Feelings ashamed...........

U know i feel ashamed........ for being so ungreatful ........for not appreciating the fact that i live with two of the most amazing angels on earth....... i am ashamed......... maybe i am too selfish...... maybe i should give them the right to say whatever they want about me....... i know that they are right.......... i should just be strong..........

the sad thing that i know is true in life is the fact that the people that you love the most and love you the most are the people that hurt you the most

and sometimes they wonder............they probably wonder why i don't give them enough love? what's wrong with me?? well they never support me........ maybe they do and i just dont appreciate it............. i dont know! but every time i talk to them about something serious they make me feel like sh*t..... like i dont deserve to be here.......... no they don't say anything too mean........ just little things indirectly like.......... omg ur 22 years old and u dont know who obama is exactly???

wtf ....... like i know that i should know things like that.......... i know that i should........... but sometimes i dont know things like that ok???? comprende??? sometimes i get too involved with myself that i forget that i have to live up to certain standards! ..... sometimes i think if u can just be good.........if u have a good heart and can make people smile that's all u need........

but i know that i am wrong.........not in this world............u need more than that to survive in this battle of life!

I just need some support! and since my family is not giving it to me........in fact they are doing the opposite / discouraging me .......... i'm reading Robin McGraw's book "from my heart to yours" to get the support i need........ yes from a book....... there is absoloutely no one around me that can think like me or feel like me...........they just don't understand me and what i am after........

i can do it

i can do it

i CAN do it

i'm going to go to that interview and nail it...........

I'm gonna get that job and take the first step into building my future!

i will do it because I can do it

god would not have put this in my way if it wasn't right for me and i'll do anything to make myself proud!!

god help me............ help me help myself............. and most important of all help me "believe" again..............

Moving forward..........

I have deleted my account from facebook........ mostly because I realized that the people that I have on there are not the people that I want to be in touch with ........except for a very few who have my phone number and can call me if they feel the need to talk........

So yesterday......out of the blue......they call me from TD and do a quick interview on the phone.........which went I guess OK ........... u know I really want to be excited about this opportunity but at the same time i don want to get too disapointed in the end if I don't get the job........ it's gonna be kinda hard to be a full time student and work but i believe that everything works out in the end and I just really really want the job! this is the message i am sending to the universe " i really want this job at td bank!! hook me uppppp :D"

I was just sitting in my room and day dreaming when my dad came in and said "Did they tell you that your english is bad? huh?" (not the exact translation but it gave almost the same meaning) ...... u know out of all the nice things he could say he chose to say this one! probably because..........

well i know he's not very proud of me as i have told u before .........so........... but he's been really nice lately and i kind of like the new "atmosphere" in this house.........and if his "true feelings" about what he thinks about me comes to the surface every once in a while i guess i should just accept them and live with them..................

anyways ..........so that was my news............

i haven't talked to AN for almost a week and ..... well i donnow what will happen next...........

but i am so freaking tired of everyone......... not all people in general........... just the people that i know.......... i am kinda scared of them............ because they kinda all look down on me like i am a piece of.......... a whole lotta nothing..........and even if i am that i would like to find some people who can be a lil bit positive without faking it! i should just try to keep my mouth shut and dont show my weaknesses to the people that i meet in the future ......

they haven't called me from G yet ........... grrrr.......... i hate ........ or maybe i should say i strongly dislike people that are careless!!! the manager was supposed to call me before the end of last week........and since it's not the best job in the world i didnt bother calling them to ask what happened! but i will ...... probably tomorrow...........

oh and there's this persian dance that's coming up on monday night!! i really want to go to it but i think it would be kinda weird if i went all by myself......... so i havent decided if i should go or not......... but i really wanna go......... don care if i go alonE!

and last but not least............1 more year till i take this "monster/ my saviour" out of my mouth and look like a normal person............

till then i will just try to stay + :)

u know my first goal is to go for ......... (don wanna say it out loud) .......and second plan is to move to another city after my graduation and just work there and live there by myself for a while (preferably Toronto , ottawa (city of love) ) lol ........... who knows maybe they'll be getting married by then and invite me LOL........haha .......... i donnow........ i really wanna go live there for a few monthes.............just need to get away from everyone!

cheers to that.

we'll see what happens............

Just can't get u outta my head!

grrrrrrrrrr........ by the way........... I can't get him out of my head these days......... all the songs that I listen to ...... all the movies that I watch.........and all the couples that I see on the street remind me of HIM.........I even had a dream about him a few nights ago.........for some reason in all my dreams I always seem to be walking behind him.........so close but behind him......... in a way that he doesnt see me......... donnow why I try to hide!

oh and don't ask me who? you know whom! :(

He's living a happy life with his beautiful successful gf on the other side of the country.......

and me.............crazy me...............

*sigh*

p.s. the last post is not about him.......... it's about my "guy friend" ... i'm sure i've talked about him a bit.......... :) ......... if ur wondering which one.........then ask me......and i'll tell u......... i don want any confusion! haha ;) :D

The art of disattachment,,,,,,

You know it's hard........no body wants to be lonely........

But if you don't get used to someone from the beginning u won't have to bare the long/hard suffering from their carelessness.........

People never fail to disappoint you...........

I keep telling myself over and over again..........don't get used to.......... don't don't don't!

But sometimes I fall in the trap......... and do...........

and when that happenes...........well it creates a lot of dillema!

I'm not saying that everyone should do this..........because everyone is not like me! I'm really unique in some ways........and this is one of them......... I am so alone all the time.......... but sometimes I get bored ..........and really really want someone to hang out with..........and when I choose this "someone" ..........and ask them to go out with me ............ and they say no! ........... well.... I just can't swallow this kinda news very well............ and I get sad ........ and mad........... and think about never talking to them again.......... and tell myself again "don't don't don't.........don't get used to people............. don't expect anything from them" ......... but then I realize........... no matter how much I tell myself there are some things that I can't change........... after all......... I am a human being........with a lot of expectations.........and...........feelings!

In a relationship!

Don't get ur hopes too high!

I'm not talking about myself

This is the sentence that stopped the blood from running in my body, stopped my heart from beating, and my brain from thinking!

I don't know why I still feel this way...........it's been 2 freaking years............I'm a freaking 22 year old........ with almost a freaking bachelors from one of the best universities in the country....... I can NOT understand why I still feel this way towards this guy..........why all my focus is on him..... is he the defenition of love for me? Why do I always have to think about him when I think about love, life, joy, happiness? Why do all the good things in life remind me of him???????? why? why do I still want to be near him? Why is he the one I picture myself with when I'm tired and lonely? Why? Crazy guy........... despite all the nice things that he once said to me, he has also said some awful things that I don't really think that you want to know.............ok ok I'll give you an example!

I don't know if I am in love with love, fairy tales, or writing? It must be one of these that stops me from forgetting about him!!! I've read too many Jude Devereaux novels... that must be the reason!!

me: yadet bashe age ye rooz man mordam ghosse nakhori ke cheghad ba man mean boodi

him: khoshhal misham ke dige hich ki nemiad mokhe maro bendaze too forghoon bedooe nesfeshabi!

him: Ey jooon1
him: BEBAKHSHID
him: Ey Joon!!!***

me: ok pas khoshhal mishi
me: we'll see

him: masroor!
me: we'll see

him: man ke tahala toro nadidam
him: I have nothing to lose!

me: u may leave bye

anyways.........the point is that I was about to puke when I saw his "relationship" status....... and everytime I see something like that I really get the feeling like I have to delete him from facebook......... or delete my facebook account....... or delete him completely from my yahoo messenger etc. But then on the other hand I think to myself........... why oh why? why should u do all these things?? it's been 2 fking years for god's sake! get over it! if u do this ur never gonna be able to see him once u go to Toronto/Ottawa!

Speaking of Toronto......... I am thinking of getting my Masters from that university!

I don't know if it's the thought of him that makes me want to go there.......or the university itself............. I call Ottawa the city of love......... because .........well u know why........ because of him!!!

anywaysss........so yea .......... I am much happier than I was a week ago.......... I want to become more focused on my studies......... if I get good marks .......and understand the subject thoroughly ........then I will be able to actually go and continue my studies in Toronto!!!

I would like to thank A N my good friend from rescuing me from these chat rooms......... u know I spend a few hours with him every week and that stops me from wanting to go back to these stupid chatroooooms......... I've been almost "sober" for 3 weeks! YAY

oh and the second good thing is the fact that ......... the "love birds" are back together! It was a miracle......... 4 days ago on a Sunny sunday.......... I opened my eyes.......and there they were! talking to eachother again! Which was a total relief to me

u know I have big dreams......... i really really want to get away from this city........and from the way things were looking before I couldn't see that happening in a million years.....not with "a seperation .... "

now that they're back together.........god knows how happy I am!!

I just need to stay focused on my plan........ I'll be going to work again from next week...... and I can feel the dissapointment in my parent's eyes!! " oh.....why can't u get a better job???"

You know ......... I feel like nothing is ever good enough for them.........

I swear to god........ they have never got too excited about any of my accomplishments........ I'm sure they're not proud of me........ whatever I ever said to them was just ok to them.......

"oh mom/dad........... I got 4 A's this term"
them: "eh........affarin affarin :) "

"oh mom/ dad.......... I got accepted to UBC"
them: "wow......really...congrats!"

u know.......... I dont know what I expect from them........ this should be more than enough...... but ........

I just want to get away from everyone that I know........just looking at them makes me feel bad/ negative............

I want to go to a place where no one knows me so I can start over..........

I need to FOCUS
FOCUS
FOCUS

enerji......... must have EnerGY

Garcheh aabeh rafteh baaz aayad be rood
Maahieh bichareh ammaa mordeh bood

I have always joked about wanting to become a professional singer / dancer.......... but to tell u the truth......... that's my "Real" passion......... if i had a different life that's what I would have done

my real passion is arts........ maybe painting and drawing....... and weaving........ and dancing........ reading poetry.......writing........things like that.........that's what I have PASSION for in life!

my parents always say.... oh honey.... just follow ur heart.........do whatever u want.........

but u have to see the way they talk about people that don't go to University ......... dancing as a profession would definately be a dissapointment to them!

for god's sake my dad doesn't even watch the shows that involve dancing......... he tells me ........ "what are these people thinking? .......... they know nothing about real life"

and I just........ well I just shut up.........

they brought us here to become something.......... and that something is definately not a dancer!!!!

There is a thin line between love and hate.........

I hate RD
I hate VJ
I hate AH

for f*cking making me fall in love with them.....for showing me / telling me that they have feelings for me and then walk away...........
The sadest part is the fact that I fell in 3 different traps ........which means that I didn't learn from my mistake.........which makes me stupid........

AH is definately history........but VJ and RD ....... there are just too many songs and too many things that remind me of them..........and they did nothing to make me truely hate them....... but I still hate them both and love them at the same time.........

I hate this feeling..........and probably love it too otherwise I would've let go of it a long time ago!

So if u ask me I would say I know 0% about love / what's right or wrong in a relationship

please don't come to me for advise!

cheshmaa hamoon cheshmaa bood........vali negaash avaz shodeh bood.......
sedaa hamoon sedaa bood......vali shogho shooreh gozashtaro nadaasht......
mesleh inke too in do se saal 10 saal omr kardeh boodo pir shodeh bood

dige harf zadan bahash lezzat bakhsh nabood....... khoordesh karde boodan........ ya behtare begam khoordesh kardeh bood...... oon kasi ke cheshaasho negaasho sedaasho az man dozdido ghalbesho shekoondo zendegisho bar baad daad

haalaa tanhaa shodeh bood.......va man ke ye roozi hazer boodam baraash bemiram dige hattaa doosesham nadaashtam.....

vali oon yeh joori negaam mikard...........engaar...........engaar ke pashimoon shodeh bood......

az daste in roozegaar!

Future news?

I wonder when VJ is going to get engaged/ married to his wonderful GF?

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NEWS

RD was engaged!

Can you believe that?

Who is RD?

The guy that I was talking about a lot a few monthes ago........ I didn't have a crush on him or anything but I really liked him as a human being and still do...... but I have stayed away from him.......well because he went to Iran and just came back.......and a few days ago I found out that he was actually engaged to his x-gf ........and they were planning to get married this summer!!!!!!!

So no wonder why he is always depressed.......... anyways I dont want to think about it because thinking about his sadness makes me sad.........because he is suchhhhhhhhh a good guy :( :( I hope they get back together because they love eachother so much! Maybe they will ....... I will pray to god to show them the way

In the process of saving me from myself...........

So everything is kind of coming together

I'm not sure if the hard effort that I put into things is really needed for the results that I get in the end........ it could be a quick little thing......... but I have to do it the hard way I guess in order to appreciate it later on ....... I shall go and try to talk to the dean.......

So the topic is about me distracting myself from I by going out with people that I might even call friends.........

Sometimes when I go out with some people it makes me feel even worse about myself because they seem to know so much and I ..........well ........so little.........about ........everything.......

But sometimes it's possible to hang out with some people without being pressured into using your knowledge to create a conversation .........which is kind of nice........and hopeful :)

So how do you comfort someone who tells you that they have found out after 30 years of marriage that there was no love from the beginning?

Maybe I should read some books about counselling so I can help those around me!

I would do anything for love.....

It's that time of the month again, for some reason I always feel so emotional during this week and I get sad and depressed .....and.......cry a lot!

You know I was thinking about love because when I went out with my "friend" yesterday he was pointing out to his gf that I have never been in love/ had a bf........ and I thought to myself "yes I have" but I can't really tell anyone about it because it's so stupid

I have always thought of myself as one of those people who end up in bad abusive marriages..... because for example right now........when I fell in love with that guy......my whole life completely changed..... like I could feel happiness...which was the greatest feeling in the world.... and I was thinking if I marry someone who I love like that...... no matter how much he'd hurt me....for example cheat on me or even slap me or whatever...... I will still stick by them......because of the good memories that we once had together........ because of the love...... because he once made me feel complete........... and when I watch movies where wives that are abused by their husbands still stick by them...... I can understand the reason.......and eventhough it's not right...... they would feel so lost without them.......specially if he was the first person that ever showed them any love.......

so there you go..... I should really be careful.......or think about staying single forever!

It's not them that I don't enjoy

It's me...... feeling so unworthy..... my heart hurts

I can't fit in...... I'm so d*mb and st*pid....... I h.......me

I'm so sad and unhappy about everything


so unworthy

wish i were .........d

Haalaa digeh toro daashtan khiaaleh
Del asireh arezou haaye mahaaleh
Ghorbaareh poshte shishe migeh rafti
Vali hanooz delam baavar nadaareh!

Haalaa Raaheh to dooreh
Deleh man che sabooreh
Kaashki boodio mididi
Zendegi che sooto kooreh


Right now....... or in general these days I feel really down.........

I dont have a job........dont go to school..........dont have friends.........all I do all day is eat / watch tv/ sleep

I'm sad because my parents are both working

My bro moved out

I can say life is pretty shitty.....not because of my situation......... because the ones close to me are sad......... and I can't get over it........ how do people do it?

There's nothing I can do to make them happy

Money? I don't have any money!

I have to find a freaking job

Deep dark secrets

They are yours......... but I promise not to tell......... I will keep my mouth shut forever...... but ..... why did I have to know them in the first place? Sometimes it's better if some things are left unsaid.............

So next time you are trying to find out the reason for someone's strange behaviour ..... just make sure that you really want to know before you ask any questions!

It's not always easy being a good psychologist.