Sangeh siaah

Another poem that I wrote at around the same time

Khosh beh haaleh aan parandeh ke parid

Khosh beh haaleh aan setaareh ke dar aasemaaneh shab derakhshid

Khosh beh haaleh maah keh taabid

Khosh be haaleh aan derakht ke khoshkid

Khosh beh haaleh aan baad ke dar in shahre gharib vazid

Va khosh beh haaleh aan koodaki ke dar aaghooshe maadar ramid

Hameh aan haa aazaadand
Aazad az andooho ghamo ranjo azaab

Ammaa maa ensaan haa
Har kodaam peyeh mokaafaate khodim

Hich kas nist ke be haaleh digari geryeh konad
Hich kas nist ke be daadeh digari beresad

Kasi be fekre oon bache ke gerist ze nadaashtaneh maadar nist

Kaash too deleh aadamaa kami mohabbat jaa mikard
Kasi bood ke dar ghamhaa baahaamoon ham dardi mikard

Kaash kasi bood ke be maa komak koneh
Kaash kasi bood ke harfe maaro befahmeh

Mesleh charkho falak dore khodemoon micharkhim bi hadaf

Nemidoonim az khodaa chi mikhaaym va moshkelemoon az kojast

Kaash oon chizi ke boodim boodim
Kaash mitoonestim bi derang sohbat konim

Va ey kaash............

Baarhaa baa khod gofteh am
Kaash man aan sangeh siaahe goosheyeh khiaabaan boodam

Oct. 2000

Dardo del........

This is ..... I guess a poem..........that I wrote when I was 14 ........ a year after moving to Canada

Baaz poshteh in panjareh haayeh basteh
Yek nafar baa cheshmeh geryoon neshasteh

Beh invaro oonvar negaah mikoneh
Engaar mikhaad kasio sedaa koneh

Vali baa naaraahati cheshmaasho mibandeh
Baa sedaayeh aaroom geryeh mikoneh
Nakone kasi sedaasho beshnaveh bekhandeh

Dobaareh faghat khodesh ro too taariki peida mikoneh
Kasi oonjaa nist ke betooneh be raahati sedaa koneh

................

Dareh otaagh ke baste shod
Delesh dobaareh khasteh shod

Panjararo vaa mikoneh
Beh aasemoon negaah koneh

Baa khodaayeh khodesh harf mizaneh
Shaayad sedaasho beshnaveh

Ghosseh mikhoreh az bi kasi
Deltangio delvaapasi

Migeh too in ghorbateh door
Kaash mishodam zendeh be goor

Sept. 2000

Lost

Tanhaa maandam
Tanhaa bi del bar jaa maandam
Raazeh khod beh kas nagoftam
Eshgham raa daroon nahoftam
Deleh man ze ghamam faghaan baraarad
Deleh to ze delam khabar nadaarad

I think I wrote something about how leaving people that you love the most is one of the hardest thing that we have to do in the world.

But then I was thinking, I was thinking long and hard......... then I realized something........

The hardest thing that you have to live with.........that slowly kills you and takes your energy away....... is when you see two absoloutely lovely people hurt eachother because they probably no longer for whatever reason love eachother....... and there is absoloutely nothing you can do to make them love one another again.............

The pain that you see in their eyes everyday.......... their silence........... the fact that they still go to work everyday and don't complain..........they just no longer talk............slowly kills you........ kills your spirit..........and your motivation............

Then you start thinking............. god how can I bring them happiness?

I don't even have the money to make them happy............ they both work really hard and at the end of the month they have made enough money to pay for the rent and the grocery........... nothing left for them so they can buy themselves maybe some nice clothes .......... or take us out to dinner because I know even that would make them happy............ and the fact that they work so hard and still don't have the money to go out hurts them......... I just know it! Because besides the fact that they don't love one another ........... they don't have the "supplies" or money to bring us all together........... because selfishly enough we tend to all gather around whenever there is some food.......... and since it can't be made at home after a long day of work it has to be provided else where ........ and.............

Traveling would make them happy...........

All they are doing is working and working with absoloutely no actual fun in their worlds and two "old enough to be able to take care of themselves" people are living with them with no f*cking even jobs..............and to make that even worse one of them even borrows money from them and just doesnt seem to give a f*ck about how the fact that he has taken all my money and some of their money away is affecting them.........

In addition to all these, the fact that I can't have some privacy (because I live in a den) really hurts! I mean just imagine waking up in the middle of the night because someone dicided to stay out late ........... or waking up early morning because some people have to go to work............ or not being able to have some quiet time to yourself because the tv is always on or someone is in the kitchen!!!

Maybe it's because of all these that I have lost my faith............ I think god has left me.......... left me to deal with all these craziness by myself.......... I don't want to say that I left god because that is too wrong to be true........... but since all I have learned in life is to live my friends behind maybe this time I did actually leave behind the most important one........... the one that actually cared.............. I don't understand why I have lost all my faith and belief?

I really need to do some soul searching and see what I come up with

I used to be a better person in the past

what has happened to me?

how do i help myself?

Aarezouye marg!

Just to find out if anyone is going to shed a tear besides the family members?

My relatives........

U know i might have...... well i dont think so......... but i certainly one of the people that has the craziest relatives ever!

(at the beginning i was going to say i might be the person with the craziest relatives but then i thought probably not ...... anyways...)

I tell you why!

I have asked my dad to start writing a book about our families ..... I hope he does but I tell you a little bit of it..........

most of my aunts were married to people that fell desperately in love with them........ but they didn't love them in return........... so one of them worked at ..... and this guy fell in love with her and told her that he would kill himself with ...... if she didn't accept to marry him!

the other one fell in love with a guy........ when she went to highschool......... and they were truely in love......... until she got older and realized that he is not the one for her............ wanted to leave him but he threatened to kill her family if she didn't accept his proposal to marry her......... i'm not sure what happened in the middle after they got married ......... but he got a second wife........... had a baby with her........... left her and brough that child into my aunt's family......... my aunt already had 4 other kids .......so this was the 5th one i guess....... and she really didn't like her.......... i remember she was never nice to her....... but now that the girl is older ( i guess around 20) .......... they get along better..........

my other aunt.......... u know i am not sure exactly why we never saw her husband...... i guess my parents had some kind of problem with her husband....... i know she doesn't love her husband either but i'm not sure why!

on the other hand i can say that all my uncles from my mom's side of the family are happily married............ they all have the best wives anyone could ask for......... i really do like them..... but my uncles are not all that nice.........so they got lucky!! one of my uncles is not that happy about his wife.......... but i like her anyways........ :D

from my dad's side of the family.........my dad only had one brother...........who died 2 years ago...... he was really funny ....... funniest uncle ever............and he was not happily married either..... he had this dream of leaving iran ever since i remember....... but he never got the chance to do so :(

my dad's uncle had a bad marriage too....... he was truely handsome when he was younger ... then he went to this town for work or something.......... this girl fell in love with him......... and told him that she would kill herself if he didn't marry her...........so he married her! lol.......

he passed away a few years ago.......... he has 2 sons and 2 daughters........ one of his sons got married and left iran ........ at first he was in love with his wife but his mom got in the way...... sometimes i think that's why they left ......... but then they got colder........and they too have a loveless marriage..........

his other son was engaged to this girl....... i'm not sure what happened exactly........ but he had signed a paper to give her x amount of dollar if he left him (maybe they were married ??? not sure) .......... and then they got seperated and he had to pay this girl......... he's not really rich at all so i fell really bad for him..........from what i remember he was this super super nice guy....... who was always so polite.......

as for my grand parents........... one of my grandmas who had 8 kids was left without a husband after i guess 20 years of marriage or something? he passed away because of a stroke..... so she was left with her 6 children to raise them........... without a job........she got money from the place where her husband worked before.......... but how much money was that??? to raise 6 kids by herself........ when there was no electricity....... no showers in the house............. washed the clothes of 6 children in the backyard ........ in the winter with cold water........ i can't even imagine what she must have gone through........... and now she has alzheimer....... she doesn't remember her own kids........ and many other problems.........

my other grandparents have passed away ..... after we moved here..... one winter........ when there was no one home.......... my grandma went to the backyard or something........to get some water...............she slipped..... passed out ............and was left in the cold for many hours........ when they found her and took her to the hospital........ they were told that her kidneys have stopped working.........so after that she went for dialysis treatments to the hospital every week...... my grandpa was so patient with her.......... i remember she was never that nice to him........ but he always loved her........ and helped her all the way through....... he was a real angel......... he passed away a year after my grandma ........ i will never forget the days that i spent at their house........ my grandma always had the best stories to tell........ and my grandpa always took us (my bro and I) to the park......... my grandpa was so friendly.......... he always baught us ice cream or BALAL (corns) in the park....... good old days :(

so why am i not happy with my life? living in a city full of opportunities......... i'm still whining about what? why the guy that i liked didn't like me in return? why i live so far from university? why am i not thankful enough? i must be stupid!

The sadest part of our lives is when..........

Ok beside everything else that might go wrong in someone's life............there is one thing that really stays with u ....... stays with u and takes ur energy away day by day....... and there's nothing you can do about it......... or so I think!

And that one thing is loving people and not be loved in return!

I must admit I have done this to some people........ but to tell u the truth I never started anything........ they fell in love with me without me showing interest in them.......... or maybe I did............sometimes I get confused because I love.........I mean I absoloutely love to be friendly with people.........and honest with them............and tell them whatever is on my mind........... make them laugh etc..........and give them energy..........tell them they can do whatever is on their mind......... and I guess because doing this is so rare these days they fall in love with me! out of desperation maybe? Because I tend to connect with people that are kind of lonely like myself...... anyways ........I'm not sure............ something I do misleads them along the way......... and they start liking me...........and as soon as that happens I back off........ and they get hurt........ becaues I guess I feel threatened........... usually I can be this nice only to those people that I'm not attracted to......... so if they like me and I dont like them in return........... the best thing for me to do is back off right? what's the point of staying and getting their hopes up?

On the other hand............there is this second group of people........... who I really like......... but they don't show anything............and I back off because I only get attracted to people that flirt with me I guess ............ which leads me to the third group of people:

These people are the ones that I really truely love.........and enjoy talking to........... I just really really like them..........and want them to be around all the time............. but this doesn't mean that I have fallen for them............ they can get a girlfriend whenever they want.......... but I would still like to stay friends with them.............but then something happens...........and I think it's their fault....... whenever I meet this group of people I can truely be me and really enjoy me whenever I am around them......... so they get to see the fun and nice side of me............... and THEN.......... for some reason.......... i guess they get attracted to me...... and start flirting..... or at least they're flirting.......... by saying things like "oh were where u last night? how come i didn't here from you" ...... or somethings like calling me at midnight and playing the piano for me and singing......and then telling me that they hadn't played the piano in a long time ehem ehem! so what is a girl supposed to think??? well that girl being me thinks........... OMG ........... I like this guy.......... but we were just friends............ but OMG........... now he's indirectly telling me that he likes me?? ehemmmmmmm? what does this meannnnnn? So at first I get scared and tell myself....... ok A*** ..........u should not talk to him anymore....... I mean u don't want to get urself into a relationship do u??? ........so don't talk to him!!! ...... but then the next day comes...........and we talk.......... and when we talk I'm thinking OMG he likes me!! ........ so then the next day comes......... and he doesn't mesg me or anything............ and I get desperate.......... I message him....... and then I realize ....... F*ck......... I guess I'm in love........ and then message him more often than usual..........and am nicer to him than usual..........so I guess this time he thinks to himself ........... OMG she likes me!!! what do I do??? I must back off............I mean I just broke up with my last gf.........do I want anything new??? no...........so I should back off............ and he doesn........... or guys do............because they're emotionally a lot stronger than girls......... then everything becomes awkward......... I dont msg him because I know........... and he doesnt because he knows........... and when after a week he msgs me ....... i look at it with a smile on my face telling myself "i know u like me..........too bad it didn't work out" ............ but then the memories and the fun i had when talking to him stays with me............ and slowly kills me............ and I know......... I just know that there is nothing I can do to make myself feel better............ I have lost a great friend and there is nothing I can do about it.............

and yes ..........that is the sadest part of our lives............ or at least my life!

p.s. I must add something t othis......... this is what happened with the last guy that I liked..... but I truely don't think that we would have been a good match....... but at the same time I truely think that he would have been a perfect friend....... and what I am sad about is having lost a great friend.......... not a potential lover or a future husband........ lol........ is it so unsual to be sad about losing a friend???

ok i dont want to lie......... and I will tell u exactly how i feel.... but it's crazy because I am a crazy person and my emotions are even crazier than me!!

so at the begining i really liked him because he was a nice guy....... but he started flirting with me from the begining .... and I guess i liked him because of that..... because he made me feel like I am a worthy person......... but at the same time I knew that he had just broke up with his gf..... so at the back of my mind I always told myself ok he's flirting with u but he's just a friend......... until the night that he called and played the piano for me....... that created a dillema.........

from my last experience with Mr VJ ........ who had also broken up with his gf and had started having feelings for me and left me......... i had promised myself not to fall in love with these kind of guys because all they think about is their last gf and i would never be the one....... and in this case it was even worse because he had broken up with his gf because of no reason ....... and always talked about her ......... and it really hurt me........like it actually hurt my heart everytime he talked about his gf ........ because I truely liked him........ and i hated to see him in pain..... so ...........it's really hard to explain.......

so i guess what i am trying to say is that i was ready to give it a try ..... but at the same time i know it would have been a bad idea because he was still in love with his last gf....... so maybe it's a good thing that we don't talk anymore? and i'm not sure why i'm sad that we don't talk anymore???? omg......... maybe i am just being selfish.......... maybe i wanted to make him fall in love with me........... so he can forget about his gf........... then i would have left him???? i'm not sure because i'm truely scared of my emotions........ one day i'm head over hills in love with someone...........and next day when they express their love i get scared and run away....... and sometimes when this happens i 100 percent forget about these people and forget about my feelings..........and i don't understand why......... and this scares me because it's really scary when even you don't know who you are and what you want......... which is the problem that i have with myself........... i never know what i want exactly....... something that i really want this minute might be forgotten the next minute........and i guess people should stay away from me because of that.......... i really don't want to hurt anyone :(

Ma'nieh Doost daashtan! The story, the dillema, and the confusion! Overwhelmed with emotions...

So here is the story
Ever since I was very little...... I was only interested in having 1 friend at a time......... I don't know why......... or maybe it was because I only found 1 person that I could connect with (for some reason they were always very rare!) ......The friend that I had from grade 1 - 3 was Sh ..... then we moved to a new apartment and back then we didn't have the convinience of e-mailing etc so I wrote to her every once in a while ......lol ....... when I was in grade 4 there were only 5 people in my class and then like 10 people in grade 5.......so maybe that's when my depression started....... lol ....... but I had a really great friend in grade 6 who broke my heart at the beginning of grade 7 and I was happy that I was moving to Canada at that time to leave all the sadness and my broken heart behind ...... LOL........
anyways........
The reason why I'm writing this here is because......... after a longgg time........ I have found another person that makes me happy....... they are really rare to finddddd and I have found one............ but here is the dillema........... I really really like him A LOT........ unlike the many other people that I know who I feel indifferent about..... this guy is like an angel...... whenever I see him I enjoy the true meaning of happiness which rarely exist in my world..........he, however, ignores me A LOT which makes me sad and mad and god knows how many times I have got mad/sad since the beginning of this semester ,and at times even cried, for liking someone so much and not being able to do anything about it..........because the pure honest truth is that I really really like him........as an angel......... and nothing more........... I don wanna say i like him as a brother because that wouldn't be true....... but I also wouldnt say that I want a relationship ....... I just wanted a friendship........but since I'm emotionally unstable the chances of me not feeling anything towards this person in the near future is pretty high...... but for now........today and for the past few monthes ....... I have enjoyed talking to him....... eventhough in total it might have been less than 5 hours in person......... and 20-30 hours online.........and 1-2 hours on the phone ...... lol.......:D
Some things, like this, are easy to explain........ but u can't really expect someone to actually understand what this all means........!!
I didn't really want to write this here after I talked to him on the phone........but before I came home today I was about to cry because I was looking really forward to seeing him and I didn't see him in the end...........and I was sad and mad for having all my emotions towards only ONE person and ignoring the rest of the people in my life.......... he just gives me lots of positive energy and everytime I see him my brain cells wake up so I can study...... but the opposite happened today ....... anyways as I was saying I wanted to come home and write all this here but after talking to him I calmed down and didn't feel the need that I have to write something here......... but I did anyways........
I want my freedom back... I don't want to have this feeling of NEED ..... so maybe I will end this whole thing with this song.......
اونقدرعاشق میشمعاشق میشمعاشق میشمعاشق میشمعاشق میشم ...اونقدر از تو میگم که میون اسم توتوی آسمون عشق رنگین کمون پیدا بشهاونقدر عاشق میشم که تو سرزمین عشقبعد مجنون یه نفر صاحب نشون پیدا بشهتو مگه قلب منی که صدای نفسات هر جا هستم با منه ؟تو مگه عمر منی که دم و بازدمم تو رو فریاد میزنه ؟فقط تو رو ، داره فریاد میزنهتو هوای تازهٔ زندگی هستیکه تو قصر آرزو هایم نشستیتو همون معجزه و لطف خداییکه طلسم نا امیدی رو شکستیتو مگه قلب منی که صدای نفسات هر جا هستم با منه ؟تو مگه عمر منی که دم و بازدمم تو رو فریاد میزنه ؟فقط تو رو ، داره فریاد میزنهمیون گلها نرو ، سخته پیدا کردنتآخه تو خودت گلی ، چه قشنگه دیدنتمیون گلها نرو ، سخته پیدا کردنتگل خجالت میکشه از تو و خندیدنتتو مگه قلب منی که صدای نفسات هر جا هستم با منه ؟تو مگه عمر منی که دم و بازدمم تو رو فریاد میزنه ؟فقط تو رو ، داره فریاد میزنهتو هوای تازهٔ زندگی هستیکه تو قصر آرزو هایم نشستیتو همون معجزه و لطف خداییکه طلسم نا امیدی رو شکستیتو مگه قلب منی که صدای نفسات هر جا هستم با منه ؟تو مگه عمر منی که دم و بازدمم تو رو فریاد میزنه ؟فقط تو رو ، داره فریاد میزنه