hadde vasat shabihe chist? Man ke nemidaanam! Hadde vasat vaghtist ke aan haa ghasde raftan daarand yaa be man tavajjoh nemikonand va man baayad beh aan haa befahmaanam ke bayad beh man biahtar ahammiat dahand... ya chiz haye koochake digar mesleh inkeh chera zarf haa raa nemishoorand yaghaza dorost nemikonand? Javaab raa nemidaanam vali shaayad roozi nobateh man ham beshavad keh tajrobeyi jedditar az haddeh vasat daashteh baasham!

Koodakeh daroon...

koodakeh darooneh man ghalbeh baazigoosheh maneh!

Hamisheh beyne aghlo deleh man keshmakesheh va hamisheh aghlam mibareh... aghlam zendegio safe tar ammaa boringtar mikoneh...

Pas chi shod oon mani keh skate mikardo mikhaast az hameh tond tar bereh? Oon mani ke hamisheh mikhaast mesleh setareh bedetakhshe o maroof baasheh? Che balaai beh saresh oomad

Emroozam delam kaareh khodesho kard! Yek saanieh havaasam behesh naboodaa! Engaar hamash donbaaleh yeh bahaaneh migashto  nemikhaast taslimeh vaagheyiat besheh... be yeki az doostayeh doctoresh dar moredeh moshkeleleh x bf esh goft va doostrsh goft “in ke dalil beh jodaayi nabayad besheh” va oonam engaar donyaaro behesh daadan sari be xesh message zado goft biaa ba ham berim naahaar! Engaar na engaar ke 10 rooze ertebaato tamoom kardeh... albateh ta in message o zad aggl fahmido khaast message ro delete kone vali message e delete kardani nabood! Kolli az in baazigooshieh ghalb asabani shod vali digeh kar az kaar gozashteh bood. “Khoshbakhtaaneh” xbf saresh shooloogh boodo goft emrooz nemitooneh! Aghlam goft che behtar! Omran dobaare in pishnahaad behet daadeh besheh... va kolli baazam ba ghalb be khatere in sheytanat davaa kard. Ghalbam bara inke havaase khodesho part kone raft beh yeki digeh message zad... aghlam faghat behesh cheshm ghorreh raft vali baahash kari nadaashr.

Emrooz fahmidam ke raabeteh bara man hanooz tamoom nashodeh! Ey baabaa. Mageh misheh? Hala baayad beshinam baaz fekr konam behesho baahaash clear konam!

Too in hiro viri ghalbeh  baazigoosheh man paasho kardeh too yeh kafsh ke ellaa o lellaa man faghat oono mikhaam! Aslan ageh paash berese mikhaad beshineh taa mojeze she va “maa” baa ham bargardim... che giri oftaadima!!!

Hm

Margesh Augusteh 10, 2017 bood

Badaz oon fekr konam baghiash bara tajrobas

Cheghadr az in aramesh khoshhalam va lezzat mibaram... I’m so thankful

Dishab mikhastam ino begam yaadam raft. Cheghad badam miaad keh pretend mikoneh keh maa mitoonim ba ham doost baashim... pretend ke na vaghean fekr mikoneh mitoonim ba ham bara coffee berim

Hesseh ghadimi dar man be vojood oomad “ageh chand rooz nabasham aayaa delesh tang misheh? Bezar nabasham ke delesh tang beshe o behem mdg bezaneh... bad man baa ghodrat begam nemikhaam baahaat harf bezanam... man nemitoonam ba kasi ke doosesh dashtam doost bemoonam”

Yeh ghesmati az man mikhad ke hesse badi bokoneh... vali ageh intor ke khodesh migeh hes nadareh pas che faydeh e dareh... che behtar! Aslan in baazi haa hamash bikhodeh va khoshhalam digeh hich raahi namiondeh... agar cheh taheh ghalbam doos daram biado begeh hame inaa doroogh boodeh o hich moshkeli nadaareh... vali in faghat yeh arezouyeh dast nayaaftani hast

Baraa avvalin baar az inkeh roozeh valentine’s ro ba khodam mikham jashn begiram vaghean khoshhaalam... chon vaagheaneh vaaghean oon hessi ke belakhareh yeki yeh roozi miaad mordeh... va har tajrobam ino saabet mikomeh... hatta ageh nakhaam intori baasheh intori hast... and that’s the reality

Midnight thoughts

I feel like I’m deeply connected with my thoughts and feelings so here is a “discovery” I just had:

I am recovering from fear of abandonment... it’s a thing!! At least according to google it is... I remember that up until a couple of years ago it was my constant fear of being abandoned by those who were not only in my romantic relationship, but also those around me

Every time that someone replied late to me or canceled a meet up I felt unloved and I wanted... I felt anxious until I received that reply...

Today I am happy to say that I have realized that a lot of times it’s not personal

I thank god that my relationship w p wasn’t that long...

I want to apologize to myself that I connected the break up to me not being enough or lovable... I know that it wasn’t... and I will make myself believe that!

Now that I have discovered the problem I promise that I will work on fixing it

Dars haayeh shekasteh eshghi

1) az dardeh ghalb nemisheh faraar kard chon khob ghalbemoon shekasteh o ta chand vaght dard mikoneh
2) didaneh kasi keh ghalbemoon ro milarzoond tabdil beh kaaboos misheh o har dafe keh mibinish zajr mikeshi... hadde aghal bara chand moddateh avval hatta ageh clearing anjaam daadeh baashi
3) do ba morooreh zamaan behtar misheh, beh khosoos vaghti eshghe jadid peida mikoni

Beh omideh peida kardaneh eshghe jadid dar ayandeye nazdik

Putting me first...

I don’t know why I am always so concerned about others... even when they arw the ones who have hurt me!! I feel bad for them and I always think that they are probably suffering from something else and that’s why they hurt me...

Anyway... I’m giving him back his stuff... I think 10% of me wants him to react to rhia and get sad or even want to come back but 90% of me just doesn’t want to have his stuff around my apartment

I’m really grateful because of the peace that I feel within me today

❤️

“I don’t feel a connection”... he said

delam yeh baghaleh toolaani mikhaad

Zarf haayeh nashosteye tooyeh aashpazkhooneh khabar az haaleh daroonjeh man midan...

Delam mikhaast alaan yeki bood oon zarf haaro mishost, khoonamo bargh mindaakht, behem ghazaa midaad va ejaazeh midaad harcheghad mikhaam bekhaabam, va harcheghadr mikhaam baghaleshbkonam, too sokooteh kaamel, bedooneh nasihat yaa deldaari... faghat sokoot

Aakeh kheyli sakhteh, vaghti yekio doost daari too cheshaat negaah koneh o begeh hich ehsaasi nesbat be to nadaareh ... va 60 roozeh zendegit dooroogh boodeh... che dar marizi che gheyre marizi... az sakhtish kam nemikoneh...

Yaadeh yeki digeh az hamkaaraam oftadam... kaash oon azam bekhaad baahaash beram biroon... oono mikonam mardeh royaahaam... taa vaghti ke in sakhti tamoom beshe... chon man baa eshgh zendam...

Nemikham be khodam gir bedam vali tippeh emroozamo doost nadashtam... bayad be khodam beresam

Delam mikhaad beshinam shereh foroogh farrokhzaad bekhoonam... vali avval gym time!

Ki fekresho mikard vali

az dastesh asabaaniam!  Naameyeh fadaayat shavam az beyn rafto tabdil be khaahm shod

Man mesleh hamisheh mikhaastam aadam bozorg tarrh baasham... mikhastam barash thank you card bekharamo azash baraayeh do maaheh por az lahzeh haaye talaai tashakkor konam... bad doostam goft bara chi khodeto koochik mikoni?! Raast migoft

Alaan migam, ghablanam goftam... I don’t believe in temporary pleasure... it’s not worth the shitty feeling after...  digeh khaateh shodam... zamaaneh injoor baaziaa gozashteh!!! Yaa yeh dorost hessabisho mikham ya aslan nemikhaam! Albateh fekr konam universe az inke behesh ultimatum midam khoshesh nemiad... vali khodaayish in che maskhareh baazi ieh?

Anyway... I’m still extremely thankful and grateful faghat yekam ghor daaram!

Daashtam migoftam, az dastesh asabaaniam keh mano baazicheye khodesh kard!!! Yani aagaahaaneh vaaredeh in raabeteh shod fully aware keh nemitooneh toosh bemoone! And just for the records, I don’t give a sh*t about being in a temporary dreamy world based on acts!!! I hate it!! Any AH can be a Prince Charming in the short term.. so no... I’m not gonna feel sorry for him amd say that he needs love and affection too... screw that! He can try that with people who are also looking for fun or nothing serious 

Haalaa mifahmam keh cheraa geryam nagereft chon taheh delam az dastesh asabaani boodam!

Kheyli baraam jaalebeh... vaghti D Sh raft hegh hegh mizadam... cheghad halam bad bood... cheghad bozorg shodam

Faghat baraam maskharad keh enghad eshgho energyo vaghtamo sarfeh hamchin aadami kardam! Hamin

Ah...

chera baayad emrooz mididamesh! Engad mikhastam khodamo test konam... “man khoobam va be kasi ehtiaji nadaram.”... nemikham kasi baraam delsoozi koneh

Az in ettefagh asabaaniam! Chera akhe intori shod? Man akhe vaaghean doosesh daashtam... yeh doost daashtane vaagheyi... na az rooyeh vaabastegi... khaalesaaneh... enghadr be nazaram khoob bood ke liaaghateh parastidan daasht... “mageh mishe yeh aadami enghad khoob baasheh?”.... soaali keh do maah az khodam porsidamo aakharesh javaab na bood...

Mesleh hamishe khastam... kheyli vaghteh khastam... dafe ghabl behetoon goftam keh digeh raabeteh baraam mohem nist... roozeh margeh ghalbamo elaam kardeh boodam... va shayad baraa hamin nashod... haghighat ineh ke man az khodaameh ke beh toreh mojezeh aasaai mardeh zendegimo peida konam! Vali faghat baa mojeze misheh....

Ghablana az khodaa faghat eshgh mikhaastam
Ba’d eshgheh jaavedaaneh khaastam
Va  emrooz eshgheh jaavedaaneb ba kasi keh moshkeleh jesmio roohi ravaani nadashte baasheh... in arezouyeh maneh

Albateh, inam begam ke darseh baa arzeshmandi yaad gereftam... vaghean nemidoonim too sareh digaran chi migzareh pas bayad nice bashim