uh oh

I officially think that there is something wrong with me.....

My monthly week of joy has been delayed by about 10 days now...... which has never happened to me..... good thing I know that  I'm not pregnant for a fact otherwise I'd be panicking :)) but seriously... wtf...... I read about it online and it says that it could be because of stress... although I try to hide it, I'm as stressed out as f* ...... sorry about the foul language.....anyways......

WTF...... I haven't had my interview yet..... can you believe that? which is ok....... because I'm not ready for it yet....... and I'm not in the mood of preparing for it...........

anyways....... I don't have much to say............. I am beginning to doubt that my wait will be over soon....... it would be realllly funny if they set the date of the interview for the time that I'm on vacation at the end of April....... but I reallllly doubt that would happen....... probably end of next week or the following week...

So whatever happened to Dave?

I guess as you get older, you realize that there are not that many guys that you feel comfortable with / attracted to.... so when you do meet someone that has the qualities you are looking for, you should speak up...

Easier said than done.......

Sleepy, exhausted, not worried, I am just in a bluh mood... as I have been in the past 6 months..... just a little tiny bit happier bcz of moving to the downtown area...... zzzzzzzzz gngttttttttttt (ps and I'm thankful as usual)

Sokooteh sefid......

Dar baraabareh toofaaneh khashmgino siaah....

I really want to be happy again......

Just a few more weeks........ 5 months of waiting...... I don't think I've ever had to wait for something this long! Even for University, I think 3-4 months was the max I waited....

Va digar hich.....

Vagheyiat ine ke life is not easy..

That's the honest truth.....

Yes, we can try our best to live life to the fullest...... but sometimes it feels like no matter how hard we try that's not possible.....

I'm still waiting for my "dream" to come true...... some people don't really have a dream.... or even if they do it needs to happen one step at a time.... so for now I have to get this job...... I HAVE TO ........ YES I HAVE TO....... still have to wait....... I really have a strong feeling that after that life's going to be good..... or at least it's gonna be better...... much much better......

I miss Ottawa like crazy.... but I think I know why......... some are really bad reasons..... for example not having a bf here yet is I think my main reason..... I think people there are more down to earth...... but the guy I have in mind is the one that I dumped for good reasons...... but it seems like he was the only one that wanted to be with me .... even if it was just for "that reason"...... I still had fun..... but then I got scared...... caz I'm not just looking for fun! but at the same time I am in a way..... let's face it...... I can't be in a serious relationship....... unless the guy is mature and can understand........ anyways...... it's a PROBLEM that I'm going to worry about after the current problem that I have at hand...... I have a feeling that I'm gonna someday regret not having taken advantage of my youth and beauty..... and that my friend is why I am saying that life is complicated and only gets harder not easier....... that's a fact that I've come to realize.......

a lot will happen by the end of April..... but as Enrique says: I will survive... I'm gonna make it through..... no matter what happens....... I will find a way...... as I always have....... but I REALLY WANT THIS.....

you can choose 1 of the 2 roles

either be the bitch that complains ....... because your partner doesn't do anything right and you always have to be the one that takes on the responsibilities

OR

be the victim that gets controlled by the partner and is never allowed to do anything...... or if you do, there'll be a reason why the way that you did it wasn't good enough

...... well........I don't want either........ that's why I shall keep looking......

good night!

heehee

یک سینه بود و اینهمه فریاد 
 می برد بانگ خود را تا برج آسمان 
 می کوفت مشت خود را بر چهره زمان 
زنجیر می گسست 
 دیوار می شکست 
 انگار حق خود را می خواست 
می زد به قلب توفان 
می افتاد 
می رفت و خشمگینتر 
 برمی گشت 
می ماند و سهمگین تر برمی خاست 
یک سینه بود و این همه فریاد 
 تنها 
 اما شکوهمند توانا 
 دریا 

I DESERVE THIS!

I WILL GET IT

I WILL GET IT

I WILL GET IT

I DESERVE THIS

AND I CAN DO IT

WITHOUT A SHADOW OF A DOUBT

دور یا نزدیک راهش می توانی خواند 
 هرچه را آغاز و پایانی است 
حتی هرچه را آغاز و پایان نیست 
زندگی راهی است 
 از به دنیا آمدن تامرگ 
شاید مرگ هم راهی است 
راهها را کوه ها و دره هایی هست 
 اما هیچ نزهتگاه دشتی نیست 
هیچ رهرو را مجال سیر و گشتی نیست 
هیچ راه بازگشتی نیست 
بی کران تا بی کران امواج خاموش زمان جاری است
هیچ ایا یک قدم دیگر توانی راند؟
هیچ ایا یک نفس دیگر توانی ماند ؟
نیمه راهی طی شد اما نیمه جانی هست 
باز باید رفت تا در تن توانی هست 
باز باید رفت 
راه باریک و افق تاریک 
 دور یا نزدیک

درون اینه ها درپی چه می گردی ؟
 بیا ز سنگ بپرسیم 
 که از حکایت فرجام ما چه می داند 
بیا ز سنگ بپرسیم 
زانکه غیر از سنگ
کسی حکایت فرجام را نمی داند 
همیشه از همه نزدیک تر به ما سنگ است
 نگاه کن 
نگاه ها همه سنگ است و قلب ها همه سنگ 
 چه سنگبارانی ! گیرم گریختی همه عمر 
کجا پناه بری ؟
خانه خدا سنگ است 
به قصه های غریبانه ام ببخشایید 
 که من که سنگ صبورم
 نه سنگم و نه صبور 
دلی که می شود از غصه تنگ می ترکد 
چه جای دل که درین خانه سنگ می ترکد
در آن مقام که خون از گلوی نای چکد
عجب نباشد اگر بغض چنگ می ترکد
 چنان درنگ به ما چیره شد که سنگ شدیم 
دلم ازین همه سنگ و درنگ می ترکد
بیا ز سنگ بپرسیم
که از حکایت فرجام ما چه می داند 
از آن که عاقبت کار جام با سنگ است 
بیا ز سنگ بپرسیم 
 نه بی گمان همه در زیر سنگ می پوسیم 
 و نامی از ما بر روی سنگ می ماند ؟
درون اینه ها در پی چه می گردی ؟

Mluh.....

Yes....... I said mluh instead of bluh or meh........

That's how I feel!

Guess what? The job posting is finally out ..... and as much as I am "happy" I'm super worried...... and just so so SO SO SOOOOOOO tired in general....... the fact that I have been sick for almost 3 weeks hasn't helped......... nor has the fact that my mom got super sick for 4-5 days...... thank god we are all feeling better..... I think I'll be ok in a few days......... I think I'm gonna have a panic attack by the time that this is all over........ I don't know where all the negative energy is coming from but the truth is that I've been unhappy for more than 4 months now.... that's right......I've been unhappy and stressed out for that long! Because of a "small" reason that's a big reason to me...... I know that nothing is more important than your health and the health of your family...... but money is important too! At the same time, my family in general is unhappy. To add to that, (yes it feels like I am writing an essay and trying to use all these "connecting" words lol) for whatever reason I miss the other side of the country!!!! SO MUCH...... that's where my "friends" are. The truth is that I don't have any friends here........ well except for one....... but he's a guy and doesn't really get me so I am all so lonely lol...... it's true! I know that I am not trying..........I'm like a robot that goes to work and comes home and is sick and is making trouble for family caz my dad worries and has been taking care of me like a little baby! lol ....... I feel like such a useless person......... I feel like this time I really really need to talk to a counselor ...... I am overwhelmed by all these little things....... I may have seemed upset in the past 3 weeks because of my "cold" but I'm really not happy....... that's not the message that I'm trying to send to the universe but I just needed to get this out of my system....... someone should sing to me "don't worry caz everything's gonna be alright!" lol :)  I keep thinking about old memories..... and it makes me frustrated that I haven't been able to make memories here......... anyways........ wish me luck........ I really need it.......

ok let me tell you where my real frustration comes from........ on the one hand they tell me "oh we really like you and want you" and on the other hand the job posting that they post is external ........ they easily had the option to make it internal and just within BC so I think to myself WTF!!! Secondly, on the one hand my manager tells me oh yea you'll get the job and on the other hand tells me that I shouldn't try to get involved in too many commmittees because my contract ends in about 1 month........

what's up with all these mixed up signals? and I am now crying! great!!!!

I'm so tired of being in this situation....... anyways........ makes me happy that it'll all be over soon......it's been too long........ they have freaking isolated me and turned me into the crazy person that I am today........

Moving on.......

I was gonna write the lyrics of dariush's song that says:

"ey be daadeh man resideh, too roozaayeh khod shekastan
ey cheraagheh mehrabooni, to shabaayeh vahshate man
ey tabalvore haghighat, tooyeh lahzeh haayeh tardid
to mano az man gerefti, to mano daadi be khorshid"

I guess this is the song that I turn to when I feel lonely... it reminds me of VJ...... this is his song...... but not anymore.... OBVIOUSLY

also I have one more song

"taa tahe ghesse che peida o che penhoon ba toam
zireh aavaareh mosibat yaa ke baroon ba toam
del be darya zadamo kari be donya nadaram
too sokooteh sangieh donya ghazalkhoon ba toam"

and this one reminds me of HT..... this is his song....... but not anymore........ OBVIOUSLY

ok time to go to bed........ go ahead and call me crazy..... I really think that this type I have got there!

Good night!

khodaya komakam kon.........sooreyeh hamd :)