Reminder to myself.........

zendegi ro enghad sakht nagir!

cheghad lahzeh haye shadi zood tamoom mishan....

I was happy this morning..... I saw him last night... I donnow there's something about him that I'm so attracted to! which is rare in my life.... I had a dream about him last night.... and I woke up from being too happy! has that ever happened to you? lol

anyways..... but then he msged me today and ruined everything..... persian people are difinitely complicated...... I made the mistake of telling him about VJ... and there came the questions...... and now it turns out some of his friends don't talk to him or talk to him in a weird way because they thing he's a player....and those friends turn out to be mutual friend with VJ.... so it's probably VJ's fault! whatever.... I don't have time for this Sh*t ...... I like him..... but you can't make someone like you.....that's the number one rule before you fall in love!

+ he makes me feel like I'm the weirdest person on this planet.....which might be true...... but I don't want to think about it PLUS I have so many good qualities that I'm not gonna let someone make me feel bad about myself just because of the fact that I grew up alone and don't have feelings.......that's something I want to change..... but I'm not being given the chance......or maybe I was given a chance... but I failed.......cause I couldn't have feelings for the people that I know now...... I don't know how to love........ I don't know how to get attached....... I've wanted to be free for so long that I don't think I can ever be glued back!

New Motivation......

If ur motivation was to make at least one person happy during a day wouldn't you want to live everyday?

Aasheghi divaanegist....divaanegi ham aalami daarad!

I'm in the recovery mode..... I hope....
I feel nothing.... most of the times at least...... I feel so lost..... I miss him :(

I wanted to send him a message and tell him that I miss him but then I decided to be strong....... I mean there was/ is a reason why I decided that I don't want to be in a relationship with him...... but when he told me that he doesn't want to be in a relationship with me my heart stopped...... I can't describe the feeling..... all of a sudden my hands were cold.... my mind was going crazy.....and my voice was shaking...

I miss him like a kharrrrrrr......yani badjooooooor :( ...... I must work on myself..... all these insecurities prevent me from wanting to be in a relationship.... I hate feeling insecure..... but everytime I like someone that's the first thing that comes to my mind and I run away.......

NEW GOAL: WORK ON YOURSELF...... be a man......do the right thing lol

The unfamiliar feeling of deltangi........

I want to love
I want to care.......

Is there hope?

I think I know why!

You're probably gonna think that I'm weird (if you already don't that is...) I think I just realized that my problem is having a close friend...... I don't like having super close friends.... I like hanging out with people every once in a while.......no strings attached..... is that too bad?

So this girl at school wants to hang out all the time and that's what's been stressing me out! I'm NORMAL

Thank you god for making me realize that......thanks for sending down an angel

Looks like things are over with the new guy..... whatever.....

Life's good!

A breakthrough!

First of all I haven't felt this tired in such a long time.....combination of lack of sleep + the cold weather made me feel like going to bed at 8 but I don't wanna screw my sleeping pattern so I'm going to bed soon at around 10......

I'm slowly letting go of the thought of being with this new guy.... I mean I've kinda almost completely forgotten about it......specially after my message to him last night...... he completely ignored me...... which is good.......the hardest part of letting go of someone is being unsure about their feelings for you... you keep wondering if your attempt to make things right will actually make things right.... because you don't wanna let go without trying right? So that process is painfull .... like super painful because you are in a way letting go of your stubbornness and trying to be as nice as possible.....but when that doesn't help you know you've for sure lost your chance...... too bad so sad.... the good thing is that life does go on.....with or without him in it!

Life's good again..........

They had high expectations......they are different.....doesn't mean that everybody else will be the same (in delkhoshie alakieh? I don't think so!)

Alaf bayad be dahaneh bozi khoshmazeh basheh ;)

For a reason, for a season, or a lifetime?!

This guy's presence in my life was none of the above.....he's just added a lot of stress and depression in my life! I mean maybe it was a wake up call

"wake up! you need to grow up."

The problem is that I can't grow up over a night...... the one shall be patient or else I will never.......

God please give me the strength to focus on school and make the right choices...

+

Thank you for everything :)

Don't hate, appreciate!

Still in the learning process........

Must remember some things that I've forgotten........

I donnow how or why I forgot them........

REMEMBER TO BE THANKFUL

REMEMBER that you don't need the whole world to like you

Remember to appreciate the ones who do and focus on them instead of moving on and hoping/ trying for more.........

Remember what your weakness is...... the fact that you try to get something, forget about what it took for you to get there! You move on so fast...... that's just not right..... get excited about your achievements.......they're important!!!!!

Focus more on what you have than what you don't have..... I feel like I've focused too much on that for the past that I really really realllllllly need to focus on what I don't have...... I don't want to be / don't think it's right to always focus on your strengths......you have to overcome your weaknesses and you can't do that by ignoring them......that's the dillema.......and that's what's been making me depressed for the past few weeks.... I've remembered the things that I don't have and been focusing on it too much that it's made me sad!

At least I know what's wrong now...... what should I do about it? Don't know....... hopefully I'll figure that out too!

Life

is a game PERIOD

Gotta know how to play it well! can't .... but I will

Problem #1

I personally can't understand how/why should one person fall in love and stay in love with one person only?

Az kojaa aamadeh am aamadanam bahre che bood?

Lol

I think the one thing that we don't pay enough attention to but is very important in one's life is the difference you make in someone else's life....I think we as individuals don't feel the right amount of satisfaction after making someone's life better......I don't know why..... the feeling doesn't get that deep even though it's very very important! So maybe that's what I should focus on from now on......

I have to stay positive and happy...... I still have that awkward feeling inside...... I'm so mad at the new guy.....even though he came to my birthday and everything went well (I think) at the end after he left I realized how mad I am at him and since he's not pursuing me anymore I'm not interested in pursuing him either........is that bad? I don't think so...... I'm not in love..... I won't be msging him anymore unless he does something!

Fine I know what I did was wrong....

I never said what I did was right
There's no way to justify it
I was busy with school
Can't talk to people during exams
That's how it is
That's how I am
That's who I am

Can I change this? I've tried many times...... but I haven't yet

Did I really try? I panick so much that I sometimes don't know what to do..... the only thing I can think about is my future........

But that's not my goal..... I came here to change as a person...... I failed the first round...... let's see what the second round has in store for me.....

I want to be at peace.......don't want to be around people that walk on my nerves...... don't want to be around people that create stress....... I want to be stress free....... that's what I want...... but you can't always get what you want..... and even if you can't, you shouldn't always want what you want........ there's a difference between wanting something and needing something....... please try to understand the difference.......

The thing about me is that.....

I don't want to be a star in the sky and shine like all the other stars...... I don't want to be one of the many...... I want to be me......I want to be the one.......I want to be the sun..... not the moon....... just the sun......

I went out for dinner with my non persian friends and I had funnnnnnnn..... It was a lot of fun actually...... I donnow why....... I'll tell u a secret.....there's this guy that I like in the group.......he's so cute! I mean I like him as a friend......he's a baby......but he's so lovable........why is it a secret? Don't ask me!

Mikhaam beram paa nadaaram
Mikhaam naram jaa nadaram
Geryeh konam DEL NADAARAM
daad bezanam naa nadaaram......

khaste az hameh chi.......

nemidoonam chera in rooza enghad downam.......

GOOD NIGHT :)

TOMORROW'S A NEW DAY

Random comment/question

Have you ever noticed how many persian songs use "iranian girl" (dokhtar irooni) or "iranian boy" (pesar irooni) in their lyrics? how come english songs are never like that? they almost never specify the cultural background of the girl/boy they talk about? Is this a persian thing?

Highlights of my 2010.....

So what happened in my 2010? Not a whole lot, that's why I thought I should talk about it here... even though it's the first day of the year and I'm still in bed, I think it'll be worth while to finish this before I go and do the many things that I need to do before the end of the day...most of my friends are out of the city that's why my main goal for today is to just clean my apartment ...... oh and get some food caz I have nothing to eat!

I started 2010 by being in love with the guy that I had met at a party at the end of December 2009. However, that didn't last too long because it turned out that he's not that much interested in me (saying "I think you're too good for me" before everything ended.... um yea right.." ..... anyways....then I was super heart broken and decided not to fall in love again because I realized that it's not worth the heart ache!

Then in February, we had the winter olympics game in our city which was a really exciting and unforgettable time......oh and I almost forgot..... I went to LA in February too! Which was my first time on the plane after we'd moved to Canada... amazing eh?

In March I started "going out" with this guy that I realized that I'm not attracted to at the end... but I did have my first kiss with him which is again kind of weird.....but I have nothing to regret.....

In April I had my surgery, felt and still feel beautiful after... my personality changed a little bit again after.... I did get a bit more self confident after..... but I was still chatting...... and met someone online again...... and thought I'd fallen in love with him.... Mr. Dr

here's a post from last year:

"To shabo az man gerefti, to mano daadi be khorshid....
I like my Mr. Dr

He's so nice.........he's funny and he makes me like living :)"

It sounds like I was lost and desperate for love....

It lasted until the end of May...it was crazy..... I learned so much from him..... and I hope he forgives me..... looking back, I can't understand how I ever made the decision to go to Bermuda with him... and I lost a friend over it....

In June I stopped talking to my best friends because I all the stupid decisions that I make and my stupidity in general.....and started talking to VJ......and met my new friends..... I'm still so happy and thankful to have met them......

Looking back at my posts from last year, it seems like July was all about Mr. VJ (not a highlight of 2010) ......and so was August......and so was september and October.......


Back to the highlights....

in June, as I said before, I met my lovely friends and even though I only knew them for such a short time, I really did love them all....that was a big change for me..... I moved from having 1 best friend to having many good friends... which was amazing..... god knows how thankful I am for that

in July I hung out with them some more.....

in August I moved here to start my Masters..... the first few weeks were amazing......

School started in September..... tried hanging out with non persians only.... cried over him for hours......

In October I met him..... and got over him..... this was a BIG CHANGE in my life.....to finally move on..... I can say I moved on after meeting him ...and I'm still moving on....

In November I met my new guy....... whom I like a lot.......

In December I had my exams and went back home for a visit......

and now I'm back here....thinking about making a new year's resolution!

not sure what to put on the list.......

but at the moment I still feel depressed......maybe I feel a little bit better after realizing how much I have accomplished..... but there's still so much to do and so little time to do it .....